Our mom(90) has dementia. Our dad(85) is the primary caretaker. Our mom is strong and has always made the calls in the family. Our dad continues to let her make the calls. She has meds to help with her anger but she won't take them and he won't slip them in her meals or push the envelope to encourage her to take them. She doesn't want a caretaker, except for me and my sister who help when we can but work full time, so he won't hire one. He complains about how he's getting an ulcer and it's so horrible but he won't do anything to help. We've come up with solutions that he ignores. Help! We feel guilty and so sorry for him yet discouraged and frustrated since he won't do anything to help us help him and them!
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it so guilt is off the table.
The word you want is GRIEF at the helplessness you feel in witnessing poor choices in the aging process.
You need a good sit down talk and need honestly, looking dad right in the eyes, telling him that this cannot go on for his health and safety and Mom's as well, and that you will not continue to enable this behavior.
You will not change your father.
Eventually push will come to shove and there will be the call of some disaster or other with one of your parents down and in need to transit to hospital.
Call in social workers at once when this happens.
Meanwhile there is little you can do other than what you ARE doing, and it will become increasingly more difficult.
I wanted to acknowledge use of fried in place of guilt. When I read what you wrote I almost jumped out of my seat to go share that with my family. YES!! That’s exactly the feeling. You put it into words so simply and clearly. We have had a very similar struggle the last 2 years. It’s so hard to let them fail, we knew a train wreck was coming but they just wouldn’t open their eyes and face the changing life phases. It made decisions, support, any help very hard for us to wrangle through. But the emergencies were consuming. I just don’t know why aging people aren’t looking forward and planning. Best of luck to us all. Thanks Alvadeer for your precise description. (And all your other contributions here too!)
Good luck to you.
I think that you are doing all that you can right now.
Sure hope that someone aside from him has the DPOA so some sound decisions can be made when the time comes, which will be in the near future. There is no getting away from it.
Keep posting it will help.
Sadly, it’s a waiting game for now.
Sooner or later an emergency will occur and your mom or dad will be taken to the hospital. Then hopefully you can intervene.
Best wishes to you and your family.
A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping , you have to let them fail , to make them accept help “.
Perhaps you lay it on the line to your Dad that things will be getting worse (it’s inevitable), and you have more than reached your limits of caring. He needs to talk to you and Dad about what happens next. It ISN’T that you will do more. So what is it? If it isn’t you doing more – so what happens? And how can Dad and you make it happen? Tell him that for many ‘strongwilled people’ they have to experience ‘help’ being cut off – and is that what he wants?
Dad needs to look ahead, as do you and your mother. The alternatives really do need to be spelled out in considerable detail, before they are believable.
Thoughts based on values eg
*he alone must provide all the care* or
*only family can help*.
Be direct. Ask him. Discuss his views.
Sometimes strong marital or family values can become inflexible barriers to adding more care. That's what it is btw, not REPLACING him or family care but ADDING MORE care. Adding additional services, aides, staff.
I don't know if your Dad would allow this, but my Dad was so worn out he went along with it. He's also very BIG on listening to 'authority figures' and not his daughters.
It resulted in full time care, which drove him mad - so he agreed to move with her into AL. Tough time for sure. Hang in there.
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