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Mom passed away a month ago after battling dementia for about 7 years. I have cried very little. Yes, I miss her; but I am relieved this is over. For the first 4 years of her disease, she lived alone in her home (60 miles from mine). An aide & I shared primary caregiving duties, with assistance from a sister & brother. Then Mom moved in with us for 2 months and it was a disaster. We moved her to an ALF, and her aide continued to help 4 days a week with the 3 siblings each taking another day. That was all good for 18 months until her stroke. After the stroke, she was moved to a NH 75 miles away & was there for her last 18 months. I visited her every Saturday, and now I am questioning if I did that out of obligation & not love. Also during this time a single older brother battled lung cancer & we (3 siblings) did what we could long distance to help him (he was 600 miles away) & his busy daughters. In the end, 2 of us would go down for about 5 days at a time, which meant that every 3 weeks or so I’d be down there. Now I am facing the caregiving issues with my in-laws — she has dementia & he, the primary caregiver, has lung cancer. I am trying very hard to back off & let the more local SILs take the reins. But that shouldn’t affect how I react to my own mom’s passing. She was a wonderful woman and I should be grieving more. What is wrong with me? Am I really that cold hearted?

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No. You're dazed.

I don't want to be like some kind of emotional vulture and predict that the mourning will come... Maybe it won't... But try not to get blind-sided by grief when you're least expecting it. Once you have (very sensibly) rationalised your caregiving time and you've got your breath back, it may be that feelings will flood back. Give yourself plenty of time and space as far as you can.
(31)
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I have heard it said that with dementia you grieve twice. My father has Alzheimer's. Once with the diagnosis and second upon their passing. You have been grieving a long time already watching your mom slip away from you as dementia robbed not just your mom but you of your mom. Everyone handles loss differently and you really should not beat yourself up over this. Someday when you may least expect it, you will express your grief. Your family health situation and care giving for one member to another looks pretty tight and stressful....when would you have time to grieve? You are doing OK and I in no way think you have a cold heart and there is nothing wrong with you!
(35)
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Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you, kdcm1011. You are NOT cold-hearted. You have been grieving for years already. I left my home and closed business in another state to move with Mom as her live-in caregiver. There are moments of poignant happenings I'll weep over her. I spoke to a hospice counselor who stated the grieving process has begun, which is good. Thanks to this forum, I'm aware when Mom does pass I'll feel relief--for us both. I'll be sad she's gone, but relieved her pain and anguish are over. As others above stated, the force of your Mom's passing may hit you. Before it does and afterward, go easy on yourself and treat yourself well.
(27)
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KDCM, I lost my mom in August and haven't cried but a little bit, mostly when people said kind things to me. I cried a great deal (out of frustration as well as loss) after my mom started down the path of cognitive decline and vascular dementia. But I find that my feelings right now are mostly numbness, relief and gratitude.

It sounds like you still have a full plate. Find ways to take care of yourself and let us know how you're getting on. Not everyone grieves by crying.
(32)
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It's true about the dementia. I remember how as the years went by, a little bit of my mom was no more (her personality, her likes, dislikes, etc..) Until in the end, she was a complete stranger. As each personality goes away, we mourn that. A little bit at a time. It sounds bad, but I liked the stranger better than my real mom. Despite that, when she passed away, I was torn between feeling that I should be sad that she died and my greater feelings of relief. While all my family were mourning, I was the odd one standing there, not shedding any tears. It was so very awkward. So, I know how you feel - about thinking you're coldhearted. You're Not. We just been mourning differently than the normal way.

About 18 months after my mom died, one night, I just started crying so hard. It was scary that I was crying so hard for No Reason! I couldn't stop the crying. Once I was done, I finally realized that these were the tears for mom. 18 months later....

I'm closer to my dad. I became his caregiver 5 years ago when he had a stroke and became bedridden. He passed away in July. At least I cried in his funeral but it was just tears streaming down. I'm waiting for the real mourning to hit me (the whole crying fireworks.) ... So don't worry. The crying will hit you - when you least expect it.
(27)
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I think some people just don't cry--I'm one of them, and it seems normal to me. There are other ways that we grieve.
(25)
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I grieved my dad's passing as he moved through the stages of Parkinson's. When he finally passed, I cried, but really, very little. He suffered so much. I was relieved he was done with that.

Everyone "grieves" differently. Some people keep theirs to themselves, and do it very privately, some need to have others "watch" so to speak. Just b/c you aren't crying over mom's passing doesn't mean you didn't care. You've got a lot on your plate right now---maybe when things settle down, you'll feel differently, but don't worry if you don't.
(22)
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Kdcm,
I agree with the others.

My Mom’s journey with Dementia was a long one.

I, like Barb, cried a lot during the journey. Most of those times were when Mom was trying to remain in her home and my hands were tied. Lots of the times involved my anger and frustration with my sister.

Mom was in a NH from August 2012-October 2015. Better, safer than when she was in her home but still a challenge.

I remember thinking the last 6 months or so when her weight was so low, how long can she survive in this state? I think at that point I had let go.

I never sobbed, or cried. My eyes would get watery, maybe a single tear. From The time I arrived at the nursing Home the morning she died as the staff were sobbing. To the funeral when my sister was having yet another meltdown.

I still get watery eyed when I post about Mom but that’s it.

We that joined our loved ones on their difficult journeys appreciate their suffering is over. Or that’s my feeling anyway.
(31)
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People mourn in different ways. There is no "right" way to do it.

My husband died 5 years ago and my mother about 1 year ago. I sobbed once, several months after the death. I think of them often, and sometimes I get teary-eyed. Not everyone is a crier. It has nothing to do with being cold-hearted.
(27)
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Dear kdcm,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself, we all grieve differently. There has been so much on your shoulders and you did the very best you could for your mom. I was never much of a crier, I tried to be stoic if I could. But when my father passed last year I was so raw and cried more than I did my whole life. I only say this because we are all so different and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

You are so good to help your family and now your in laws. I have been reminded over and over again that we all just have to do what is normal for us and not worry about what others think.

Take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.
(19)
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I cry at funerals of people I barely know, but I didn't cry when my dad died. I loved my dad very much and I felt guilty that I didn't cry like everyone else did. I finally realized months later that I was in caretaker mode with my dad when he became sick. I handled everything including the doctors, the hospital, my grieving mother, the funeral, communication with all the siblings, etc. I had to be strong to handle everything. I couldn't let myself grieve, I had too much to take care of. Then I needed to continue staying strong because my mom was lost and depended on me for everything.
I don't think we're cold hearted. If we were we wouldn't have been there for our parents when they needed us. Personally, I think my sibling, who did nothing to help with my father, but cried her eyes out when he died is the cold hearted one:)
(21)
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Everyone’s journey is different, but my personal experience is that as I’ve had to go through very hard things in life, including facing my mom’s terrible aging process and frail health, I’ve become more and more “controlled”, not intending to, I figure it’s just my defense and also the only way I can deal with situations where I’ve to keep it together. So I rarely cry, I feel despair and frustration, but normally don’t cry.
Our minds and emotions adapt to what life presents us with, and you seem to have been “presented” with a lot.
Don’t judge or measure your love for your mom with tears cried or not! Your heart holds your truth, try to find peace in that.
And prayers going your way for strength to endure the other caregiving journeys you’re living!
(12)
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When my parents had passed not too long ago, I didn't cry per say. I was misty eyed, but that was it. I think I was just so physically and emotionally drained from helping them over the years, I didn't have any more to give.
(11)
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Thank you, all, for your kind words. And compassion. I was feeling like a freak, especially because, like sue988, I cry at funerals of people I barely know. My cousin, who went thru this with her own mom, told me that it would hit me at the most unexpected time. Well, she was right. It hit me in Kohl’s of all places yesterday.
(17)
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So sorry for the loss of your Mom. It seems you lost her gradually over a long period of time, and I suspect you've done much of your grieving along the way. You're allowed to feel however you feel -- and I totally understand if your primary feeling is relief right now. You and your mother had a rough run, her suffering is over.

There are no "shoulds" here. You seem to be such a rock to so many people that you may also have simply learned to put your own feelings aside and shoulder up what needs to be done. It sounds like you did your best and made the tough choices where your mother was concerned and that is nothing to second guess or feel guilty about. You are far far from cold-hearted -- your compassion takes the form of sacrificial service, not tears, and that is worth far more.

It hasn't been very long, and those tears will find you when the time is right. Meanwhile, relief that your mother is at peace and your time of long-distance worry and care is over is a perfectly reasonable response.
(6)
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Once you put them in a nursing home you already accept the fact they are dying and already lost them. What makes a person is their personality and uniqueness. When Alzheimer's disease (AD) eats them up their personality slowly dies and become like all other AD victims: The only thing left is the shell. They are already dead; only their body is left alive which requires considerable care just to maintain that because they are no longer able to do it themselves. AD is a dying process...a very very slow dying process that can take a decade or even longer. Sometimes shorter. They are all walking disasters just waiting to happen. Eventually they will succumb to their disease whether it be forgetting how to eat and swallow food, or wandering and falls. It's terrible to see your loved one go through that every single day. You were smart putting her in a nursing home. Each day I wake up I'm in constant fear and stress.  The first thing I do is go to her bedroom and make sure she did not fall. The day only begins..medications and using psychological tricks to get her to eventually take it.  Bowel movement diary (if they care constipated 3 days they are impacted). Insulin.  Blood pressures to take. Exercise schedule. Bath schedule. Eating schedule. Brushing teeth schedules.  Toileting schedule (she uses up about 5 diapers a day; diapers, baby wipes, ointments or skin protection, and gloves cost about $100 a month). This is my life. Day after day..everyday. Year after year..   I'm so used to this I would not know how to react if my mom died. The daily grind of stress, financial stress because I can't work--she IS a full time job--I neglect my own health (my life savings are being eaten up as my Obamacare is close to $700 a month with $6,860 deductibles and it's so expensive I do not even see a doctor and not done so since Obamacare and I am not eligible for any kind of subsidies as I am below poverty income but my life savings makes me ineligible for Medicaid).  I'm an emotional cripple so I can't imagine life without mom I've been doing this for 8 years now. Since she takes so much work she's actually not doing too badly for someone with end-stage Alzheimer's and I still walk her everyday about a quarter of a mile. 
(8)
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think the good days when your mom was living that might help to think how sad it is for her to go ..my mom has dementia & had it since 2011..2 weeks ago i had a dream about her like she use to be & i thought i miss my mom the way she use to be ..even now she says sorry to be a bitch at times ..to me she kinda knows what is going on she mus be catch her self being bad to me & knowing it ..she threatens she wants to kick me out of the house ..but i know the dementia is trying to win her over ..
(4)
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Depends on the cause of death. My mother died naturally, and I grieved very little because dying of old age is normal. My father was murdered, and the grief was 1000 times worse because it wasn't his time to go. He would have lived a few more years if he wasn't killed by DNR abuse by my greedy siblings who couldn't wait for their inheritance. Now I grieve the loss of several years of life my father could have had, and I grieve the loss of my 3 siblings because I hate them for what they did.
(3)
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You had spent years grieving slowly when the disease started and progressed. Your reaction is completely normal as you went through this so slowly. I spent 13 years slowly grieving after a surgeon gave my Mom 6 months to live after a cancer diagnosis. She lived another 13 years during which I was always vigilant for the other shoe to drop. I was numb with dismay and shock when my Mom took a turn for the worse 11 years later after a fall, in and out of hospitals and nursing homes for rehab, took her into my home, back to the hospital twice for delirium, a better nursing home where hospice was finally suggested. I took her home with help from the hospice people. During this time my husband had heart problems and was hospitalized twice. I had a spontaneous retinal detachment and went blind in one eye and had emergency surgery. All during this time my Mom was bedridden. We were in the process of selling a family business as well. Then when my Mom passed away there were many other things to take care of....no time for grief. It was many months before I began bursting into tears every evening, angry and wondering what the heck caused things to happen the way they did. I miss my Mom. Why did her end have to last 19 months and be so calamitous? Everyone is different, and depending on what you went through for so long, your grieving may have happened so slowly, like walking into a very cold swimming pool a little bit at a time, or it may still hit when least expected. Please do not feel bad about your grieving time table. We all grieve differently and in our own way. You have been through a lot and gave it the best that you could.
(5)
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Kdcm As always everyone’s posts are so true. My fears are I won’t cry either when mom passes. With me though I think it will be because mom wouldn’t let me cry at my dad’s military funeral. I thought I’d bite my lip off when they played taps.
You listen to what the others said and don’t worry whether or not you cry. I didn’t cry at dad’s or my sisters. May God give you His peace through all this.
(3)
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No Sweetheart. You are recovering from the emotional and physical toll of caring for very ill family. You will grieve, sometimes at unexpected moments, even years from now. You may be in a happy moment with others, when the tears will come, and you will be confused why you are crying now....but the tears will come. Bless your heart.
(4)
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If you say your Mom's was a happy person up until the time she became ill, why should you be grieving? Can't you celebrate the happiness she had? You have a whole life time of smiles, laughter, joy with your Mom's and only 7 years of sickness. Enjoy her happiness now, because later you will begin to miss her. I had 5 months with my Mom's, she was 86, but I gave her Holly heck from age 11-33 & those last 5 months was the best time I enjoyed being with my Mom's. I learned many things, we explored one another adventures, lol lol and I wondered the same thing when she died 5 months later. It's been 7 years now, still no tears but I miss her now that I'm getting older but I have no regrets. My biggest laughter with her was when I was bathing her in the rear, and she let me have (baaa-boommm) lol, we looked at one another and fell out laughing. She said I owe you that. Lol My Mom's was a deaf person, but she had love in her heart. Be blessed and enjoy what you had. Each day brings something different. God Bless You. I'm happy I had a chance with my Mom's.
(2)
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After all you've done for your mom? No, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a good and caring daughter and now you deserve to resume your own life. God Bless You!
(3)
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l agree that we grieve differently, my mom died 4 mons. ago. an then had the funeral, now cleaning her house out and moving my didabled son to another home! l cared for mom in her home, 3 acres of land to mow, groceries, cooking, l did it all, an had a home 40 miles away. I would go to my home an take my son grocery shopping, take him out to eat an spend time to talk. Get my bills, an back to moms.I would pay my sis to set with mom. This is just the tip of the work that had to be done, but we all are aware of the work of a lone caregiver, an the stress that goes with it, right? What screams to me is being is being overwhelmed an overworked, we can call it caregiver burnout. Myself, l never missed a beat trying to pack an move an sell my house, an l feel numb, overwhelmed, an trying to get ready for Christmas, an in the process, l am getting dysfuntional, were l just can't move forward.....and l have never cried for my mom! l have never had time to grieve...4yrs of caring for mom, she never knew who l was, she remembered all 3 of my siblings. As mom's life was ending, she said to me, l was her best friend an she loved me, l told her l loved her an would walk her to heavens door. I did just that, l have no regrets, ....But l have to say it was a blessing when she died, she suffered! After all of this, l say, that this Screams, that she need time to just stop, an care for herself, an take the time to sort her feelings out and greive
what ever way she needs to. I pray that you will just stop, an care for yourself an then move on an be blessed!💝
(4)
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You have a ...pardon me but...a crap load of stuff going on.
You KNOW your Mom died but a part of your brain I bet is in high gear sorting out all the other stuff you have going on, your brother needs you now for support, your siblings need you now for support your in-laws need you now, your Husband needs extra support now...
When you sit down and finally realize that you need support is when you will cry. And cry..and cry.
You are expending your energy on others and it takes a lot of energy to cry and realize your loss.
First thing you need to do is give yourself a break. Don't worry that you are not crying.
You should also take a few moments for yourself each day, think about something other than care giving. Support yourself the same way you are supporting others.
(3)
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My guess would be you are so worn out from being a care giver, plus worrying about if you should be helping with other family members. Give yourself time to recover by taking care of yourself.
(2)
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No, you're not cold-hearted. Your brain knows you don't have the time to grieve and I don't see it in your immediate future. You are pressed for personal time because of caring for so many others.
The best I can offer you is a hug and a prayer.
Sometimes letting them go is the best gift we can give.
(2)
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Hi KDCM,

I find myself in a similar situation. My died on 12-6-2016, after battling endocarditis for 6 months. The last 3 months my could no longer hold a conversation and when my mom passed, I could occasionally understand a few of her words. It was gut wrenching to see my mom deteriorate and I remember grieving and crying during this time. When my mom passed away, I was expecting to sob uncontrollably but instead I was numb and in shock. It’s been a year and I’m still numb. I visit my mom’s grave almost daily. I miss her so much. I’m hoping that my life passes soon so that I can be reunited with her.
(1)
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Nothing is wrong with you! My mom passed away last year, similar story. In some ways you lost her a long time ago. Don't feel guilty for feelings you think you should have. You were a wonderful daughter to her to the very end. You may catch yourself in surprising moments of grief, or you may not. But it doesn't mean you didn't love her.
(2)
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There's no need to ask yourself, 'What's wrong with me?' Try to trust yourself, and believe in your soul's way of healing itself. We are SO quick to judge ourselves, especially women it seems, for being 'cold-hearted' or whatever, if we reach a bottom and are unable to give anymore. I had reached a point with my sister years ago, where I could not help her anymore. She had a pattern of relying on me, I always felt like a psychotherapist, yet I never felt I could turn to her for venting. She sort of used me, really. Then when she hit some big bumps in the road, and reached out to me yet again, I couldn't. I was made to feel guilty by her boyfriend, my Uncle, even my brother. But despite them, I dug my heels in. My sanity was more important.
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