It's been cloudy and cold the last few days (for FL) and my mom has been extra miserable. God forbid the weather not be perfect! She's in that "I'm not happy" mood and basically wants me to sit around listening while she complains non-stop. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've been trying to avoid her with excuses, but I can tell it's only making her more angry.
The other day she started asking me questions about the expense sheet I kept when we purchased and renovated her condo. She wanted to know if she got "credit" for the money she gave us at the start of the renovations. It was $20K out of the 70K+ spent. I told her yes, and then went to get my ledger to show her where the 20K was listed and couldn't immediately find it so I asked her why she was wondering. I knew her money was listed and my mom has a photocopy of the ledger, something she requested last year. At that point she dropped it and moved on to some other "concern".
My take away- she is miserable here. Living by me has not been the experience she thought it would be. Never mind that it's been my worse nightmare come true. For her -- she is miserable too. I believe that she wants to move, but the problem is twofold. She really has no place to go (this is the biggest problem), and she can't afford it, not a place to her standards. The way the equity in her condo stands right now, we would both lose money. I also made it clear to her last summer when she threatened to move over me trying to stop her driving that I would not be signing anything unless I had a guarantee protected by a lawyer that I get every cent we put in FIRST and she can have what's left. I refuse to take a loss on this when I took money out of our retirement account to fund this FOR HER. But like I said, the biggest issue is she has nowhere to go. I could rent her condo for easy 2K a month or more, so if it came down to it, the finances could probably be worked out, and that would be FINE by me!! But there is no place for her to go.
She's dealing with her own issues, or rather NOT dealing with them and her increased digs at me, from everything to what I wear to "your hair looks dirty". It wasn't. She was just in a mood. That's code for she needs attention. I'm tired of the digs about how we "never" go out to eat. We "never" do this, or that... it just goes on and on. I want to scream I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE!
She has NO friends here. She refuses to even consider the senior center or anything related. There are snow bird activities going on, I've offered to go with her to start... nope. Wants nothing to do with it.
I'm at my wits end, again. I keep hoping the Wellbutrin will kick in but it hasn't yet. I told my husband last night that I'm thinking of lying to her and saying I got a job somewhere, just to be unavailable without having to explain what I'm doing.
To make matters worse, I can't talk to my mom about ANY of this. I have already been ORDERED to NEVER say the word dementia to her again, ever. (I dared to say it twice in the last 18 months while wanting to talk about the future) So any and all conversations about her future care needs are somehow forbidden. She wants business as usual which means she runs the show, she decides all the rules, and if she isn't happy, nobody is going to be happy.
Is there any way I can make this better?
They are bored and want someone to talk to. They need their own peers. An activity center would be good if they are willing to go.
My dad leaves the house too late to go to one. So we go other places, like a store or restaurant.
I hope you find a resolution. All the best
You are trying to 'fix' an 'unfixable' situation. The trouble is the word 'want' ....... your mother wants A through Z and even God Himself would be unable and unwilling to grant all of those wishes because life on Earth comes with some pain. Some sacrifice. Lots of imperfection, even for HER! And the demands she issues are unrealistic, unwarranted, and unachievable. Until you realize that, you will continue jumping thru the fiery hoops and burning your poor body over & over again.
Stop jumping. It's okay to say no. It's okay to relax. It's okay to let the phone calls go to voicemail. It's okay to go out and have a nice day with your friends or with DH. It's okay if mother's every need goes unmet. It's okay to realize it's not your responsibility to see to it that such a thing happens. It's okay to tell her that you can no longer be her slave or her scratching post or her Girl Friday. It's okay to let yourself off of this hook you've been put on to.
It's time for your mother to realize that the earth does not revolve around her, at least for YOU. If she'd like to move, you will help her to the best of your ability. But if all she'd like to do is to continue to complain into your ear, you're not available for such a thing any longer. You, my dear, are busy living your LIFE and have no more time for such nonsense.
Enough is enough.
Don't let her guilt trip you, or put you under stress - you are an adult and should be treated as one if she wants to be treated the same way.
I don't understand if she lives with you in a condo you own? Freedom is more important than money. Is it time for mom to move into AL? Give some people an inch and they take a yard over and over. She's got you where she wants you.
You have to ask yourself....what does better look like? And take steps to make it happen, legally and every other way.
We are moving my mom into MC in a couple weeks and she has no idea...and it will be up to her to find a little happiness. best wishes.
If your mother will only at present constantly complain to you then I think you need to be less available to her and if need be tell her why. That may not change her personality but you will not be tortured by her behavior to you. You are doing your best. We can't force happiness or contentment on others. We can only try to be the person we want to be and meet reasonable needs.
She could have used the public transportation for disabled/elders, but she was too good for that.
She would call people on the phone, but I think that was a lot of her just prattling on and on. She didn't hear very well. But I guess it counted as socialization?
She eventually had an infected gallbladder, was hospitalized for 17 days, then to rehab, then to a SNF. She didn't try to engage with the other residents much, but did engage with the staff (when she wasn't experiencing paranoia, that is).
I did not want to be her social support, and thought it was inappropriate for her doctor to suggest as much to me. ("She needs social support. She needs someone to check in with her every day to see what she needs.") I just looked at the doctor.
Not because we moved her to a new location .. she was where she always lived, but she was in denial of aging .. and faltering in health .. and so forth.
I explained many many times that she can go to the senior center, . . transport will come for her .. and/or I would go with her, to start .. her daughter (who comes to town periodically, lives 1K miles away) even went with her, one time, . to try to acclimate her to that environment in the hopes she'd strike an interest.
Her refusal to do so . was always cloaked in a mantra of "those are all old people, I don't want to go be around old people".
She was an "old people" . but failure to recognize that and deal with it.
She lived that way isolated for far too long.
She now lives in a SNF . and is surrounded by those "old people" she didn't ever want to be around. I wish I could report that she is now acclimated. Far from it.
I think what that isolation created .. was a setting whereby she was allowed/enabled to deny the reality that "IS". You too are old, .. and .. guess what .. so are others, . doesn't mean life comes to a complete halt . and the only social outlet is what your kids, g'kids can summon to the front for you.
My only advice, . you don't play that game. Life is what she makes it .. and you need to stick to that, for your own good .. you matter too.
Remind her when she begins to balk/complain that there are means to get her to a senior center to make some friends, . and change the subject . and move along. Don't get trapped into some setting whereby you are her only outlet, and she uses that time to vent/complain incessantly. It's not fair to you .. and in the end, .. it's not good for her.
Why does tour mother get to make the rules Piper? You're reasoning from a false premise.
Mom HAS dementia. That's the elephant in the room.
It's not your job to make her happy.
Sometimes, we become delusional because we want something for them so badly. I did this far too long with my mom and had to learn this the hard way. We fall into the, “What if? and If only? Or Should I?” trap. Vicious circle.