Hello
My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.
If so an attorney will not have her sign any legal documents.
Even without a written diagnosis after a private talk with her there is a very good possibility that they will determine that she is not of sound mind and will not allow her to sign legal documents.
Have you talk to her doctor about the agitation? There are medications that can help with that.
When you get or request Home Health Aides ask for ones that have been trained in Dementia.
You need to accept the possibility that your mom's care may get to the point where it is beyond what you can SAFELY handle at home and you may have to place her in Memory Care.
I’m sorry that this stuff happens. It’s difficult getting emotionally beat up even though you know it’s her illness. You may consider seeing a therapist, to get you through it.
if your mom insist on an attorney, tell her you will make an appointment. Don’t follow thru., or tell her they can’t see her till next month, then the appointment was cancelled etc…
if your mom isn’t diagnosed , get it done, and I would have her incapacitated. Call her Dr nurse ahead of time to inform them of the need. It takes 2 dr to sign off..
You have got to place Mom. She has progressed to the point where you alone cannot take care of her anymore. It’s not safe for you or for her. If the money isn’t there, get her on Medicaid.
You need to keep her away from the phone. All these unnecessary calls can result in a big fine or even jail time. Someone could be having a heart attack and don’t get help because EMS had to listen to Mom complaining her food was too salty! Summoning cops or an ambulance when it’s not needed is risking the life of someone who truly needs it.
If she wants to call someone, dial the phone for her and don’t let her out of your sight while she has it.
Is there a reason why residential care isn’t being considered?
If you haven’t had a formal diagnosis performed, it’s time. Google “geriatric cognitive/affective assessment”. Psychologists, psychiatrists, some social workers, and neurologists can do this.
You are doing JUST FINE. Be sure you’re taking good care of yourself. You’re important too.
I agree, Mom needs to be medicated for her own good. By own good I mean this is an anxiety thing if she gets all worked up. Not good for her and not good for you. She should be seeing a neurologist and find out at least what type of Dementia she has so the correct meds are given.
There may come a time, you just can't do it anymore and Mom will need to be placed. If she is 94, you are a Senior too. There is only so much u can do and you serve those retirement years.
you are amazing for giving of yourself to someone who never quite treated you right. She’s your mom, I get that but taking 12 years of abuse is a LOT.
Best of luck to you!!
Above all, keep in mind that you will be of no help if you wear yourself down to the point that you can't take care of her or yourself! Help is available and many of the services are either free or income-based! Advice and support are always free as well! Don't know where in the country you are, but there IS an Area Agency on Aging assigned to your area! Call for help. You won't regret it! BE WELL!
Thank you for your advice. I think I just needed to put this out there and see if someone would care because at the moment I really don't feel like I'm a good person. I'm sure it has to do with the relationship I had with my mom when I was a child. But even then she was more likely to let me know of my faults and never my qualities. Thank you again
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If I could I would take you out to coffee, give you a big hug, and share our similar stories. I pray that your life will someday be happier and that you will have all the good karma that have earned! We all love you and please know you can always reach out to use. I'm truly sorry about your diagnosis. Keep your chin up Mr. Rogers.
I think the first step is to start visiting memory care facilities in your area. You don't mention her financial state, but that will be the determining factor as to where she can go. If paying privately is out of the question, you can look into applying for Medicaid and Medicaid waiver. When you find a facility that you think is a good match, they will do an evaluation on her to determine her level of care.
Keep your head up and get busy finding mom her next home. Just putting a plan together should help you realize that there is light at the end of this tunnel. When she starts with her hateful talk, just get up and leave the room and reassure yourself that you are doing the right thing in placing her. Don't ask her, just do it.
As a middle-aged mom with an aging parent, I have already told my own children, "Do NOT bring me to live with you. It was my job to raise you and care for you. Find me a nice home, visit me, and focus on your children."
Yes, dementia is a sickness that can turn people incredibly cruel as their filters die and their brain melts away. It's utterly tragic, but it's also a reality. You don't have to live with abuse, no matter what the cause. You've done your best, and you simply don't have more to give. Save yourself. You can't help your mom anymore, but that doesn't mean she can't be safe and cared for somewhere else.
The LAST thing you should do is view this as your failure to be a good child. No parent would want their kid to suffer at their hands, costing them their own health and sanity if they were in their right state of mind. Your life matters. You matter.
I learned something from your post. I didn’t know Medicaid would pay for home aide’s for seven hours. Thank you for that.
Get into the role of being a visitor and a son again instead of her scratching post and vessel for her vitriol. You don't deserve that. And she deserves to be in a place where she's cared for 24/7 by people who aren't affected by her vicious words b/c they're not emotionally invested, as you are.
You have every right to live your life free from this type of judgment from your mother, dementia or not. Your life is equally as important as hers is. Get her placed now, save your sanity, and go visit her on YOUR schedule, when you can bring her a little gift and a snack. And can leave when her nasty mouth gets ramped up and starts calling you names. That's how things should be now. Enough is enough, you're a good son who's done ENOUGH for his mother.
Good luck to you.
Over a 9 year span with support I learned to get “ thick skin” and allowed her behavior and unkind words to roll off me.. whew it was a tough journey! I was told by my Elders, that they will turn on the closest people to them.
You “cannot” change their minds, so therefore, just take care of her needs (for as long as you can)and say “I love you mom in-spite of everything, (even while the tears flow)” And when you’re at your limit I would suggest putting her in NH or AL.
In our spirit the love will never change but our human side can only take but so much! Actually it was my mom that taught me( without even knowing it)… to love the person but despise the behavior! I’m grateful for that lesson! Didn’t quite like the way it came about but the hard lessons in life usually come about in a way we may not like!
Be encouraged 💕
The problem is that she cannot control it also. Throughout my mother's life, if she didn't have enough to "work" on, she made up crisis so that she could have something to do. The unfortunate part of this is that dreaming up of crisis means that you have to have negative thoughts in the first place.
I'm sorry for you. If you haven't consulted a doctor about this, I would suggest that you do. The negativity could be the verbal manifestation of anxiety. Some of the behaviors that you say she is doing (like calling the police) does indicate anxiety.
Also see if you can get her out with others. Maybe try involving her in a church group or placing her in an adult day care center for a couple days a week. The thought process is to keep her mind on other things so that she doesn't dwell into the negative that damages you.
If you have already contacted a doctor and had her checked out (maybe meds), it might be time for you to place her into Memory Care. I would not do the Nursing Home type, I would try to find one that is more "active". One where there are people walking around (versus bed-ridden). Maybe if she is around other people, she will see what the others are doing, and that will be enough to keep her brain active without being self-destructive.
As you are researching and touring MC facilities, ask them what they do in cases like your Mom's. Maybe they have some strategies that you have not tried yet.
My heart goes out to you. When my Mom is in the lows of dementia, she is also a very negative person...and she reserves it all for me. Because she is in a MC unit, I listen until I cannot take it anymore, then put her back into the hands of the very capable caregivers of MC. By the next day, the subject is different and I've had some sleep and I can deal with it again.