My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I think if things are that bad, it's time to get a buffer. It could be a carer, respite care, or a home. You shouldn't have to put your entire life on hold to be abused.
Or call the doc and say this person is miserable and tell them why. Maybe they need anti anxiety meds or a depression med? Not that a pill fixes everything, but it might help.
Put a respectable and respectful distance between you and her.. recreate , restore and further fortify your relationship boundaries , and then get/give some time for yourself to heal from the wounds of a rough time..... best regards..
I am barely making it by myself. The focus of my siblings is the care of my parents, particularly my mother. The woman is not well, but she has had more fancy vacations, trips, telephone calls and is a constant focus of attention of care and concern.
She offered to buy me a gift which is something I need and it is rather expensive. I told her that was very generous of her and I began to research prices, practically, etc.
When I told her I was just about ready to make the purchase, she expressed her concern that my siblings - who do a lot of nice things for her - would be mad at her if she bought an expensive gift for me.
All these people have so much more than I do. I am barely getting by. I did nothing t ask for this item. She offered it to me.
i just listened to a litany of my mother’s plans of what type of thrips she wishes to take in the future and that she is afraid if she buys me the gift she offered me my other siblings will not be so generous with her - because she shared some of what they gave her with me.
I never asked her for it. She offered. I have done a lot of research and was looking forward to receiving this important item. Now she is complaining that she is afraid to give me the money for it.
Afraid if her own children?’
I tell you this family is so disfunctional and she is the architect of it. I have a very strong feeling that few tears will be shed when she passes away.
It is just mean to say “I want to get you this”, then say - well maybe I shouldn’t.
She is also very generous with my nieces and nephews and her sister, my aunt. My siblings never say a word about it. Why she tortures me in this fashion I have no idea.
All I can say is it makes me feel very unloved and unappreciated.
When there is no love lost, there is really no loss when the person dies. The loss happened a long time ago.
I'm not sure what to say about your current issue. An offer made and then withdrawn... I can see how it would grate, particularly when the rest of the family's main problem is whether to go on the Caribbean cruise or the trip to Hawaii. I'm so sorry they're being kept awake like this, it must be a constant worry for them.🙄
But from your mother's point of view, I wouldn't be so quick to blame her. The gift would, inevitably, come to light (and why not, it's her money isn't it?) and she'd never hear the end of it, by the sound of things. It's not so much afraid of the children as dreading the fallout and their going on an on about it and lecturing her. Which they would, I suspect, don't you?
If she were the sort of woman who could tell them to mind their own business, if she wants to get this necessary item for her own daughter who are they to say her nay, it would be a bit different. But then if she were that sort of woman, she wouldn't be so dependent on her children's attention and approval, would she.
Do you mind my asking what the item is? Will you have any other means of getting hold of it?
I hang out n the dysfun fam thread. We share your pain of game-playing parent(s). ((((((hugs))))))
So what I prefer to do is to envision my mother's family coming to take her home with them. Like most people with Alzheimer's my mom fixates on the past and not on her present, so often she doesn't know who I am, or takes me for someone else and I just go along with that. But when I pray, I see a large family gathering that has everyone we grew up with that has passed on, and they are waiting for my mom to join them. And I tell her, it's okay to go with them. That one day we will all be together but it's okay for her to go first. I think one day she'll listen to me and feel secure that her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will be alright and be able to let go. She would never choose to live how she is living now, and she's actually in a very nice establishment. But it is not the life she would have
wanted for herself.
He's still hospitalized, can talk but most of the time it's nonsense and him bringing up one of his siblings that's passed decades ago. He's been moved around a couple times, has had to have mitts put on so he won't pull off his gown or pull out his feeding tube. They're waiting for him to be placed in a rehab facility now. I hear he could be moved to one in a few days. Basically a wash/rinse/repeat situation, which shows me that everyone else seems to be in denial about the situation. But, I'm not POA so really it's not my problem. I just have to trust that my mother will do what's best.
Meanwhile I'm finally moving out of my grands' house next month into my first place! I've gotten nothing but grief and guilt trips from my mom and grandmother about it. Mom picks fights with me a lot over nothing. My grandmother is saying it's a bad time because my grandad "will really need you when he gets home." And also she says she needs help, but she's been getting around pretty well lately. Something tells me she's gonna start hamming it up soon, but I'll be ready. I have to do what's best for me. I put in my time, blood, sweat and tears basically for the last 10 years since graduating college. It's way past time.
People in need will lay the guilt trip on those around them. Good for you that you see it and aren't going to take the bait.
You have done your share in the past and, if your granddad is that bad, your mom or grandma need to realize that his care level is beyond what the whole family can give. It's a hard lesson for them but they need to realize you can't force the "willing" family members to do all the work and sacrifice their lives (for possibly many more years). Will they be there for you when he finally passes and you have spent so much time on him that your career has suffered to the point of not being hirable? Don't think so.
It's called tough love. Good luck in your future endeavors.
As I close the care taking chapters of my life I'm reading these posts about people considering sharing space, becoming care givers with parents. I shudder at the nightmare ahead. I chose that option and it ruined my life. I left my own housing, and a job and the city I loved to move back home at the request of my mother to come "home and help" My dad was terminal and she was all alone so she reported.
It is a mistake to be in a vulnerable position in someone else's home when you don't have a job. Especially when that person has a history of pitting siblings against siblings and lying in a believable way. The woman called mother, that was a covert narcissist with extraordinary skill of creating hell in her victims lives, played on my compassion.
My career did not recover from quitting and going "home" and it wasn't "home" it was an emotionally abusive, dysfunctional hell. Long story short by the time my mother was done triangulating the siblings I ended up in a homeless shelter myself, unemployed and broken financially and emotionally.
Yes, I hoped she would die, not out of spite but to have the strings that tied me to the worst 10 years of my life cut. She did pass, I long thought she would outlive me because of the trauma impacts on my body of having to deal with her.
The day comes when it ends. Friends all told me I seemed freer and lighter and changed for the better as if a dark cloud was lifted off me within weeks of my mother's death
Her lingering presence although she could no longer lie and cause direct harm still impacted me and the rest of the shattered, scattered and broken family. (that was her doing)
The things you mourn when your caregiving was to a narcissist, the matriarch of dysfunction, are the fact you always were an orphan. Orphaned at birth, orphaned selectively in endless betrayals, orphaned by the Alzheimer's and in the end, when they leave, its only relief. The fight for sanity is a battle I don't have to fight anymore. There is only relief in that.
I completely understand what you are feeling. My mom will be 96 in 2 months and is in stage 6 Alzheimer's. She has had a headache daily for the last 7 years, about as long as she's had the dementia. She has been checked by multiple doctors with no reason for her pain.
She is in great health other than that but is not aware of most of her life except that her head hurts.
I will be sad but greatful when her suffering is over.
I have to wonder if there's a reason that our very old and infirm loved ones continue on...maybe not for them, but for us (although I can't figure out why now-maybe I'll see it after she's gone.)
Do what I do, Kill'em with kindness.
My 99 year old mom has dementia and anxiety disorder. She was unable to process that my dad had passed but had a small bit of understanding which has led to dementia grief loops of repetitive questions, panic and intense crying about every hour.
We were not prepared to stay with my parents long term and thought for sure my mom would pass shortly after my dad. The hospice nurse thought so too. But her fear of dying is strong, and fear is keeping her alive, oddly. She's fully immobile and the heart break of the dementia and extreme anxiety has created a difficult quality of life that I would surely not want. Her fear also expects someone to be talking with her or in eye shot of her at all times which is impossible day-to-day. As much as I love her dearly and have full compassion for her, I also feel stuck and depressed at times, and angry that her fear won't let her go be with Dad. At 99, I know this is a temporary journey but I still pray that the Lord will take her suddenly and peacefully in her sleep. Sometimes in the morning Im disappointed that He didn't answer my prayer. A facility is not an option at this point and hospice has been so helpful. But you're not alone in your feelings.
I was somewhat blah about Thanksgiving because I wasn't sure how having my grandfather in the rehab facility would be but it wasn't bad. There was an option for him to come home for a few hours but the nurses said family would have to be able to take care of him while he was out. He got visits that day instead. Not sure what will happen for Christmas. There's something about it that's sad especially when everyone else around acts like it will be the last time we could spend a holiday with them, as they do with most holidays, and I hope that everyone can just enjoy the day the best we can.
Every night I wake up around 1:30-2:00 AM and my mind starts. The worry, reliving the days events and the narcissistic digs and behaviors my mom dishes out, especially when my husband isn't around. I think of how that reminds me of how growing up my dad was the buffer, and I always hated when he had to leave for work and I was alone again with my mother.
I start feeling terrified about the future as her dementia will only progress. I start hoping she gets bad enough her personality will change into something else more tolerable to be around, then lay there knowing her seething narcissism has never gone away.
I lay there in mental agony then I start wishing she would die in her sleep and I could be spared this life of hell. Then I cry and feel guilty for even thinking such a thing, then I desperately want to go back to sleep. I want to take a xanax but don't want to fry my brain with daily and nightly use so I don't.... and the cycle repeats.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I don't even mean the caregiving, I mean being born to a mother who is a narcissist.
https://youtu.be/h7Ka67RHqxY. Name of woman doctor Dr Northrop I think. Expert on dealing with narcissists. I've had to listen to her Every day to guide me. I'm also on Meds... X.
"We've been mourning him so when he actually goes, which could be six months or it could be 10 years, we're more ready," Jane says. "I'm not going to lie to you, I pray every day that he goes because this is no quality of life. There is no dignity. And I don't say that lightly. Knowing my dad, he never would have wanted this."
www.chicagotribune.com/sports/hockey/blackhawks/ct-stan-mikita-blackhawks-spt-0615-20150614-story.html
komentaightor you said:
Dementia patients naturally retreat into their shells of what they can understand, so your mom's narcissism will look like it is increasing, while it is in fact normal behaviour of a dementia patient.
This is very interesting to me because I'm realizing my mom has been and is retreating into some kind of shell. All my attempts to help her socialize with others is falling flat, and she refuses to even consider going to a senior center to meet people. She just wants her old friends (mainly her best friend) but they are long distance now since she had to move to be by me. It's really sad and in so many ways I feel bad. That life long old feeling of "I must fix it" is so strong, still!
My mom can still live independently in her condo, with some help from me next door. But her days are filled with her putting around, taking long periods of time to do each task. She has rituals, and still gets up, makes her bed, takes her shower, fixes her hair, puts on make-up, gets some breakfast. And she can spend the entire day inside, seeing nobody (except me and my husband). It's just so strange for me to see her this way. Prior she was VERY social and outgoing with a very low tolerance for boredom.
Not sure where I am going with this....
It's also important to acknowledge that while all the advice is general, and free, and unlimited, in the end every case is different. For you, you will have to accept that while your mom is apparently coping, inside she is slowly turning in ever decreasing circles. It is pointless to try to slow this down or to encourage her to meet other people.
My own gregarious friend who is now at a fairly late stage of Alzheimer's (but is not crazy during her brief lucid spells) was adamant ten years ago about keeping her illness secret - she was ashamed of it. Throughout the decade, her personality and mood changes were quite bizarre but always in the direction of shutting out any person whom she did not already know or who was not her immediate neighbour. She made a huge fuss of sending Christmas cards and birthday cards to close family, even when I had everything ready for her to write a small message. Thinking about other people was too much for her. This after having been one of the kindest and most generous people of my acquaintance.
Her shell is now her residence home, and I have become one of the nameless people who turn up from time to time to "take her somewhere" - normally just down to the coffee bar for a proper cuppa. She even refused to go downstairs to the Christmas bazaar last December, preferring to sit and watch while a new inmate was walking around shouting at people. The inmate she was seeing every day, so the shouting was "normal", but getting into the lift to go somewhere off her floor was scary, and she would not go. In 2017 she had loved the fair.,
So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you. Try to go to bed with just the light of candles for the last 10 minutes before you sleep. It's very soothing. And think only of your husband or your friends in the last 30 minutes before nodding off.
Good luck.
"So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you."
was somehow so reassuring to me because it's almost as if I need some kind of permission to create that emotional distance, which I surely do need. Understanding she won't notice is key, because it alleviates the guilt.
I think it's all part of the acceptance and understanding of what is happening. For example, I will be sitting in my condo consumed with worry/guilt thinking that she is in her condo bored and sad and lonely, and getting angry at me for not being there. Then later come to find she was content (I think anyway) putting around and watching Judge Judy on TV (her favorite show). My mom has always been OCD about keeping her place "perfect". So what used to take her 30 mins to organize/clean/whatever now takes many hours but she still does it. And then she must watch Judge Judy.
Similar to making her bed and doing her make-up. It's like a ritual. She will spend hours to accomplish the task even if she isn't leaving the condo all day and seeing nobody.
BUT (there is always a but) that is just part of the picture. Other days/times her mood swings rapidly and she gets mean and nasty and will just glare at me as if I should be doing something.... but WHAT? The other day she criticized me in a very condescending tone for spending too much time with my husband. I ignored it, but really?? It's rare for me to go more than a day and not spend at least 2-3 hours with her either at her place or mine, plus dinners. I guarantee she would prefer that I was single at age 56 so I could be her "partner" so to speak.
Anyway I have gotten off the topic of this thread so sorry about that, just wanted to say your comments have been helpful. I need to understand things in the way you describe. You seem very wise on this stuff.