What should I do when my husband says we have him locked up in the house?

I think that you have perhaps known for a while, Cheeky, that you are heading for a place where this is no longer manageable. You cannot change it and it will not be getting better. I am so sorry, but you may be looking at options for placement in the new year. This isn't sustainable, I think. Only you can decide for yourself. You really cannot reason with dementia.

My mother always referred to me as her mother, for at least 4 of the 6 yrs she suffered from dementia. Many believe the person who makes the decisions for them IS their parent.

When DH complains about being locked up in the house, tell him you are too! Where would he like to go? For a walk? To get ice cream?

Like Funky said, YOU enter HIS reality now and meet him there. If he says you're mom, you're mom. If he's locked up in the house, so are you, by choice. There are no prison bars on the doors or windows. Make light of all the nonsense. Until it begins to affect your health negatively and then you have decisions to make.

Best of luck to you.

In all due honesty, nothing. This is dementia and the only thing by getting further embroiled in these discussions he is not going to remember two minutes later is to detach yourself emotionally from these outbursts or dicussions. It leaves you frustrated, tired and angry. Give it a few minutes, and maybe ask if he would like a cup of tea, soda or something. If he persists, maybe take a break and work on some hobbies, read or watch your favorite TV program. Caregiving has to work for the caregiver. Usually when they are persistent with certain discussions and won't drop it, nine times out of ten they are caught up in a loop. They are trying to tell us something. What he could mean is that he feels trapped in his mind and body. Dementia takes away vocabulary and leaves very little for self expression. This is the problem with receptive and expressive aphasia. From our end, it's nothing more we can do. It's the progression of the disease. Some days may be better than others.

Have him checked for a UTI if these behaviors seem to be progressing rapidly.


I'm finding out that dealing with the older population and of all their demands and complaints is to be engaging but detached in the same manner. It's not that you don't care, but it is a learning curve to protect your own peace of mind while helping someone.

You can either just reassure him that he's not locked up, or you can just ignore it to the best of your ability.
You are now to the point where you have to meet your husband where he is at, and live in his world and quit expecting him to live in yours. Your life will be much better if you can remember that.
Plus I would recommend hooking up with a local caregiver support group that meets weekly, where you can share with others that are going through similar things to you. It always helps to know we're not alone in what we're going through.
There is nothing easy about dementia, and it sounds like you're not dealing well with it at all, and that can be very dangerous to you as 40% of caregivers will die before their loved one suffering from dementia from stress related issues.
So perhaps for your health's sake you may need to start looking into getting your husband placed in a memory care facility, where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out and stressed out caregiver.

Looks like time he went into full time care
in meantime maybe you could get some official help taking him out day to a park for fresh air / do you have anyone else to help ?
-all said- It sounds like you have reached all you can cope with. Speak to his doctor first advice -

Cheeky79: An individual suffering from dementia does not make the call to be "locked up." Ergo, he may require facility living in all honesty.

Hang in there for a couple more weeks, and Make That Doctor Appt Pivotal!
Tell the doctor that you can not safely meet his needs at home any longer and ask for a referral to a memory care facility.

I agree with AlvaDeer.

Don't let the doctor postpone action until a future appointment. Keep pushing. Ask what needs to be done for placement in a care facility.

In the meantime, try and have patience with your husband. Don't try and argue with him about where he is or anything he perceives to be true. It will only add to your frustration, and his.

If a severe, unmanageable event occurs, call 911 and have him taken to the ER. Don't keep your cool about it. Emphasize how unsafe he is or how unsafe you feel! And that you don't know what else to do! Once at the hospital, he should be evaluated by a neurologist and can be admitted to the hospital or to an appropriate care facility for his condition.

What happens if u can't afford fulltime care but you have to spend down to be eligible for medicade. How do you get them help even after home hospice says it is time for a NH?

Same thing here but his doctors don't care about him because he lies about everything! His problem is when I ask him a question he says I'm yelling! He is milking the dementia and uses it to get away with everything! Everything that he touches turns into a disaster! I was in the hospital and he was on his own for 4 days! My neighbor said he never seemed to care! He was outside like nothing happened! She and another neighbor were worried that I had died because the other neighbor saw me in the ambulance when she came home! Nothing bothers him except when I ask him questions! He says that I yell at him which is crazy! He supposedly pretends he can't hear me. I have to give him instructions and correct his actions like a toddler! He has never told the truth about anything and now he's even worse! He tells me and my daughter that we are liars! He stamps his feet like a toddler and tries to break my fingers or hand and stomp on my feet like he's crushing a cigarette! When I came home from the hospital I asked him to help me write a check for my car's registration! He sat across from me and my hand was shaky after being given several medications! I told him to take his time and print so it was legible! He repeated every line and put the check in the envelope and out into our box to be picked up! Six weeks later still no registration! I had just gotten a new printer so I went on line and paid by cc! I noticed the check was cashed last week! He wrote the check on September 24th and he dated it November 24th? He doesn't know what month we are in! He got mad at me and said I was lying that he knew what month it is! He brought his blanket to me! I said does it need to be washed? He said it's yours I wouldn't know! I told him it's yours! He looks at me like I'm insane and said now who has a problem? You know it's your blanket! He has lost two doctors, a counselor, Neurologist and even his Psychiatrist are fed up with him! Last December 22nd he totaled my car and we got sued because he made a left hand turn in busy traffic! He convinced some doctors that he was fine driving even though his Geriatric doctor wanted his license revoked! You are lucky you can go with your husband to doctor visits! I was told by his Geriatric doctor to move him out! He put on his comments on the portal that I took over his visits! So after that I would give the front desk a note to give to the doctor! His last visit 10/24 I said he's still driving and he's not taking his meds! His notes read she gave me a note about him driving and not taking his meds! He denied both so I don't know who to believe! After his accident I answered his comments he totaled two cars and we're getting sued so I guess you should have been listening to me!
I wish you the best! This last year there was a water leak that went undetected until it got severe! There are still repairs needed between the insurance and me getting sick! I feel so isolated from the world! I only drive a couple times a month because I am so sick from Lyme! He is here but the home nurses that were here said they were very concerned about him and how he acts! I have not slept in my bed upstairs since September when I got sick! I told them that I could be dead upstairs and he'd never care! A home visit Vet that came to my house for my dogs too noted that he seemed animated in his actions! He wants everyone to think I'm a liar and everything is good with him! He is a stranger to me! He has no concerns about me and would love it if I dropped dead! 55 years on 12/6 and he never said a word! My neighbor said she could cry the way he treats me! I know if he goes into a facility I will never visit him! I am trying to get my health better so I can start putting plans together!

I understand how you feel! Stay strong!

You cannot reason with, and there is no point in arguing with, dementia.

My FIL claimed that we held him HOSTAGE (that was the word he used every single time) at home. If we did manage to get him out of the house (which was rare because of his size and his mobility issues) he would quite literally STOP people in restaurants or in the doctors office and tell them that his family was holding him hostage and that he needed help.

We got to the point where we perfected the slightly closed eyes and barely imperceptible head shake that let everyone else know what reality was.

The biggest reason that trying to reason with or argue with someone with dementia is just a huge waste of energy is that they live in a different reality. If you can succeed in getting them to see your point, they will almost certainly forget it immediately. If you are trying to get them to understand why they can't do something, you are treading on their freedom and their autonomy, which most adults will fight tooth and nail for. If you say the sun is up, they will almost certainly argue that it is not, if they perceive you trying to tell them they are wrong. You cannot win.

Unfortunately, I think if someone lives long enough with dementia, there comes a time where their care just becomes too much for their loved ones. It is absolutely not any indication of the caregiver's ability to take care of them. Usually they have been doing more than humanly possible for far too long. There are just some things that one person cannot manage alone. And there are just some things that a home, where people have to sleep, are just not equipped to deal with. Escapism, potential violence, not recognizing the caregiver are all very real issues.

And as others have mentioned, it may be time to consider other options. You are still managing their care, just not as hands on - because you are getting the help you need. You are supplementing the care with people who are AWAKE, 24/7 and it is their sole job to provide care. If someone is sick, there is someone else there. If your loved one is trying to escape, there are mechanisms in place to protect them. If they get agitated, there are immediate medications that can be administered. These are all things that aren't really available to a single caregiver trying to do it all.

My thoughts - for what they are worth. He is getting worse, fast. You are burnt out. He doesn't always recognize you. Lots of changes. You need to take stock not only in the changes happening with HIM.

Assess your own health. Your physical and mental health. Are you getting sick more often (but not having time to take care of yourself)? Are you losing your temper more easily? Do you have days you just would love to runaway? Those are all signs you need help.

This is not going to improve. You know that. Its time to consider the current situation and what that means for the future.