83 year old mom has been in pajamas for 4 days while my son and his family are staying a week with her for their yearly Christmas visit.
My son is the only grandkid that has children. He and his wife call her several times a week just to say hello. She was so excited they were coming to visit. Now she has been in her pajamas and sleeping in a chair the whole time they have been here. She is not ill. As a matter of fact she is quite healthy. Her doctor has told her she needs to get out more, but she refuses. Yet if someone or me mentions putting on clothes she tells them it's not our business if she wants to get dressed or not. the she says "just throw me in a nasty, dark old folks home" and starts crying. Never has anyone ever mentioned a home to her. I will admit I get very frustrated with her staying in her night clothes. I am a recovering addict, sober 18 years. One of the first things that was stressed to us is to get up at the same time and get dressed for the day. I never leave my bedroom in a robe or pajamas, much less sit around in them for 4 days. She mentioned a while back that she was depressed and even told her doctor that. Unfortunately she does nothing to herself because as she puts it "no one is going to tell me what to do". As I type my son has told me I need to just let it go. Why is it bothering me so much? She was a stay at home her whole life. She was very controlling when we were kids. She doesn't have good boundaries'. For years she still has been telling my family, while we are sitting in the a group in the living room, about my "bathroom issues" when I was kid. I asked her to please stop and she follows it with "well it's true". I try my very best to chalk up being elderly, but it's hard when some of it has been happening for a while. She gossips about me and my siblings to each of us. Then she tells me we need to stop, but she is always the common denominator. I call her nightly because she has had several falls. She doesn't drive anymore so I order her groceries for her. I am also a widow and own a small business. I go over to visit her every weekend when it's not busy season. She rarely says thank you to me or my siblings. One of my brothers rarely speaks to her because she complains to him about how we handled her care after her last bad fall. My other brother drives 2 hours every other week to visit. My sister visits once a week and takes her a bbq or whatever mom wants. But my sister has a "she can stay in her pj's for ever as far as I'm concerned". She had a real crappy childhood with an alcoholic father that was abusive to her mom. She and dad were married 52 years before he died. I try very hard to factor all that in, in order to quell my anger. I am frustrated with myself for feeling so angry about her not wanting to get out of her clothes or even participate in my son and her great-granddaughters visit. Why am I so mad about this? I don't want to be mad. It's so energy zapping. I believe in God and attend weekly mass. I ask God to please help me not feel this way.
Feel free to brutally honest.
Thank you!!
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I am caring for my mother Linda, who is 83 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, and mobility problems.
First off, congratulations on your 18 years of sobriety! As a person in recovery, you have the discipline, the tools and the support necessary to have created a new routine for yourself which doesn't include hanging around in nightwear all day long. Your mother is suffering from not only depression but anxiety and dementia, which puts her in a whole new category of need. She has to be taken to her doctor to address her mental health and state of mind asap. Dementia often comes along with depression and anxiety, as it did for my mother....so I asked her PCP to put her on an antidepressant. He prescribed her Wellbutrin which helped a LOT. She went from refusing to leave the apartment to getting social once again. As her dementia increased, she was very emotional and prone to crying jags and worse anxiety than usual. Ativan helped with that.
I think your anger is misdirected because an elder suffering from dementia, anxiety and depression cannot help how they feel or just "snap out of it" the way we'd like them to. They need help, just as most of us do at various times when life gets tough and we can't manage anymore.
Try taking a different approach to mom's behavior now and ask yourself how you can help her. Pick up the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about what dementia looks like and how a broken brain manifests itself. Also know that mom cannot be living alone as the dementia progresses because it's no longer safe to do so. Plan for caregivers to help her out or for her to go into managed care of some kind.
Focus on staying sober yourself and not what mom is wearing. That's the least of what needs to be addressed with her issues right now. Just take it one day at a time and things will fall into place.
If your Mom won't cooperate in taking meds for her depression/mood then you will need to set boundaries that only you will be able to respect. That's as much as you can do for now.
Although I agree it is generally good to dress for the day, particularly when one is exgaged in a challenge like addiction or depression, it's not a hard and fast rule for retirees. Fox news had a discussion on when anyone would wear a robe this week. The journalists distain any "robe" time, but my family often wears robes in a cooler house during the winter (evenings after baths or morning before you dress to get out). In fact, I might be using a robe over my nightclothes right now if I didn't have to take the 15 year old to work @8:00, even though I start most days around 6 or 6:30. Maybe this is more about your feelings related to maintaining sobriety than your mother's choices or challenges.
You can't change your mom's behavior. You can choose to accept her the way she is, or you can allow her behavior to aggravate you.
It sounds like her behavior is, for lack of a better way of putting it, "triggering" for you. It brings up YOUR issues, and possibly your fears for her.
Can you talk to someone about that? Perhaps your priest?
As to that, it is up to her as a competent adult to decide whether or not to seek treatment for the depression.
I would tell her lovingly that if she wishes honestly to be in her P.J.s forever, you really would not try to change that, and if she is happy doing that, then it's great. But if she is noticing some depression "with these winter months" and would like to talk to her doc he might want to try some low dose anti depressant and see if she feels better.
Really, it's her business. I would tell her she is your only concern, and if she's happy so are you. But if she would like to explore something to help her feel better you are there to listen, to accompany her, to explore what might work.
You are both adults, right? This is in her hands once you ask ONCE if you might help.
If she says "I will live in my pajamas forever if I want" just tell her "If that's what she wants, it's good with you, but you cannot help noticing it is a change for her. If she needs you you are there".
Then move on.
That, then, is more than likely the answer. You are dealing with dementia here. Puts an entirely different light on your post.
Don't understand the anger, as there are options available.
I never thought much about that-until COVID hit and she became (like so many other elders) completely housebound. She began ordering and wearing pj sets. Her personal hygriene slipped a little--she only showered maybe twice a week and that was a bit of a problem--but when COVID ended, she went back to showering & dressing 'up' 2 days a week. The last few weeks, she was in PJ's all day. But she was cleaned and groomed.
If the pjs are clean and she's cleaning herself--what difference does it make? I love a comfy lounge outfit--after 7 pm, I am in for the night. All the time I was doing chemo--I don't think I got 'dressed' for anything except church.
Are you embarassed for mom? If she's comfortable and clean-leave her be.
I'm grateful my kids realize and embrace my love for soft lounge wear.
I think this sounds more like a problem of embarassment for you. I get it! If you think it refelcts badly back on you, take a step backward and see what you can do so that it doesn't make you angry or upset.
Those who read your profile read that your mom was diagnosed with dementia.
You tell us now that was likely just covid and hospitalization induced dementia, that has changed, and that you no longer believe her to be suffering from any dementia.
However then you tell us that it was your Mom herself who told you she has dementia. And that the doctor never did.
If none of you are POA and wish to be now is the time, or it may be soon too late to do so.
The doctor is not free to discuss your mother with you if you are not her MPOA, POA or guardian. He cannot discuss her unless she signs off on a form regarding privacy right and allows MD to discuss with you.
It sounds like Mom is for now NOT suffering from dementia in your opinion, but IS suffering from some depression for which she takes medication.
That being the case I would stop putting a whole lot of opinions out there to her. Family should discuss with her whether she wants to do any paperwork. You can say "You know Mom, I am considering doing my will, POA, Advance directive (which you SHOULD DO) and wondered would you like to go to attorney with me. We could perhaps be a two-for-one." or whatever. And I would not discuss what she wears or where she wishes to go. If she is competent that really isn't your concern. It's hers. Also, if she complains tell her "Mom do you think that you are having any increase in depression in these dreary winter months; I read that sometimes medications that once worked need to be reassessed when not working well. Did you see your doc."
And so on. Just try not to take your mom's business and her rights from her. Let her make what decisions she can, especially if you feel the time is approaching when she may no longer be able to.
Wishing you all the best.