My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Take care of your own social life, your physical health, your emotional health and your spiritual health! Set some boundaries with your parents and live!
Several people here are married and have healthy boundaries with their life as a couple and their life as a caregiver for parents.
Some are married, but issues from their childhood are now threatening the well being of their marriage as people have unresolved issues either with their dad or with their mom.
This is particularly true of women and their moms as well as sometimes with their dads. A few men seem to be more emotionally married to their moms than to their wives..
Some men have been dominated by their dads or by their moms and their marriage is on the rocks.
Some are taking care of spouses and some are widows.
Some women here have been emotionally controlled by their moms and are searching for their moms to be the loving mother that they never were which ends in disappointment and often divorce. A few of these turn around and blame their mom for the divorce. Others have gained insight into their mistakes and are living with the consequences while warning others not to fall into the same mistakes.
Some who are here and divorced are divorced for completely other reasons.
Some are trying to save their marriage from the damaging impact of their MIL or FIL with various degrees of success. Others are loosing the battle because their spouse can not or will not stand up to mom or to dad and gain their freedom.
Some are building a new life as they date once again.
Some here are divorced for various reasons.
Some are single because their mother never let them date because they don't want to loose their son or their daughter. This is particularly true of parents who have lost a spouse to death. This is true of both women and men who have written on this site.
One consistent theme that I have seen is the result of unhealthy parenting of sons or daughters which place emotional buttons in them as children which are pushed later in adult life by their parent's emotional blackmail via FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is like they go on auto pilot and loose any awareness of what they are sacrificing in their parent's call for caregiving. They were raised by parents with unhealthy boundaries and never learned healthy boundaries themselves which is understandable for they are emotionally enmeshed with their parent. It is like an emotional time bomb that just goes off in their head one day and they abandon everything and then cleave to their parents until death do they part.
I've probably left out some things and might sound cynical, but this is my perception and awareness of the marital status of people that I've met or have described their spouses and their marriage on this site.
I realize many caregivers haven't had a really positive relationship with their parent, and know it's got to be harder for them to provide the seemingly endless care and support that's required by the parent/loved one. I think many of us have wondered and even wished for the process to end. It's not a horrible thing to acknowledge that feeling. Hope it helps to know that others have felt the same.
One note: To forgive helps you and doesn't mean that you forget. It simply means that you have let go of the pain that they have caused you. Something to consider if you seek counseling.
If you can make peace with your parents before they die, that's good for you (I'm not worried about them). But if you can't, then you can't. Take care of yourself. Carol
Thanks everyone for the insightful comments!
Carol
Now that I am 64, my mom is still living. Our youth (I had a sister and brother, both younger then me) was purely and simply disgusting. We couldn't do anything good, were punished for the least, she asked all the attention, and we had to bow and follow her. If someone has dementia, or brain disease, you can understand that. But this was not the case. But she hated my father due to something he had done while being a boy of 16 years, and she had only found out after the marriage. Therefore, we were evil !! We did not deserve any nice toys. Birthdays were never celebrated. For Santa, we got cloths, the cheapest or second hand, although my father worked every day, overtime and weekend jobs, so there was no lack of money. On the contrary. She also worked 40 hrs a week or more. And although I was only 9 / 10 years, I had to care of my brother and sister. Well sorry to say, but I sincerely hope that here days are counted and that very shortly we will be able to breath openly. And I certainly will not miss her. When my dad died, I have cried, many many tears, and still do. But when my mom will close her eyes I think that together with my brother and sister, we will have a good lunch, with fine wine. So don't be ashamed. It is time to think of yourself and enjoy life as much as possible. You deserve it ! Wish you much strength and warm huggs from Belgium. Nicole
So, currently, I believe in any state, you have to be divorced for 5 years before can claim anything for yourself. In other words, I am still responsible for him and all his bills for 5 years after the divorce, So we can rule out divorce at this point.
Next, yes, I can keep my house, my car and my personal belongings and, here is the kicker, I get only $ 50,000. for the rest of my life to live on- not $ 50,000 a year- $ 50,000 for possibly the next 20 years! So in reality you cannot afford to live in your house and pay your bills, taxes, insurance and on and on. So it ends up that you are forced to sell your house and guess what? Our state just passed a law that if you sell your house, you get to keep not one cent. The government in WI has now the right to take all your profit for the Alzheimer patient ( my husband) and so then the community spouse ( me) is forced to move into a rooming house, or anything dirt cheap so you can live on the measly money they give you, If you live another 15 years and try to live on the $ 50,000. they give you, you can use only $ 3,300 or it per year, if you want it to last 15 years. I have no pension. I get $ 760;/mo. social security. and that's it! I always like to explain to people who say, " Oh, you get to keep your house!" Yes, but who give you the money to pay the taxes, insurance and all the other bills you get when you own a house. It can't be done.
Thanks for your response, but getting back to the first basic question of wishing your spouse would die- I have to say " Yes". If he doesn't, which it looks like he won't as he is fairly young and physically healthy, due to his
$ 100,000 per year assisted living costs, diapers, meds etc. in 4 years I am toast! KM1027