What to do if your child you live with is the abuser?

Where is the abuse here? Your daughter said some harsh words to you but that is not abuse. She took you in and you repaid her kindness by cutting her out of the will. Of course she is going to be upset and I don't believe this is about money. You are favoring two grandchildren over your other grandchild. You are penalizing your daughter because she is more successful that your son. You created this mess.

It is not about the money, it is about the fact that you are telling your daughter and her children that they do not matter to you.

My mother said the same thing, she is leaving everything to my brother, nothing to me, not even a piece of jewelry because I have enough.

She also bought him a new car, she never bought me anything of any value.

That did it, I was done, haven't spoken to her for 12 years and never will again.


I did everything for my mother for over 50 years, my brother did little or nothing until I told her goodbye, now he is stuck with her.

I have no doubt the she was in shock that you cut her out of the will after she gave you a home and was prepared to provide some level of care as your health declines. And of course your son has no problem with this as everything is going his way, even if it is indirectly.
All of this might have been avoided if you had discussed this with them both before presenting a fait accompli.... BTW what did you hope to accomplish when you decided to inform them now rather than leaving them to discover it after your demise?

Yes, you certainly laid an egg, with the EXTREMELY foolish decision to open your mouth. A bit late to be asking advice! Done is done, and I very much fear you have brought all this on yourself.

I am with your daughter 100%. I would be beyond furious, too. There is simply no inoffensive way to tell one child she is going to get nothing, while everything goes to her sibling’s kids! Frankly, you’re lucky she didn’t put your belongings out on the sidewalk that very day!

All that said, I agree it’s your money to do with as you like. BUT—you were out of your mind to not (as CWillie notes) just keep your intentions top secret…and let your poor daughter find out after your funeral, when she had spent years housing you!

Oh, well. Maybe your favored son will take you in.

I am sorry to hear you have an advanced cancer, and may spend your final time alienated from family.
You could have set up accounts for your grandsons outside of your estate. Then drawn up an equitable will, distributing whatever was left (even if it was pennies) after you took care of yourself. Or never mentioned your will.
Your maximized the drama. What did you think was going to happen?
Calling your daughter an “abuser” seems rather gratuitous.

Your daughter is abusive?

She has been there for you for years and you decide to cut her and her children out of your will and you tell her about it. I would say you are the abusive one here.

I would sue you for back rent if you didn't get out of my home.

It has nothing to do with the money. It has to do with not leaving them anything that shows you had kind regards for them, regardless of what their parents can give them.

I can come back to say that I can understand her point of view - she isn't wrong to think that her wealthy daughter and her family doesn't need the money as much as her working class son and his kids do. I'm left wondering whether a financial planner and an elder law attorney had any part of the way this has been set up, because I can see other ways the same thing might have been accomplished without causing so many hurt feelings. Plus the unfortunate reality is that with stage 4 lung cancer the OP's life expectancy is lowered and the need for expensive care at the end of life is increased and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for how that is going to be paid for - it is an awful shame that there has been such a huge family rift when by the end there may not be anything left to quarrel over.

OP you came here for advice but you came on the offensive, telling us how much you do around your daughter's house as though that somehow equals and erases what she has done for you. Instead of doubling down and accusing her of abuse you need to step back and realize that just because she has greater wealth does not mean she owed you any of it, and that your words and actions obviously hurt her deeply - I don't think there is any way forward until you acknowledge that.

Manyloveslost,

Please disregard my screen name. My mother died well over a year ago.

I haven’t posted on this site in a very long time.

I deliberately took a break from anything that related to caregiving in any way.

I certainly don’t disapprove of others staying on this site to help others. I remained on this site for awhile but it was triggering disturbing emotions, so I left because it was what was best for me.

My life changed drastically due to being a caregiver to my parents for decades and even after they died I struggled to process it all.

Like your daughter, I invited my mom to move in with my family. I do hope that you realize what a selfless act this is.

Like all mothers and daughters, my mom and I had our ups and downs. Most of us will admit that family relationships are anything but simple.

It is okay, even normal for us to be confused and question our circumstances at times. We have all been there due to various reasons.

Everyone is entitled to hold their own personal views. I ask you though, as someone who has been in your daughter’s shoes to please look at the situation from her point of view.

I understand that you love your son and his family. Please don’t lose sight of your daughter and her family. Please see her as your child with equal value to your son.

It may be helpful to speak with a professional therapist who will be objective and can help you to fully understand the situation at hand, especially now, since you are dealing with a health issue as devastating as cancer.

My mom was similar to you in some ways but extremely different from you in others. She favored my brothers. She continually gave money to them and although there wasn’t much money left, she left it to my brothers because she felt that they needed it most.

I wonder if you have a situation like many of us have had. Conflicts arose long before you were living with your daughter.

My mom felt that my brothers needed help. I was supposed to get help from a man. Her opinion was that women are to marry and be ‘taken care of’ by their husbands.

I paid for my own education, rent, utilities, transportation, wedding and everything else in life.

Life wasn’t easy but I learned that I could survive on my own. That’s more than my brothers learned. They learned to stick their hands out for our mom to place money in them. Is that what you want your son to learn?

Another downfall is that this situation has damaged your children’s relationship with each other.

You are blessed with grandchildren. How wonderful! Please show your love by loving all of them.

I had health issues that prevented me from conceiving a child. I finally said, no more. It didn’t matter to us if our child was biologically related to us or not. I got off my emotional roller coaster infertility treatment ride and we decided to adopt. We have a beautiful daughter. She is our child, period!

Words could never describe the love we felt for her as soon as we laid eyes on her precious little face.

She was the apple of my father’s eye. My mother adored her and never treated her as ‘less than’ her bio grandchildren.

Many years later I conceived a child without the help of fertility doctors. We were shocked but delighted. Our love for them is identical. Simply put, we have two children. We don’t say, ‘one is adopted and one is biological.’ My younger daughter says, “This is my sister.”

Please stop making differences between your grandchildren and children.

My parents showed absolutely no favoritism whatsoever. A parent is a parent, whether biology is involved or not.

A child is your child, whether a person gives birth or they adopt or they foster or they inherit a child through a marriage. Sorry, I don’t use the word ‘step.’

I don’t refer to my nieces and nephews as biological or step. I love each and every one of them the same. I never introduce them as bio or step. I simply say niece or nephew.

I wish your entire family all the best.

I think you should reconsider. You are destroying your family with your actions. It’s not just about the money, there are emotions and feelings that go along with inheritances. And yes you are playing favorites, whether you acknowledge it or not. Put yourself in your daughters shoes, how would you feel if your parents did that to you. Leave equally to all your grandkids. Your sons kids will need to figure it out.

And you should go live with your son. You created an untenable situation with your daughter for yourself. I hope it was worth it.

I doubt the OP is coming back or even reading any more, I know for myself that hurtful comments would drive me away and even helpful criticism can take several days to process.
I think the responses reflect that the forum is populated by many members whose parents have played toxic games all their lives and right or wrong they are quick to pounce on anything they perceive as that. Some people are truly toxic but my hope is that most are just misinformed or may have made an error in judgement.