Just need support from some friendly voices...
Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.
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So sorry to hear of you hubby’s heart attack. How terrifying for you.
I hope you’ve been able to get some rest.
"he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times."
If I am remembering right isn't this just par for the course in your relationship? I think the fact that he worked away and you only had to put up with him in small doses was probably the only thing that has made your life bearable. You already know how to give yourself "me time" so just return to your routines as much as possible, bring in outside caregivers if you have to - don't let him drag you into the pit with him.
You are so right to protect your feelings from anything even mildly unkind.
You almost lost your hubs and now all this.
You can cry all you want, it is time for that.
My heart is wrenching for you, fighting back tears on your behalf.
Hugs, just hugs right now, sent to you through the cloud.
It’s a family joke at my house. If my DH has ANY problem he is looking to see where I am and how I caused it. We all laugh together because he would be so lost without me and I’m sure it’s the same for you.
You know, all the near misses he’s had may have allowed him to be a bit cavalier about his mortality.
From what you’ve written about him I just wish he enjoyed life a bit more but like in the Jack Nicholson movie, this may just be “As Good As It Gets” so don’t look for more.
Declare him perfect just the way he is. You will both like him more. Smile
I have a therapist, I will see her on Thursday. Have been going for MANY years.
He cannot travel for 2 months, as he HAS to lose a significant amt of weight and get in much better shape. So--he'll be home.
NOT putting up with his babyish behavior. He was complaining of a migraine earlier, but wouldn't call the dr to see if he was OK to take his imitrex. Then he starts having a panic attack and saying he can't breathe, he's not oxygenating...well, the O sats are 96 and his BP is 189/100--so my guess was panic attack. I just called his dr's office and chatted with the nurse, She okayed the Klonipin and IMitrex. A miracle occurred--he feels "fine". His BP is down, he doesn't have tightness in his chest...(sigh) I will call them again tomorrow and request a scrip for his own antianxiety meds. He was listed on his charts as having severe anxiety, but he kept denying it, and so they didn't treat him.
My kids are all 100% supportive of me. I will keep "correct" food in the house and will teach him how to prepare meals that are healthy. I will be supportive of the exercise and I will do whatever I can to help him, but in the end, it's all on him.
I agree, anger masks many emotions. MANY men do not do any emotion other than anger--which is a "manly" emotion and they feel OK with it.
I'm so tired. After he's recovered, I plan to go visit my daughter in San Jose for a few days. No DH with me, just me.
Time will tell if this marriage keeps on going. Right now is not the time to make that life altering decision.
97mom--yeah, it's a joke that DH has to assign blame in all cases---and it usually is somehow my fault. I, however, do not find it one bit amusing.
I'm working hard to like him right now.
Also, another thing to check, is he on anti-depression meds with all his health problems going on?
Hang in there. I will be praying for you.
You are a strong lady.
Even more so because your relationship is rocky right now.
It sounds like you two have been through a lot together health wise. And it seems you both know your rolls well. You run around trying everything to get him well, and he just lays around 🛌 b#tching and moaning. He yells, you cry. Oh I know the scene well.
I know being sick brings out the worst in some ppl, we all deal with it differently, So I'm not downing DH at all. I'm just thinking tho,
///If you wanna see 👀 something change...then you must do something different.///
🤔hmm what can we do differently?
Maybe not playing nurse maid. Not being Betty home maker. Nor Betty Crocker, definitely not Martha Stewart, forget chief bottle washer (oops forgot the rest) and you're too damd cute to be chef Boy-r-dee, so let that one go right out the window! Oh and the gofer's are on strike. 💥🙃 ( U smile here)
In other words, let him fend for himself. (Wherever he can of course) Think about it, it might be better for you both. He might have to actually get up, move around! 🏃🚶
You've been through a lot these last 36 hrs. Just relax🛀☕ And do remember to 😁 SMILE 💖
Check out Noom. Awesome weight loss app. Would he do something like that?
I know you meant your husband, MK. But let us compare and contrast a moment, bear with me.
Your husband is depressed, angry and panicky for very good reasons. Being ill, he expects sympathy.
You, too, must be depressed, angry and panicky, for pretty much equally good reasons. You expect people to think you're a witch for it? Uh?
What's more. DH is in a position to do something *about* his choices. He may not feel like it, and I don't blame him for that because I'm absolutely sure I wouldn't, either; but he *can*. It does lie in his hands to do so.
Whereas you feel responsible - with a little help from him, though I'm sure he was meaning to sweeten you with a compliment, sort of - for supporting his wellbeing, but you don't have any power to force him to choose sensibly. Not fair!
Just thinking aloud.
What happens if he pleases himself and carries on his merry way without further interference with you?
Look at it squarely. Chew it over. Think about it as a present possibility. Then put it to him as that stark a choice.
As CM says, he's got choices right now. So do you.
This is one of those unbearable positions that caregivers get put in from time to time; when we realize that we just "can't" do anything right, no matter WHAT we do.
Was there any talk of rehab? Is he going to be going to outpatient cardio/PT/nurtitional follow up?
Let him go without you. Start getting him ready to live on his own. Let the docs and therapists talk to HIM and not to you.
You are no witch; you deserve several halos and many sets of wings.
As is often the case, BarbBrooklyn posted something I thought of, too. No cardiac therapty or anything else? If not, why not? Barb's idea of having him go to these therapies without you is great.
I guess in the back of your mind is the thought that he might not last long if he doesn't change his ways, and quickly. So there is that, too, muddying things in your mind, correct?
Thank you all for the kind words. I am surely not getting them here at home. One daughter ran by last night with some groceries (a good excuse to lay eyes on her dad). He was quite calm, having been given Klonipin---this am he is panicky again, breathing fast and shallowly. I made him b-fast, explained how he was getting the right amt of carbs and fat....and gave him his am meds. (He is on a ton of stuff, diabetic and transplant patient-- and they added 4 new drugs to the mix).. I did hand him the phone and the # to the cardiologist's and said "You need to make an Follow up apt, I cannot do that for you. And perhaps, while you have the office on line, talk to the nurse who will not be surprised to hear from you. Ask for something for the anxiety" (he finally had admitted he was VERY anxious). Left him with the phone and he did call. The cardiologist wants ME at his appts, but there in no way in the world DH will allow me to go.
Yes, he has cardiac rehab, which is simply an exercise program 3xs a week for 8 weeks that is optional, but highly recommended. He argued he couldn't possibly do it as he has too much work, and his cardio doc said if he chose not to be compliant, he could find another cardio dr to TX him. He opted "out" of the re-learning with the nutritionist. BUT, we 've been down this road, I already cook "clean" and all he has to do is quit the 12 cheeseburger/ giant shake per week habit he has. As long as he is home, no food will be near him that he shouldn't have, but realistically?? It's his choice.
He has a psychiatrist who just weaned him off Cymbalta. He doesn't see her for 2 more weeks and refuses to call to see if he can get in sooner. Again, HIS choice.
Right now he is very angry, depressed and is laying in bed, moaning endlessly. Kinda getting on my nerves. As soon as he gets something and gets the anxiety under control, he'll feel a lot better. Right now I am just adapting.
I've learned, from many years of caregiving, you do have to grow a thick skin. He was so horrid following the Liver Transplant---4 months...I was much younger then. And I cried every single day. It was cathartic and none of his business. He'd tell the kids I was "falling apart" and of no use to him. Them they'd jump down my throat. We're all a lot older now and hopefully that won't happen this time.
I do what I have to do, what needs doing. I take a nap every day. I don't care if he's happy about that or not. I'm up 3xs a night, doing BP check and just checking on him, and I'm still running the house, so I am very tired.
It's only 9:18. It's going to be 100 degrees here today, so I have to go mow lawns now before the heat starts in. Grocery shopping, sorting pills, getting him in and out of the shower--it's going to be a long day. Just praying the dr calls in something for anxiety very soon. DH won't get out of bed if he is panicking. Supposed to be walking around the house and outdoors (too hot today) and refuses.
HIS LIFE. HIS CHOICE. Yet it does affect so many. He's got a lot of thinking to do.
The part about people thinking I'm a witch comes from the course of his many illnesses and his complaining about my sub-par care...which got the kids angry, until they saw that I was actually doing everything. Yesterday at 7:30 am he called and said "I have been released. Come get me NOW!" I threw on some clothes and raced to the hospital, and he was sound asleep in bed. I sat in a chair in the corner. Nurse came in, we talked for 15 minutes about his discharge orders, she left to look at another pt, came back (about an hour by now) said "You guys can go" and she woke up DH. He sits up and says "Well, my wife isn't here, she's never on time". Nurse said "she's been here over an hour". Huh? I was FURIOUS!!! B/C one thing I AM, is punctual to a fault. Drove him home, didn't say a word. Got him settled and when I brought him lunch, I said "You need to apologize about the comment to the nurse. That was very hurtful". "Oh, I'm just joking. Can't you take a joke?" No, sir, no I cannot.
What's the story he tells the kids "Oh your mom, you know how she can't be on time anywhere". Fell pretty flat. Yeah, my guard is always up--not healthy.
Welp--gotta run. Thanks again for the encouragement and kind wishes. He is supposed to be able to return to normal activity next Monday.
No freakin' way.
I'm glad you have a good therapist that can help you navigate all of this. Mine has been a lifesaver through dealing with all of the drama with my mother's situation.
Big hugs to you. Just know you have a lot of people in your corner here sending love and support.
First you are not a witch...you are under a lot of stress and pressure. You and your husband have been through alot. Please feel free to come here to vent any time. This wonderful group of people on this forum sure helped me pull things back together by letting me vent and through great advice. Sometimes we need the tears and a place to vent to help get things out in the open so that we can see them clearly and determine what to do. I did. I went through something very similar (still am when I don't put my foot down when my honey tries to revert back to his old pre-hospital/rehab behavior. See "How to Handle Downright Mean?"; Family relationships Q & A)
Just some history as to why I say I understand. My honey had three heart attacks (major) in a two week period and refused to go to the hospital. We had been together for 3 years at the time. He was 38 at the time. He went after I told him either he went to my doctor or I was calling an ambulance and giving them permission to carry him out forceably. (we are not married even common law though we have been together for 30 years) He went to my doctor and they rushed him to the hospital where he had to have a quad bypass. Two years later, he had v-tach (rapid heart rate) and it was back to the hospital where they also found out he had diabetes (type 2) with blood sugar of over 800. They implanted a defibulator and he did great with it (1993). We joined a support group for people with defibulators and pacemakers. Learned so much and both the people with defibulators and pacemakers were doing well. Fast forward to November 2018, when my honey's v-tach returned and his blood pressure kept dropping. He went to the hospital three times and Dec12th he had surgery to remove the defibulator and they implanted a combined defib/pacemaker. His heart though had been deterioating over the years. In February he became verbally abusive and on April 1st he got severe edema. In May he went into the hospital and rehab due to the severe edema (he had done nothing but sit since his surgery in December). I refused to allow them to release him from the hospital to me as i was not able to care for him in the condition he was in as my back was racked up from lifing on him from November until he went into the hospital in May plus my other health issues. They sent him to a rehab facility. Before being released from rehab he had lost 74lbs in a month all fluid.
Sounds like your husband is trying to bully, shame, blame and in general cut down your self worth like my honey did for a while. (sounds like fear, anger and frustration) When he was getting ready to be released..we had a "come to Jesus meeting" in which I advised him that he would not and I repeat would not go back to treating me the way he had or he would not be coming home. (I was a real mess when I joined this forum). Since coming home he tries occassionally to get verbally abusive. I stop it then I go to my study and tell him if you need me for something urgent let me know. He learned in the hospital that his bad behavior only got him me not being there at all the next day (I would call the nurse's station and check on him). When he would start again I would pick up my stuff and leave. But when he told me he didn't need me, I didn't do anything for him...I said fine you are on your own...you figure it out. The next time I came out his attitude had changed. You have to set boundaries as to what you will tollerate and what you won't then stand by them. My honey actually threatened me while he was in rehab (first time in 30 years). I came home, bought a gun safe and locked up our weapons. Then called the doctor, the nurses and social worker and told them I wanted a psych eval done on him before he came home. (by the way the weapons are still locked up though he is home)
You mentioned that you had felt terror. Was that from him having the heart attack or has he threatened you. Contact his doctor (preferably away from your husband as he will probably get angry) and let him know about the depression and anxiety and anger. See if he can put your husband on meds for it. It is not unusual for strokes and heartattacks to cause anxiety, anger, anxiety and frustration. See if you can get him to go to a heart attack support group and go with him. He has got to get up and start moving around otherwise he could end up in worse shape. My honey has severe heart problems (heart failure) and is on a 24/7 IV.
I know you mainly wanted to vent, but hope what I have posted is not too jumbled and confusing and can help even a little bit. I don't know how old you and your husband are, but there has to assistance out there that can help.
Hang in there. Please make sure that you make time for YOU even if it for a few minutes here and there. Work on a hobby. When your husband goes into bad behavior mode, as long as you know he is ok...walk away. One thing I have found is he can only hurt you, make you angry or make you cry if you allow him too. (took me a while to figure that out).
Please keep posting and don't hesitate to vent. Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
It is for anxiety.
It is on the Beers list for drugs to reconsider giving to anyone over 65.
It is a drug classified as a benzodiazepine and may be dangerous for elders.
However, the doctor knows best. Check on this medication please.
If taken PRN (whenever necessary) for anxiety, the experience of anxiety your husband is having is actually CAUSED by withdrawal, each time he takes one dose, and does not continue on a regular schedule, HE WILL EXPERIENCE WITHDRAWAL anxiety.
This is nothing to mess with, and must be addressed by the cardiologist and psychiatrist.
Can you be looped in?
It is not okay for you to be abused in this way, imo.
We have three great kids.
I'm married to someone now who is kind. NOT brilliant. NOT rich. Sometimes life is a bit boring, but never hurtful.
I still have three great kids.
Oh, and the grass? It can wait.
He is seeing his psych doc tomorrow. I MADE him call her, I also MADE him call the cardio doc about the anxiety. (I have been on Klonipin for 20 years, not happy about it, but I have a severe anxiety disorder and honestly? this one drug has kept me sane. I am not proud of being on it, but I am not ashamed.) Too much backstory to explain it all---and he took ONE milligram, and was miraculously "healed" of the shortness of breath. I KNOW it's anxiety....just waiting for some Dr to agree and help him.
I have had a couple "come to Jesus" moments---and there will be more. I will take care of him but I will NOT be his whipping boy. He did this to himself, all by himself and he has to fix it, essentially by himself.
There will be no more teasing, joking, disrespect of me. I'm done. I actually had a bag packed last week and was planning to take a break from marriage for a couple weeks---for some reason, I don't know why, it didn't work out. I guess I need to be around longer.
And we have 5 fantastic kids and 5 fantastic in law kids and 14 amazing grandchildren. He actually has the life a LOT of men would love.
I have hope he will realize this and come back to us. He in no way, shape or form resembles the man I married.
On a really sad note, and very telling too--his mother (88 and a real Narcissist) was told about his heart attack from his sister on Monday afternoon. She lives 20 minutes away. She has not acknowledged him in any way. No phone call, nothing. What kind of mother DOES that? I'm FURIOUS with her, but it shows the kind of mothering he was used to. So sad.
You can come vacation at my home, I'll give you some TLC that you so fully deserve. From all I have read about you, you are a poster child for care and compassion. Isn't it awful that people take such vile liberties with the ones that care and do the most.
I have to tell you, i want to chew your kids butts, they have no place criticizing you for what their dad says. I would tell them they can do it for a month and see if it works out better, if it does, they're hired and you quit.
I want you to know it is ok to tell all of them that their behavior is inappropriate, unacceptable and will not be tolerated, this will put wind up their sails and you will need to be diligent in addressing the behavior everytime, they will eventually get that you are done being treated so disrespectfully. People treat us how we allow them to, it is hard to change but well worth it in the end.
I have told loved ones that at the very least I expect the same courtesies that they would extend to a stranger. So, no judgement when you aren't involved 24/7. May make things cool, but at least they will give you basic human courtesy and respect.
Is it possible to hire an outside caregiver and tell your hubby that you are doing so because you obviously can not please him and you will not be treated so vile.
PS: I do believe that when someone has a heart attack that depression is a side effect.
HUGS, you deserve so much better then you get from him, I hope it works out exactly the way YOU WANT!
Hasn't gotten out of bed since the surgery. Won't talk, won't walk, just lays there and groans.
I have to clarify the kids' behavior: this all happened when their dad had his liver transplant and severe post op infection. I was at the hospital for 3 weeks with the actual transplant and nearly 3 more with the infection. I missed ONE DAY, a day he had an endoscopy and he was going to be out of it all day. My BIL was in town and he "babysat"--told me to stay home. I lived at the hospital, he wanted me to sleep in his room, but his docs wouldn't allow it. So, he got angry and defensive and told tales on me, that I wasn't helping much.
Other than that, I was 24/7 his caregiver, zero outside help. DH complained to the kids b/c I would lay down during the day to catch some zzzz's b/c I had to be up every 3 hrs for vitals and meds and draining the drain "grenades". DH had a lot of amnesia resulting from being under anesthesia so much. Kids believes him, that I was doing nothing but sleeping---and I was just so tired and stressed, I didn't stand up for myself.
12years later I am a tougher cookie. They can "call me out" but if they are not boots on the ground HELPING, they have no say. Period. They can come spend a day with him.
Yes, I expect his depression will worsen, also the anxiety and anger. I'm just not in the mood to do it right now, I'm not acting more than 'professionally' invested in his care.
He will see his psych doc tomorrow, the cardio doc in a couple weeks. I daresay he will not have gotten out of bed yet. Docs can chew his behind about it, unless there is a reason he cannot get up, I don't know why he refuses. If he wants dinner tonight, he has to get up and sit at the table. Period.
He does not require outside caregiving. He should be up and actually able to work from home today---and he hasn't gotten up. Slept all day and woke up about 1/2 hour ago to watch a movie. It's the constant complaining of being short of breath and so weak that concern me a little. Going to go buy and 0-sat device and prove to him he is oxygenating.
Again--thank all of you SO MUCH for supporting me. Of course the story has 2 sides and his is probably that I am NOT being loving and fussing him 24/7. Well, been there many times, done that and I just....can't.