Help! My Father-in-Law with Parkinson's and dementia is being mean.

Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. Contact his doctor and tell him what he is doing. Your husband needs to get court ordered power of attorney due to his fathers inability to pay the bills. I would move out and put Dad into a assisted living place. Your husband can pay out of your Dad's account. This is what we did. My husband's father had parkinsons and could no longer live alone after his wife passed away. He had to sell his property and move into a nice place where they cooked three meals a day and cleaned his efficiency...it was like an assisted living place where someone gave him his medications 4 times a day and helped him to and from the dining room. He was there for a a couple of years until his dementia became so bad he would get very scared not knowing where he was so we had to move him in with us and my husband got power of attorney to pay his doctor bills, etc. Sounds like the best solution for you all.

This assisted living place cost 1600 a month but that included the 3 meals a day and we hired a group to give him his medicines 4 times a day and take him back and forth to the dining room and give him baths 3 times a week for 800 a month, all which he paid for after the sell of his property. The nursing home will cost around 7000 a month or the VA nursing home is only 5000 a month. Once your Dad uses all his money on the nursing home then he can go free. The VA charges according to income and need to see the last two bank statements. Nursing homes look at income AND assets. But in order to go to a VA nursing home, of course he has to have been a Veteran. But either way your Dad needs to be in some sort of assisted living that can handle the meanness that is associated with dementia.

IF he was a Veteran, he would not have to sell his properties as they only look at monthly income and base the price on his income only if he goes to a VA nursing home. A nursing home will charge you 7 thousand a month and a assisted living place 1600 or a private home who will take care of him charges 2400 a month. Please check into these options. Dad lives with us now because he does not know where he is as his dementia has reached this place...if he were abusive or mean he would HAVE to go to a nursing home as I would NOT deal with abuse and the nursing home CAN.

The nightmare of dementia.

My mom has Lewy Body Disease which is a type of dementia often associated with Parkinson's so I know of what you speak. Although she is more of the martyr rather than control freak. Her dementia tends to have the pattern of all seems fine and then she has an episode in which she get super mean, very paranoid and see's animals - it's all real to her. Luckily she did DPOA & MPOA in 2000 before it set in. I'm the only child and independent of her so in that way for me it was easier than what you all will be facing since you live in "his" home.

IMHO the route to go is to get guardianship or conservatorship. What it's called depends on the state. It's sticky - you need to get an elder care attorney to do it for you as you will need to go in front of a judge to do this and to represent your interest. If you don't have your s*** together you could find dad get's a court appointed guardian, you absolutely don't want that.

What you can do is get the things needed so that you/your attorney can show dad's incapacity....lack of cognitive ability, decline in health. Letter from his MD's. Keep a log of his behavior especially when he is abusive.

For example, if he's refusing to pay bills, the statements that show late fees or letters from collection agencies. You need to have a list of all his assets and the expenses related to it. This is so the judge will sign off that you get $XYZ a month as guardian. You want to make sure it's enough as you DON"T want to have to go to the court often as it costs attorney's fees but also shows that you might not be capable of being guardian.

If you don't have money because dad controls all, that shouldn't be an issue as he has an estate with assets so there will be money eventually. Elder care attorney's totally get this part. Please don't go to just any attorney - you really need someone with elder care experience and certification if possible.

It sounds like he has alot of assets that have paperwork - property taxes, insruance, utiltites, maintenance, etc. You need to really do a 3 yr on all of these to figure out what his true worth is and the expenses. Also factor in the cost of his going into a long term care facility or 24/7 care at the home for expenses.

Question - what is your hubby's relationship with mom? Why the divorce after 40 years? Is there anything in the depositions with the divorce that show's that
he is abusive, unfit...whatever. You could use this in the court hearing too.

Now "mom" could also petition the court to be appointed guardian or conservator too. So think if that would ever happen & if so you all want to be a united front.

Are there any favorite nephews out there?

I bring this up as it's just amazing what happens when family smells money. Years ago I was names executrix for a "aunt"(actually a 3rd cousin with no kids) - I had no idea, we were not close, my mom & dad were not especially close to her either. Her estate was a spiderweb - closets with shoeboxes with "paperwork". She had what seemed to be alot of assets (not really) as she had multiple marriages and land from each one and for even more FUN didn't close out probate from when the DH's died. It took about two years to go thru everything and enter it on Quicken
so that we had a valid comprehensive history of her estate. On retrospec I realized why she picked me as I'm pretty OCD & in her view "married well" and when I accompanied my mom to her house, I would spend the time reading Agatha Christie and Margery Allinghan. Unknown to me, she was a huge mystery reader too. But I digress, my point is you need to look for everything financial as his care will get very expensive and you want to be able to do a transparent review of all his finances just in case extended family challenges you.

I still have cousins who are mad about "aunt" probate. Good luck.

What has happened in the last 2 motnhs, breathe? Are you making progress in resolving these difficult issues/

You say you can't get help because your fil has assets. That just means that in general people are expected to pay for their own services if they have income/asset levels that make that possible.

I don't know whether your controlling fil has always been "mean" (the fact that his wife left him raises questions) or if his behavior is the result of his dementia. I tend to be more sympathetic if the dementia has done this to him, but in either case you need not tolerate abuse. Juggling what he wants, what is actually best for him, and your own needs as a couple must be very challenging indeed.

Please let us know how you are doing.

My husband is very ill--mentally and physically. He has appointed his sister as executor of his will. He has put everything in a trust and has left me -- his wife of almost 40 years out of it. My aunt says I should divorce him now. But isn't it too late now that everything has been put in a trust? Also, will his his sister get 10 percent for being the executor or because all is in a trust -- left for my son--will the sister get nothing as executor?

Although it has been six years since the last question was asked (regarding divorcing a husband who left his wife “out of the trust”), it is an important question. Here is the answer, which is the same regardless of which state one lives: An estate trust (the trust referred to in question) is a trust that is used by people who want to protect and leave their assets to specific individuals under specific criteria, as commonly used in a “will”. Estate trusts (and any “will”) NEVER come into effect or become active until the person who set up the trust dies. In the case above, it was the husband, and only the husband, who set up the will. Therefore, NONE of his listed assets are protected by that trust as long as he is alive. In other words, the trust offers him no protection of his assets against a divorce.
As unfortunate and heart-breaking as this scenario is, I would strongly urge the woman to seek divorce so that she is not let in financial ruin. 40 years of marriage (or any length of faithful marriage) warrants she be taken care of after the husband dies. Period.