The above question is to encourage people who have not made plans for when they can no longer live alone, to start making those plans. This is way too much for one person. All I have done since my father was hospitalized is make phone calls and etc. to try to figure out what to do. As far as I know he has no savings and he needs full time care. I spoke with a friend of his today and they told he said I was working temporarily. So either the person used the wrong terminology or he thinks I'm going to quit my job once he goes home. I keep telling him he needs to go to a facility that will meet his every need. Meanwhile, when I went to visit him today, he kept looking at me mean, snapped at me when I asked questions and etc. I know all of this is frustrating for him but he does not treat everyone this way. I'm only trying to help him.
I refuse to let all of this fall on my child should I become unable to stay alone. It is too much! So I encourage you to make your plans if you have not already.
These miserable elders that try and ruin their adult and often elderly children's lives make me so angry.
Please stay in touch with YOUR reality. You need to work and support yourself. You will not put up with his verbal abuse.
If you haven't yet, please visit discharge planning, or just call them. Tell them Dad needs placement as you are not his caregiver. Not temporary. Not ANYTHING .
My mom, my dad, my brothers, me--we all planned and have plans in place for when we need care. None of us thought or think that our kids owe us caregiving.
Do NOT let the discharge planning folks guilt you for one second. Come here for ongoing support.
To be treated in a disrespectful way by trying to help should be the last straw.
As to the kids, they need to know their own limitations and EMBRACE them. They can't change their parents, but they can change their reactions to them in the case of taking on caregiving (or not).
It’s wonderful of you to help your dad in his time of need. Please remember your limitations regarding how much you can reasonably do for him. What you decide should be a choice, not an obligation. You don’t owe anyone everything that you have. There are limits.
Honestly, I had no idea how to set realistic boundaries with my parents.
I learned important skills through participating in therapy and from people who genuinely care on this forum. I relied on their experience to help me navigate through difficult times.
I wish you and your father all the best.
Thank you! I have realized my true limitations lately. I think he honestly expects me to be his full time caregiver. I'm not able to do this and I have said this to him but will talk to him again. What is so frustrating is that his family expects me to as well. There is ZERO respect for me and my job, my house duties, my pets and etc.
To spare my children, serious financial planning on my part is required, along with actively communicating with my state and federal political representatives the urgency of governmental funding for 'elder care'--our society, state of medical advance, and economics are at this moment in time. More/fair pay from the gov't. for family caregivers, or subsidizing families for professional caregivers. It's complex, and I'm thrilled that our current president has in fact been acknowledging and addressing this need!
The ONE THING that I am adding, and having notarized and gold plated is this:
Under no circumstances are ANY OF MY FAMILY to step up and take care of me in my dotage. No matter what. I want to go into care in the most expensive, lovely ALF that is a few blocks from where I live now.
All I ask is that they make sure somebody pluck my chin hairs. They don't have to visit. They don't have to meet ANY of my demands and they can do so without fear that they will feel ANY guilt whatsoever.
My SIL said that if physician assisted suicide is ever legal in our state (and it never will be) he will 'help me'.
Other than that---I just want them to love me now and respect me later.
Any love that my kids had for their gma has long since evaporated since she began abusing their dad. They've all asked, separately if they have to go to Gma's funeral. So sad.
l teared up just now when you wrote about chin hairs.
When my mother was in her final days in her ‘end of life’ care home, she asked me to please remove her chin hairs.
Why do we grow chin hairs as we age? They are bothersome.
I’ve been working on it for a few years now. I’m putting it all in writing, and my children are informed. Almost finished!
It’s good for my LOs and also good for me. It takes much of the uncertainty out of what’s ahead.