My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
My fil is a very selfish man he’s 93 and in better health than me or my husband combined.
He made a few poor choices the last 2 years, one leaving the hospital against doctors ordered, thus making the medical staff question his mental state. Doctors suggested he be tested for his driving plus a few other issues. Needless to say he failed his test miserably. Since his wife died five years ago we have done most of his paperwork, I did cook for him for 4 and a half years till he got mad at me and told me to to get out of his house. Which I haven’t been back since. Like your parent, he complains about anything and everything. I told my husband that he should be complaining about himself. He doesn’t like anything or anyone either.
I decided I can’t deal with toxic people anymore. I don’t do a thing for him anymore.
My husband do that much like he used to
Have u thought about assisted living that can give you some peace. You need to step back from this chaos to regain some peace. The one thing I learned from all of this is I will not rely on my kids. My husband and I are going in a home in about 5 years. We both have diseases for which there is no cure.
I pray that this passage in your life changes. We all deserve peace. God bless
Death is a natural progression of life; it waits for no one.
I am a firm believer in letting nature take its course. I believe this is consistent with my religious beliefs as well.
Last year I lost my job, watched my dog pass away and my grandfather got into a car accident after sneaking out the house to take a drive in his car on a rainy night. I didn't even flinch when I got the call. I was angry he survived. Since then, I've had to drive everywhere for groceries, weekly fast food and whatever crap my grandmother sees on sale. Things changed when I started working again. My mom and I split the grocery shopping, usually doing grocery pickup. Also, I put my foot down and asked that my grandfather stay at home, because having him wander off like a toddler while pushing a heavy basket was too much.
I honestly do not want anything when they pass, just my freedom. I'm grateful for what they've done for me, but I have to live my life. Some of our relatives are planning my grandfather's 90th bday in a few months, but I'm secretly hoping we won't get that far. I would rather have my grandmother go first though, as she's nerve-wracking, selfish and will lie on us if she doesn't get her way. She's constantly yelling for me to turn off her oxygen (she's had blood clots and has shortness of breath) and for other BS. I'm also tired of being embarassed of all the clutter in the house and not having much help to get rid of it. My grandfather was hospitalized a few weeks ago with strep and pnuemonia, once again I hoped he wouldn't come home. There's a PT coming in to help with his balance, and I hope it turns into some permanent home health care for both of them.
I've been able to maintain a bit of a social life, as I can go out when they sleep. Somehow, I have a boyfriend of 3 years who has been so patient, as he was taking care of his grandmother until her passing last month. I feel guilty because he willingly did everything for her and would do it all again, so I don't tell him my frustrations anymore. We have discussed moving in together. He's concerned my grandparents will be upset, but I have to do what's best for me. They have sucked the life out of me, and I would like to function as a normal adult for once in my life. I take anxiety and depression meds and have a therapist, who has said years ago that I started grieving early, hence my anger, frustration and sadness with everything. I think I am just finally coming to terms with it.
If your grandparents have so much money that your mother is hoping to inherit some, then maybe they should be in assisting living or long term care. Does anyone have durable and medical POA for each of them?
You have been walked all over. Heavens! - I notice that you just gloss over that you were left to be raised by your grandparents, your mother waltzed back in twenty years ago and finally condescended to get involved... Like that's not even an issue? What, busy, was she? But if you're letting it pass, I'll let it pass. I expect there were good explanations at the time.
And where was the support when you got hit by that triple whammy? Still, it's a great credit to you that regardless you have picked yourself up, found a new job and what sounds like a very nice partner. You're doing better than a lot of people who don't have any family responsibilities, you know. It's hugely impressive.
Two questions:
1. What are you waiting for? Your grandparents can be cared for perfectly well by other people; plus moving out is not the same as saying "I don't love or care about you any more." There is nothing to stop you moving home and at the same time developing a new, different relationship with these people whose status in your life you fully recognise. Go ahead!
2. How do you feel about being someone who wishes the people she looks after would die? You describe your situation so openly and in such a practical way that I'm sure you'd never let these feelings affect how you treat them; that's not what bothers me, you clearly have a good strong grip on it. It's that I can't believe this is how you want to remember your relationship with grandparents you love. Get yourself out from under, and it may be possible to recover some of how things used to be.
My sister and I talked many times about how much easier it would be if Mom would just pass away, but I continued to make sure she was cared for. At first I felt like I would go to hell, so to speak if I verbalized what I was feeling and thinking, but my sister is a safe place to express my feelings in the moment.
Now, Mom is wheelchair bound, and has had "hundreds" of mini strokes. It's been a year now since she quit smoking, but it's too late. The damage is done.
Mom has alzheimer's, and her cognitive thinking isn't really there anymore. She says very little and struggles to find the words when she wants to say something. I'm thankful she isn't the way she used to be.
My therapy to get through the difficult times is my blog. I blog daily. It's to keep my siblings up to date on my parents, and it's a place to leave my thoughts when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Let's hope they find a cure soon.
Since the government pays for most nursing home patients, you would think it would be of utmost importance to keep all of us baby boomers in our right minds!
Then it is remotely possible that relations with your husband might improve; or at least you would be able to work out a different equation for looking after him as he is probably feeling very sorry for himself right now and resenting any attention you give to your mother.
I don't know exactly what kind of care your daughter needs, because I don't know what a TBI is, but if the two of you were free of your mother's presence, you might be able to work out a schedule for spending time with her dad, your husband that would relieve you of looking after him for a bit.
The grocery and other chores are sadly often seen as part of being a mum, but do get in paid help with housework and looking after the yard.
Please find a good friend or work colleague, sit down with her over coffee and try out on her all and any tips you are picking up from this thread, and get some action going. At least get a plan. Even if there is no residential care option available to your just now for your mother, at least get paid help or a local communitiy social worker to stay with her for one day a week, so that you have more time to rest and relax;
Good luck. For me, full time residential care was the answer for my feisty friend with Alzheimer's. Gave me my life back.
He had to have emergency eye surgery recently after a doc appointment. He's fine but had several bottles of drops that have to be given daily. My granny does it mainly except for nighttime as she goes to bed early, so I sometimes have to do the last couple bottles. I've noticed he's got his days and nights mixed up now which happens because he sleeps so much. I often have to remind him he doesn't need to go get the paper at 9pm. I've started writing down these occurences.
It also seems like everyone seeing my grandfather recently has made folks realize that he will not be here forever. Partly because of age, but also because he is wasting away. He was never heavyset, but he had a nice weight on him and now he doesn't. Turns out, my grandmother has pretty much stopped cooking...for him. She will fix herself food and snacks, but doesn't care to do much more than that. He is used to breakfast/coffee and a home cooked meal, and is very picky about anything that isn't a meaty meal. She now wakes up 11am or later as if to skip breakfast. My mom and her siblings are frustrated because they believe she is intentionally starving him out, due to a situation many many decades ago with my grandfather's ex-wife claiming a kid was his (it wasn't.) which happened early in their marriage. My grandmother is still bitter about it, and may have this mentality of "He did me wrong and everyone takes up for him, so he can starve to death for all I care."
I can't be here all the time so I don't always know what goes on until someone else tells me. Family brought over food for them over the weekend which my granny helped herself to. Yesterday when I asked, she told me he had eaten, also told my aunt that I fixed him a plate...I didn't. My grandfather confirmed what I already knew, but didn't want to eat when I offered to make a plate. Granny will try to spin it by mentioning how much he sleeps and making it seem like he's just not eating. She also tries to act forgetful about when he's eaten and quickly plays victim about how tired she is then starts saying she doesn't feel well, which she really started hamming up more starting on his 90th bday when everyone would ask how she was.
So now we have to make sure he eats since she doesn't. Just this afternoon my mom called the house to check on them and my granny played victim again. So she asked if I could bring my grandfather something, so I did. Didn't get my granny anything since she told us she's been snacking all day and "He never snacked like I do." I just said, that doesn't mean he shouldn't eat and went on about my business. I tried to do Meals on Wheels for them, but wouldn't you know the people told me that they don't deliver in our area?? We're in a suburb in a large metropolitan city, ridiculous. So I've been trying to find other alternatives. We buy them microwave meals as well, but my grandfather can be picky.
My sanity levels are better than they were. I'm sure that's due to me doing a huge purging of things in my room and creating a more tidy, organized and zen space. I take time to meditate, pray, etc. I also highly recommend a Himalayan salt lamp around the home or in your personal space if you don't have. I got one and have been sleeping better ever since.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "A man can work from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done!" ?
I'm afraid the household duties last until you don't. Thankfully, for those of us who work AND keep house, we can retire from work. The dust, however, will still be waiting.
Taken at face value granny may have just found it too much to prepare something for him when he just turns up his nose at it. Maybe she has just had enough and feels he can just get on with it. Does she cook a full healthy meal or does she just grab and snack.
Perhaps grandpa is entering the last stages of his life and this is just part of the natural progression of the circle of life.
Do either of them see a Dr regularly.
There is probably some depression going on here too.
Granny may indeed not be feeling very well and certainly wants others to recognize that. She probably isn't eating very healthily either. Is Dad the one that gets all the attention?
Complex situation but not really unusual. it could be possible payback time for the possible child his ex had but more likely a lifetime of hurts and slights and she jsut does not want to deal with him anymore.
All I think the family can do is bring meals you know he would like and make sure he eats them while you are there and for the time being monitor the situation.
We don't really hope for anyone's demise, it's just our brain's way of giving us the break that we need.
I think it's a biological response. A mental or emotional vacation, when unable to take the endlessly recommended "respite". ☯️
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