My mother has always been fairly dramatic but it has gotten way out of hand. My father was in Pearl Harbor and she told some acquaintances that he shot down a kamikaze plane. That never happened. The next one was that she served in the military. Also never happened; the government paid for her nurse's training during WWII because they need the medical personnel. The war ended when she was half way through her training. She never served at all. I am sometimes at my wits end - when I correct her she gets really upset with me. But I feel I am not doing her a kindness by letting her tell theses whoppers. Should I just let her continue with this without correction or should I correct her. My mom was the type of person who was VERY correct and the worst thing that could happen to her was to be embarrassed. I don't know which would be the best. If she was in her right mind this wouldn't be happening. Her dementia came on fast about a year ago and she is losing ground every day. She'll be 90 on 02/24.
The trouble too is if MIL is told no that is not true, she gets really mad. She told a story at a family dinner years ago, that my husband was a great hockey player. When my husband said that he could hardly skate and this was not true she ended up doing several hang up calls to me later in that day. I think with dementia they forget the story soon after they tell it, but she did not. This was 25 years ago and I don't think someone can have dementia that long. At least with dementia we know that is the cause of the stories, but I don't know what is wrong with MIL.
Mama was always a huge contributor in her earlier years to the Republican party and George Bush was her man..She loved Reagan too, but she just really loved George, Sr. and also the "W"...She started telling us that George and Laura were moving in to the house at the end of the street and she was so excited....There was some new highway project in the works at the time and some issue with funding that had been in the papers and I'm sure she just got all the components nice and mixed up....but you could never convince her they weren't coming...we just went on with it as what hard could it do...
And there was always the infamous one about the time she was coming home from the grocery and a car almost t boned her and she went over on two wheels and to keep from turning over she put her elbow out the window and managed to keep the car upright....bless her heart...she told that one a lot...and she always got really animated when she told it...and to be honest we usually began to get tickled because she told it so often, but she seemed to enjoy telling it so again, we just let her .....Lord I miss that sweet little Mama of mine....
I haven't laughed this much in months. Thank you for sharing.
Speaking of Sam Elliot and the like, my Mom used to love Tom Selleck and Robert Redford. But they are definitely fighting the aging process just like all of us.
Also speaking of actors aging. Ray Liotta was in the audience at an award show and looks like he got a hell of a bad face lift. His eyebrows are on his scalp now.
( shrugs shoulders like nelson on the simpsons )
i dont need your bad checks but id sure make slappy noises with your behind if youd like .
just reading between the lines here ..
im just so accomodating that sometimes i think its a fault .
There was so much like this for so long that I started feeling like my own reality was getting a bit twisted. But then, my reality was really not as fun as hers, so it might have been better to go with hers. In her reality now she just stopped going outside last week, even though it has been 3 years. It makes use realize that truth is whatever we believe it to be. It makes me start to doubt my own version.
a childhood dream (like the singing). I have to try really hard not to correct her. You know the song "Let it Snow"?. I have to sing under my breath...."let it go, let it go, let it go". However, if she says something painful I do call her on that in an attempt to stop the delusion and change it to the actually correct information in the hopes she will hang on to the truthful one. Feel like I'm rambling so I'll stop. Hope this helps!
As I've mentioned before, my mother told everyone in the senior apartment building where she lived, (before she moved to a memory care facility) that I threw her on the floor and stole her pain medication. One of the residents called her doctor for more pain pills even though I was handling all of my mom's meds and am a nurse. She put my mom on the phone and mom told the nurse this confabulated story. As medical personnel, we are mandated by law to report this to Adult Protective Services. She did and an investigation was launched, all unknown by me!!!!! The minute the social worker got to my moms apartment she could tell she had dementia. No report was filed and the case was dismissed. Funny thing is, I was never contacted!!!! I found out about it by accident when she had a doctors' appointment. I immediately contacted APS to get the full story. My mother stuck to her story for a couple of months and then, just as mysteriously, forgot any detail of it. I was crushed and had a hard time "clearing my name" around her senior apartment building. This is an extreme example of confabulation and how devastating it can be.
I agree with previous posters, just ignore it if you can. There is no way you are going to reason with a demented person. Arguing usually agitates one or both of you and serves no purpose. I have since been told by mom that I'm a liar, a thief and that I've tried to molest her. How horribly hurtful but I try to remember it's the Alzheimer's talking. Sometimes I'll admit I loose it and holler back at her, in an attempt to regain my honor. I'm only human.
We'll all be glad when they find a cure for this wicked disease.
Aha! Then we realized this behavior is not new. I noticed her customized memory when in my 20's. I'm 60 now. It's just easier not to believe your parent can be so flawed.
Her stories sometimes change according to whatever her failing memory has latched onto most recently. She rarely sees or talks to anyone outside myself, my brother, and her 2 sitters now, as her repetition and sometimes apparent falsehoods began to clue people in. And then she doesn't remember what she or anyone else has said unless she has etched it into her mind with her own spin.
My brother and I have learned to let it all go as much as possible, never to argue (unless it's necessary with her doctors, dangerous, or a point of principle that can't be resisted....and she won't remember the argument anyway), to not worry about the untruths so many others have been told about us and those we love(d), and to forgive the hurt she has caused through those fabrications.
Just another sadness coming from the horrible condition of dementia. May our love and/or loyalty for our carees override what looks to be personal jabs. Be it lying, manipulation, meanness, or disease, they are powerless to stop and we must rise above it to see them through to the end of their lives with as much as dignity as possible but without sacrificing our own health and sanity, a delicate balance at best!
Hugs and good wishes for patience to you, Rainmom, and all others traveling this awful road.
It's very upsetting all around. Good luck.
***Confabulating and Confabulations ***
In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.
Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.
Carers challenge: is what they say true? Confabulations become a far greater concern in the later stages, because confabulations are much more likely to be acted upon.
It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged.
Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.
Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous- when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer's.
I actually had a doctor appointment of my own, for a change.
I told my brother to not believe anything that she tells him about appointments from now on.
She has not gotten to the point of complete fabrication, but I know that it's coming, because she likes attention.
With my father, at a doctor's appointment, he is forgetful, so I just shake my head 'no' when he tells the doc something that is not right. He can't see me doing it!
My mother has always been completely unreasonable and you cannot explain anything to her without her getting mad, so I guess I will just let her go on, when her mind does get that bad. Easier than trying to point out the truth.