My 83 yr old 5 yr old refuses to see an elder care attorney n consider POA to me his wife of 30 yrs. It took an act of congress to get him to sign me on his medical HIPPA! He really hasn’t legally filled out his advanced directive as far as getting it notarized. I’m afraid of some of his financial decisions he’s been doing is going to lead to financial uproar when he dies. Unfortunately he is now my sole provider so I’m out on the streets without him. He’s going down hill physically n mentally. Life is not enjoyable in the golden years as I have envisioned.
If you already have an estate plan, make an appointment for a ‘refresh’. If your husband refuses to participate, go alone and discuss the legal protections already in place for you and what your options are should your husband’s cognitive decline progress.
I went the ‘refresh’ route with my husband at the very first sign he was starting to make questionable financial decisions. At that visit we made sure my name was on all the accounts and documents. It helped to have someone (other than me) telling my husband what could happen if it wasn’t.
I have an appointment to do it again, this time alone, now that his dementia has progressed. We’ve done a pretty good job preparing for death but I need to do some fine tuning regarding his possible long term care and incapacitation or incompetence. At the same appointment I plan to look at my options and refresh all my own documents.
Two pieces of advice; take them for what they’re worth:
When you’re reading on this site, remember to distinguish between those speaking about dealing with a parent and those dealing with a spouse. There is a world of difference between the two, legally.
Never speak of yourself or your interests with your husband when it comes to finances. If you must mention finances at all, always talk about HIS money and HIS protection. We all know it’s just as much yours as it is his. We all know that it will ALL be yours if you’re still married when he dies. The problem right now is that he could spend everything before he dies, whether it be on foolish investments or his own long term care, leaving nothing for you when you need it. Your only option may be divorce, now, to retain your half, but I guarantee you, trying to plead the case for your own old age protection will only make a stubborn, selfish man more stubborn and selfish. Disgusting, but true.
I went through this with my step FIL, when he had Parkinsons and was falling a lot and his wife, my MIL, was also experiencing memory impairment. My SFIL was a jerk so his 2 sons were estranged from him, but they also lived many states away. SFIL had us and another step son locally but adamantly refused to assign anyone his PoA.
As a last-ditch effort I went to visit him with blank PoA paperwork in hand and explained to him what happens when someone becomes incapacitated without assigning a PoA: they become a ward of a court-assigned 3rd party guardian -- a total stranger -- who then will manage all his affairs and make all medical and financial decisions for him.
He never signed any papers and I stopped helping him and he indeed get put into a Medicaid facility by the guardian. BUT, he got the care and management he needed and we didn't have to do anything except visit him and tell the guardian where his ashes would be sent.
YOU, as his wife, would have no power at all except to protect your half of assets. If he doesn't believe you, then consider setting up a phone call (on speaker) with a certified elder law attorney (CELA) to confirm this to him. But if he's suffering from short-term memory loss or any early dementia (like anger and paranoia) then this may come to nothing but at least you tried. Your next move is to talk to the CELA about you assigning a PoA (who is at least 1 generation younger than you) and how to how protect your assets from your husband's now irrational thoughts and use.
Aging "gracefully" is illusive... we must all plan for the worst and hope for the best. That's as much as anyone can do.
You are GIVEN it willingly; you are REQUESTED to take it on.
That's hardly your hubs, is it?
You are married!
You must be kidding about out on the street!
You own 50% of everything you see around you, including accounts, and if you are not ON those accounts, then that's on you. You have painted yourself into a corner of helplessness.
First of all, as his wife, you already HAVE the powers as far as advance directive. If he is down and out and cannot make decisions they will turn directly to YOU. And they won't be asking about signatures and directives really. I was just there in the ER making decisions for my hubby. So don't over-worry that. Same is true of finances. If you are not already on these accounts then off you go to an attorney.
File for legal separation and division of finances.
And yes, you can still live with him while you do that.
See an attorney. You need legal advice. You cannot act for him ever as long as he is competent to act, and clearly he won't let you, so drop that. A POA paper won't change that whatsoever. If he hasn't done these things then that already says just who and what he is. So give that up and see a lawyer about YOUR OWN RIGHTS.