When will I stop feeling like I’m lost in space?

AvaC, you have my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your mother. My prayers and well-wishes are with you.

Your tip to "Set small goals for myself each day and over time, set larger goals" is perfect for me. I try to do everything I can in small increments.

Thank you for reading here and for leaving this thoughtful answer.

Cynthiasdaughtr, I offer you my sincere condolences and sympathy on the loss of your mother. I will keep you in my prayers, wishing you all the best.

Learning that "It's been almost 3 months since your mom passed away, and you are starting to feel normal . . . deciding not to take on any new responsibilities for a year to give yourself time to heal" . . . gives me hope, and motivates me to adopt this great model.

Thank you for the touching and inspiring comment.

fuzzyknot: You're quite welcome. Glad to pass on firsthand knowledge. It is not fun at all to experience almost passing out.

Beatty, Thank you for your lovely answer. Talk about smiling, your answer made my heart smile too. You had me Googling with the word transcendence, I didn't know what it meant either. Here's what I found . . .

When you achieve transcendence, you have gone beyond ordinary limitations.

Again, thank you for giving me something new and inspiring to think about.

Llamalover, Thank you for your answer, I learned something new. This means a lot to me. I am especially grateful for your thoughtfulness.

fuzzyknot: So sorry - I, too, have experienced near syncope episodes (pass out).

Today  I didn't tunnel through the day doing stuff like a zombie. I didn't have that "feeling nothing" feeling. I felt human . . . again! That was nice.

I also felt some things I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt tired. But I didn't have that overwhelming exhausted feeling like I was going to pass-out. THAT was motivating, made me feel like my old self!

That's not all, but I 'll relax and let this sink-in. All in all, I didn't feel like I was "Lost in Space" today. That felt GOOD!

Amelzer20, I offer you my sincere Condolences and prayers on the loss of your loved-ones. I wish you peace and blessings as you navigate through this difficult time.

Thank you for your comforting answer here. I truly appreciate it. Your words . . . "do what you can to honor them, to keep them alive in your heart and mind. We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love." . . . are powerful. They are so encouraging. Thank you!

Update: I had a rare moment of feeling like my old self yesterday. It was invigorating! I called Mama’s last remaining sister (my age) to check and see how she is doing with the recent losses we have suffered.
 
As we talked, we connected with some distant memories about Mama and Aunt Kate. That got us reminiscing and even laughing . . . belly-laughing . . . OUT LOUD!
 
That felt GOOD! It left us both feeling better. It also made me realize I must do that more often. During those 11 minutes of chatter and laughter, I didn’t feel . . .
 
. . . “Lost-in-Space”.

Daughterof1930, your words . . . "There were a number of weeks of feeling like I wasn’t myself. Time is your friend, it makes things better gradually. I found being outdoors to be a huge help" . . . ring so true for me also.

I don't feel like myself most of the time. Like I said, it's a "lost in space" kind of feeling. There are rare moments when I DO feel like myself, and I so wish the feeling would last. It's good to hear that time is my friend and will help make things better, gradually.

I LOVE the outdoors, I'm a real nature lover. But it is so hot here in Houston, I don't dare set foot outside for more than a few minutes at a time.

Thank you so much for your comforting words. It means a lot to me.

Thank you cxmoody. I like the idea to "metaphorically “dress in black” to give yourself permission to be sad. To slowly wade through the grief. For at least a year.

graygrammie, picking up some of the things I did before caregiving is a great idea and I've thought about that off and on. Thanks to you, I'm digging my sewing machine out of the back of the closet tomorrow.

To JoAnn for your 8-18-2021 answer . . . your words "Mom wasn't the Mom I knew. When she looked at me, there was nothing there. I mourned her long before she passed. When she passed, for me it was a blessing. I didn't have to worry about her anymore." . . . are EXACTLY the same for me, almost word-for-word.

I realized I was mourning for Mama while she was still alive by reading about it here on this wonderful site. Thank you again for your insightful response. It really helps.

There is no timeline fir grieving, but you can prevent staying in a permanent funk.

Get out in the world again. Whatever that means in your life.

Due to Covid, the world is probably different than it was when you started caretaking, so naturally your behavior has to adapt.

Do something you enjoy. Shopping, museums, movies, lunch with a friend? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Design short, low-pressure outings alone or with others - but choose someone outside the bubble that you listed so thst you start branching out.

I always felt movies were a great place to escape. But learn about the movie before you go to make sure it is appropriate for your mood.

When I was first at a movie following my mom’s death, I chose a comedy purposefully and then there was this “supposed-to-be-funny” scene where this guy was electrocuted and needed CPR. I wanted to run screaming out of the theater because I was doing CPR on mom just after she died until the paramedics could arrive. The memory of that distasteful scene still makes me cringe.

The thing that helped me feel alive again most was engaging in volunteer work. It got me out and thinking about other people’s problems, not mine.

Volunteer work has changed too, but there are still lots of things you can do during Covid. Volunteering at a religious institution is easy, the projects are already set up, you can just show up and join the assembly line. No pre-thought needed.

if you aren’t interested in implementing a project that someone else has created, design your own. You can always start small by bringing dinner to someone who is sick or grieving. It is as simple as making an extra portion of whatever you are cooking. It may cause you to cook creatively, and make something more exciting than your repertoire.

Graygrammie Thank you for the comforting words. They are very heartwarming. I appreciate that you took the time to read here and leave this lovely message.

My sympathy on the passing of your dear mother. She's now living her best life in Heaven. You are tired emotionally and physically. I urge you to get up, make your bed, get dressed and go out every day. Doesn't matter if it's a morning walk around the block or going to get your hair done, The important thing is to get up and get moving. Motion destroyed depression. I took my grief out on my landscape and I would sweat and cry there. No wonder I won 'yard of the month' several months during that time. You've been taking care of mom -- not it's time to take care of you and your husband. Make every day count not fall into a blur of the one before and before. You can do this. And a lot of your friends here are cheering you on!

I believe one reason the death of a parent is so disorienting is they are like our 'compass points' as we grow up from childhood; even tho you were prepared for your mother's passing, an it was blessedly gentle, you now have to function without a major reference point. It takes time; I'm so glad you have trusted support people, and you are wise to give them space too while you renegotiate your own path as an individual. Baby steps, it will come so be gentle with yourself; keep up your routines and let yourself feel what you feel as you get your bearings.

No two humans face this the same way. Some grieve before the passing and others afterwards. It will take time - talk to your loved ones for a while, I am sure they will understand but gradually stop doing this because they have heard it all. You can say a word or two but don't make the talks long. Find things you love to do and do them. And sit quietly by yourself and think and if need be cry - but do this in the quiet and by yourself. Given time, you will start to lose that horrible edge of suffering. You will never forget but you will be able to deal with it. Good luck and prayers.

I'm sorry to hear of your mom's passing. There is no time frame for grieving. I was a zombie for six weeks after finally getting my brother into a safe and caring facility with hospice care. Even though he is still alive anticipatory grief can take a lot out of a person, as can being in emergency mode as a caregiver. You might consider joining a grief group. Contact your local hospice. Good luck. Life will come back!

I give you my condolences on the loss of your mom. It is certainly a difficult time - I remember.

* I believe that everyone grieves differently as we are all a unique combination emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually -

* And, how we believe / process the transition from being here on earth to wherever we go. Some believe in heaven (which I do not understand personally), some believe in reincarnation and others, perhaps like me, believe that energy continues on and transforms.

* You 'may' stop tunneling through daily life . . . as you are when you feel through however you feel. Be with it. Understand it is grief and a part of the human experience. With lots of emotions going through us.

* If it supports you, write write write.
* Meditate.

* There is no rushing through grief. We can get stuck in the process though if we do not allow it to wash through us, like a spring or cascade on a mountain top.

* Reconsider - reframe how you say "... I only feel human texting . . . " ALL your feelings, including numbing out, are part of how you feel and part of your process.

* Sit with yourself in silence and be with 'it' no matter how 'it' feels or how you associate / attach meaning to it. Honor your grief by being with yourself through it. It is painful. You are likely in shock.

* If you have difficulty being with you, focus on your breath. Or, as we tend to inhale more deeply when we focus on it, be aware / focus on the in-between moments when breathing in and out.

* Key is to be present and honor all your feelings, even the ones you say you do not feel. They feel you. And, they want you to grieve and heal through however the process takes / moves you.

And, do things that bring you joy (flowers, gardening, a walk).
This is a time when you are super sensitive to the present. Love yourself in any way you that supports you in presence.

Touch Matters / Gena

I’m so sorry for your loss. My father passed in 2018 at 83. He was wheelchair bound the last two years. He was my everything. When he passed I never ever grieved. I’m starting now. It’s so hard to just even get up sometimes. I feel you.

I like Waterspirits post.

No one can answer your question on how long it will take to feel ”normal” again. Grief is an emotion we all feel at the loss of a LO. Your emotions are absolutely normal, in fact, I think they're unavoidable. We all experience grief differently and for different durations. Is a month enough time? Absolutely not!! Is a year? Probably not. Is five years enough time to work thru your grief and resume an enjoyable, productive life? I certainly hope so. There are no absolutes in grieving. The death of a LO can bring on conflicting emotions. A sense of relief that they have passed and that their suffering is over, and at the same time a feeling of loss and grief that you are no longer able to see them.

But grief is not a lifelong sentence. You don't have to forever feel that you're lost in space, or feel numb or zombie like. But time alone isn't the answer. You have to choose to work at getting thru your grief. You say you feel better when you are communicating with others- your husband, kids, your BFF. That's a positive thing. Addressing your feelings or speaking to others about your loss can be cathartic and distract you from your grief. Some say you go thru 5 stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as defined by Dr. Kubler Ross. I don't subscribe to that at all, except for acceptance. How can someone define stages of grief when grief is so personal? What I do believe is what you, yourself, are experiencing. A feeling of numbness, lack of concentration, probably a poor sleep pattern.

How will you know you've recovered? One sign is when you live your life as you did before your mom's death. Another is when you can reminisce without causing painful feelings. The pain of grief will go away, but the memories of your mom will never fade.

There are some good books on grief recovery. “How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Therese Rando, and “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by James and Friedman, are two that can help. If you can't find them at the library, they're available at Amazon along with other books on Grief. If your grief persists after an honest attempt to recover from it, I would seek professional help.

Grief goes through stages and we pretty much go through all the stages.
Stage 1 - Denial - that feeling like whatever "loss" can't be true. Might also be your zombie-like feelings.
Stage 2 - Anger - that feeling like "this" isn't fair
Stage 3 - Bargaining - all those ineffective efforts to bring back whatever feels like "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - feeling sad or numb or apathetic after the "loss"
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling like yourself and feeling "ok" or at peace with the "loss"

May I suggest getting involved in a grief support group. I like GriefShare which meets in many churches. All the members are either currently grieving the loss of a loved one or have successfully navigated the grief period and stay to help others.

Hello Fuzzy,
Sorry for the loss of your dear mother. What a blessing your mother passed so peacefully. Keep your mother close to your heart and find peace with the special memories of her. Remember she is not far away. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

What's Your Grief did an outstanding article exactly on The Myth of the Grief Timeline. (whatsyourgrief.com).
Just a few statements of what is in the article:

If grief is the result of losing someone we love and care for, then there’s no logic that can be applied or formula that can be used in determining how long it will last.

The idea of a grief timeline is somewhat of a misnomer. Anyone familiar with grief understands that associated feelings, setbacks, breakthroughs, roadblocks, triggers, and resolutions can occur at unexpected, unpredictable and inexplicable times and durations.
Grief is not a race with a start and finish line, it’s a labyrinth of twists and turns and dead ends. Grief is like trying to swim past the break in the ocean – you wade in but every once in a while a wave comes up and knocks you back a few feet. You’re still deeper than when you started, but not as deep as you were before the wave hit.
Grief cannot be mapped on a timeline, although typically its intensity should be negatively correlated with time. This means the more time that passes, the less extreme and agonizing grief feelings should be. There will still be bad days, but overall it’s average intensity will diminish.

So feelings of grief will diminish, but not disappear. Grief is infinitas which means ‘being without finish’. Grief doesn’t end, but with time it should look different; hopefully more peaceful, connected, and positive.
Here are a few small indicators you might be making progress in your grief. I find it important to note, you can take steps forward, yet still grieve your loved one. Just because you return to work, date, or decide to have a child does not mean you won’t continue to grieve the person you lost. The capacity you have to be happy, enjoy life, and love others exists in addition to the love you feel for your deceased loved ones. Because love…love is infinitas.
You start to feel just a little more ‘normal’
You have more good days than bad
You experience an increase in energy and motivation
You remember memories fondly as opposed to experiencing them as grief triggers
You can constructively think about the loss of your loved one and the impact it’s had on your life
Your sleep patterns return to normal
You experience feelings of optimism about the future
Improvement in performance at work
You’re able to focus on personal health and wellbeing
You feel ready to date again, have more children, and/or make new friends.
Your relationships feel more functional and healthy
You feel as though you are ‘rejoining the human race’
You feel ready to get out of the house
You experience an increase in desire for emotional and physical intimacy

Me again: let the feeling flow. There is no judgment, they are what they are. Ignore people who try to tell you to 'get over it', 'they're in a better place', 'you need to get out and start doing things', and whatever statements they offer. Often they will compare their grief story. An example: my mother died peacefully at home from cancer. There is not a chance that either of our stories or pain is the same or relatable. Often, it shuts off the grieving person.

The best we can do for those we care about who are grieving is to say, "I can't imagine YOUR pain. I'm here if you want to talk".

Godspeed through this journey to finding peaceful memories to soften the pain.

This site is amazing and a Godsend during care taking and after it. My mom passed in February, and I'm just beginning to come out of that state you refer to..
First, busy with paperwork, then cleaning out her clothes and belongings. For a long time, I was lost. Lost my Mom, lost my purpose. Didn't really want to socialize other than online or a few phone calls. The only thing that brought me peace was gardening and that was a lifesaver for me. Being in nature gave me purpose and time to reflect without interacting with anyone else. You have to find the one thing that brings you peace and do it. Each little thing you do for yourself builds on the next. Take your time to re-connect to yourself and step by step you will re-blossom.

You've been through so much and you're still exhausted, fuzzyknot. You've had a major loss. Your world has drastically changed. You have a vastly different schedule and daily focus.

Go easy on yourself and those around you. It's okay to just go with the flow of things. Don't pressure yourself--for a long time you've had enough pressure placed on you.

Slowly, and in its own good time, your mind, body, and soul will rest, adjust, and begin to recuperate. *hug* to you, fuzzyknot.

My LO passed July 6, 2021 and I was their 24/7 caregiver for many years, so I know what you are feeling and going through. It is hard and rough and It HURTS. As a caregiver your daily routine and responsibilities were “wired” to be and take of that one person every day. Now those duties have suddenly stopped, and it has a huge impact on your mental state. As you read the responses here, the one they all say is that you need time. Time will not stop the pain of grief, but will help make you get used to it. When you cannot text or talk to your immediate family you can call WARM at 1.877.910.9276 to talk to a mentor about your grief. Sometimes they are very busy, but leave a message for a call back. I have used WARM repeatedly because unlike you I have no family or friends to call upon to talk to, and I have talked to some of their mentors who also have experienced the same grief situations. Take time out everyday to say a little prayer for yourself and Mama.

It really just takes time.

In the meantime, you need to keep busy.

Try taking up something you've always wanted to do like painting ect.

Join a Gym or Yoga.

Meet with a group that has lost their lived one.

Meditable

Read the Bible.

Listen to relaxing music.

Go get a massage.

Start a Diary about your mom.

A lot longer than 24 days, anyway. Be fair to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be assured that the feeling of being lost in free-fall is perfectly normal and there is nothing wrong with you.