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Do you have a back yard? Why not let mom move into an elder cottage on your property? This has become a significant option in recent years! www.ElderCottages.com
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disgustedtoo May 2019
Maybe an idea, however... I suspect mom would be in the house all the time, not her "cottage." Plus, who gets to pay for this? There is the cost of the cottage, getting approval from the town and increase in taxes....
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My mom did the same, I drove 1400 miles round trip 2-3 times a year to visit & I left early in tears because she got so nasty. Then I did the stupid thing & gave in & moved her I. My husband & I argue like we never did before, over Moms attitude. My mom remains manipulative, nasty & selfish. It’s got to be about her. I’m looking for LTC, my marriage & life are important, not the constant!! My husband too said he’d deal with it but he hasn’t. Please do what’s best for you, I wish I would have! Hugs!
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disgustedtoo May 2019
Yeah, it's easy to think it won't be bad and it can work, but in reality unless a parent is one of those likable, easy going people, more often than not this is a mistake, one that can be difficult to remedy once implemented.

My parents and mom's sisters families took in my grandmother, but she was so easy to care for - no trouble whatsoever and they took turns, maybe several months at a time. The parents and siblings were also much younger, maybe 50s? Many of us are older than that, some into their own retirement with limited finances, etc.
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No. She won’t. In fact it will get worse if you let her live with you because you will enforce that it works and she’ll apply pressure to get more of what she wants.

I’m finding our parents, who were at one time hopefully good parents, become like children as they get older and we, the caretakers have to apply wisdom when necessary. Just as our parents didn’t let us eat too many sweets for spoiling our dinners and ruining our teeth, we also need to use wisdom and not cave when they are requesting things that will also cause dire consequences.

Too much sugar equals rotten teeth and a dentist visit with a co-pay and out of pocket fees. Manipulative parent in the home? Far more is to be lost like tense home life, strained marriage, loss of boundaries, stress and emotional pain that’s leads to mental pain and physical repercussions.

KEEP HER OUT YOUR HOUSE.
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I am so glad I did not have children. If this is what my kid’s answers are, than my heart would be broken in a thousand pieces.
Hopefully these are just cases of the apple did not fall far from the tree.
And yes my parents were far from perfect but I still took care of them.
They did not have to give me guilt trips to try to get my attention.
Omg, I will have to get off this site because it is more toxic than helpful.
God help us, if we don’t even have compassion for our own parents, never mind the world we are living
in today. Family up!
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lealonnie1 May 2019
In case you haven't been here long enough to realize, 99% of us ARE taking care of our parents......and coming here to vent and hopefully find support instead of turning to a bottle of pills or booze or a gun to cope with the harsh reality. We really need a Not Helpful button for those people who feel the need to heap even MORE guilt and negativity upon us than we are already enduring. Speaking of toxic, your comment wins the internet today, congratulations.
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Don't give in to the manipulation. If you do, it will get worse. She's been given the choices and it's NOT LIVING WITH YOU! Call APS and tell them she's treatened to swallow a bunch of pills!!!!
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corinna May 2019
What is APS?
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She won’t change. Don’t let her move in. You are not responsible for her actions.
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Get her a counselor and take her to the visit(s). Let the counselor know what she threatened with the pills.
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Wow OP thats crazy....

I've had it with my Dad in the past. Talk of "ending it all", "no-one will miss me" etc. As I've said before, hes had a good few fake hospital admissions too.

Worse mistake I ever made was a few years ago. He'd been ill (but not that bad) over xmas. He'd come to our house (i.e. I drove 30 mins to pick him up, bring him back, take him home afterwards) for xmas day (was well enough to eat his dinner!)

I took him home later and he laid it on - "wasn't going to make it till the GP opened after the holidays", "was going to call an ambulance", "couldn't breathe and had chest pains". I spent hours with him - all the while my kids were sat at home wondering where their Dad was to play with them on xmas day (I saw my 4 year old for about 30 mins that day).

Of course, he was fine. Wife wasn't happy. Kids hadn't seen me all day. Regret ever letting him do that to me.
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Momsgoto;

No, you are not alone. MANY people are in the same or similar situations. It is comforting knowing it isn't YOU who is the problem!!!

I agree with most of the responses saying no way to moving in.

I also agree with cutting back on contact/visits AND having mom come to stay/visit. That last option is one that can backfire easily. She can use it for more blackmail (see, I stayed here and was no problem!) or perhaps come up with a faux illness, requiring a longer stay! If she's ill or recuperating from a medical condition, perhaps live at HER place, but it would be best to avoid both situations. Since you are working, either someone comes in or she needs to be in a place that can care for her while she recuperates. THOSE are her choices.

Our mom was early 90s living in her own condo when dementia crept in. Initially it was okay, but over a short time I had to take over finances (making mistakes), then take the car (OH, that was a biggie!) I would visit/take her shopping, etc (1.5 hour away), sometimes on my way home from work (slight detour), but was laid off so it became more difficult to do! I also tried making meals for her, as I realized that despite buying food to prepare meals, she was relying on frozen dinners too (couldn't remember she had food or how to prepare it.)

The original plan was to bring in help. She didn't need help with day-to-day ADLs, but I wanted some oversight and to get her used to having people come in. It was 1 hr/day, as a sanity check and to ensure she took her meds from the timed dispenser. We let her think Medicare paid for this (they do cover some care, but it has to include personal care and she refused that.) After a few months she refused to let them in.

Time to look for a safe place - no way for me to take her in, for many reasons, including that I would not be able to put up with her 24/7! Brothers learned how much it costs and said Hey, I could do this for that kind of money! No they could not. BAD idea, but thankfully it never went any further than that.

My recommendation, stated above - reduce the calls/contact. Calls every day may be okay, but not if it is a long protracted conversation, and not if she starts the guilt trips! Cut the duration, frequency and certainly cut her off if she starts what you don't want to deal with. Many excuses can be used - Oops, pot's boiling over, gotta run! Oh no, my battery is almost dead, will call you later! Get creative!

While I realize it's a long commute to her place, can you break up the visits to maybe less time but twice/week? Or just cut the length of the one visit down? Does she really need 5-6 hours of help/care? Working full-time gets in the way of trying multiple visits, but if it's anywhere near your current commute, shorter, more frequent visits, if necessary, might be better... I would sometimes stop by during my commute, when I was still working. I also did not call every day. We had neighbors in the condo area who would be in touch if they felt the need was there.

Is it possible to arrange the outside help to come when you are there? If it's a weekend, it will cost more, but if you are there, she will find it hard to refuse to let them in or throw them out, especially if you say you've hired them to help YOU! Let them do laundry and some meal prep. Shouldn't take 5+ hrs to do, so leave when they leave. Take a load off your visits! Consider meals on wheels.

As for cajoling you to move in - simplest answer is No. If you to, say 'I've said no and no means NO!' If she continues to harangue you, just sit/stand and look at her - no response. If need be, leave (if on the phone, find excuse to hang up and DO IT!)

I'm wouldn't offer the "move closer", unless it's AL. But, what's to stop her from walking to your place? Moving closer can mean less stress on you because less time, however it means she CAN demand more of your time!

Final suggestion - NO GUILT! You're doing what you feel is best and NO ONE needs to be brow beaten!
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Once a manipulator always a manipulator. We moved my mom in the house with us thinking the plan was for her to go to senior day care, Found an excellent program and she refused to go.
Everyday is a guilt trip about how bad her life is.
Finding her a place near you would be a good option. Don’t give up your time with kids and grandkids.
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Lostinva May 2019
I tried the senior day care. She didn’t like one & the other they told her she couldn’t come back because she wasn’t independent. She sometimes needs help getting up & they said they can’t provide the assistance, they need to be independent. So, that ended that. Calling Monday to see if they have somewhere for her, she needs to get out while awaiting placement in long term care. Complains consistently! Now if I took her shopping & out to lunch every day, she’d be happy. The other day I did that & hauled the w/c in & out 6 times! It kills me!!! I think they’d rather complain than be part of a solution.
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One thing can help and that is to have a caregiver start arriving there with you a couple of times. She will connect with her if the caregiver is a sweet person. Your Mom will see her helping you and listening to Mom’s problems, etc, and talking to her. That is an old “trick” but it works most times. Your Mom needs to be bathed more than once per week and other things too. Parents say they never want to move in or be a burden but most of the time, to avoid a nursing home and a regimented schedule, they will start pulling on you and manipulating you. A large percentage become selfish and no longer care if it is tearing up the life of the adult child. I forced caregivers onto my parents. Dad was trying to do everything for my mother and she became bedridden and he would call and say she had fallen out of the bed. So out the door I went over and over. It got so out of hand that I met a private caregiver at their house that would bathe Mom and make her meals and did not give them the choice. Daddy sure got use to that fast. He was wearing down. Mom ended up in nursing home a year later. Too many problems at home. It is sad but we do the best we can. Don’t start the live in business though if she is not a pleasant person. It won’t work.
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DO NOT move in with your mom or permit your manipulative mom to move in with you.  That is yet more stress and strife -- an emotional disaster -- waiting to happen for all concerned.

You need to take better care of YOU. 

Do consider giving your mother a different option. 

If your mom owns her own home outright -- no mortgage or rent -- that may well be something she is unwilling to give up; however, if she had a potentially better alternative, she might be more willing to consider selling her home and moving nearer to you without moving in with you.

One option to consider is to begin looking for an assisted living situation for your mom, perhaps in the same town in which you live or at least closer -- somewhere where she would have a private room but where others would do the cooking and cleaning and laundry for her and even dispense her meds.  She wouldn't be as lonely because she'd be required to interact with others her own age and in her same situation if only as she goes to meals. 

Assisted living facilities usually offer transportation to and from medical appointments and often provide for weekly shopping trips.  Hopefully, your mom could get involved in some activity the assisted living home offers -- exercise classes, arts/crafts classes, bingo, field trips, etc. 

The two of you could share a meal once weekly -- at your home or in a restaurant --  but she'd have her own life and you and your husband could better enjoy yours -- and with you having less travel time and her making new friends, you might find visiting her less stressful and actually want to make more trips to see her.

Check for state agencies that serve the needs of the elderly.  You might also check with the social services office at a nearby county hospital or your local Department of Family and Children's Services as to where to begin your search.
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corinna: The OPs mom threatened to kill herself and that's why I said APS (Adult Protective Services) needs to be called! Good grief - that situation is WAAAAAAAY out of control. Let the experts step in.

Thank you my2cents.
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Jannner Jun 2019
A narcissist says that to make you feel guilty and control you, not because they are actually suicidal . My mother has been holding that over my head for 50 years, since I was 15. I think the first time was because I didn’t want to be in a school club she wanted me to join. If it works, they’ll use it, no matter how off the wall it seems to sane people.
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First of all, one last time.....sit her down and tell her about your age, your job, your needs and limitations, etc. Make sure she listens and gets it into her head - whether she likes it or not. Point out HER lack of cooperation, etc. and that you will not, under any circumstances, have her visit or live with you - IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU PHYSICALLY WITH THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU LEAD. Tell her she has TWO CHOICES: She accepts outside help if she wants to remain where she is or you will place her into assisted living. She will get mad but be prepared to stop the outburst at once - tell her to stop and if she doesn't get up and leave at once. Do not keep doing all that you do, slowly start backing off with fewer hours and visits. She wants to control you and it will destroy you. Do not let that happen. YOU are the boss of YOUR LIFE. Let her know that in no uncertain terms.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
I second exactly what Riley2166 says!!!!
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How many years has she been manipulating? Yep, yesterday, the millions of days before that. Unlikely to stop tomorrow. Not sure if you're dealing with a dementia situation, because the way I see it, that makes it a little different because they don't get what they are doing. But, if not, and she is aware, then boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Easy to say and difficult to do sometimes. But, necessary. Take care of yourself, as you're no good to anyone else if you don't.
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keepingup May 2019
Two excellent points. The manipulation will never stop. And you have no choice but to set boundaries. Thank you, lynnm12.
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Your words " she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing" are prophetic. You deserve to have a good life on your own. You are already doing good things for your mom. Allowing her to visit you means her stay could end up lasting longer and longer until you realize she has been with you several months. I know the beaten puppy look when you enforce your boundaries, but keep to them for your own sanity. She has refused outside help and threatens to kill herself because of your actions? That is not the stuff a good living arrangement starts with. Her demands and guilt trips are unlikely to improve if she is living with you. Stick to your guns, keep the routine you currently have. If she gets to the point she needs more, move her closer but not in.
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NYDaughterInLaw May 2019
"She has refused outside help and threatens to kill herself because of your actions? That is not the stuff a good living arrangement starts with." So right!!!
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Be a broken record and stand your ground. Although you did not say so directly, I suspect there are some serious reasons for you to not want her to move in and tear your family apart. Clearly she is very manipulative, especially with the threat of saving her medicines and killing herself.

Seek out a GOOD therapist who can help you and support you in your decisions! No one, not even a parent, has the right to make these demands and threats. A therapist will help you reach a good place where you can accept whatever she chooses to do.

Your main focus needs to remain keeping your family intact and not living under a constant cloud of guilt. That constant cloud of guilt can be very emotionally damaging to you and your family.

If you need to walk away completely in order to maintain your own health, then do so! You have offered some good options, and she has refused them - that is her decision, and she needs to learn to live with those decisions.
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