I’m so glad I have been in this forum. It’s taught me a lot. As I sit here decompressing from a stressful week regarding family arranging in home care for 93 yr old father in law and 90 yr old mother in law with dementia, who still drives.... lost the car at Walmart last week. Family has decided in home care needs to come in. There is a high functioning sibling with brain disablty at home , works 4, 8 hr days. 2 brothers are retired. My husband is one of them. I have learned here , that if you say yes, you're stuck.... father in law will pass soon , mother in law will need full time help for years after. As soon as I saw a hint of SIL (email) may look at this, I kindly explained we could not make this type of commitment. We have committed to my daughter who has an autoimmune disease help as needed. ... another email ,comes stating :one line, 2 retired brothers , problem solved...
I deleted it, another email stating if Saturday visits move to a week day , parents save x amount of dollars , an hour later , response from another was hey if 2 days , xx amount of dollars are saved. I responded right away, I was so glad I was on the thread, because it’s what I’ve learned here, they take and take..... 3 days later a text arrived to my husband , how his sister was recovering from a head injury from hitting a brick wall... my email saying NO NO NO. I had already said no politely. This family is dysfunctional and literally split in half (5 yrs including public biblical shunning) by this sister to try to get her way. At the end she asked for all 4 days....
I know most here wonder why they can’t get help from family. And they are stuck then. I have this vision of my hard earned retired life going south. While the sister go on vacation soon... I have no question, I know I’ve learned that Family will take advantage of you... thank you for keeping me educated
It is ever the same and always was; once the caregiver wears him or herself completely down to nothing, and sits weeping, the rest will say "But it was your own choice.".
When the time came for 24/7 care I had long known my limitations. I would be counted in that gaggle of siblings who didn't take it on, who knew I wasn't up to it at all. I could do it for 8 hours, maybe the rare double shift; but that was it. I had to see a shrink to learn not to take on the woes of the world. I had to learn to tell my daughter she had to flea treat her cat herself; I couldn't come that day. When you first start to say "no. sorry but no", wow, do those who depended upon you ever get mad. They DO adjust, however.
Welcome to the forum. You will have lots to contribute to others. (hee hee; sometimes there's just nothing for it but a laugh. More often, even that doesn't help).
this family has been dis functional a long time, recent nasty email to my husband about me , was he needed to straighten me out, because I married him , I married the family... I want a divorce then.....😳
Boundaries. Have you read it? Yes? Follow that advice when dealing with the SIL, the mission creep, the guilt, the expectations.
If not, get a copy ASAP.
There is a forum thread titled 'I'm so disheartened & angry'. It is the length of a novel!!! About a DIL's struggle to get out of the servitude her Husband's family keep trying for. I found this so inspiring.
My other advice is to stay a team with your DH.
When his family start the pressure tactics you will be a stronger team together. Where does he stand on it? Sometimes a little light uncovers a bit of old-fashioned 'the womenfolk can do the care stuff' thinking in even the most liberated men. Or sometimes those old apron strings are made of thick rope. Or they have been taught never to say NO to Mamma.
My DH has 2 sisters who weild wands of guilt to get their OWN way, disguising requests as 'Mother wants'.
Get to to know the players & tactics. There is a team here for you 💪💪.
I have to say, I see tons of people posting saying, “Help! I am an only child with no one else to help.”
I understand their frustration of not having siblings and feeling alone in a stressful situation but the flip side is I am saying to myself, ‘If you had siblings like mine, you would be glad that you are an only child.’
You have no idea how much I wished that I was an only child.
In fact there was a past poster on the forum who was an only child that commented after reading about rotten siblings. He said, “Gee, after reading about these siblings I am glad that I am an only child!”
Not only do they not help. They don’t even want to be a shoulder to lean on.
Also, some parents pit the children against each other. The parents are pot stirrers and it destroys the siblings relationships.
It’s horrific that a parent can do this to their children but trust me it happens all the time.
Oh, and the parents usually don’t own up to it, plus they retell the facts to others in a distorted, out of context way. My mom did this. It hurts. Others believe them, because they are little old ladies. Some dads are just as guilty of this behavior.
Often the truth is parents are just looking for sympathy for themselves. It’s very sad.
I certainly feel your pain! I had many issues with my siblings.
I so wanted a healthy, loving relationship with all of the members of my family.
We can’t pick our family. We can’t control their behavior but we can choose our reaction.
I don’t wish any harm to anyone in my family but I wouldn’t say that we are close and we never will be.
I was very close to my dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I am grateful for that.
At one time I was close to my mom. Continual caregiving with complicated issues from siblings and mom favoring them as her precious sons put a huge strain on our relationship.
I am relieved to no longer be mom’s caregiver. We have limited contact.
Am very grateful to all of you.
We are glad that you found us. I enjoy reading your posts.
My daughter has MS and found this weekend she started aggressive chemo in December,and will soon be totally immunocompromised as it continues to wipe out the wbc counts. On top of all this the above brother has convinced my husband covid is not real. There are no covid protocol going on over at parents home. My daughter sent my husband a very nice letter explaining he will need to change those behaviors if he wants to see his grandchildren. Another fight with husband when I tried to explain the brother above needs to get the help phone call , not us ( we live 2 minutes away, brother 10) if it’s more emergent, press the medic alert. DH says he won’t do that. But if DH goes over , and EMS is needed or called , I can’t see or help my daughter for 2 weeks to protect possible exposure. Another fight.
SIL sent a text explaining , there is no biblical context of retirement, Gods plan for elderly.... and that my DH is spiritual head of household , that I needed to be straightened out ....!!!!!! and that when I married my husband I married the family , so Im obligated to take care of my in laws. My husband’s parents essentially had two generations of children, consequently 3 are retired , SIL husband said we had the right to have worked without having to help give care , his wife deserves the same . I say , I have worked all my life , for my retirement. If we start, my retirement life is gone. As one of the retired brothers wants to keep them in their home till their dying breath...SIL will not need to do care when she retires, 3rd sibling lives out of state ( lucky guy) Her mom is 90. What’s the issue , these 2 siblings are cut from the same cloth , tearing it apart. Both manipulative for their own wants, throw biblical quotes around, my husband gets guilted... standing my ground.. oh since I married the family, well I’ve divorced the family.... oh , yes, in laws can afford some in home care. The BIL who wants to keep them in their home, wants inheritance. The home is in trust to high functioning disabled brother...
Babs
Oh my gosh! Your SIL is out of the box CRAZY 😜!!!
My older brother does the same thing with scriptures. My younger brother isn’t any better.
It’s insane, absolutely insane to use the Bible to intimidate others.
God’s word should never be used to harm others. God is love, not a ‘big bully’ in the sky.
Good for you that you aren’t falling for your SIL’s crap!
Enjoy your retirement, honey! Let them figure it out. I am not worried about you. You are very smart not to let her dump on you!
Honestly, caregiving is a very job that I truly wouldn’t wish on anyone that doesn’t have help. I did it for a bazillion years and it nearly killed me.
All my Bible thumping brother did was criticize until I blew a rod and it all backfired on him.
Now he and his fourth wife have my mother! He was smart enough to enlist hospice for help. Mom is 95.
I keep in touch with my mom but the relationship with my brothers is sadly over.
I don’t hate my brothers because I don’t hate anyone. I actually don’t feel anything for them anymore, just numbness. I am finally at peace now.
Thanks to a great therapist I did stop trying to have a ‘fairytale’ ending. I went from an idealist to a realist.
You worked hard! You deserve to live in peace.
Take my word for it. You are making the right choice. Caregiving is hard and never gets easier. It only becomes more difficult.
Congrats on dodging a bullet!
I certainly mean no disrespect to those who have been or are a caregiver for loved ones. I did it too.
I am only expressing my feelings about my situation. All situations are different and I appreciate that.
Over the next few years it became obvious that they were willing to sit back and let me do most of the work. I am an organizer, that is my strength. I also decided that I would rather keep a positive relationship with my sibs rather than resent them for not helping or sometimes even visiting our parents. I did not hesitate to ask them for help if I needed it but I also knew not to expect a lot. I also figure that if this is the example they are setting for their own children then they will have only themselves to blame in 20-30 years.