What to do about Alzheimer's residents being mean to Mom?
Hello,
My mom is currently residing in a memory care facility that is excellent. The staff is well trained and are great with their residents. My concern is that mom has been telling me of a couple of ladies being mean to her verbally. I have had mom show me who it is, and she has consistently pointed out the same ladies. My kids, who often go see mom have witnessed these ladies being mean to mom and to them also. I have let the director know. I have asked mom what she does when this happens and she says she tries to stay away from them.
It is a challenge to keep mom from wanting to stay in her room, and the staff does very well with this. But, quite often when I go I find her in the room "laying down". She tells me if she us in her room that they are not mean to her.
I have addressed this with the staff, and they tell me mom does take a nap quite often, sometimes twice a day.
Mom is still telling me about these ladies. What else can I do?
Regularly bring in nighttime treats and go out of my way to make friends with the other residents especially those I know have few visitors and need a little attention - a bite size mounds bar is easy for someone to eat as it is soft and for those that can I've found peanuts in the shell are very comforting and keeps those that wander busy cracking shells for a good 15-20 minutes
Many of the younger Alz residents either get violent or come and pester my mom and touch her or her walker which sets her off - I've been there to intervene on some of these occasions but fear she will be hurt at some point - I have private caregivers with her 12 hours a day which I can't afford but that still leaves her vulnerable and she too will hide in her room for few of her own safety - her dementia thinks these folks are either drunk or dangerous
Last night after one man stood up and peed on the floor - no staff present - he came over and was going to take my moms walker - she is no shrinking violent and she grabbed it back and said don't touch it's mine - he of course reacted badly and she escalated - what chance does an old lady with limited mobility have against an 80 year old man ? Other men have come into her room and have grabbed her- gratefully my caregiver was there to intervene
My complaints to management have had limited response - they did fire one of their staff members recently as he was intentionally tormenting my mother to agitate her - I'm at my wit's end as there are few memory care facilities and this is a well known highly regarded facility
I don't know if a talk with these mean ladies would be effective (with dementia they are not apt to be able to learn) but I would interact with them briefly on each visit -- and have your kids do it, too. "Oh, Mary, that color is so becoming on you! It makes your eyes just sparkle." And while you are at it, interact with non-mean residents, too. Many residents are hungry for positive attention and it puts them in a kinder mood (at least for a little while.)
What exactly have family members witnessed? I would get that specific information and discuss it with the Director. Share your family's observation and ask what can be done.
I would keep in mind that your mother's account of things may not be accurate, as people with dementia often are mistaken about events and things that are said. This is where the witnesses observations would help.