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I have not read this entire thread yet (I will), but I feel compelled to stop here and say that a person who threatens suicide is considered a threat to herself and you have an obligation to report. If you know her doctor, I would suggest you start there. They will probably guide you as to what to do next. Suicide threats should never be taken lightly, even if they are made manipulatively. Best wishes to you!
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PandabearAUS May 2019
Rubbish. This old bird is too selfish to do it
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My dad did this, so I became the bad cop and my brother the good cop. I made him go to the IL, but brother helped him find one and encouraged the move. When he fell and had to go on hospice and nursing home care, the doctors made him, he had no choice. Now his mind is about gone, delusions, hallucinations much of the time, he's legally blind and almost deaf, and he's bedridden. I'm still the bad person, but I can live with it because I got him the care he needs.

Put the decision on the doctor if you feel guilty. Tell the doctor what YOU need to happen. Most doctors are very good about doing what the family needs.
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Harpcat May 2019
I’m curious how he qualified for hospice?
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Don’t you dare take her in. Your life as you know it now will be as a 24/7 caregiver to an abusive mother. You will never get to see your grandchild. & you will have a resentful husband. & you will resent her & be angry...Please look for ALF for her. You are not there to entertain her or be her caregiver.. You may advocate for her and check up on her..that’s it! 🤗 hugs
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GeminiUnicorn May 2019
What CaregiverL said!!!  I never thought possible to resent and be angry the way I was towards my own mother...but that's what almost 2 years of caregiving to a parent in your own home will do to you!  Not saying everyone is like that, but if your parent doesn't seem to cooperate in any or all situations...that's where the glass will break.  You may think "Why am I so upset over this?!"...that's what burn out does.

Keep your foot down! Yes to advocating, and making sure they are safe...No to moving in!
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I am in my early 60's and I, too, became a grandma this past year. It is the best! And it has definitely changed my priorities. My dad lives here in town so I don't have the miles between us like you do. I am his guardian and so I am wrapped up in his care constantly. Luckily for me, after about 6 months of pushing, he finally let care come in and has found that he loves it. They spoil him, clean his house, cook him meals, and take him everywhere. We've had caregivers for about a year. They come every day for 6 hours and then I spend a few hours with him every Saturday afternoon. This whole thing has definitely taken a toll on my marriage and is a constant source of argument because my Saturday's are taken with dad. I work full time and it has greatly limited my availability to spend time doing things with my family on the weekends. I would urge you NOT to bring your mother to live with you. It will definitely take a toll on your marriage. The biggest thing I have had to do is SET BOUNDARIES. You have to do this to keep your sanity. Don't feel bad if your mom lays guilt trips on you. I have had to learn to let those go a long time ago. I guess you could say I do a bit of 'tough love'. If I didn't, he would run all over me. He gets very controlling and bossy. My dad says a lot of stuff and other people freak out but I know he doesn't mean it and he would never hurt himself. He is only seeking attention. This has gotten a lot better since we have brought care in. He is now at the point where he should be in assisted living and that's another battle because he refuses to move. I have gone to a counselor for many years and she has taught me 3 things: 1) You have to set boundaries; 2) It's ok to say 'no'; 3) The needs of yourself and your family come first. I have had to live by this although sometimes my own family gets pushed to the side. Now that I am a grandma, my granddaughter absolutely comes first. We help our kids however we can and see them a couple times a week. The minute this whole thing with dad becomes too much and gets in the way of my granddaughter's needs, the guardianship goes. Set your priorities!
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Harpcat May 2019
Do not let this take a toll on your marriage. Your dad will survive if you want a Saturday t do something with the fame or your spouse. He’s not going to keel over. Hire a sitter if it makes you feel better. We only get one life and only so many hours on this planet. Don’t regret. Your dad has had his life with his spouse.
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Stop being so available. So she says she is going to save up her sleeping pills and kill herself? No she won’t She’s too selfish for that. Besides, do you know how many of those you have to take these days to make that work? Tons. Stop seeing her so much and hold fast on the accept home help and move closer plan. You have a grandchild now. Enjoy this time in your life. The woman is 93 for goodness sake. You should point that out to her. She should be grateful she is so fit Tell her you’re not getting any younger and you are shifting your priorities it never ceases to amaze me the amount of guilt people on this forum place on themselves. Get out from under her thumb and go live your life. Your mother has had hers and them some
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I feel your pain - I've had my mom living with me for almost 3 years now. She's 92, is very independent, can drive, cook, etc. but the signs of getting older and more dependent are becoming very apparent. She does almost solely rely on me and then can be a real "pill" at times and a very difficult person to love/respect. Lately she caused a rift between her son (my brother) and he no longer keeps in touch. He was the one respite I had that would actually come pick her up so that I could get a break. She recently is staying with her life-long friend in a smaller town and they have lots of help from friends, neighbors, etc. helping out. It gave me time to myself to gain some perspective and realize I CANNOT do it ALL! My other brother took what was left of her money she had from selling the family home. I've been suffering from stress related illnesses/skin issues/sleep issues and feeling exhausted. Since she's been gone a month I'm almost back to feeling normal, happy, and getting to spend time with friends. I'm single/work FT, and have a home to take care of. That in itself is a lot of responsibility - throw in a cantankerous 92 year old and the fact that I too am almost 60 is a disaster. I told her over the phone if she wants to come back she is going to have to find some assistance. I actually do not want to leave her alone as now she leaves the burner/stove on at times, and even one time the water running in the kitchen sink! Sometimes you just have to get off the guilt merry go round and put yourself first. And your family if you are lucky enough to have a hubby/kids/grandkids. I don't have all of that but I have hobbies, interests, friends I enjoy. Good luck to you!
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PandabearAUS May 2019
Take her to one of your brothers. Why are you expected to do it because you are the daughter
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Yes. My father went through all his money and I just knew he thought he would move in with me. I told him “ there is no way you will ever live under my roof”. Ta Dah. Rude awakening for a selfish man and a life long gambler.
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Momsgoto, look at the responses here. We are unanimous from what I read. Don't. I am an only child (son) of my 93 Y.O. mom. She is in AL after two attempts to have her live with us. No good, don't do it. My wife and I are 72 and in good health. Mom is in excellent physical shape and could out live me. That is a legitimate concern so I have spent the last year making sure her funding will be sufficient till she dies. She is in a nice AL facility and I keep track of her finances and her care. These things are my responsibility, not that she plays the victim when I visit. I would NEVER attempt to have her live with us again. Don't do it.
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Wow! Erm. Your mum is 93. Where's the compassion? I am not saying she should live with you but there are ways and means of achieving best outcomes. Of course she is lonely. The world becomes smaller the older you get. A little kindness?
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Momsgoto May 2019
i could not give you the litany of mean, terrible, selfish and hurtful things she has done to me for years. But suffice it to say it was my kindness that has opened me up to the guilt and manipulation. That she dishes out to me. She has even called me an easy Mark because she knows I am susceptible to her tactics.
It is not unkind to want my own life with my husband and grandchild. I would def be willing to share my life with her but it has been proven out over years that she is unwilling to accept sharing. She wants it all! If you have no experience with dealing with a person like this you really can’t comprehend the level of deviousness. She has been grooming me all of my life. My husband still has a hard time understanding my codependency. Until she pulls yet another amazing and totally hateful stunt. Kindness has many facets. At this point, my offer to help her as a nearby caregiver IS kind. And it offers me and my family the protection we need and deserve.
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Hi, Welcome to hell. Im 60, only child and mom just move from Florida to Mass..........even in florida it wasnt a pretty situation. EVERYTHING that went wrong in the state of florida was my fault, because I was not there. Now that she is 1500 miles closer- 2 miles from my house, Every dam day its something-and its up to me to fix it for her NOW, IMMEDIATELY! She is in a beautiful apartment, 2400.00 plus utilities ( her income is $ 1500- do the math)
The "house money" is HERS for "her old age". She is 91. Im out at least $1400 a month from my pocket. The only money she spends is groceries. That is my penalty for not having her live with me- ask her, she will tell you that! I have less than 10K left to my name- I work 70 hrs a week to cut the nut and my insurance.
Her favorite subject is everything I do not do for her. I hire help, she fires help. She tells people I "stuffed her in a rat hole WITH RATS- and has accused me for putting her in an illegal apartment...all to get her way into my home. She too, threatens to " take every pill in the GD house" , but ask to take her out to dinner, the answer is NO! "why , your conscious bother you?"
Nasty- fowl -negative, thats every word from her mouth. She F's everything! Been this way my entire 60 years . ABSOLUTELY HATES my husband and my daughter, yet my son walk on water. he has nothing to do with her at all. Neither my husband or daughter has set eyes on her since she moved her 11 months ago. Its just me.

Just a few weeks back on one of her rants she looked at me and said "if you had dumped him (my husband) 25 years ago, you might have made something out of yourself." And I turned around and said, that is exactly why you have your own apartment! And I left.

So by telling you all this, I think you have an idea where I am going with my reply to you......NO! DO NOT have her live with you, if you do move her closer, be prepared for a short chain around your neck- you wont have to be worried about being at the end of your rope- it will now become a chain. Im married 40 years in October, my husband will die for me- BUT I wont put that on him, in any way.

My mother is healthier than me, despite being 340 pound! 91, obese and arthritis, needs cheater for the new paper. THATS IT! Yes she says she is a diabetic, and then totally ignores it and takes no meds or meal precautions. She is on Vits and 81mg aspirin. is NAKED 24/7 and will b*tch if she has to put clothes on, constantly complaining about being cold and accusing apt owners for controlling her heat. 88 degrees at all times.
Ive got stents (5) and a one new valve already. First TIA's and one minor stroke- I have been lucky. I have another evaluation coming up in June, which I already can feel the need for more surgery. She will blame my entire family for this.
Easter was a blow out- when I went to visit, Screaming crying why are you here, you dont care about me- disappointed Im still alive? get the F out.....Im standing there with flowers and a dinner. Which she said was probably poison flowers or food. I lasted about 20 minutes. I couldnt take anymore. Told her to her face, your too much for me today, and left. Do you think she would learn, naaaaaaaaaaaa.

Mother Day will be another one and then June.....look what they have done to you!

if you mom goes into a hospital again, tell them to put her in a rehab for recovery, dont ask, TELL and dont hold back with the truth. They are professionals, they know. THAT came from my doctors, not hers.

Your gut is telling you no, listen to yourself, no more second guessing. Mind control by a narcissist. They are not lonely, they have driven other from their life by their attitudes, and chose the word lonely instead of the truth. I wasted 60 years on my mom, trying to find that mother daughter thing-its just not there, yet my daughter and I have evolved so easily. This is their choice, their path. We cant fix unhappy and they wont even try. Trust me xoxox
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Davina May 2019
I'd give up completely--sounds awful! You already gave....
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First of all, I would ask all of you to stop using the term "nursing home". For your parents, this conjours up the image of sitting in the hall by the nurses station drooling down your face. I recommend substituting "senior apartment or community", "rehab facility", etc. My mom was in assisted living in her own apartment with her furniture. She had a kitchen or could partake in community dining. A nurse came by daily with meds, someone picked up laundry once a week, and, if needed, an aide came by to assist with baths. she wore a Lifeline necklace to summon immediate help. There was another level for those with severe memory problems, if it came to that. She had church services, a beauty shop and senior outings/activities if she wanted. Bottom line is she loved it there! This was five years ago and cost $2900 a month. Take your mom to visit a senior center near you (one with fairly active adults) and explain how it would be easier to visit her there more often.
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disgustedtoo May 2019
I agree that people should avoid the "nursing home" recommendations and mention it often. NH is for people who need specialized nursing care. IL, AL or MC places are NOT the same as nursing homes and many are quite nice. Years ago the options were much more limited, but given the aging population and increasing numbers of those with cognitive issues, many new places have opened up.

Too many of our current "elders", especially those in the upper 80s-90s think of care places as nursing homes and have a distaste for them. Despite AL being in mom's plans, and often checking out places, when the dementia kicked in, her attitude changed. She didn't need it and would never live in one of those places! Her self-image was certainly impacted by the dementia. When the time came (she refused to let the help come in after a few months, and it wasn't really even help at that point, just some oversight and getting her used to them), she was adamant she wouldn't move, so we had to come up with a ruse to get her to reluctantly agree. She now fluctuates between wanting out and saying the place is nice, she doesn't have to do anything, etc. This is year three.

For those who feel a person needs to be in AL or MC, perhaps taking them to visit places can help. Often you can get a tour and a free meal, then they can see for themselves that the place is like having an apartment, but it comes with all kinds of help!
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Well for starters you could say nothing when she mentions moving in with you. You can just give her a look like "We've already discussed this mother. Now stop bringing it up."
Then when she goes for the guilt trip card ask her when she became a travel agent for those. Your tired of hearing it and you don't need it from her.
As to being lonely, why hasn't she looked into going to her local senior center for sociable activities with others her age? Or moving to an independent living facility with other seniors closer to you? They'll feed her way better things than just frozen dinners.
Let her know what you told us here; you've already raised your kids and you don't see the need to raise her! Since she's refusing outside help, stop sending people to her and tell her she's on her own since she can bath, cook and do laundry by herself anyways. Then visit only when you feel you want to. She'll change course real quick after that.
Ask her and tell her those things and see what she says. She may need to rethink how she approaches you. And you may need to rethink how you handle those approaches with a good therapist.
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Kittybee May 2019
100% agree with this!
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Sometimes I read these posts and think they're mine. If your mom is mentally healthy you shouldn't have to visit her so often. Do you have any siblings who can help? I actually sent my mom, who has Alzheimer's, to live with my sister and she has created so much drama, but it allows me some free time.
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Honey, listen to Loopyloo's advice. It's good. Don't stop seeing your Mom, I'm sure she looks forward to those visits. You sound like a very caring and giving daughter, and you're respecting your mom.
You have NOTHING to fill guilty about. Please don't move her into your home, you and your husband don't want this, and that's perfectly ok. I would still encourage her to move closer to you though,(would save some wear and tear on you) and the best thing for your mom's lonelyness. Maybe then some of her grown grandkids can help out too.
Hugs to you, and stand your ground! God bless you.💕
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It sounds from your posting that the problem is not deciding whether to have her move in with you. You made that decision a long time ago for several excellent reasons. The problem is the emotional wear and tear you receive from her behavior.

She continues to do it because there's something "rewarding" about it for her. Maybe she really believes she'll eventually wear you down and get her way. I suspect there's more to it, because if that's all it was, after 9 years she'd have given up. Sadly, it sounds more toxic than that. She seems to enjoy hurting you. She gets a little thrill from it. That's the "reward" that keeps the cycle going.

No reasoning or logic given to her will stop the cycle. The only thing that will is to change the reward to a penalty. Making it so it isn't fun for her anymore to keep up with her guilt tripping.

It seems like you might need some support with this situation. Can you find a counselor who can help you navigate this toxicity and maybe come up with new ideas for how to respond?

You say you're tired. Of course you are! Nobody can endure all that and not be. Can you take a short break? Maybe tell her you won't be available to call her for a few days, then don't call her for 2 days and do some things you really enjoy. Spend time with your grandchild! Do a hobby you haven't been able to! Do pleasurable things for you.

When you call her, the guilt tripping will be severe, but you knew that and it's nothing you haven't experienced before.

And one last thing, if you aren't affected by her tripping, of you're like a smooth surface that the hooks she throws at you just slide off, it will be better all around. That's why I suggest a counselor. It might help you step out of the cycle that is so exhausting for you and rewarding for her.

Good luck. You deserve better.
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anonymous432569 May 2019
Excellent information
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The short answer is 'no', she will never stop the manipulation. DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOME! She, unfortunately, cannot come to visit for an extended period of time because your home is 'undergoing renovations', or, pick another reason of your choice. In fact, you may want to put an idea into HER head; that you and your husband are looking into downsizing and moving into a ONE BEDROOM apartment soon. Then, collect a few brochures of local Assisted Living Facilities and give mother a choice of which one she'd like to move into. Otherwise, you can only offer her X amount of time per week or per month due to the fact that you already have TOO much on your plate and only have so much time left over. You can always be truthful with her, explaining that the visits are too emotionally draining on you, and it's taking a toll on YOUR health to keep up these visits. The suicide threats are pure BS designed to be hurtful, and I'd mention that to her as well. My mother pulls the same stunt with me and I always call her out on it. Emotional blackmail is NOT ok, mother, and you are hurting your elderly daughter so cut it out. I like to remind my mother that she has to play nice with me, otherwise I'm leaving her room, or hanging up the phone, and I'll call or visit when and if she's in a better mood. You know what? It's NOT okay to be used as a doormat and a whipping post and it's okay to let these women know that!

Best of luck, I'm sorry you're facing such a tough situation my friend.
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You've received so much support here. I don't know if I could add anything.
If I were you, I'd make a list (type or write out) the ++++ pluses listed here that support you or give you positive ways to address the issues. It is different from reading these (mostly wonderful) suggestions.
* The main focus for me is what works FOR YOU to sustain your own emotional and physical (and all other areas) well being? You need to realize you DESERVE to feel good about you in your own skin and life. Then, your mother.
* I would be very aware of going into long-winded explanations. Keep it very simple. "We can't do that now. (whatever she says). Would you like to watch tv or listen to Mozart - (give two options) that she'd like. Keep it short and don't get into this web of needs.
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I've read all responses to this particular situation and have my personal thoughts. My mom is gonna be 91, she's blind and walks with a walker. She moved in with us 3 years ago. Although I was not thrilled about her moving in, I took her in. And my husband did not mind at all. She has taken care of me my whole life and taking her was my way of saying thank you. I am now her caregiver. Does she drive me crazy? of course, she's a mom! I know what its like to be manipulated. You just have to take a deep breath and take one day at a time and do not let her comments get to you, brush them off. I say if you have the room, bring her in and hire a caregiver. The caregiver will take care of her and needs.
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anonymous284773 May 2019
Doubt very much that the mom you look after is not a manipulating narcissist. There is a huge difference when the parent is actually lovable.
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I could have written this post. My Mom put me through this for 16 years, starting when I was 50 and it got so bad because of her Narcissism I hated her. She finally left the planet at 92 and set me free. I felt NOTHING as she had killed all feelings left in me for her. She was a narcissist her whole life and manipulated me when young too. When you think about it, did your Mom act like this when you were younger too, or did she not get away with it as you were married with children.
Momstogo - your 93 year old mother is a classic Narcissist! And, I had two brothers who didn't help me, as they lived 9 hours away and didn't back me up when I told them she should be in a care facility. Finally they backed me up and she was in an independent living/care home for the last two years. I still had to do a LOT for her, but it wasn't as bad as when she lived in her own home and I had to do ALL the yard work, house work, her hair, her nails, her shopping, painting the 3 decks, windows, etc., Also taking her to Dr. (when she wasn't too stubborn to go) She even fell once, hurt her neck and refused to go to a nursing home where they could look after her professionally and I had to live with her 24/7 for four months. She nearly killed me. I was suffering so much stress that I became an emotional eater. Went up to nearly 200 pounds on a small 5'5" frame. Since she was in the independent living home it helped my stress level so much I got back down to my normal 125 pounds, but it took me those 2 years.
Momstogo. Tell your brothers they MUST back you up as the stress is too unhealthy for you. They must help you move her. Time to love yourself enough to really get strong and put your foot down. Easier said than done, but you have a husband who can also back you up. I had no one as was divorced 5 years earlier. My Mom finally fell again and ended up in hospital with cracked hip. From the hospital they sent her to a nursing home and would not let her go home on her own again. Not wanting your mom to hurt herself, but that was the only way I got my Brothers to finally back me up. The story is longer, but hope I may have given you an idea. I hope you find a solution soon as you deserve a good life of your own too.
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I'm not going to read all the responses here so I may be redundant. Let yourself off the hook, doing what is best for you is doing what is best for her and your relationship. Taking her in when you know you shouldn't will lead to disaster and that you could feel guilty about. Having the strength to not make that mistake is hard and full of love.

I applaud you allowing mom to make her own decision's here and if you feel she is cognitively capable of that then she is also fully responsible for the consequences. You have offered to move her closer which would not only make things easier for you it would enable you to be around more but she has made the decision not to, her choice not yours. You have offered and arranged for help with the things that would make life easier for her, give her some company and human interaction on a day to day basis, she chooses to be lonely. Truth is you taking an entire day a week to cater to her needs is more than you need to do and if you decided to curtail that you would have nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you are doing everything you can (within reason) to make sure she is safe and her basic needs are met you are caring for your mom and have nothing to feel inadequate about. I totally get how hard this will be and that it might not be possible but maybe not working so hard to meet all of her needs, the ones someone else could be, the way she wants will force her to accept a change whether it be moving or allowing caregivers in, if she isn't able to get her laundry done and meals made when she needs them maybe it will encourage her to bend a bit. No doubt she will work you hard but if you aren't able to jump you aren't able, it doesn't mean you are abandoning her and I was going to say you aren't leaving her to her own devices but actually I guess you are and that's the point, she has the control to get her needs met just not all by you physically. You don't have to say "I don't want to" you just say I can't physically do that but I can arrange to make sure it get's done. I can't move you in but I would love to move you closer and even if I could move you in I would need help caring for your needs and none of us would be as comfortable, you don't want to have to fit into our day to day lives mom you would have to give up your independence. We are going through a similar thing in that my mom is very resistant to having a hired someone come in to help so my brother isn't running up every other day, what she just doesn't seem to see is that having someone else come in will give her more freedom, keep her more independent from us not less!

Purposely manipulative or not, pleasure being that way or not (it may simply be driven by fear) you need to stop enabling her to manipulate you and either turn the tables a bit or simply give her the options and abide by her informed choices. NO GUILT! Enjoy that grandchild, you won't get this time back.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
Well spoken advice for many of us!! Thank you!
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There are several good souls on this thread who think the OP's position on her mother seems hard-hearted. As the daughter of a malignant narcissist and the DIL of a regular narcissist, permit me to share some differences:

My mom sucks the life out of everyone who comes near her. My MIL gives as generously as she takes.

My mom goes to the ER at least twice a month for no reason except she wants attention. My MIL only goes to the doctor/hospital when it is medically necessary, though she will regale anyone who will listen with the drama of it for years.

My mom threatens to drop dead whenever I don't do things to suit her. My MIL may not like the way we do everything, but she doesn't threaten to die.

My mom talks at me, not with me, and if anyone disagrees with her worldview they are scum. My MIL talks at me, too, but she is also a decent listener when we really need her to be.

When I call out my mom on her passive-aggression, she gets angry, gives me the silent treatment, and slams things around like a child. When my husband and I call out my MIL on her passive-aggression, she laughs.

My MIL would die for her family. My mom would kill everyone on the planet to stay alive herself.

These are some reasons why a regular narcissist can be a pain in the took but still tolerable, while a malignant narcissist is evil and a danger to all.

And, yes, malignant narcissists live forever. My mom is 92, healthy as a horse and totally independent, while I've been exhausted for 56 years.
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lealonnie1 May 2019
Beautifully put, the difference between a regular Narc and a Malignant Narc, love it. I call my mother an Energy Vampire. I was given The Silent Treatment continuously as a child, and even now as The Useless Daughter Who's Against Her Own Mother. And, unfortunately, you are right: these types of women live FOR-FREAKIN'-EVER! Mine is 92 with no real diseases, never any cancer, no true health problems, yet constantly SO SO SO SICK with non-life-threatening ailments that force trips the ER, the ENT, the ALF doctor, and everyone else on earth who will listen to the chronic complaining. Sigh. The people who think all mothers are sweet little old ladies who deserve undying love & compassion just Do. Not. Get. It.
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I haven’t read replies. Just offering support. Don’t let her move in. You already know it won’t work. I hope you enjoy every minute of your grandchild. Many hugs to you.
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do not let the suicide threats intimidate. furthermore, this could also be used to have her sent for observation. in the unlikely event she does try (if she does, it will be a half assed attempt, guaranteed to fail), let the authorities handle it. As for you husband saying more or less ok, it still is not. This woman will destroy your marriage. Also, do NOT encourage her to move any closer. And do not aid her in any way if she does try to move. I think you are going to have to set verbal boundaries. You can talk with her but tell her if she starts with the 'take care of me whining' you will be hanging up. and then, DO IT!! (and if some commenters here think she is being harsh on mommy, she most definitely is NOT). People who have had the blessing of normal family (or are in a fog if they have narc parents) have no clue as to life with one of these nightmare narcissists. This mother is a VAMPIRE. Plain and simple.
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If it were me, I would pick up brochures of the Assisted living places, close to you and leave them with her. Tell her that it is home health care or assisted living and don't visit for 2 or 3 weeks. Tell her that your coming is not an option any more.
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Marcelle and others with the same view, I hear you. My mother was a malignant narcissist, She passed last December aged 106. I have been stressed for 81 years. For the past 20 years I have been exhausted and still am. If you haven't lived it you have no idea what life with a malignant narcissist is like. They are mentally ill.

Do not bring her into your home. Start making other arrangements for the times when she needs extra help after a health issues. Hire someone to care for her in her own home. I swore I would take a second job to help financially if needed rather than take my mother into my home. She would have ruined all our lives.

If she threatens suicide call 911. Those threats are what got mother into a geriatric psychiatric hospital where she needed to be for assessment, treatment and proper placement.

Good luck. Look after yourself and your family. Your needs are important too. Your mum's care does not have to come solely from you.
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Davina May 2019
OMG--106!!!
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My heart breaks for the daughters who are loyal to a mother who never had clue one how to be a mother. I am in that boat also. I have had to just stop even asking her to visit an assisted living place to save an attack on me. My daughter is fostering babies now, and they come first. Mother is also healthy- although she wears out the dr with her complaints. My brother did take her to am ER once and she was fine ,the dr looked at her and said "Do you WANT something to be wrong with you?"She has alienated all her friends. I am her only contact. I send her letters everyday and even cut calls down to every other week.
Bottom line- if your mother is healthy- then live for your life. Maybe being more alone and vulnerable, she will finally one day agree to go to an assisted living, or a trip to the dr will recommend it.
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disgustedtoo May 2019
"...the dr looked at her and said "Do you WANT something to be wrong with you?"" AHAHHAHAHHAH - I *LIKE* that doctor!!!!
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Please don’t let her move in! She will not appreciate you for it. Your instincts are spot on - please listen to them. If she is managing, let her continue to live where she is. If she has to move, pick out a nice senior housing complex where she can make friends and you can visit closer to your home. Don’t give in and just walk away if she wants you to decide for her. She has to make the decision - and you need to live your life. Stand strong - with NO GUILT!
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Lostinva May 2019
Amen!
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When she has been with you due to big health problems, (I am just guessing) you probably took time off work and spent much of each day tending to her every want and need. If she comes for, let's say a week, and is home all day by herself without being pampered perhaps she would see it's not the same one on one and that you leave the house all day, everyday.
Do either of you know anyone who is living in an assisted living facility? If so, take her with you to visit the person and allow the person to show you all around and see the activities.
Perhaps she's just lonesome and looking for company more so than she did in the past. My mom always talked about how long each day was when you are just biding time all day in the house. Especially when she used to drive here, there, and yonder to stay busy all day.
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