My 86 year old mother recently fell and broke two fingers. She had surgery and the bum hand, combined with bad knees, osteoporosis, and what we now suspect are Parkinson's symptoms like freezing of the legs and feet have left her unable to stand. This means she must have help getting on a portable toilet seat next to her lift chair. Yet, she refuses to ask for help at her assisted living facility. She basically lied to us and told us the nursing assistants won't help her. She says they're mean and bossy, etc. (which some may be) My wife and I have been taking turns spending 2-3 hours a day helping get her on the potty seat, changing soaked depends, cleaning up soiled clothing, etc.
When we asked the assisted living nurses, they told us my mother tells them she doesn't need to go or she can go by herself when they ask if she needs assistance. She's really pitiful, has use of only one arm, can't stand up, has trouble swallowing. Yet when we try to arrange for help, she fights us at every turn and becomes argumentative. The only people she'll accept help from is me and my wife, and it's wearing us out. I have a full time job and don't have the time or the skills to be a full time nurse on the side. That's why we're paying other people to do it.
Anyone else have experience with an elderly parent refusing help with activities of daily living they are no longer able to perform?
But there is no excuse leaving her in soaked briefs. They can't say they thought you were doing it.
I'd have a talk with the nurse about her care. It's the staff's job.
I think you shouldntvhave to do it if you are paying the facility.
What do you think of the ALF's standards in general? You say that you can imagine some of the staff are mean and bossy. On a scale of 1-10, how acceptable would you yourself find it if you were in their hands, with your mother's degree of dependency?
The thing is, your mother needs to be able to rely on these people. And to make that happen, you and your wife need to take yourself out of the picture - go away for a couple of weeks, absent yourselves. But you won't want to do that if you actually fear how she will be treated.
And if you are anxious about it, you need to solve this: either by working with this facility to build better relationships, or possibly by looking for a better facility with better leadership and a better culture. You must bear in mind that the day may come when you and your wife *can't* supplement your mother's care, for any number of reasons. Nobody can afford to make themselves indispensable.
Or, to look at it another way, be spent on providing her with the care she needs in her very old age.
She can't take it with her, you know. Which means, when you boil the soup right down, that you are economising on your mother's care so that - to put it charitably - she will have the satisfaction of knowing that she has left a little something to her children.
You can figure out the non-charitable version of that for yourself. I don't want to be harsh.
But, meanwhile, the ALF should be getting its finger out. What's the state of your relations with them at the moment?
Does your mother have dementia? Has she always been stubborn, demanding, and inconsiderate of you and your needs?
You can say "mom, we can only visit once a week; you're going to have to accept help from the staff here. That's why your're paying them". See how that goes.
My mom used to call us from her Ind. Living facility about things like broken light bulbs and ants in her kitchen. We'd tell her flat out "no mom, you have staff to do that now". When she'd say she didn't want to bother them, we pointed out that for 5K a month, she needed to bother them!!!
If they are allowing her to stay in wet clothes, on a wet bed to me this sounds of negligence. (the way you have described the situation they will not change her so you do it.) I would think there is a liability issue here as well. If she were injured while you, an "untrained" layperson were helping her I would think the facility would be liable. And more so if you told the lawyer that the reason you were "helping" is because the staff refused to do so.
I have to ask you, you are there 2 to 3 hours a day, when you arrive is she dry, bedding dry, clothes clean? If so then she will allow help from someone other than you. Maybe she is refusing help when you are there because she knows you will do what needs to be done.
The staff should be checking about every 2 hours this would include toileting and re-positioning.
Also if she is having trouble swallowing she needs more than Assisted Living.
You say it will "wipe her out financially" it is her money, she either earned it or her husband did. It is to be spent on her care. Sell her house if you need more finds before she qualifies for Medicaid. This money should be used for her care.
I mean, a real workup, not a cursory test of her memory? I'm thinking she's not "lying" to you, she's misinterpreting what is being said to her by aides; she's long thinking logically and she's not going to "learn" anything new.
That's one of the reasons I asked if she'd always been stubborn and inconsiderate of your time.
My parents were very frugal throughout their lives and saved, and saved and saved. However, we were told, early on and often, that there would be nothing left over after their deaths, that every penny of their money was going to be spent on them. This was not said in a mean way, just a practical one and it helped guide us when mom needed care.
Is she being lifted to the commode by your family? If she can't stand, how are you getting her to the commode? To me that is dangerous. She could fall off and break a hip.
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