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ok I give up pc playing up it would have ended lady sings the blues
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Thank you all for your comments. I was really getting desperate for someone to talk to. As I said in my original comment, in Iowa there is no local case workers you can go and talk to. The trained social workers are for girls on ADC. For us with family in nursing homes, the state has hired people off the street who just go by the rules and will not respond to any questions or problems you may have.

As far as what my husband has been doing with the money....he says he hates the food at the facility (even though he used to say he loved it and they have the same cooks as they did 4 yrs ago) so he has me bring down frozen entrees and he is allowed to sign himself out (the facility is in a tiny little farm community, about 10 miles from a main highway) and go to the local Dairy Barn restaurant on his motorized chair. Staff also will pick him up food on their way to work. We have argued in the past about his need to "eat out", but as it has been mentioned, he is very willful. I have his parents to blame for that. He was raised that he only needs to do what he wants. If it is too hard or he just doesn't want to do it, then don't do it.

I have been seriously thinking about a divorce lately. I have spoken to my mother and she has invited me to move to her house and store my things in her basement until I find a place of my own. I am taking care of my younger stepson's boxer...he works in other states doing construction. If I just move, the dog won't have a place to go, and I don't want my stepson to have to give him up. We gave away a dog to a couple who were really good, but their neighbor's son killed the dog by chasing it down with his pickup for the fun of it (this is a whole other story!!!) So I couldn't face that happening again in any form. I've decided to start planning, though, and get my ducks in a row.
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I agree with those people saying they won't miss their mom. If I could have a conversation with my mom like I do with my MIL, I'd miss that, but I haven't had a real conversation or even a day that doesn't involve walking on eggshells for more than a decade. If she weren't family, I would have stopped talking to her years ago. Oddly, I once asked her, when she refused to consider a hearing aid, didn't she want to hear her loved ones, what they had to say. Her response was all people did was complain and be negative. Now, if she talks to strangers she's all cheery and happy and sweet. As soon as they leave, she'll go on the most negative streak you can imagine. If someone has cancer or has a heart attack, her take to me is "big deal" with her rolling her eyes, followed by, "what? do they want to live forever?" Or she complains about money or the prices of things or how someone is plotting against her, or she thinks her neighbor is a prostitute or whatever. It's just one negative thing or another. Then if I show the slightest amount of disinterest or impatience, I get it thrown in my face that I'm a nasty and hostile person! So, this version of my mother: No, I don't want her. I won't miss that.
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thinks fracamile is spam
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