background - I’m an introverted only child, i need my own space even from family, I am 33, I am married but do not have children yet. I moved out when I was 18.
I have always found my mother a bit suffocating, as she was a single parent, we were always together, I think she also relies on me for everything and seeks my company a lot. She texts me every few hours and calls me every night. She gets upset if I take time to respond even if I’m busy at work. She always wants me help for things like her car, her home etc. she wants me to make decisions for her
My 70 year old mother’s house had a fire and it needs to be rebuilt. She may be out of her house for 6 months. The night of the fire, I brought her to my apartment to stay. Her home insurance kept finding her places to stay but she kept refusing them, saying they were in dangerous areas (fair for some of them) or she just didn’t like them. She would have a sad look on her face and would ask me if *I* want her to stay there instead.
I left it after some time because the insurance said it would only be a short term stay until they started fixing the house. So she would need to move every week. After they started officially fixing the house they could find her somewhere longer to stay.
It’s been four weeks, the insurance hasn’t started fixing the house yet.
I don’t know why but I am finding it really overwhelming to have my mother here all the time. She wants to eat together, cook together, snack together, gets upset if I don’t want a snack with her. She doesn’t cause much issue in the apartment, but I feel like I don’t get space. She seems upset if I come home stressed from work.
my husband doesn’t see the issue as she isn’t a nuisance MIL. she suffocates me but respects his space. He thinks I’m being rude and disrespectful
I also have to deal with the outcome of the fire because my mother keeps saying she’s elderly and doesn’t know what to say to the insurance.
I feel overwhelmed. I am working full time and also dealing with the insurance which is stressful. Usually she is really independent I am surprised that she has stayed in my apartment so long, usually she would not want to bother me or my husband.
I feel that she is enjoying living with me again and so does not want to leave. I worry she will be here for 6 or more months or never leave, I can’t do it.
I feel bad because she’s not a rude or mean mother like some of the posts I read here. She’s just too much. She’s too attached to me, I want to be set free . I was trying to establish more independence and then the fire happened I feel like it put me 10000 steps back
Second...Give your mother a deadline. Say May 15th. She needs to inform the insurance company that she needs to find long term housing by then.
If they are dragging their heels you can file a complaint with the State office that oversees Insurance.
BOUNDARIES....you need to establish them and stick to them.
The insurance company is in no rush because it is not costing them anything to let things languish as they are.
And your husband isn't supportive.
In all honesty as you made your home her home there is little to say about the corner you're painted in other than that you were the one who did the painting.
It honestly doesn't matter a fig WHAT your husband thinks. He can tell you his opinions of your choices ONCE and then should shut up.
Time to be honest with your mother that this isn't working for you.
Or not.
You are a grown up and are going to have to make your own choices, state them, and see that they are RESPECTED. Or not.
Really, this is up to you.
See a counselor if you need to.
OR make a time limit. Perhaps that 6 months. Tell Mom you are not enjoying living with your mother as an adult but that given the catastrophic circumstances you will do this for 6 months. But that at the end of that time she will need to have other plans, whatever they are.
Only child to a single mother? Been there, still doing that. One word: boundaries. Strong and clear and no regrets or guilt from emotional manipulation. My mother even wanted to room with me off campus my first freshman semester at college. Um, not for any amount of money. She never had her own friends and lived vicariously through me a lot of her life. Now she is 94 and lives next door to me. That's even too close. I love my Mom and want the best for her but she is not a person I would ever choose to be friends with. She doesn't like my boundaries but that's too bad. I have to protect myself and my husband of Swedish heritage from her domineering 1st generation Italian immigrant from the Bronx personality. Like a bulldozer. Luckily, I learned from the best so I'm not a pushover and you cannot be one, either. You can be nice, diplomatic, etc. but just firm.
You don't have to give her any reason to live elsewhere except, "This is how I like it." Because if you give her any reasons she will negotiate and chip away at your emotions and boundaries. If you think it's bad now, just wait until she becomes older and needier and loses her filters, among other things. Did she live with her mother when she was 70? I bet not.
You help her every step of the way to resettled during the rebuild but don't allow her to drag her feet. Good friends of ours endured a total loss house fire (the dog even died) so it is definitely traumatizing. She has my sympathy, and there are a lot of overwhelming decisions to make by herself.
Don't worry about what hubs thinks about your relationship with her. YOU know the truth and what it feels like to be smothered. Maybe you should consider a conversation with her about downsizing and going to a 55+ community with stepped care options, since she in a transitional period anyway. You will need to have this conversation with her more than once, just FYI. But keep having it.
I wish you success in finding and keeping your boundaries. See a therapist to help you, if necessary (and take hubs with you). It will feel very hard at first but once you know what you want to do and act accordingly, things will improve -- even with your Mom.
BTW... do you know what caused the fire? Just curious...
YES.
Some husband's refuse to see the grief their wives are being subjected to by their mothers, forcing the wives to question themselves and whether their reaction to the suffocating behavior is "selfish"? That's known as gaslighting by the husband....trying to make YOU question your own sanity rather than HIM making the effort to see the REAL woman behind the sweet MIL mask she wears for him.
Hell, I'd say get rid of both of them but we're supposed to give sound advice here 😊
Give mother a firm deadline to be OUT of your home and placed by the insurance company she's paid TONS of premiums to for all these years. They can drag their heels here and cause the renovations to take a year or more. Don't think they won't, either. With supply chain issues bring what they are, how long do YOU want mother dear up in your space sharing snacks together, like bffs? Next thing you know, she'll want sleepovers and dh to sleep in the spare room. I had a mother like this and only VERY FIRM BOUNDARIES work.
Rather than agree to set yourself back 1,000,000 steps, for your own sake, get mom into her own place SOON. You'll regret it otherwise. So will dh. But by the time he realizes it, it'll be too late.
Set your boundaries NOW, and give Mom a deadline.
As an adult, you can change your mind, and thus, your plan.
She may be upset. That’s okay. She’ll get over it, in time.
You can do this!
Good luck!
Or she can take the insurance and rent.
Set your boundaries now . Give Mom a date she has to leave . And don’t let her change her address to your address for mail or anything .
I am going on a year and a 3 months dealing with this insurance business even with a public adjuster. It will take a long time so definitely consider that it will not be a short term situation. The insurance company will not fix her her house. An adjuster may also be able to provide names of reputable contractors. There will probably be building code upgrades involved, some state policies cover this others do not unless it was specifically chosen as a coverage item. An adjuster will know the rules in your state.
It's hard, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's traumatic for everyone.
I’m relating all this because mom may not be sharp enough to do it. It took all of our energy for husband and me for a year and a half. That might be you and your husband.
Emotional - to process the grief & loss caused by the fire
Financial - look at her housing options
Elder Care - does she have any health issues/care needs that need support or services
Coucelling for you.
Support while build & strengthen your boundaries with your Mother.
The 'Needy Mother' for want of a better, kinder term can take over your life. It's no-one's fault really.. if your Mother is not cut out to be Project Manager on her re-build, desires all day company & a zillion other things.. Well, that's her.
This does not mean her only child must take on every task she drops. Or provide all her social needs.
If she is dependantly minded, too anxious to function alone - she may be best to just accept who she is. Look for a lifestyle that will support her. A nice little condo in an 55+ community, with maintenance taken care of & a ready-made social group & activities onsite.
Somegirl, you have described your situation very well. I believe you know what you need to thrive in your own life & already know the solutions too. How to get there is the thing.
The resentment & frustration you may feel is totally understandable!
It has purpose. It is energy to help you make changes. (That's how I came to see my own frustration & resentment anyway.. when I felt my life was being absorbed into the black-hole of endless needs of a family member).
Consider councelling support for yourself while you make changes. Whether baby steps or big leaps, YOU set the speed of changes.
Best of luck!
Keep updating if it helps you.
Do not allow her to get too comfortable. Make sure she understands that staying with you is just tempory. Me, I have a small kitchen and no one, not even the cat, is allowed it when I am cooking. You need to make Mom understand that you need time to yourself. Be honest, she suffocates you. You just can't be with her constantly. If she wants u to snack with her just nicely say, sorry Mom I do not need a snack and I am comfortable where I am or I am busy now.
At 70 Mom is not elderly. She should have friends and activities. If she doesn't, thats her problem not yours.
Get out as much asvu can. When she says she wants to go just nicely say not this time Mom. Take a walk.
"What is the root cause of neediness?
Neediness Is Built On Fear"
The Mother needs to own her own emotions here. Seek help for her fears.
At present it appears she wants her daughter to rescue her. From the big stuff (provide housing) to the very small (avoid eating a snack alone).
Enmeshed co-dependant behaviour.
So that means mother has to leave. She cannot stay until her house is rebuilt. Options:
1) She goes back to the insurance company, tries again for their accommodation offer, and MUST choose one of them.
2) She goes to a hotel, takes out a loan if necessary, and pays the bill when the insurance company pays out. Or possibly not, if the pay-out goes into the rebuild, unless she can take cash and forget the rebuild.
3) She forgets about the rebuild, and finds other accommodation. That may be best, as it can be an IL option that would be better for the next decade or so.
At 70, she should be able to organise this herself. If not she gives you the power to do it, on the basis that she MUST accept your choices. Or alternatively, DH does it, on the same basis.
DH is slightly off his rocker. At present, he is set up for 5 years with MIL, a VERY unhappy wife, and divorce on the horizon. Frankly, if he can't see the problem, I'd leave for a long holiday.
Your comment regarding DH.. "a VERY unhappy wife" Hmm.
The OP's comment of "I do not have children yet". Hmm.
Children are in the near future plans? Are.. or *were*?
Unhappy wife = a delayed children plan.
There could be a LOT at stake here.
I would contact the insurance commission and ask for help in determining what her policy limits are and how she can collect against her policy without being dictated to.
She will probably have to be reimbursed for the living accommodations, that's how our policy works. We paid, then at the end of the month we received a check to cover the credit card bill.
I would not just accept her setting up house and making you miserable so she doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to, who does that to others?
Just an FYI, my mom threatened to kill herself because I needed to get away from the air she was breathing. Yep, I told to to eff off and walked out. She was good at going to very damaging lows to manipulate and it sounds like you have a mom that ranks just as low. Good luck getting out of the trench.
That's how this situation is handled.
Your mother shouldn't have to move weekly - nor should they determine her living arrangements. Most insurance companies will provide the budget that your mother has, based on the policy, and she should have the ability to find the living arrangements that she prefers. Also, you need to check your insurance policy because most times, the insurance company will provide the total of your insurance claim and you can chose the contractor of your choice - compared to whomever the insurance company provides.
You should take charge with the insurance company - otherwise, they'll string this along and your mother will be at their mercy....which will mean that she'll be living with you longer! That thought should be an incentive to be VERY assertive with the insurance company - let them know this is unacceptable - and that this is causing undue stress to your mother.
Wishing you the best ~
I can see both sides to the dilemma investigating it.. but wondered if a clear reason was already known.
My own home has had small but sometimes scary accidents over the years - faulty electrical sockets, pot left to burn dry (yes by me 🙄) & the boy child's.. exurberance (science experiements, fooling about, carelessless, cooking experiments).