A few days ago I posted a question asking if I should put my mother back in a nursing facility because my husband was ready for her to go after me bringing her into our home for a year. I gave a lot of details about my childhood and my mother’s performance and lack of being a mother growing up. I also gave insight to some of the issues I was dealing with inside my marriage. I’d like to thank EVERYONE who left feedback and advice for me. I was able to read and reread everyone’s comments, then prayed about it, I spoke with my husband and my mother about it and I even called a meeting with our children today. This isn’t easy, the decision that I’ve made to care for my mother who left me and 6 of my other siblings in the system when we were younger. All of you guys are right in some aspects because I do deserve, my husband deserves and our children deserve to live in our home and work on our family and enjoy each other how we want without having the weight of caring for another person. My husband deserves all of me as his wife, his friend and the mother of his children and his teammate in building our family legacy. My children deserve all of me as their mother in raising them and providing what mothers do for their children. I’ve learned all by trial and error because I didn’t have the upbringing that my husband and I provide for our children. Facts are: she’s here. I’m not going to just toss my mother back in a nursing facility. I did sit my husband down and apologize to him and asked him if we could come up with a plan that is best for our family and what we could live with, when it comes to my mother. He agreed. I also made a vow that I would make sure to tend to his needs as being his wife in every area. I apologized to my children and thanked them for helping me. No. It was not easy to forgive my mother for me and my siblings growing up in the system and all that we have endured for her and our fathers choosing to not take care of us. It was not easy at all. I’m still healing and my siblings are as well. I’m not perfect at all. So when I speak on what I am learning about Gods word, it’s not coming from a perfect place. It’s coming from a place of me still learning and trying. When I say I have forgiven my mother, I mean that. I won’t stop having the heart God gave me just because someone did me wrong. I am learning though, because I am married and have children, I can’t just make decisions without thoroughly thinking them through and exploring alternatives before considering my home and my family. Even if the situation is a rush. I have to allow things to fall in place how they will and if all parties of my home agree, then we can move forward from there. Until my husband and I decide what we are going to do, we have agreed that mom will stay and we will take care of her. The option to move her to a facility is on the table and I’m okay with it. I can’t help that even at 39 years old, after growing up in foster care from 6 to 18…I still love my mom and still want her. I can’t help that it brings joy to my heart that when I wake up in the mornings and I go downstairs for my cup of coffee, I smile seeing my mother well as she can be in her bed in my living room. When I was a child, all I wanted was my mom. Now I have her. Even if only for a few more weeks or months then she goes to a facility. I thank God he allowed my husband to give me 1 year of being close to her. I thank God when she does pass from this life, it won’t be with my heart filled with hate towards her, but love and forgiveness. I thank God for my husband. Out of every man that has come into my life, he’s been my protector. My best friend. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Not even for my mother. I wouldn’t sacrifice my children’s childhood just for my mother. That’s not what I believe God is doing.
I will keep you guys updated and I will continue to reread the comments because they help me to understand and see things from another perspective.
What do you think she would prioritize more, declining further life extending measures with a kid who despite all cares? Or living for another decade or more in a facility?
She’s had two heart attacks, two comas, a brain injury and despite over a year in your care hasn’t regained her adls and at this point is unlikely to. Maybe the time has ended for doctors appointments as you cant continue this forever.
I do agree, putting your mom in a facility is a large decision. And no large decision should be made hastily.
I'm glad things are going better between you and your husband. I'm glad we could help.
We are always here, for you.
I understand the Christian perspective, but don't burn yourself out trying to please everybody else and leaving nothing for yourself.
Please make arrangements for your mom because eventually she is going to need a higher level of care which I suspect she already does at this point. If she gets Medicare, see if you can sign her up for Medicaid. That way, you can get an aide to come in to help with mom's needs until you can get her into a nice facility.
Make sure you are making a sound decision based on logic and not one based out out denial.
In Christian faith, men are the head of households. So, when your husband says it's time to place mom, please listen to him.
Anything with two heads is a monster.