My grandmother had a really bad fall 2 months ago. I grew up with an addict mother (who passed) so my grandma has always forcefully been in my life. I have always advocated for her, especially after my grandfather passed. Moved her from Chicago to Florida where I currently reside. She was living alone and I was caring for everything, bills, food, going and getting her in and out of bed daily. After the fall/hospital stay I reluctantly moved her into my home. Finding any answers or assistance with elder care is beyond impossible. I gave up my bedroom to give it to her, I now sleep in my garage. I was really hopeful that it would work. Well, it's not. Every day she says "I hope you rot in hell", "you are the most selfish person I've ever met", etc. I actually yelled the other day because I was at a breaking point. I am so tired and upset at myself for getting to that point. I sat down with my children afterwards and explained that my behavior was beyond wrong. The sad thing is all 3 of them felt it to be justified and that just breaks my heart. She comments on everything, every time we try and speak reasonably about how we can make our living situation better her response is "well I'll just die!". I'm at my wits end with her. Ontop of daily life of corporate America, raising 3 children, etc. She has no assets and limited SS. What are my options here? Please.
How old is your grandmother?
What are her current health issues?
How much assistance does she currently require? (Like can she do any ADLs, activities of daily living, like dressing herself, going to the bathroom, etc.)
Do you have power of attorney (POA) for her?
And her behavior— has she always been mean and verbally abusive or is this new behavior (that might be caused by a urinary tract infection, dementia, etc.)?
And most important in my opinion— is she directing any of her verbal abuse towards your children and traumatizing them possibly in the same way that you have been traumatized by your addict mom, grandma who raised you “forcefully,” and other family members who were neglectful or absent?
You or the state can apply for Medicaid for grandma for her future care.
I wish you well in finding the appropriate facility or apartment for grandma to move to.
since you asked for honest answers and honest advice. Have you ever tried giving your Grandmother back some of her sass?
Next time she says "I hope you rot in in hell"
Answer with "I hope you do too!" or "hell will be a vacation after taking care of you" or " Well if I go to hell at least my coffee will never get cold"
Next time she says "well I'll just die"
Answer with "What time do you want to schedule that?"
Lol! 😉
Grandma has to go.
It is not your fault and not your problem that she has no assets and no where to go. How was she living on her own in Chicago before you moved her to Florida?
does she still have an apartment or home nearby in FL?
If she can not live independently, and needs help with activities of daily living, or with personal cares, then apply for Medicaid for her and place her in a skilled nursing facility.
To answer a few questions, yes she has always been a narcissist guilt tripper. Knows no bounds and I have to be honest I'm learning boundaries as I age. I was and always have been the helper, the fixer, the caretaker...of everyone/everything.
She will be the happiest jolliest lady in front of everyone else but with family its a different story.
To answer the other commenters questions (thank you again because they are very well formed for a big picture)
How old is your grandmother?
Turned 89 yesterday!
What are her current health issues?
Hx of mini strokes and high blood pressure. Relatively "healthy" given her age.
How much assistance does she currently require?
Major ADL assistance. Needs help getting in and out of bed, pulling up depends, bowel issues, can no longer make food, medication assistance, I think she can use the remote but refuses! Now I just leave her to sit in silence because I know physically she can use the remote.
Do you have power of attorney (POA) for her?
I do have POA.
And most important in my opinion— is she directing any of her verbal abuse towards your children and traumatizing them possibly in the same way that you have been traumatized by your addict mom, grandma who raised you “forcefully,” and other family members who were neglectful or absent?
No. The other day when I did yell I told my children to go to their rooms. Gramma instantly like a switch had tears in her eyes and told the children to stay. (Enter in the guilt)
That one sentence must have triggered something within me because absolutely not. You hold no power over my children, you had your chance and messed up your kids, not mine. (I said all of this)
She says nothing verbally abusive to the children. With them it's more so comments. Every time one walks by "are you wearing those shoes?"? "You know gramma loves you so much?", "I might not be here tomorrow", its nothing ever flat out insane but these are said 20-30 times a day. Hence why the kids no longer come out of there rooms.
I honestly feel terrible that I made the choice to provide safety and move her in. I feel like I created this mess and in some ways even with the best of intentions I did.
We say a lot around here that caregiving needs to work for both parties— both the person receiving care AND the caregiver. And I think we could add that it needs to work for the caregiver’s minor children as well! So, right now you’re regularly being driven to the edge and your children don’t want to leave their rooms. This situation isn’t working.
Time to get this woman out!!!
This is smothering and completely inappropriate behavior. They are feeling like prisoners in their own home and essentially telling you they feel uncomfortable at best. I truly hope you find placement for her soon. You'll be having a nervous breakdown soon if not. Honestly don't know how you've made it this long. You tried. No one can fault you for that but if she doesn't leave soon the kids are going to have a lot of resentment...