My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Also, comfort yourself by thinking of all those people in parallel circumstances who instead of posting have emailed their lover/boss/best friend and hit "reply all" by mistake...
Thank you
I have experienced your emotions, anger, and depression at the parents as well as at God for allowing such misery. Frankly, I think it hurts you more when you go through this as an adult than if you do as a child because you are more aware of the plight.
I have already been with what many of you are going through with your parents. Mine have now been diseased since the 1970's. I was a child caregiver with no support whatsoever financially, physically, mentally emotionally. Surprisingly, I made some pretty awesome decisions in helping my parents at home when I was of school age from elementary to highschool. I dare say I was pretty resililent. Depression and anger didn't set in until they were gone. The memories if their herendous suffering hurt me more than the responsibility. But, eventually I did overcome that, too.
Yes, you will need psychological help afterwards as well as for now.
You are only human and doing far more than most people could or would. Modern medicine is wonderful if it keeps people alive when they are healthy, but sometimes it interferes with what would have been a peaceful natural death. In this case that may be what happened.
Please don't beat yourself up for your feelings. I don't know what your spiritual background is, but you really are allowed human feelings and that includes your feelings about your father. Guilt isn't necessary.
We are thinking of you,
Carol
As far as it being wrong to wish someone would die, or as I believe, have a change of address, I don't think so. I knew and still know my husband now is in a wonderful place with our Lord Jesus. If I was unsure of that fact, it would be much different for me. Just know that when it is time for them to go, they will. In the mean time please try not to beat yourself up and feel guilty. God is not mad at you nor has He abandoned you. Just draw off His strength, and try to get some time for yourself. I made many many phone calls and accepted just about anybody's offer that I knew would be ok. And when you are there with him, grab every little positive nugget you can find. It might just be a smile or a laugh they show or do. What ever it might be, just hang on to those moments. You have to try to find those special moments. I really started reading my bible alot more. I don't know your faith, but if you've never picked one up before, now would be a great time to get to know Jesus. It will make a difference as you go through this time. I will be praying for you and know many more are doing the same i am sure. this is a wonderful site, and even though i don't jump in as much as i use to, it truly was a blessing while i was taking care of my darling husband before he got relocated. God Bless you johndublin
Wow! those are the words I could not find... I knew I'd been grieving but couldn't put words to it...
Thx!
I do hope you succeed in getting help, because this is your life too - you should be enjoying some happy moments, not just living in state of constant bitterness.
This topic popped up in my sidebar, even though I don't think there has been really any current discussion on it.
I have pasted the above link, gathered from a blog I have been following for years. The entire story gave me the shivers, and some of the comments were disturbing to say the least.
Right to die is probably a controversy that doesn't get discussed on a caregiver site. And thank- God it isn't something I have had to deal with.
I hope I never do. I know my mother is is pain, but nothing like this poor man describes.
If nothing else, this link might make you feel lucky, after you recover from the heartbreak of the situation. I know it did for me.
great observation about the damage dementia causes to relationships. my mom had an episode 4 years ago that put her in al for a few months and she had the whole family going 8 different directions and pitting one against the other. thankfully at some point we all scratched our heads and figured out that this was far more than irrational thinking -- this was by definition " insanity " .
and she wants angels. ill pay for the angels its a charitable deduction for me. lets get this s**t done, amen..
But which is worse. Her pushing me to the brink and screaming at her or her being treated like crap in a home.I love you momma. I walk the floor crying I love you momma I'm sorry momma. Yes I do believe that I've lost my mind
so i guess i am just doing this because...
well, it isn't money or property.
deep down i feel like by the time she is gone i will have really lost whatever it was my life was before.
i also don't really have any idea how i will react to the loss.
i don't think there are many of us who get our own counseling, and even fewer who have any interesting friends left. but maybe that is just me.
this harsh winter is sorta getting on top of me, maybe spring will bring some kind of relief.
depressed? i am not even sure if that word describes it anymore.
As far as friends, Facebook is my only connection.
Personally, I'm glad the winter is so bad because I don't want to go out. I dread the thought she 'll still be here in the Spring when I'll want to be out gardening and such. That may sound selfish but we're going into 5yrs. of her slowly sucking the life out of me.
I don't mean we're not entitled to feel like zombies. Days like these, when emptying commodes and setting out clean clothes are the highlights, are not what you'd call a boost to joie de vivre. And DTC, I know what you mean about 'depressed' just not covering it. There's a sort of suppressed scream of 'holy God how much more?' going on in the background. And in a way what makes it worse is that there is NOTHING to stop us saying 'ok, that's enough, bye now' and walking. Not the law. Not physics or geography. Only our own free will (and Jiminy Bloody Cricket).
I think what helps me, don't know how many others it applies to, is remembering that the frustration part, at least, feels similar to when my children were small. Especially when they were ill. Especially when they were all ill at the same time. It felt as if it would NEVER END - and now, of course, I wish it hadn't. And I wish I'd realised while it was happening that one year is only one year - you never get to do it again.
Of course it isn't the same. We're not progressing, we're diminishing - this is the soft landing we're aiming for, not the triumphant (yes, er, well) take-off. And all we have to look forward to is loss, not a cheering thought in itself. It's getting harder instead of easier, too. The feedback gets less and less. Meanwhile our outside world is forgetting us, or - worse - getting actively impatient with how long it's all taking.
Oh dear Lord, I'm depressing myself, now.
But, it will end. We know it will, even if we don't know when. Oh great I am as I type getting a heart flutter - and there I was thinking that after this caregiving life ends there'll be another chapter: ok, not necessarily for us, then! The point, though, is that while it's going on what's happening to us in not all the world, not even all of our own world. We can stretch, we can breathe, we can listen to music, we can write (we can come and write here, for a start). We can wait. We can choose to do each task that we're obliged to do anyway well, or not well. With care, or without. With love, or with resentment. There is satisfaction to be found if we look for it.
I am, I promise, not one for platitudes and positive thinking. They can only take you so far before you are forced to acknowledge that you are being ridiculous pretending there is any fun to be found in a given situation. But if the alternative is escalating rage and misery from boredom, exhaustion, frustration and isolation…? All I mean is, when you do stumble over a choice in daily life, choose the option that feels better.
I am going to go and make her some tea and toast. One slice with honey and one slice with peanut butter is a pain, because of the crumbs and the two knives and the stickiness… but that's what she likes. She'll be happy. She'd be happy with honey too… but she likes to have both. Dearest Mama, here I come. xxx