Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I'm going to assume you feel she is capable of violence or you wouldn't be asking this question. I'd record her murderous conversations and make a report to the police, both your local cops and those in her jurisdiction. Don't forget to emphasize that she has several guns.
Based on your profile information, I would suggest you have a talk with your adult son. Tell him exactly how his grandmother treats you and that she threatens to kill you with a gun. Then he can decide whether or not he wants a relationship with a person who abuses his mother and threatens her. Then I would surpass the local police. If they're making wellness checks and have not taken the guns away from a paranoid elder with dementia, then they're useless in this situation. I would say make two phone calls.
1) To APS. Explain that your mother is a mentally ill, paranoid elder with dementia who's making threats, and lives alone in her home with guns. Make sure they know you live out-of-state and there's no family nearby for her to go to or who can help with caregiving.
2) Call the ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms). Tell them the same thing. That your paranoid, elderly mother with dementia has guns in the house and is making threats. You live out-of-state and there's no family nearby that can help with caregiving. Then tell them that the police haven't done anything about the guns and that you're afraid someone is going to get killed because someone is going to. What is going to happen is your mother will get increasingly more paranoid as her dementia worsens. The situation will not stop at just threats to you and certain family members. Someone is going to get hurt or killed if your mother is allowed to continue living alone with guns. Maybe the cashier at the grocery store gives her a dirty look. Or maybe the neighbors are "stealing" from her. Or the garbage men who pick up her trash every week are "spying" on her. I'm so sure you know what will come next. Don't think for a minute that elderly people with dementia are harmless. They're often dismissed by others as simply being paranoid old fools with dementia that aren't a threat to anyone. Your mother is dangerous. Maybe not immediately to you nine hours away. She is to everyone else and herself. There needs to be immediate intervention right now to get her help and to get the guns away from her.
You are absolutely correct!! I’m going to meet with my son to discuss this. My niece was planning to visit her next month, but my son contacted her and told her to not go!
Call the non-emergency law enforcement number. Tell them she has answered the door with a gun. Tell them she is a red flag situation and the guns need to be removed. Be prepared to not only explain what is taking place but know that no matter what happens, things could go badly and it isn't on you. Many states have red flag laws now that allow you to petition to take away weapons so that should be a viable answer if she really won't cooperate.
She hasn’t answered the door holding a gun, so I wouldn’t say that. I would only state factual actions. Thank you for the websites!! I’m checking them out now. The Red Flag Law is very informative and helpful, although it may be difficult if the parties live in different states.
Sounds like your mother has had paranoid thinking and talked about harming others in adulthood, that this is not just a new onset paranoia due to brain changes of dementia. I would suggest calling APS in her state, and give a detailed report of your concerns. Include the documentation you have of police visits, timeline of events/threats, list of weapons in the house, etc. Police may have reported her to APS in past...but that material is confidential. You have a different perspective. I think there is a high risk of harm to others....if she can see out her windows she can also shoot through them.
Yes, I agree with you to a point, but her hostility seems to be focused on a few family members only. Ironically, we are the only ones who call her, send gifts without it being a special occasion, and place wellness checks. The police “visits” were wellness checks that I have placed. I do not know if she has dementia or not.
This really depends on the specific nature of the threat.
I read a California Sunday story about how a lady with dementia had threatened to kill her roommate in snf. The roommate just laughed it off as no one was in the position to hurt anyone.
However, you sensing there is a real situation here indicates that there is one. I would do the er social admit route to see if meds can mitigate the behavior, and if not, a placement.
You never mentioned your mother with dementia having GUNS in your last posts. What a dangerous situation!
I'd call APS and report her as a vulnerable elder with GUNS and DEMENTIA who refuses to leave her home. Let them go there with the POLICE to assess the situation.
Thank you for your response, but my mother does leave her home to go grocery shopping, doctor’s appointments and some errands. She never takes her guns away from her property.
Does ANY relative live near her? If so and they still have contact with her, just call them for updates on your mother. It sounds like you have a volatile relationship with her.
You say, "I think she is losing/lost her mind although she would deny that possibility." She can deny it all she wants but being angry, paranoid, making threats, "would always talk about “blowing someone’s brains out, drag him/her to her shed, and CHOP him/her up!!!” obvious is not normal behavior. She either has dementia or a mental health problem.
You say, "I have no intention of going anywhere near her. I’m glad we live in different states!" Do you really think she is going to get in the car and drive 9 hours to your location or hire someone to "drive her"? Because you "have no intention of going anywhere near her", it's hard to understand why you would contact her by phone? Her behavior is toxic.
Burntcaregiver gave you 2 good suggestions of who to call: APS and ATF. Does she live in a rural area? You may need to call the local Sheriff's Dept. When you called the local PD for a welfare checks, did you happen to mention her previous paranoid threats and the fact she owns SEVERAL firearms? If not, TELL THEM AGAIN. Get the officers' names who call you back with their "welfare check" results. Write down the date, time and these officers names. At this point you have put authorities "on notice" of a potentially dangerous individual with guns in their community. You are done.
Stop calling her or taking her calls. Maybe change your phone number. You say you don't get along. Why are you torturing yourself by contacting her? She told you she doesn't want help and wants to "die in her house." It's difficult because although you'll never go near her, you seem to still care about her either out of obligation or guilt. YOU need to figure out how this relationship is affecting YOU. Warn your son, any grandchildren or any relatives of her behavior. Myself, I would just leave her be.
Lifeistooshort, Yikes. Mom is threatening and has guns. Scary.
If these guns are illegally owned, then the police can absolutely seize them. And also, mom likely gets arrested for illegal possession of a firearm.
But you say mom legally owns these guns.
So here's the problem: if your mom has a license to own these guns, the police can't just come in and remove them. Even if, hypothetically, she used one illegally (at least in NY), when the prosecutor brought that case before a judge, there would have to be a request during the initial court proceedings to revoke the license on the other guns that weren't used in order for the police to be able to take possession of the other guns (the gun used illegally would be taken as arrest evidence, in accordance with the 4th Amendment).
My advice to you if you are trying to figure out a way to get those guns away from mom: do some research into her county on who is the licensing agency. For example, I had to apply to my County's Sherriff department for my license. So that's the agency that would have to start proceedings to revoke my license. You can probably google mom's resident county to find out how to get a gun license.
Then, contact that agency. Explain, calmly, what is going on. That you suspect mom has dementia, that she has been threatening you, that you are also IN FEAR that she is going to harm *someone else*. Tell them your primary goal is to get those guns away from mom, that you're NOT trying to make this into a domestic violence situation, because you are 9 hours away, and therefore in no immediate danger. This is an important point to make, because if it's not the local police that issue the license, you might be told to "contact the local police because it's a domestic violence situation". You're just telling them that she has been threatening you to show her state of mind. You need to find out how to get her license revoked so the guns can be taken away from her, and then she won't be a threat to anyone - including first responders!! - who might come to her home when she is in a medical crisis.
You don't say where mom lives. Depending on that, you might get some resistance from the licensing agency when you first call. That's ok. It's a sticky wicket to ask for someone's license to be revoked, be it driver's license or gun license. Licensing agencies have to walk a very fine line between people's individual rights and the safety of the general population. If you get resistance, politely but firmly start to ask to go up the "chain of command". If there is a process to obtain a license, then I assure you there is a process to revoke that license. Once the license is revoked, then arrangements can be made to go into mom's home and get the registered firearms. And at that point, since they will have due process to be able to enter the home, the agency removing the firearms can also look for any unlicensed firearms and remove them as well. It also puts mom more into "the radar" of the county agencies to see that she might need other intervention.
If you have anything you need me to clarify, feel free to PM me. I'll try to help as much as I can.
You live in a different state? Block her calls and let go. Every relationship has to have boundaries of self-protection, don't give up those boundaries.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Then I would surpass the local police. If they're making wellness checks and have not taken the guns away from a paranoid elder with dementia, then they're useless in this situation.
I would say make two phone calls.
1) To APS. Explain that your mother is a mentally ill, paranoid elder with dementia who's making threats, and lives alone in her home with guns. Make sure they know you live out-of-state and there's no family nearby for her to go to or who can help with caregiving.
2) Call the ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms). Tell them the same thing. That your paranoid, elderly mother with dementia has guns in the house and is making threats. You live out-of-state and there's no family nearby that can help with caregiving. Then tell them that the police haven't done anything about the guns and that you're afraid someone is going to get killed because someone is going to.
What is going to happen is your mother will get increasingly more paranoid as her dementia worsens. The situation will not stop at just threats to you and certain family members. Someone is going to get hurt or killed if your mother is allowed to continue living alone with guns.
Maybe the cashier at the grocery store gives her a dirty look. Or maybe the neighbors are "stealing" from her. Or the garbage men who pick up her trash every week are "spying" on her.
I'm so sure you know what will come next. Don't think for a minute that elderly people with dementia are harmless. They're often dismissed by others as simply being paranoid old fools with dementia that aren't a threat to anyone.
Your mother is dangerous. Maybe not immediately to you nine hours away. She is to everyone else and herself. There needs to be immediate intervention right now to get her help and to get the guns away from her.
https://www.pewtrusts.org/en/research-and-analysis/blogs/stateline/2021/10/05/red-flag-laws-are-saving-lives-they-could-save-more
Thank you for the websites!! I’m checking them out now.
The Red Flag Law is very informative and helpful, although it may be difficult if the parties live in different states.
I would suggest calling APS in her state, and give a detailed report of your concerns. Include the documentation you have of police visits, timeline of events/threats, list of weapons in the house, etc.
Police may have reported her to APS in past...but that material is confidential. You have a different perspective.
I think there is a high risk of harm to others....if she can see out her windows she can also shoot through them.
The police “visits” were wellness checks that I have placed. I do not know if she has dementia or not.
I read a California Sunday story about how a lady with dementia had threatened to kill her roommate in snf. The roommate just laughed it off as no one was in the position to hurt anyone.
However, you sensing there is a real situation here indicates that there is one. I would do the er social admit route to see if meds can mitigate the behavior, and if not, a placement.
Sorry you’re going thru this.
We live in different states, and unfortunately I know nothing about any of her doctors.
I'd call APS and report her as a vulnerable elder with GUNS and DEMENTIA who refuses to leave her home. Let them go there with the POLICE to assess the situation.
You say, "I think she is losing/lost her mind although she would deny that possibility." She can deny it all she wants but being angry, paranoid, making threats, "would always talk about “blowing someone’s brains out, drag him/her to her shed, and CHOP him/her up!!!” obvious is not normal behavior. She either has dementia or a mental health problem.
You say, "I have no intention of going anywhere near her. I’m glad we live in different states!" Do you really think she is going to get in the car and drive 9 hours to your location or hire someone to "drive her"? Because you "have no intention of going anywhere near her", it's hard to understand why you would contact her by phone? Her behavior is toxic.
Burntcaregiver gave you 2 good suggestions of who to call: APS and ATF. Does she live in a rural area? You may need to call the local Sheriff's Dept. When you called the local PD for a welfare checks, did you happen to mention her previous paranoid threats and the fact she owns SEVERAL firearms? If not, TELL THEM AGAIN. Get the officers' names who call you back with their "welfare check" results. Write down the date, time and these officers names. At this point you have put authorities "on notice" of a potentially dangerous individual with guns in their community. You are done.
Stop calling her or taking her calls. Maybe change your phone number. You say you don't get along. Why are you torturing yourself by contacting her? She told you she doesn't want help and wants to "die in her house." It's difficult because although you'll never go near her, you seem to still care about her either out of obligation or guilt. YOU need to figure out how this relationship is affecting YOU. Warn your son, any grandchildren or any relatives of her behavior. Myself, I would just leave her be.
Yikes. Mom is threatening and has guns. Scary.
If these guns are illegally owned, then the police can absolutely seize them. And also, mom likely gets arrested for illegal possession of a firearm.
But you say mom legally owns these guns.
So here's the problem: if your mom has a license to own these guns, the police can't just come in and remove them. Even if, hypothetically, she used one illegally (at least in NY), when the prosecutor brought that case before a judge, there would have to be a request during the initial court proceedings to revoke the license on the other guns that weren't used in order for the police to be able to take possession of the other guns (the gun used illegally would be taken as arrest evidence, in accordance with the 4th Amendment).
My advice to you if you are trying to figure out a way to get those guns away from mom: do some research into her county on who is the licensing agency. For example, I had to apply to my County's Sherriff department for my license. So that's the agency that would have to start proceedings to revoke my license. You can probably google mom's resident county to find out how to get a gun license.
Then, contact that agency. Explain, calmly, what is going on. That you suspect mom has dementia, that she has been threatening you, that you are also IN FEAR that she is going to harm *someone else*. Tell them your primary goal is to get those guns away from mom, that you're NOT trying to make this into a domestic violence situation, because you are 9 hours away, and therefore in no immediate danger. This is an important point to make, because if it's not the local police that issue the license, you might be told to "contact the local police because it's a domestic violence situation". You're just telling them that she has been threatening you to show her state of mind. You need to find out how to get her license revoked so the guns can be taken away from her, and then she won't be a threat to anyone - including first responders!! - who might come to her home when she is in a medical crisis.
You don't say where mom lives. Depending on that, you might get some resistance from the licensing agency when you first call. That's ok. It's a sticky wicket to ask for someone's license to be revoked, be it driver's license or gun license. Licensing agencies have to walk a very fine line between people's individual rights and the safety of the general population. If you get resistance, politely but firmly start to ask to go up the "chain of command". If there is a process to obtain a license, then I assure you there is a process to revoke that license. Once the license is revoked, then arrangements can be made to go into mom's home and get the registered firearms. And at that point, since they will have due process to be able to enter the home, the agency removing the firearms can also look for any unlicensed firearms and remove them as well. It also puts mom more into "the radar" of the county agencies to see that she might need other intervention.
If you have anything you need me to clarify, feel free to PM me. I'll try to help as much as I can.
Good luck.
See All Answers