Back again. I had posted two previous topics in the last months about my mom suddenly coming down with what seemed like dementia/another stroke (after having had one in 2012, paralyzed entire left side of her body) and me, and practically only me, having been her caretaker 24/7 the past 5 years.
Finally got her to the hospital and sorted out, got her to a rehab center. Everything went/was going well, even the whole having to be there for Christmas issue. Most of my family showed up and spent a few hours with her to the point she got so overwhelmed after about 2 hours she said we could go and she wanted to get some rest (completely unlike her, normally she'd be bargaining with some of us to stay/get her out) so it went a lot better than expected and thought she was getting more comfortable there. Plus it probably helped that I've been there pretty much every single day/night until around 9 - 10pm since she's been in this condition/recovery.
Fast-forward about a week ago, she's gotten significantly better but still seems like she can't stand or sit up on her own properly (she did this stuff perfectly before she got sick, was even able to transfer herself from bed to chair and such half the time.) According to her worker a lot of the more demanding therapy (the stuff that would get her to stand and such again) she was refusing to do so they discontinued it, and said she's still on RNA (bed-related therapy) but believe she's gotten as good as/far as she can with it.
Case worker wants to discharge her in the next month but the question is where. Right now we're weighing our options, talking to family, and deciding if it's going to be home or in some facility. Obviously, the initial plan and what we wanted was to get her home but if she can't stand or do even half the things she did before I don't know how I can. I honestly don't know if I can still lift/help her up at the point (I'm worried and guessing it's most likely a no, since the nurses seem to have a hard time doing it as a group) I was at my limits taking care of her on my own before with her slight independence, I have no idea how I'll be able to with her still current weakness and being in bed majority of the time, I'm not even strong even to turn her on my own to make sure she doesn't get any bed-related illness if that is the case.
And now it seems like it's all coming down to me, basically an ultimatum from everyone including my family: Well if you want to try and take care of her in this condition (me, by myself) then she can go home otherwise no.
I don't know what to do and am emotionally and mentally destroyed by it all, of course I'd want to take her home but not if my ability to take care of her is now severely limited. On top of it I went to see a Dr for my chronic, daily back pain where I wake up in excruciating pain every morning (had it about 3 years now, finally had the time to go with her currently in PT) and I haven't gone to see any specialist to confirm but it doesn't sound good, including no lifting over 20lbs while this all gets sorted as to not risk further damage.
I've never wanted her to be unhappy or in a home, that's why I've given up my entire life thus far to take care of her, but it seems like it's gotten to a point that I PHYSICALLY cannot do it anymore. I haven't and don't know how I'd even begin to tell her I can't take care of her anymore. The affect it's having on my health is no help, constant anxiety/feeling like I'm going to have panic attack when I even consider it, wanting to turn to drinking (never been a drinker, have barely ever touched alcohol in my life) just to get some kind of escape from the horrific emotion and mental toll it's taking on me. I feel like I'm going absolutely insane, and we (or I guess I) haven't even come to a decision yet.
I don't understand how anyone is able to come/make this decision, how they're able to handle it, because I haven't even made it yet and feels like it's already about to cause my death.
Find a facility that has happy residents and caregivers, and place your mom there, that's my suggestion. And think of it in a positive light instead of as a 'bad thing' you're doing.........you are actually doing her a FAVOR! Focus on your own health & well being so you can ditch the horrific emotional & mental toll you've been suffering. You deserve to!!
Best of luck!
You have EARNED that name! You have done so much already. You can’t risk an injury to your back. Then you won’t even be able to take care of yourself, let alone your mother.
Just the the fact that you are agonizing over this tells me how deeply you care for her. She is blessed to have such a loving daughter.
I don’t think you have any other choice but to seek outside help. It must devastating to be in your position. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing the very best that you can. Vent anytime. We are here to listen and hopefully help in some capacity.
Guilt implies wrong doing, you are doing nothing wrong by protecting yourself and getting her the professional help she needs.
You are caring for her by putting her in expert hands. Sometimes, you have to detach, in order to do right by and for. That is what I have found, anyway.
It is a hard thing to do, no doubt. But it's not the worst thing that could happen. You could injure yourself to a degree that would make visiting her impossible or worse yet, you could die and then who would be her advocate and daughter?
Guilt implies wrong doing, you are doing nothing wrong by protecting yourself and getting her the professional help she needs.
I didn't even have a relationship with my dad and I bawled like a baby, but I knew it was the best solution for all of us.
If your family is in agreement right now on getting her more help than you can do for her, isn't that a really good time to do it?
If your mom moves to a nice place where there are round the clock people awake and able to help her with her physical needs, you could come and visit and be the daughter/friend again; how does that sound?