What can I do when my mother refuses to help herself?

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What can I do when my mother refuses to help herself?

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my mother is 67 years old and has been hospitalized 3-4 times in the last year due to falls. She lives alone and my sisters and I are not only physically incapable of providing her with 24/7 care we are beyond frustrated that we are expected to do so because she simply will not do what she needs to in order to be self sufficient. Currently, my youngest sister is with her and has been for almost a month now. She told me earlier "mom won't let me leave" stating a few different reasons why she "can't". We are tired of this cycle and at a loss as to what to do.

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As hard as it might be, you tell her that you are no longer physically, mentally or emotionally able to care for her anymore. Then you let her become a ward of the state. If that seems to harsh, tell her what you can and cannot do and if she choose to not accept it, that is her problem.

There’s a fine line in caregiving between helping and enabling. In my experience, and I am certain many others, you give an inch and they take a mile. It’s important to have clear cut boundaries of what you can and cannot do and what hours you are and are not available. Otherwise, you will get completely taken advantage of.

67 is very young to need such bands on caregiving. Can we have some background?

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The first time she fell she herself told me she had fallen trying to get back onto her bed, but I found out recently from my oldest sister that was a lie and that she had been abusing not only her perscibed chalonapin (spelling) but had also been getting xanax from my youngest sister. I personally feel that the root of this is alot of depression going back almost 7 seven years when we lost my dad to cancer, she has not moved on from this and then we were delivered more desestation April 1st when my previously mentioned youngest sister passed from an overdose. I personally feel like she (mom) has given up. She's let her health deteriorate to the point of needing a walker just to walk down the hall to the bathroom and that is the only time she even moves from her chair.

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My LO was discharged home following a hospitalization and a rehab stint for PT/OT. Upon arriving home, she basically was dependent on me for everything. Yes, I had agreed to help her but it rapidly became a case of me offering a hand .... and her taking my whole arm. To this day, I will never know how much of it was her saying to herself "I legit cannot do this task" and how much of it was her saying to herself "You're here - you do it for me." She was an entitled person even when "well", so I will never know the truth. She adamantly refused to consider facility care, all while demanding more and more of my time/energy. I simply could no longer do it. I could not lift her, I could not effectively manage her incontinence, medication management, shopping, cooking/portioning, talking to doctors, taking her to doctor's appts, putting her to bed at night, responding to falls, financial management, arranging in-home care(which was self pay and she could only afford a few hours a day - which was not even every day and was not nearly enough). I could go on all day about all that was expected of me. It was not sustainable, but she insisted I keep helping. I was scared to walk away because I knew the likelihood was high that it would rapidly get worse and she was having falls as well. I was scared to leave, but could not realistically continue as her needs where too great and I was only 1 person. My chance to step away safely was when she was a 911 back to the hospital after a fall. Back to rehab for more PT/OT - after which rehab facility wanted to discharge her back to me. I said NO. I said she is not safe with just me as the need is too great and I cannot meet all needs. I was so broken by that time and was probably not safe to even care for myself... let alone another person. That was how I stopped enabling. She's been a permanent nursing home resident ever since and is getting the 24/7 care that her medical needs require.

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Sounds like the exact same cycle, fall, hospital stay, hospital discharges to a facility for IP PT/OT, facility discharges her back home. The time before this most recent there was a nurse and a PT/OT that was coming out to her home and she called and canceled!

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As long as you and your sisters remain at her beck and call she will never have to do for herself. You all need to stop enabling her.
67 years old is awful young to be needing so much help. If she's not able to care for herself then she needs to move into the appropriate facility as she could live another 30+ years. Are you all up for this to continue for that long?
And if she doesn't have the money, then she needs to apply for Medicaid. You nor your sisters should be spending your hard earned money on her, as you will all need that for yourselves as you age.
You and your sisters are all grown ups and need to learn to set boundaries and say NO to the woman who is using you all.
You can do this!

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I agree with you 100%, but what do you do when you can't force her and the hospital won't?

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First of all, if your youngest sister is over the age of 18 mom she does not need mom's permission to leave. She can go anytime she wants and should.
It sounds like she is the chief enabler. Your mother's abusive neediness is how she manipulates your sister and the rest of you to cater to her demands. Its the same manipulative behavior that alcoholics and drug addicts use with their enablers so they can stay active in their addictions.
You and your siblings need to have a meeting without your mother present.
If homecare is an option for mom, arrange it. Then all of you go together and tell her homecare is starting for her and your sister is leaving.
If she starts with the abusive neediness and the refusal to help herself on any level, explain what the alternative is.
She goes into a nursing home. None of you are going to live as enablers and care slaves because mom wants it that way.
It doesn't work like that and she must be made to understand that this is not going to happen.

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My mom didn’t help herself, and all the talks, nagging , fighting led nowhere. Made me the caregiver, not the daughter.If I had to do it over again , I would not fight the battle…

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Exactly, its no win. No reasoning, no amount of telling her actual fact, none of it. All we get are excuses.

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You are "enabling" her. That isn't good. You need to withdraw your help and support and leave her with the 911 number. She is far too young for this to be happening. As Beatty here often says, "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions."
You need to tell your mother that these falls at her age are NOT normal and she needs a medical checkup. However, though you might lead the horse to water, that doesn't insure she'll drink. And there is nothing you can do to change her EXCEPT to withdraw your support.

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You are absolutely right and I have told my younger, I'm sorry I said youngest in my initial posting, sister that, but she let's mom guilt her and convince her to stay literally the "mom won't let me leave".

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I am sorry about the loss of your Father & Sister too.

"I personally feel that the root of this is alot of depression going back almost 7 seven years when we lost my dad to cancer". Also,
"I personally feel like she (mom) has given up."

Trust your gut instincts - you are probably spot on.
Grief is real & can certainly impact mental & physical health.

Point out to Mom, it's OK to seek help. She can start with her local Doctor for a HONEST chat, about her struggles, what meds she has been taking, then hopefully this leads to a depression screen test, a medication review & referrals for psychology/counselling.

Point out this is the BRAVE to do. That this is chance to change her pathway.

The above is Part #1: Suggest.

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I have been telling her for YEARS literally years, even before my dad passed that I thought she needed to talk to someone. She tells me I'm right and yet won't do it

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I want to thank all of you for your answers and input. I am just very frustrated with the situation and have been trying to find the best way to avoid the worst case scenario. Its nice to know I'm not being unreasonable by refusing to essentially put my life on hold and that I am not the only one who sees this as enabling.

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If mom is taking both Klonipin and Xanax--that's a problem. They are both benzodiazepenes and both are highly addictive, Plus they are a 1+1=3 kind of drugs. Ok alone, but dangerous when mixed.

She may need to be on ONE of them, but not both.

7 years of grieving is sad beyond words. Of course, grief is personal as it gets, but at some point, you do have to say "Mom, you need to move on".

My grandmother lost her precious husband when he was 62. I was 7 and thought he was SOOO old. Now I'm 66 and realize how very young he was. Literally had just retired and died about a month after retiring.

My grandmother was sp gracious and private in her grief. She lived as a widow for 36 years. Almost longer than she was married. I asked her once how she handled this devastation with such dignity and she said "When you have lost the thing you love most, nothing else can touch you. I chose a life that kept me busy and interested. My grief is my own." (She was fabulously in tune with life, w/o drugs or therapy or anything. She was just tough.)

Nobody put their life on hold for her. She was independent to the end and showed us by example how to hold your head up and not wallow in sadness.

Your mom has suffered losses, and I don't mean to dismiss the pain she feels, but we are all in a constant flux of new life and also death. Handling both with dignity is hard, but certainly can be done.

You should NOT put your life on hold for mom. Oddly enough, my grandmother spent MANY years shoring up my mother who NEVER got over losing her dad when she was 32. Probably never occured once to mom that grandma lost the love of her life---mom wasn't able to 'adult' really, ever again. Grandma lived her life fully.

Everyone is very, very different.

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She was not prescribed both, sorry if I caused confusion there. She was only perscibed a very low dosage of Klonipin (5mg) and said even that made her feel "loopy". I do not believe that she is taking either now and if she is it is being completely monitored by my oldest sister and is only her original dosage of the Kolnipin

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"Mom doesn't want "help", she'll call it that, but what she really wants is someone to be at her 24/7 becon call".

Let's look at that:
Doesn't want help.
Yet wants help.
🤔

Denial? Lack of insight? Congnitive decline in processing & judgement?

Or the fantasy 🦄
If my family do things for me, that doesn't count as REAL help. Family is ME. So family helping me is still ME doing it. Therefore I must still be independent.

Fuzzy edges to what is me to what are your kids.. or spouse or whoever.

Once I see this I ramp up the message of You vs Me. YOU may decide XYZ. That's up to YOU.

My LO kept cancelling aides. Why? Because they didn't need the help. Because family could come instead. But deep down they must had known they needed help (as if not would have merely sat there unfed & unwashed etc not calling anyone).

My message is YOU cancel at YOUR choice. However this does not mean family come instead. You cancel your help equals no help.

Do you think this sort of magical thinking/fantasy is going on?

If so, keep reminding Mom who you are. I am your daughter. I am not your maid.

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I don't think its a fantasy way of thinking at all, she knows exactly what she's doing. At this point it a matter of this is "to hard" so I'm not going to do it or I'm going to get someone else to do it for me.

She doesn't want to put forth the effort to get better for that reason, its to hard, it takes effort.

What can I do when my mother refuses to help herself?

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