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I gave up trying to tell my mother anything important in my life a long time ago, because nothing is more important in her mind than HER. So this morning as Im taking her to pick up her prescriptions I tell her I found a lump in my arm pit and its scaring the heck out of me and all I get is " well my dr told me I better take this medicine or else and goes off into her own little pity land This is OFFFICALLY the LAST time I EVER try and discuss anything real with her again. My mother lives right under my own roof yet I have NO mother. How sad is that. Just need to vent... AGAIN because its sooooo HARD living and caring for someone who cares about NOTHING other than themselves.

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I am sorry that no one has responded to your post. It sounds like your mom is a classic narcissist. You may do well to search the word narcissist on this site to read more about narcissistic parents and how people are dealing with them. Can your mother be left alone? If she can be left alone then I would suggest getting a therapist to help you work through this and to give you the emotional support that you so desperately need.
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golflady- I'm so sorry you're going through this, both the health scare and your self-involved mother. My mother is just like that. When my sister was diagnosed with colon 6 or 7 years ago (very early, completely cured, thank god!), I was the one who told my mother. Her response "Well, I guess maybe I should get a colonoscopy then!" After a while, she forgot she ever even heard that, declaring in my sister's presence "Well, we have no family history of colon cancer!"

I really do feel your pain. Especially when you are sacrificing so much and investing so much of your time, energy, and caring in someone else, to have them show such disregard for your feelings and your wellbeing is an awful feeling. You would think that when they're demanding so much of you, elderly parents would feel compelled to give back at least what they're still capable of giving, which is attention and caring and emotional support, but it often doesn't happen that way. Last year my mother actually forgot my birthday, and I was practically living with her at the time. I gave up trying to talk to her about anything in my life a long time ago. If she cared about me at all, she would not have trapped me in the unending sacrifice of a caregiving relationship. She doesn't pretend to care at this point and I don't expect her to. I gave up feeling bad about it a long time ago.
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My mom isn't an narcissist, but as people get older, their world gets smaller and smaller and their interest soon becomes all about themselves. I don't tell my mom about anything important because she won't remember it and she won't know what to say to me. So I turn to my friends for support. I don't even tell my brother, because I won't get support from him either.

So build your own support network and don't look to your mom for that kind of support. She's no longer capable (and maybe never was, I don't know what your mom's history is). I'm sorry you have a lump and I hope you get it checked out ASAP. And tell us how you're doing, because we get it and we care!
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golflady, the lump in your armpit is frightening. If your mother paid any attention isn't important right now. Just get yourself to the doctor and get that thing out of there! I hope that it is benign. You are going to have to call someone in to help with your mother or put her in another place for a while. I know that is a hassle you don't need right now. Do you have any family that will help? I wish you lived around here. I would help so you can get this tended to.

My mother is the same way as yours and Carla's. I am not guessing when I say that if I keeled over dead tomorrow, my mother's only remorse would be that she lost her caregiver. She has totally lost any real compassion for anyone outside herself. I think it is more common that most of us care to admit.
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Golf lady, building that support network is very important to those who don't get support from the family. It is almost useless telling my mother about important life events so I don't. Hope you get that lump checked out soon. You sure don't need anymore hassles. All the best.
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Thank you all for the kind words, You don't realize how important a support system is until you need it and everybody else runs for the hills and leaves you alone. I have defiantly learned that blood is NOT thicker than water. YES YES YES my mother is a TOTAL narcissist.......but I didn't realize that it was until I found this place last year, after moving mom in with me, and losing my mind completely, and someone told me to read a book. I always knew there was a reason that even as toddlers me and my 5 siblings felt the need to protect and take care of our mother. but protect her from WHAT?? Shouldn't it be the other way around ?? So at 49 I FINALLY had an AH HA moment. Its sad that I feel like nothing but a free place to live and a free taxi service to the woman who gave birth to me. without a place to vent and not be JUDGED ( we ALL know everyone is judging us behind our backs. they offer ZERO help but judge judge judge ) I don't know where I would be today. So once again thank you all just for being here when someone like me needs to vent !!!!
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My mother likes to tell my husband the story that I was always the one to try and make everybody ( my siblings ) laugh and That I am like the glue that binds the family. Yet she dosent even realize ( even though she lives with me ) that the glue has lost it sticky. The glue is old and worn off. The glue NO LONGER CARES if the family sticks together because everybody else has thrown the glue out to dry !!!!!! I must say I feel like a HUGE burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am officially DONE with trying to keep this family together. why would I care about them when they have PROVED how little they care about me by abandoning me when I need them all the most. When my mother gets her senior apartment ( shes on a waiting list ) and this glue high tails it and the rest of the family is forced to lift a finger they are going to regret hanging the glue out to dry. Im going to visit and help financially but that's all Im offering up. Ill be waving my best princess wave on my way out of town !!
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You've been hammered and your stress level is so high so often it seems. The frustration, anger, resentment and Lord know what other emotions seem to be eating away at you and you need a break now! Forgive me if you mentioned this already, but is it possible to move mom to other care (assisted, memory, etc) or even a two week respite care or something. Really, you need this break badly and your life may depend on it given this lump.

You're going to the doctor, yes?! Have it checked, right? I don't want to come back here and read you're sick or ran over your mom (smile just kidding) though I'm sure you've felt like it. I just think this constant high stress may now be really rearing its head and presenting you a reality call to care for yourself. Please don't neglect this or yourself. You can't help her if you don't and your hub needs you and loves you. Beyond, maybe see if there's a hobby, activity (golf anybody?) or something where you can a break on a regular basis from her. Truly, it sounds like she's ruining in your health. Do what you need to care for her, but not to the exclusion of yourself.

We want you around too. This forum is great for the support as I think we are caregivers for each other too! Please don't mess around, make an appointment pronto!
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