I have been married almost 2 years, and my husband and I together for 4. His mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's and the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. She lives with us. She lived with him before we were dating but did her own thing. , he fixes her meals, her bills and tells her when to take a bath, she doesn't even bother to try anymore. I feel like this is his doing also. He says he doesn't want her to struggle, but doesn't let her do things for herself, she used to do her own hair, clean her own room now he does it all, and constantly complains about it. He also gets upset with me if i tell him about things that she does or things that happen concerning her health. I feel like i am an outsider in their world. I also do not like being alone with her because right before Christmas she got a bad bruise on her hand (she bruises easy and gets them all the time) and when he asked her what happened she said i had done it by accident. The incident she claimed it happened was 3 days earlier and he was in the room. My husband says he believes me but i feel it shouldn't even be in question. I have 3 children who all moved out so it is just me, my husband and my mother in law. I feel alone and afraid. We can't go on vacation or trips without having to plan ahead for her, and when we are away it can only be a day or 2 and he has to call at least 3 times a day. I know i am sounding selfish, but i have taken care of my siblings, my children and i thought that i would get some of my life back when they moved out, i feel cheated out of the rest of my life, because now everything we do or plan for our future revolves around her.
How old is he? Is this his first marriage? How long has he lived with his mother?
Your feeling like an outsider to their world is because your are emotionally and he needs to transfer his primary attachment from her to you which may necessitate some marriage counseling for him to see the light.
My armchair guess on this is that he possibly one of those mom enmeshed men. That is a difficult change. Even if he will not go, it would benefit you to go.
Does his mother have the funds to afford paying for some caregivers? What are her health needs? How old is she?
Your suspicion that his ex wife left him because of his mother may well be correct given your current experience. I don't know what else to say since he want go to counseling with you and will not discuss reasonable changes for her care with you. Maybe someone will have and idea for you.
Good luck and keep in touch. Come vent here all you want.
Right now your mom-in-law probably could do things for herself, but your husband rather spoil her and do many things for her himself. Even with early Alzheimer's, my boss' wife was still helping to run their business. But there will come a time when his mother will be afraid or unable to take a bath/shower herself and unable to use the bathroom.... will your husband be helping her with that, or will he recruit you to help her?
Your husband needs to use some tough love with his Mother as long as she can still do things for herself. I would think she would be pretty bored just sitting around watching her son do all that work.... or is it a case where mom-in-law's ex or late husband use to do all that for her?
good luck.
When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Ph.D. Kenneth M. Adams Ph.D. (Author), Alexander P. Morgan (Contributor)
One of the things you would learn is that most dementia patients don't "lie" -- they tell the truth as they see it at a particular moment in time. Saying that a bruise was from an accident you caused was not a lie to get you in trouble. It is very, very hard, but the first tactic for keeping your sanity around a person with dementia is NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. You say your husband believes you. You have no reason to be afraid of interacting with MIL.
Another thing you will learn is that dementia -- all kinds of dementia -- gets worse over time. Parkinson's with Dementia (PDD) tends to progress faster than most cases of Alzheimer's. So MIL probably worse than she was when you got married, and there are things she can no longer do for herself.
Also you and your husband would learn (what you already suspect) that allowing and encouraging persons with dementia to do as much as they can for themselves is therapeutic. It is definitely not best practice to do everything for them. Distinguishing between what they can do and what they genuinely need help with takes practice and patience.
I think that knowing more about dementia and caregiving strategies to cope with it would help both of you. I also suggest joining a support group for people caring for those with dementia.
But there is more wrong here than lack of knowledge about dementia. It sounds like your marriage is on shaky grounds. If you had posted here before you moved in with them I suspect you would have received many cautions. You can't go back and change that now, but you can decide if/how you want to correct that mistake.
Congratulations on being in counselling! You are in a very hard spot and getting an objective third party to help you work things out is wise. It would be better yet to involve hubby, but that is not under your control.
Feeling an outsider in their world is not what you remarried for, right? Ask the famous Ann Lander's question. Are you better off with him or without him? Consult a lawyer to understand what your legal options are. Be sure your husband knows how serious this is to you. Don't accuse or threaten or belittle him. But do let him know about feeling like an outsider. Do let him know you are rethinking your marital status.
I hope everything works out for the best. Please keep us informed. We care.