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thoughts are not right or wrong, nor bad or good. They are. You are okay for having them.
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Reply to Miasmom1
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I am new to this site i thought i was losing my mind and my cousin was worried and sent me a link, it is such a relief that so many others feel the same way i do.I thought for sure i was a evil person to wish my mother would pass away. I have even tried to end my own life so i would stop wishing for hers to end. my mother is a stroke patient who is left with Aphasia also other health problems who was very cruel to me growing up two years ago i had no choice but to take her in because no nursing home would take her with her mental illness. she is totally dependant on me. her daily routine is wake up watch t.v color her coloring book eat 3 meals aday when she isnt doing that she is on the potty for hours at a time because of her medicine i am trapped with her she is like a child cries and whines constantly i have a 16 year old who i cant enjoy my last years of his teenage years because of her. so help me i pray the same prayer every night and every morning she is still here and I see no end to this nightmare
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Reply to ocd1976
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I think Miasmom is right on. It is the hardest thing anyone can go through at a time you should be enjoying life, what should be the best time of life.I think it must be so much worse for a child who had a rough childhood because of their parents and then have to go through this with them. It is a living hell when you love them as I do my husband; I can't imagine what it is like for you.
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Reply to Photoartc
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Ocd, that's a sad story - and if you were to take your own life then what happens to mom? The state takes over. There should be a way to make that happen before you are at the brink of suicide. Geropsychiatric evaluation placement might be a start. Maybe there is a day program she'd fit in at. You need a break, before you break and can't be fixed! Check again with your area agency on aging or DHS and tell them what you've told us. If she is miserable with you then giving up your life and your children's well-being for her isn't a good bargain in any way shape or form, and there has got to be some alternative. Maybe she would be happier and more tolerable with some medication for depression or anxiety too. I hope there is help to be found, and soon!
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Reply to vstefans
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I too, see the similarity between so many moms whose kids have posted here. I will be the first to say that I would not judge anyone for how they choose to facilitate their parent's care. I just wanted to share a lighter tidbit that happened to me during my mother's declining years. She too was quite narcissitic and negative, often becoming violent in her dementia including biting and kicking caregivers and saying some very mean things. For a very long time, she could hold it together and be nice in public and we at home received the brunt of the negativity so those outside the family continued to say how sweet she was. (We tried both having her live in a facility and live at home. Ultimately she died at home). She said some very mean things to me and one day I decided I had had enough and when she said something, I turned to her and said "Mom, what you just said really hurt me". She was able to hear that and actually turn things around and say she was sorry for having done that. That was a very special moment that I remember to this day in the midst of all the not so pleasant memories. Just suggesting something you might try to put a bright spot in the day. May not work for you but may be worth a try.
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Reply to euniflick
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We love our mom, but the truth is, a person can live too long, but it depends on the person and the quality of their lives. Mom is almost 100 and physically very healthy. We do almost everything for her to maintain her finances, apt, shopping, etc. She does nothing to help herself, including bathe, which she won't. She has always been restless and dissatisfied and complaining has always been her only hobby. She has enough money to live in a nice place, have entertainment, good food, friends, etc but she has no interest in anything (and never did) She is just plain boring, always has been. Meds don't help and she won't help herself. Now she has dementia and the person she was is totally gone. Yes, we hope that this will not drag out for years and that when the end comes, she goes in her sleep. I can't imagine her behavior and frantic panic if some day she becomes bedridden or physically helpless.
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Reply to AmyGrace
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I am facing a change in mother who is nearly 102 and very healthy physically. She has had paranoia for a while and it has become steadily worse the past 6-9 months to the point where her life is unmanageable. Without effective meds she will not be able to stay in her ALF and she won't take the meds... They have been so good but there comes a point... She is now in a geriatric psychiatric hospital, she is certified and they are concealing meds in her juice - so far without effect. When she is released she will be under a Community Treatment Order so they can administer the meds whether she likes it or not. - like an Assisted Outpatient Treatment in the US. They are looking for suitable placements pending the results of testing for function and psychological issues The last few months have been horrendous with daily phone calls and accusations. I cant go through that again, I am 76 and the stress is affecting my health.
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Reply to golden23
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They take a while, don't they, Emjo, or so I'm told? Hope you're getting a breather in the meantime x
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Emjo I would want to be sure she is drinking all that juice. Do they have time to stand over her while she drinks the whole glass. Your Mum is still very agile and can easily get to a sink. She is also smart enough and paranoid enough to know that she would not be locked up without being given medications. After all she has been through this before.
Really sorry to add to your worries but after two weeks I think there should be some improvement. I have never been the guest of a psychiatric institution but i doubt dispensing drugs is very different from a regular hospital. Your Mum would recognise a drug cart when she sees ot hears one,they rattle. ideally one would add the meds to a small amount of juice have the patient swallow that then provide another glass of juice for the pt to drink at their leisure. Won't work with Mum she is too sharp. but does she fool the medication nurse. She can still put on a good front can't she? it is possible that a medication nurse is not part of the regular team on Mum's floor therefor does not know her. She/he may dispense medications on several floors as their primary job. They check the room # the patient's wrist band and ask their name and DOB and then give out whatever is in the patients compartment on the drug cart following the instructions as to how it needs to be given. In Mum's case juice, other people apple sauce ,pudding etc, it can't for instance just be put on the breakfast tray for an Aide to deliver. Again i am sorry Emjo but i think you should raise this possibility with the Dr. CM is right thes meds do take a while to be effective but 2 weeks is usually enough. Again ask the Dr how long it usually take for them to begin to see effects. Hugs you need them
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Reply to Veronica91
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cm - we saw some effect pretty quickly last time - did not do away with the paranoia but she was calmer and less bothered by it

totally agree Veronica

I already asked the social worker if they have observed that she is drinking the juice. She said she didn't know and I should bring it up when I see them Tuesday. This is not rocket science. Mother is sharp.

Just called and talked to the nurse on the unit and she says mother is not drinking her juice, so that is the answer. The nurse said she is paranoid from time to time, and the main thing is she does not want to go back to her apartment.

My question is why does she not want to go back? My answer is because she is paranoid about it. She is not paranoid from time to time - it is ongoing.

I already mentioned the possibility that mother was not drinking her juice to the social worker who called earlier this morning and who says mother is quite paranoid. I agree. The social worker says to bring it up at the meeting so I will. I received a form in the mail, dated a week after admission, which states that mother is deluded and exhibits cognitive impairments which are affecting her ability to understand the benefit and consequences of psychiatric treatment. The social worker says they likely will not do psychological testing until the antipsychotic has taken affect as the paranoia affects her cognition. It seems we are on a merry go round here.

As long as they don't release her without treatment they can keep her as long as they want to. I notice she is only a "formal patient" (certified) till March 6th. I will ask about that too, as, at this rate, she won't be ready for testing for a while till they figure out how to get the drug into her. I know they can extend her stay. It takes the signatures of two doctors - the ones who have been caring for her. Oh well. The gears move slowly and they have other patients to deal with.
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Reply to golden23
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Oh here is your update Emjo, I knew I must have missed it before! I am so not surprised she figured out it is in the juice - she is a sharp cookie indeed. I wonder if they could instead crush it up blended into a pudding? Or just tell her there's a new pill to take for some other condition she has?
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Reply to Starrysky
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Don't feel guilty. It's only natural to feel this way.
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Reply to Jujube
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I have a dear friend who has dementia, although I am an elderly woman, she thinks I just had a baby. I know she is not happy, if I had my way she would die tonight.
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Reply to Mollie90
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Mollie your feelings and love for your friend are very natural. When someone has dementia they often make unlikely assumptions but the kindest thing is not to argue or try to correct. She will get much comfort from your presence even if she seems not to recognize you, on some level she will realize that you mean a great deal to her. Of course you wish she could be released from her suffering and she will be when it is her time. If you are a believer prayers for her to go home to the Lord will help you cope.Waiting for a loved one to pass is more difficult than the grief that must follow Blessings.
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Reply to Veronica91
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Do you think it would help if I got her a baby doll?
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Reply to Mollie90
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It is very difficult to decide on that. At this late stage if may confuse her and make her anxious about caring for an infant ask the nurses if they think this would be helpful. Another idea is a very soft stuffed animal she can cuddle or a small light weight lap robe or shawl that she can feel or have round her shoulders. She may be confusing you with a grand daughter who she remembers giving birth. When she raises it just agree with her then change the subject and talk of everyday things or read to her. The news paper or favorite books, poetry if that is an interest. Play favorite music quietly. Let her talk about everything she wants to if she can. If she seems to be in pain ask her caregivers for help. Think of the way you would want to be treated if you were the one dying and try to follow those instincts. You are a wonderful friend. Be Blessed
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Reply to Veronica91
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I've been wishing it all week.. LOL
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Reply to assandache7
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Well, I've been following the replies to this question from its beginning. This week my mom went into the hospital and returned home with more medications to manage and additional doctors for me to make appointments for and drive her to see. For a couple days I dared to dream that her time had come at long last. But my life in caregiver purgatory continues with no end in sight. At the same time she was in hospital, my best friend's father finally died after lingering for years under his family's in-home care. My friend admitted her elation and I confessed my envy. I cried with self pity all the way home. I spent one last evening enjoying my home in uninterrupted solitude before bringing mom home the next day. The brief possibility of the end of 9 years of care giving was just a cruel joke.
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Reply to magdalena
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To Veronica, my friend is not dying, physically she is very healthy but thanks for the suggestions. I don't drive so I don't see her very often, talking on the phone is impossible, she will just say"I can't hear you."
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Reply to Mollie90
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It is very hard for you Mollie. Can you send her notes and cards maybe poems she can read herself or have someone read to her. Many people become unhappy in their later years as physical and mental ailments make their worlds smaller. You are a good friend to be so caring. i hope your friend soon finds peace. Blessings to you both
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Reply to Veronica91
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Ohiodaughter, I understand your pain and frustration. You summarized it perfectly - dementia is the gift that keeps on and on giving. My mother also has dementia, but has been unhappy, depressed, miserable for the past 20 years. She is in great health, but her only focus is how bad she feels, her bowels and that's about it. I can't help wondering if she will live to be 105 and still be healthy in body and have no mind left except enough will to struggle against everything we try to do for her. We don't wish for her death, but, I pray to God that when the time comes she just goes to sleep peacefully. I can't imagine the h*** my sister and I will have to bear if she actually becomes ill or physically incapacitated. She absolutely refuses to accept the fact she needs help now and does everything she is told not to do. (Not that this is anything new, as she has always been that way, but now worse) You can't reason with dementia patients.
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Reply to AmyGrace
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God forgive me, but anymore I am praying for it! She needs to be out of her misery and I need to I am sure get mental help for the rest of my life!
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Reply to Stressed52
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I have been my mothers husbands caregiver now for two years. He has had a problem with his heart at first about 5 or 6 years ago he got a pace maker which helped so much. But in the mean time he developed Dementia and has really gone down over the past two years. Its hard to handle this person that looks like the person you know and love, because they turn so mean and say things to hurt your feelings as much as they can. They become nasty creatures as well, wont shower or clean themselves and wont let any one else do it either. He eats like a slob and laughs about being a slob. talks nasty to people he doesnt even know. we where at post office the other day and I ran in to check mail, gone no more then 2 min but could see him through window. He put his window down and called this older woman getting out of her car "A HORSES A**' she was not very happy with him at all. I ran out to see what he had done to her and before I could say any thing to her he called her a "FAT A**' boy that really put the icing on the cake. I didn't know weather I should talk to her and smooth things over or get him out of there before he had a chance to say any thing else.. He is something else. I cant allow any one to come to house because of this problem. I feel like sometimes he does these things to cause a problem. I'm at my wits end with his words and his mean ways, he is now in the advanced, final stages of this dementia what can I do? I feel like i'm loosing it. And on top of all my mothers doctor has just ordered test for her, he thinks she has DEMENTIA . This is a bad bad crazy sickness that I have ever seen.
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Reply to Ccgiver
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Ccgiver, I am so sorry, I know it's a serious issue, but I'm LMAO! I can't help myself... I know it was an older lady and she probably wasn't thrilled, but had he done that to me I would have bent over, wiggled my ass and said 'Why don't you KISS my big, fat, horse's a**, sweetheart' and I would have smiled at him and laughed about it. I know he's not very PC, but I found the way you described that scenario hilarious.

....at the same time remembering how I'd cringe when my mom called one of the aides 'fat' all the time...

I think some elderly don't really know what they're saying, but others sure do. I think some of them have a good time with it. Now, being old, they can get away with telling the whole damn world it's one big, fat horse's ass and everyone in it, too.
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Reply to StandingAlone
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Its something we all have or will go through when taking care of our parents with DEMENTIA. Don't feel bad and guilty. What I have done is tell myself over and over that the person inside that body is the one I love and care so much about, not this nasty , bitter, jealousy acting monster. Sorry to say but yes they become a monster that's out of control and they don't care. I ask myself what will happen when he does pass and im not upset.. then will I be thought of as a non caring monster after all the time of good care, love stress etc that I had invested in trying to help a loved one. Any one caregiving for parents or whom ever with DEMENTIA will truly understand. I feel for you in my heart because the feelings of wonting them to die come daily the closer to the edge they get.
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Reply to Ccgiver
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I Know how hard this is my Mom has dementia too! She was having some difficulty before my Father passed away. Not even two weeks after his death she had a heart attack. WE could not leave her alone, she was NOT eating and was just so sad and lonely. She is now living in a lovely senior housing complex. It is independent senior living, they receive one meal a day in the dining room and weekly housekeeping. My concern is that she wants to sleep all the time! I honestly believe she would not get up if I did not encourage her. She has days when she is up and seems to do fairly well then we have days when she wants to just stay in bed. Does anyone know if this is part of the dementia??? I am somewhat at wit's end. I DO NOT want to put her in a nursing home however I am just not sure what else to do... Please let me know if you have experienced this with your loved one... thank you
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Reply to Jaye
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Jay, mom may have dementia, but she for sure has depression and/or grief, that can either look like dementia or make dementia worse. Did they have a grief group or anything for her after Dad passed on? Lovely senior housing is a good thing, but hey, she lost her sweetie and her home, and those are big losses to adjust to. It's sure a good thing she has you to encourage and cheer her on! It may be that some medication and/ort a good support group could help. Maybe see if you can get a psychology eval for her.
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Reply to vstefans
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He is 93, a pervert who leers and flirts at me, (granddaughter) is making my mother insane, angry, and physically sick, he only complains of everything he is asked to do for his own safety and health, has absolutely no wish to use even basic hygiene. And he has been in our house for five years now. He is in nursing care, getting "better", so mom can have him come back here...again...He can't die soon enough for me...I have run out of the moral compunction to even feel bad wishing someone would die...What else is there? He will grow up, go off to college, meet someone, start a new life?... No, it is the end, the drawn out, medicalized, useless, painful, aggravating, wasting of the flesh and mind End of life stage, that is increased yearly by Western Medicine and it's absolute terror of the NATURAL PROCESS OF DYING! You know, being alive may very well be better than being dead, but at some point.... That stops being true on EVERY LEVEL!
Concept: "A fate worse than death..." Yes, this does exist...In spades!
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Reply to Jsomebody
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Jsomebody you have summed it up perfectly. Your anger is more than justified. Now is the time to take action while the monster is out of the house. Your Mom does not have to take him back nor does she have the responsibility for finding another place for him to live. Stand behind her and support her with all your might she is going to need it and is so close biologically to the monster she will feel very guilty about what needs to be done. Go with her to see the social worker at the facility where he is and tell them she is no longer able to care for him and describe in detail his perverted attitude and he has to be permanently barred from Mom's home. He is a danger to her little grandchildren. What will happen is that his care will be taken over by the State and you mom will have absolutely no control over his future treatment. His assets will be seized, if any to provide for his care. be prepared for a lot of bullying from the social workers, nurses and drs but they can;t just "send' him home he probably needs to be in a psychiatric facility. your Mom is too close to this to do it alone so really needs your help so are you prepared to "put your money where your mouth is" if I remember it is your little ones your mother watches so think of it as protecting their innocence as well as helping your Mom. please come back and let us know how things go
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Reply to Veronica91
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I am the granddaughter, 43, no children here, but Thank You for your support and vehemence Veronica! J
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Reply to Jsomebody
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