Mom has run out of the funds used to supplement her Social Security income, which does not cover the expenses of living in the assisted living facility she has called home for 4+ years. I'm told by my sibling that she does not qualify for Medicaid. I am limited as to options and am considering moving her into my home, which will be VERY different for her. I work 8-5, but am 2 miles from home. I'm searching for adult day care resources and trying to understand what Medicare will cover in regard to home health aides. This will involve moving her to another state; however, in the last 2 years, I am the only one she has seen face-to-face for a majority of that time. She does not love her living situation and I'm hopeful that living with me will improve that outlook for her. Yet, I know I may feel a target on my back, as I have seen my sibling experience the same whenever things in Mom's world aren't understood by her and she simply feels restricted and forgotten. So, what am I going to experience that I may not have any clue is coming down the pike?
Then there’s the doctors appointments, and the shopping. The depends. The falls.
One day it might not be just a uti, but actual dementia. She’ll get 100 times worse.
Why put the target on your own back?
You are "told by" a sibling that mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid?
Why is that?
Do you have POA for finances and Health care for your mom?
Why would you undertake her care if you don't have a full understanding of her finances and health?
What will you do if, after you've moved her in, you discover you can't leave her alone?
Can you afford to quit your job and care for her with no income coming in?
Settle ALL of these issues (what her health is like, what she qualifies for, how much she will pay for rent and caregiving) BEFORE she moves in.
Please.
First of all: you think your sister may not have explained to your mother that your mother's (supplemental) money has run out. Your sister says that your mother does not qualify for Medicaid. Your sister has experienced the rough end of the stick when your mother feels restricted and forgotten (I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean by this, but I get the gist I think). So either your sister has POA for your mother but is not informing your mother; or your sister does NOT have POA for your mother and has a headache from trying to manage regardless; and your sister steers clear of your mother while you see your mother face-to-face but, I imagine, not for long or very often...
It's got "hot mess" written all over it. And you want to take it home?
Are you on good terms with your sister?
You need:
- a detailed financial assessment
- all the information about day care and in-home support options beforehand, and not after she's moved in
- to consider ALFs near you
- a detailed care needs assessment
And with those things then you can think about it.
So what does your sister plan to do next, if indeed it is within her authority to do anything? How, why, did it become up to you to plan the next move?
Sure family steps up and looking into help for her qualifies as stepping up. Sacrificing your life....and that is exactly what you are proposing...is not part of stepping up.
Period.
Family "steps up" in an emergency to advocate, arrange and facilitate. Not to have their lives hijacked.
BUT, go talk to a CELA first, naturally, and don't take our word for anything! This is just something I'm telling you from personal experience, after having used POA for my parents since 2014, cashed out their life savings (in stocks) and used that $$$ to finance their care in AL ever since. Mom was due to run out of $$$ in August and I was going to apply for Medicaid at that time, but she wound up passing away in February. All she would have had left was her SSI monthly and her VA Aid & Attendance widow's benefits which weren't enough to finance her $7K a month costs in Memory Care AL.
So, what are you going to experience having mom live with you that you haven't a clue about? Tons of things, TONS and TONS of things. Loss of privacy being the #1 thing, and being responsible for another human being 100% like it was when we were first mothers back in the day (if you were in that position, IDK). It's an overwhelming feeling, to say the least. PLEASE let mom spend all of her annuity funds to finance her care in AL and have her own place, her own autonomy, and you can continue living your own life, having your own ONE full time job instead of TWO, and that's that. Speak to the lawyer and get the scoop about what to do after she runs out of $$$$, and go from there. By then, she may need a lot of help with ADLs (activities of daily life) and she'll be more than ready for Skilled Nursing.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with Plan B & C to keep mom living in AL for as long as possible.
To answer your posted question, Medicare has a home bound program that will allow your mom a weekly nurse visit and a couple of visits per week from a CNA for baths. PT, OT and speech therapy can be provided as needed. Home based blood draws, urine tests etc can be done. But your mom may be beyond this stage of care and being home alone during the day after being in an ALF might be especially lonely for her. It might work for awhile but you would soon be needing to find alternate arrangements. I would drill down on exactly where mom is on her needs and her finances. Those are the two factors that she must meet to qualify for Medicaid. She must be medically in need and financially in need. If she has more income than the state limit, there are usually ways around that. Again, the rules and procedures are different depending on the state. The bigger problem will be is if her POA has used her funds in a way that delays her acceptance by Medicaid. You won’t know until you see the response from the Medicaid application as to what the problem is. Don’t assume anything, just deal with the facts. I would not delay meeting with the attorney if mom is low on finances. A good attorney well versed in Medicaid can be expensive but well worth the cost if they get mom placed where she can be cared for.
Make sure you get moms POA if she is cognitively able to assign. Don’t leave that with the sibling if you are in effect taking over the management of her care. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
If she does not qualify for Medicaid, that means she has some remaining assets which need to be spent on her care before she qualifies for Medicaid.
Medicare will not help with living costs or adult day care
Your mother should be in a care facility with a full staff that can meet her needs.
Your husband's mother should be too. At your age (68) you shouldn't have be dealing with all this.
Don't rely on what your sibling says about Medicaid coverage. Talk to them yourselves.
I've never heard of Medicaid paying for an assisted living facility. They do pay for nursing homes and LTC though.
Medicare will not pay for your mother to have the number of caregiving hours she will need. They will not pay for someone to stay with her while you're away at work nine hours a day or more.
Your mother was in AL for a reason. Don't move her into your house. Please think it over a little more.
Here is what you most likely have coming if mom moves in.
-Quitting your job. Maybe right now can be left alone for short periods of time like length of a tv program. That will change fast once she's with you. You're her child so expect to become a nanny-slave to her every need and demand. Hopefully she has enough income to cover adult day care or full-time aides because Medicare only pays for a few hours of homecare a week, and they don't pay for daycare.
-No respite and no privacy. As mom grows more needy and demanding her feelings of being restricted and forgotten will grow a hundred times worse because you're her child. She will expect you to be by her side 24hours a day. Then resent you if you're not cheerful and smiling every moment. Don't expect any sibling help either. No helping to pay for homecare aides and no taking mom for a few days to give you a break.
-You may also get some attention-seeking behavior too. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but I am saying it's very common. Elderly people can get very demanding and selfish if they're not the center of attention or the top priority in someone's life. So keep an eye out for things like fabricated health crises and even some staged "falls" to get attention.
-Be prepared to take on the role of scapegoat too. Not guaranteed, but very common. When mom misplaces something which she may have had fifty years ago or not at all, you stole it. You threw it away. You're taking her money. You're abusing her. You're starving her.
Be prepared for all of this.
I've been in homecare for almost 25 years and I will be honest with you. I have seen many families ruined and marriages broken up because a needy, elderly parent moves in.
A parent living with adult children can work out if the parents or parent start off independent and can contribute to the household and family. Like helping with childcare or doing chores. That's different than when you move them in because they're needy and elderly.
-Be prepared to no longer have a parent/adult child relationship. This happens often when a person has to become a caregiver to a parent. You stop being a son or daughter and become an employee to them.
Please think it over more. Medicaid will pay for LTC or memory care. Please explore these options before you decide anything.
please OP listen to all the warnings. hug!
Read the post from BurntCaregiver, then read it again, and again until you realize you will lose any sense of normal life. It will be swallowed up in her increasing needs. AND...DO NOT take the word of the sibling who says she does not qualify for Medicaid, find out for yourself if it's true. Maybe it's just that the AL she is in does not take Medicaid, you just need all the facts, and not from an unhelpful sibling.
and:
“you just need all the facts, and not from an unhelpful sibling.”
yes!
non-helping (totally non-helping) siblings are generally not trustworthy. why? (1) they’re willing to sacrifice you (you’re left searching for the facilities, etc., doing everything; they do nothing). someone willing to sacrifice you is not to be trusted. (2) a non-helping sibling doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
You are about to step into the unknown. You are a very unselfish, loving daughter who cares & loves her parent. But if you take her in your life will change drastically! Not for the good. I am doing it now. It’s the most stressful thing I could of ever done. You will stay tired. Have zero time for yourself. Your brain will never turn off because you will always have to figure out solutions for her and work. If you have a significant other you will have no energy or time for that. Plus, that doesn’t included whatever her health issues are. I love my Dad to pieces, but its too much for me as I am disabled but working as SSI isn’t enough to live on. I have zero support from 5 siblings, no relief other than now he goes to daycare which he complains daily about. He now has home health that come once he’s out of daycare until I arrive home. If you want a life don’t bring her to live with you as everyone else has said let the insurance run out to place her on Medicaid. Do what you can beforehand as Medicaid is a process. Caring for a loved one is no joke! Some days, I feel like I am merely existing and not living. I get up do for him, get him out the door lay back down for 2 hrs if I don't have to be on the phone handling things for him or myself which rare for myself. I go to work return to do things for him and by the time I can lay down its late to get up to do it again. It’s a non-stop job. All the while he complains he's not a child. He can do what he wants. When in actuality he is somewhat a child. His memory goes in and out. If I make it through this. I hope to be able to share my experiences to help someone else.
Best of Luck & prayers as you will need it.
Hopefully, you'll find a place where they can offer programs and activities to include her in. Isolation is a big detriment; many families choose to "forget" their elders, so care facilities can offer activities and friendships for the taking. Perhaps Mom can try them out on respite care?????
Good luck and my prayers to you.
🙏🏽🙏🏽
If you do not have IRIS check into what is available in your state. That is the best program here because they allow the person receiving the care to be in charge. They are treated like a human being and their wishes are what comes first. I wish you and your mother all the best!!! God Bless you both!