92-year-old mom moved into assisted living today and I'm having the guilts because I am not clear what type of dementia she has. I have noticed confusion and new strange behaviors for the past 6 months to a year, but it escalated noticeably after her fall and subsequent hospital delirium. Delirium and sundowning has greatly decreased with proper medication. She stayed within her senior community, where she lived independently for 6 years in a beautiful one-bedroom apartment and moved today to a studio in the assisted living unit after 2 weeks in rehab. She requires help with the physical aspects of dressing, showering and toileting and meds due to severe shoulder pain and weakness and ongoing confusion. In the hospital my POA was activated and thus, she had to go to a studio setting per our WI state law when POA activated. Her cognitive state seems to vary so much, during those times when she seems more lucid, I find myself second guessing if I made the right decision. I have been reassured by the APS SW that it was the right decision, because she also was seeing lack of competence and mom did not pass the neuropsychic testing. I called mom tonight, after being with her most of day to get her settled and she thanked me for coordinating the move, and that she knows she needs help, but does not believe she has dementia (both her twin sister and older sister passed from vascular dementia and Parkinson’s dementia, at ages 90 and 94, respectively). I know she is not happy right now in her new dwelling. I displayed all her photos, angel collection, etc. and she says it is too cluttered in her studio. I will help her cut bait next week. Right now, I am still too sore to move after 2 days of nonstop cleaning, organizing etc. My brother refused to help, and my husband cannot lift more than 15 pounds due to past severe heart attack. I am 68 with health issues myself. I feel so sad for her. We have always had a very tumultuous relationship, but have made peace and apologized, on both our parts, since her fall. She asked me if this will be her last home before she dies. It broke my heart, but I was honest and told her it probably would be. Based on what occurred so far, and that the Dr. felt it was safest for her now, but only God knows what lies ahead. He and I are certain her dementia will continue to progress, but unclear what type she has. Or if it was due to past mini strokes. Just feeling guilty and apprehensive tonight. My brother also is of course giving me trouble, and lip service only, after telling me he did not want to be involved or help and then I must watch mom crying because he won’t even call her. He pulled the same thing before and after my wonderful father passed. I had to organize moms move, get their condo cleaned out and sold. She wanted to make a new start. No help whatsoever, just criticism. I'm totally drained and so tired of always having to be the strong one.
Surely you're not "guilty" over the fact your mom has had the amazing good fortune to live to see 92, or that she has health issues you did not cause, can't control and cannot cure?
Your mother needs AL because "she requires help with the physical aspects of dressing, showering and toileting and meds due to severe shoulder pain and weakness and ongoing confusion." Plus she failed a Neuro psych test and seems incompetent to professionals. The dementia is just ANOTHER reason she requires AL. Surely you see that and the fact she needs ALL THIS HELP does not qualify her for INDEPENDENT LIVING, that's the truth. If ever there was a candidate for AL, its your mother. And big deal to downsizing one room. A shrunken world makes dementia easier for her to manage.
Whether or not she agrees with or accepts her dx is irrelevant too. My mother's huge ego stood in the way of her believing she had ANY health or dementia issues. Her denial or anosogosia isn't MY problem. My only goal was to keep her safe and well cared for. Not to hang around waiting for a moment of lucidity so I could beat myself up for making the wrong call, when cognition exam results don't lie. My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for 3 years before she passed, insisting everyone ELSE was a "stupid idiot" and only she was a lucid and fully functional adult who looked GREAT for her age. 🙄
Put aside the need to flog yourself for making the right decision here. Just tell mom it's DOCTORS ORDERS she's living there, period. It's hard to understand the level of exhaustion involved with anosogosia and dementia, with the ongoing insistence they "don't belong there" and all of it. Stay away from this chaos for awhile and let her adjust. Then come up with a visitation schedule and List of Pat Answers to repeat as needed.
Your mother has taken enough from you now. She's 92 and well placed. Stop running yourself ragged now and HIRE HELP on mom's dime for whatever remains. What will become of mom if you get hospitalized or die (God forbid) while she's busy carrying on about everything? Who knows, but she will still be alive and cared for by a team of people. Consider the math on that statement next time you decide it MUST be known what type of dementia mom has. We never knew my mom's type either, just that she died after 6 years, getting progressively worse, well cared for by wonderful people who truly cared about her. I have no guilt at all and would place her again in a N.Y. minute if the opportunity arose.
Let your super tone deaf brother's calls go directly to vm, then delete the message w/o listening to it. I've found that little technique to work a CHARM over the years for various family pests. You or Jim a big fat goose egg.
Let go of these matters which you have NO control over, and focus on YOURSELF now bc mom is not the only important person here. SO ARE YOU.
As to guilt, set it aside also, because you didn't cause this and you can't fix this. Guilt belongs to felons.
As to loving ALF and thinking she belongs or does not, your Mom may be like my brother eventually, who said "You know, hon, it's like the army when I was younger. I couldn't love it, but I did make the best of it". He went from quite unhappy to being the one who picked the roses daily for the breakfast tables, and got BETTER there because I was doing all his financial work and his mind was free.
You did the right thing. Mom is now in care. You can visit and help her and she is safe. You, again, did not do this. Use the right G-word because the words we say to ourselves matter. Use the G-word GRIEF. That's what you are feeling. Grief that not everything can be fixed. Grief that some things can be endured.
Dr Laura on her podcast recently talked about "happy". Asking WHEN were we happy all the time in our lives. And yes, that's a question to consider. Life isn't about happy at any age.
I am glad that you answered your mom honestly and I congratulate you on that. There is to my mind no such thing as a therapeutic lie for the most part. The answer is yes, this is her last home, BUT you will be there to support her in what ways you are able.
As to the siblings, set that aside. You already always knew what they would be, and they are, and that won't change, so why do any circular thinking about it? Just adds to an already full plate.
My heart goes out to you. And to your Mom. As with my bro and myself, this is about heartbreak. Allow her to talk. Put your feet up and talk with her about it. My brother and I did that when I would visit (even tho we were a full long state away one at one end and one at another) and we learned so much. And yes, there was hurt for us both. I so wish you the best. Life is a journey. And this is this part of the trip you two are taking. Good luck.
Give it time. Everything usually shakes itself out, and there's no rush to make the world perfect.
Tonight, just breathe.