I'm so tired of reading articles about how we're supposed to treat our LO with dementia. I bet I could find over a thousand articles on this site alone. And what are our guidelines as caregiver? Walk on egg shells all the time while their disease steals our lives. Is it some martyr complex people get off on? I don't get it. This is the most miserable life and I could never have imagined how hard this would be. If I could have imagined it, she'd have been in a memory care facility years ago.
Her dementia is killing me. And I know for sure that if I ever get diagnosed with this beast of a disease, I won't put anyone through taking care of me. No way.
I'm venting and angry tonight. It feels like there is no end in sight.
Solidarity, my friend!
Vent away! Rant, rave, punch a pillow, scream, kick and yell!
I think everyone on this site that has actually done hands on caregiving has felt exactly the way you do at one time or another.
Those who have had loved ones in facilities have had challenges too.
Some people on the forum have parents at home alone because they are too stubborn to go into a facility and barely let their children care for them.
All caregiving is difficult but situations like yours are especially difficult.
I applaud your honesty. I truly do.
Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs in the world, even without a progressive or difficult to treat conditions such as dementia, Parkinson’s disease, mental illnesses, etc. Meds can’t cure these. The fact is, there is no cure. I certainly pray that one day there will be a cure. Being a caregiver to someone with these conditions is a tough challenge. So, I feel for you.
All I can say is that I feel that you are paying the price for continuous exhausting work! People invest heavily into caregiving without receiving a reward in return. Often times, the opposite occurs. We become physically and emotionally bankrupt.
People who say it is rewarding are entitled to their opinion but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a great deal of pain that goes along with caregiving. I personally found more pain than rewards towards the latter part of my caregiver days.
If you feel like you’re exhausted all of the time, as you name says, then you may be approaching burn out. You aren’t alone. Many of us reached a point when we could no longer be productive in our lives.
If this is true, stop pushing yourself. Seek help any which way that you can, either from this forum, a social worker, the medical community, a therapist, clergy if you are religious, etc.
Sorry, I didn’t think to read your profile. So please tell me, is your mom at home with you or in a facility?
What do you feel that you need most at this time that would improve your life? What would be helpful to you? Speak your mind. It’s okay to be angry. Anyone in your shoes would be upset.
By the way, most people want to help. If you come across advice that you disagree with, disregard it. One step at the time. Nothing gets resolved overnight. As long as you are moving forward you are going in the right direction. Keep reaching out. Something somewhere will speak to you.
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
Hope you are able to get some rest soon. Take care.
It also sounds like you might be at the place where your love brings you to the place of putting mom in the nicest facility you can find for her, so she can get the help she needs and you can get the rest and break you need, so you can get back to just being her daughter. May God bless you and keep you.
Only if you let them continue to use you can they get away with it. Stop propping up their false independence and see how willing they become.
Loving parents do not put their children in a position to become a statistic and that is what your parents are doing by their stubborn refusal to face reality. Tell them that 40% of all caregivers die before the person they are caring for, do they really want you to die 1st so they don't have to change anything?
You are no longer a child that has to follow orders. You are an adult with choices and you can make decisions for yourself, regardless of how they feel about it.
Btw, it happened to meet another woman who takes care of her mum in the supermarket. She asked me if I ever loose my temper or feel depressed when I said yes she thanked me as that relieved her, she felt less guilty and more normal - she did say!
Not all of us have the patience to be Caregivers. My Mom was with us for 20 months and she was easy compared to some of the parents you read about. It was the bathing and toileting that got to me. I am five ft with no upper body strength. Mom could do but still needed help getting up and down. It did a number on my lower back. I was always afraid she would fall in the shower. Hated cleaning her up. It was never to be permanent, waiting for her house to sell. I placed her in an AL where I think she was happier and adjusted well.
I don't like it when someone says "they took care of you". True, but there were two of them. A lot of Caregivers do it alone 24/7. And usually its a Senior caring for a Senior. Maybe its time to place Mom.
I calmed her down over the course of 2 hrs or fit just ran its course, but had to walk away twice because I was loosing my mind. I actually yelled one day you will not be in this madness and walked out.
it’s ok to have emotions, even saints have their moments.
durning these times of frustration I often wonder if magic pills/surgeries to extend our lives are doing more harm then good to our LO.
So sorry that you had to go through that whole ordeal. Life as a caregiver can be h*ll on earth!
I sincerely hope that all caregivers find rest and peace as soon as possible. Some people are hanging on by a thread!
(((hugs))) We hear you and you are so right. It can be one day or 10 years or 30 years of caregiving, but it can and does take a toll. I hope you will consider some respite care or making alternate arrangements. I tend to ignore my own feelings but it lead me down a dark path. In hindsight, I wish so much I had asked for help sooner and recognized I was not a saint or a martyr. I shouldn't have tried to do it all...it was a mistake.
Thinking of you.
I still call her daily, see her weekly, take care of all of her finances and doctors and specialists and tests and hospital visits and rehabs.............trust me, it's PLENTY. It's not like once you place your mom you're finished. You're not. The only thing that changes is that she's out of your house and you have time to yourself again. You deserve to have a life of your own and she deserves to have a life of her own as well.
Consider placement before you DO die too young. The statistics on such things is terrible.
And I'm with you. If, God forbid, I get very old and need care, I will NOT put any of my children through the task of caring for me (or my husband). Colorado is an assisted suicide state and that's the route we'll take. We'll bow out with grace and dignity instead of crucifying our own children in an effort to live a little longer........at THEIR expense. Not happenin'.
Wishing you the best of luck and the courage to CHANGE your predicament.
Interesting about Colorado being an assisted suicide state. I think all states should be.
I realize this goes against my Catholic upbringing but I don’t agree with the church’s beliefs on this topic.
I respect all faiths but I feel that each individual has to follow their hearts according to their own circumstances.