My wife who I have loved and supported for over 60 years, is in a care home. Occasionally during our many years together and talks, she has hinted at an occasional past life which I chose to diplomatically ignore as a fact of life that often occurs when the husband's work calls him to work away from home for weeks at a time. During these conversations she always insisted she has never slept or had sex with other men, not even one man and I am the only one.
Lately, her dementia has started to loosen her tongue and today aged 78. she revealed she was once going to leave me and go off with someone with whom she had had an affair and regular sexual contact and meets with. It now appears that the other men who she had falsely claimed to me were the close friends of her rather promiscuous female friend HG, were hers also. I think being in a care home has sort of reminded her that these secrets are not worth keeping any longer and for this reason, she is beginning to be more honest and open with me, I am shocked, and rather hurt, and unable to cope, any advice would be appreciated. My instincts tell me to say nothing and ignore it, but it does worry me. An end of life story I never ever suspected or wanted.
I can vouch that a delusion can repeated accurately and it really is a false memory.
My mother believed that her sister was alive and she visited recently. This particular sister died nearly 8 years ago and the last 3 that she was alive, my mother never was able to visit her because she didn’t want visitors.
We finally got her off this train of thought by asking a lot of questions about the last time she visited. For instance, we asked what she was wearing, where was the visit, who was taking care of her, etc.
If your wife brings up the topic, you might want to delve deeper into it so that she can release the thoughts and move onto another subject. These delusions can really be tough to deal with.
Hang in there…
About 3 weeks ago I got a call from the day care facility my husband attends to tell me that he was necking with another attendee. Of course the staff are alerted and on top of that, but I started to giggle picturing in my mind how ludicrous that was.
I was stunned but he has dementia. I am not hurt over my husband acting like a 13 year old. To a man/woman every friend I told this to busted out laughing at the thought. Me too. I’d rather that hadn’t happened but he’s out of his former mind. When he got home I asked him how his day went. He didn’t remember. I said that I heard it was pretty interesting and then told him what I was told and he said "Nooo. Get outta here". These poor demented folks don’t know.
Your wife’s tongue is not loosening. She’s making up a world where a woman is wanted. After a while you could throw in a curve ball and ask if she dated Burt Reynolds and she may say that she did. My husband said he knew the Beatles. Now if in the next few years he tells me he played with the Beatles I’d have to give him some creative points.
You wife must’ve missed you terribly when you went away for weeks and maybe at this heart breaking time for you you might have forgotten the reassuring phone conversations you made to each other during your separations and the happy reunions.
Upon returning from one of your trips she may have hinted at a former life to test you maybe to draw you out to find what you may have been up to while away or, because of her insecurities, she wanted to let you know that even though you could go away from her she was desirable to someone, she had value. Childish, but I don’t know her background and we all cope as we can.
Remember, the former person your wife was always told you that she was faithful. The person is now is a child without filters and scrambled eggs for a memory.
You also say she's beginning to be more honest and open with you? Honesty and openness from a person with dementia. You must be kidding.
You're heart is breaking. Your wife is unwell. Join a support group. The antics and stories you'll hear will make you laugh, shake you head, maybe frighten you a little but they will make you feel better and learn that what your wife is devolving into should not be taken personally.
Stay strong.
I just shook my head when I read this. Believing a seriously demented person’s stories is insane. This has the potential to get really bad, if the husband doesn’t get himself some Alzeheimer/dementia knowledge ASAP!
I wouldn’t believe anything that comes out of a dementia patient’s mouth!
If these are new delusions, make sure you mention them to her doctor; sudden onset of new symptoms are often caused by urinary tract infections with no other symptoms.
He doesn’t specify exactly when these ‘hints’ started.
My mom started telling me all sorts of stories towards the end as her dementia progressed that couldn’t possibly be true.
One time she said that my grandfather went to get his mother from a reservation. She claimed that we had Native American ancestry. We don’t. I did 23andme testing. My grandfather was European, English, Spanish and French. Mom’s mother was German and French. We have no Native American DNA. I have done genealogy research that has confirmed this.
Some people want to know the whole story and others find that knowing the ‘when, where and with whom’ would be extremely painful.
There is no right or wrong way to feel about these things. It’s very personal, and I certainly understand that this is a difficult situation for you.
What’s done is done. You know that you can’t ‘undo’ anything. You have cared for your wife for many years. Obviously, you love her.
Have you considered speaking with someone about how you feel? It may help to seek out a therapist who can help you put everything in perspective.
Also, please remember that your wife has dementia, so you can’t take everything that she says as gospel.
If her comments are true, and it hurts to hear details, do you feel obligated to listen? You can always excuse yourself and walk away.
I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on in your caregiving journey. Take care.
It is a common delusion with dementia that a woman starts to think every handsome man wants her; is in love with her etc. Men do that too.
The caregiving technique is to distract, change the conversation, not listen and walk away.
You are NOT planning on allowing her words to drive you crazy, are you?