Catching myself thinking that it would be better if my elderly parents passed away & then feeling terrible for these thoughts. Anyone else?

Gosh, I thought I had responded to this, but it appears not, so I will add my dime: Yes, I have had these thoughts, regularly, They make me feel guilty, but I know that too is normal. But I know the load I carry, as I turn senior and have had a major near death health issue myself from wanting to do such a good/best job for my folks, for all they have done for me and then some, has taken a toll. If I dare to complain others are quick to respond with suggestions that I do not feel are a good fit for our circumstances. I also am reminded of a dear friend whose mother left before she had to be more of a caregiver, by committing suicide. Her words long ago were no matter how much they drive you crazy, you still miss them when they're gone. So many of my friends have lost their parents and I know I am lucky to have mine at almost 104 and 99. But now I must prioritize my own well-being. Every day it seems as if my father makes MORE work for me and he is inept and clueless. A week back mom lost control of her bowels on a rug on the kitchen floor and HE left the house for me to find it. Eventually had her soiled pants to scrub poop out of. I also had taken the gel mat and the rug she pooped on that covered/protected it, into the locked laundry room, and he found some ants in there and sprayed raid. RIGHT next to a pile of MY clothes which I will not be able to wear again until it all has the stench of raid washed out of it. I HATE HIM at this moment. THere are days he is MORE of a problem than my mother. HE hold me responsible for the poop messes because I arranged for meals on wheels weekdays. Mind you he would get his own lunch...typically a bowl of cereal, but never consider doing that for her offering, or getting her anything. So he bellows (because he is deaf) that she is pooping (or in his crude terms "crapping") that it is due to TOO MUCH FOOD, unable to comprehend that it is either a physical change and/or dementia. And I am left to worry because of his ignorance as to what will happen to me when both are gone as he has basically divided the estate equally between my only sibling and myself. She left 18+ years ago claiming to not like winter, but has alleviated any responsibilities for sharing the care. IF in her hands, she would toss them both into a nursing home or assisted living, sell the house (so I would be homeless as I can't survive on my part time wages) as well as my pup who is my support system, and be done with it all. I have fantasies of putting them on a plane and sending them both down to FL to live with her and see how long she lasts! On top of it, she blamed me for my health emergency and does not appreciate all that I do. Her offer to help was to take over the bill paying, the simplest task of all. She wouldn't lift a finger to provide any physical laborious task. Others wonder how I do it, and I wonder myself, but basically take it one day at a time, count my blessings, appreciate the words and what I learn here from others. I was considering someone to come in and help clean their spaces, but I do not think it's worth taking a covid risk, vaccinated or not. One day at a time. Hugs to all. In the end I would rather this than to have the immaturity and irresponsibility of my sibling who claims she doesn't need anyone to care about her. She does call 2x a week to tell my father she loves him. And he is a sucker for it. And as for ME getting help...I tried, and might again, but I contacted 2 therapists seen some years back, short term, and both had the same excuse: they were cutting back on their hours, or limiting the scope of their practice, not taking on any new people...they destroyed any trust I might have placed in them. One even suggesting I get a referral from my insurance company! Might as well close my eyes, take out the yellow pages and point to a name. Seem to have my sibling's ethics/morals. Karma is about:-) God and Karma bless all of us!

Well, I just wrote a huge post about feeling this way, on the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group page.

The other people in the group ALL said that they have these thoughts.

I pray DAILY for my mom to go to Heaven.

You are not alone.

Please do not give up hope! What you are feeling is normal, but there are many who believe that there are cures that are about to be revealed. Praying for all those who are suffering now. You are not alone! God will see us through this.

If it helps, my mother is 87 and I know that I can handle her passing. Her mother lived to 97 and if my mother lives that long I will go insane. It's 100% normal for you to have these feelings. There are days where I just wish it was over so that I can have some peace and quiet and I can stop grinding my teeth at night. I never had kids and I think for caregivers that never had children it's much harder. No one gives you a manual on how to raise children and no one give you a manual on how to care for your parents. I'm 10 years minimum from retiring and I have explained to my mother at least 20 times why I can't retire yet. I know that If I did retire she would want me to move in with her. Back in January I had to take my mom to the ER for something minor and I remember just thinking if they take her to surgery just let her die in a nice clean hospital.

Out of curiosity - is there something in particular you would like to do? (with your career?) Don't feel terrible and you've come to the right place. It's not that you want them to 'die'.....you just want things to be 'right'.....

The reason I asked about your career is - I wondered if it was possible you could

1. - Return to school for career

2. - Work for your parents as a paid caregiver

A. Are either of your parents or yourself Veterans?
B. Medicare/Medicaid(sp) - may be able to assist if not Veterans (with the financial impact of caregiving)
C. If either of them qualify for PT/OT, etc., that can be scheduled (for them) at home and someone will come to the house.
D. Adult Day care (is sometimes free depending on where)

Not sure if any of this is helpful?

I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing and then feel guilty.
My mother is 97, unable to care for herself and I do not have the facilities to care for her in my home. She was in assisted living but over the past two years she has become more frail and has had many falls. I finally had to move her to skilled care. I know in the past when we spoke about my mother in law (who was at that time 97) my mom stated she hoped she didn't live that long.
She is nearly blind, hearing is very bad and now in the past few months has become increasingly confused over things. Covid severely curtailed her and I know she is bored out of her mind. She just lays in bed all day waiting for me to visit. I do when I can but the SNF she is in has at times restricted visits due to cover. On top of that it is $10,500. a month and she is running out of money. I have no money at all and am barely subsisting on Social Security. She is not aware of the finances because I don't want her to worry.
Whe I become aware of thinking that way I stop and think what exactly is it that makes me feel that way. Worry over finances, knowing that your parents don't want to feel useless or you just want to get on with your life? I stop and think it through and then just let it go. Feeling guilty will only make it worse.

Wen my parents were alive, and especially when my dad was terminal with Mesothelioma, I wished it many times a day.

Before my Mom passed, I was inundated with thoughts such as you are experiencing, and it tugged on my mind constantly. However, I was doing the caregiving alone for 4 year and I was at my wits end and strangely, I was okay when she passed. She was in a better place and so was I. It may sound selfish or harsh to some, but the responsibility that was lifted off my shoulders was tremendous, and she no longer suffered from the grip of Alzheimer's.
Some people pre-grieve, some think about how better it would be if
their loved ones were to pass, and others contemplate suicide. Caregiving will
suck the life right out of you. My Mom's been gone for 6 months and dealing
with all the trustee duties can be just as grueling as caregiving and I am
still trying to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time, but she's not suffering,
and I have my life back! Good Luck and Stay Healthy..

To be honest, not me, gave up lots to make moms last years comfortable as possible, she had significant age related issues, and never once thought it to be better or sooner over.

I’m watching my mom slowly die. Yes, it’s a slow suffer. But it is also suffering for me as well. I’d prefer God takes her home, give her rest. She’s had a great long life. There’s no quality of life in her current condition. And so, daily I pray to God for her suffering to end.

In response to anyone who is taking care of a parent that they are not capable ,OR willing to take care of, whether that is mentally or physically, you have a CHOICE. If you are not able to take care of that person for ANY reason you are not doing them any good, or yourself any good continuing to do so. Dont play the victim card. No one will give you a medal for being a martyr .Find another way. Maybe a care facility or full time in home care.There are options!

Of course you have those feelings and this is the place to air them. Other people who haven’t gone though this will think we are terrible but I remember thinking of how Hansel and Gretel pushed the witch into the oven.. it made me laugh. I would never do any such thing but it is clear as human beings we have strong feelings when stressed to the gills.

yes I do my grandma is so evil racist and hateful. She causes so much unnecessary drama and being the caregiver was the worst experience of my life. She treated me like a nothing slave. I was working overtime hours and my family refused me to quit working. I was treated like nothing by my family and her. They wanted me to mow, sweep the roof, do dangerous handiwork. The worse part is they didn’t ask me if I wanted to move in or be her caregiver. I came home one day and they talked to my boyfriend without speaking to me and he said yes. The thing is they only told him that we were only moving in to keep her company. They knew that I would have to be her caregiver. I told my mom I didn’t want to move in and she said fine she would talk to her mom. The next week she had a stroke it was like I never told them no and the whole family pressured me to be her caregiver saying I would get two days off a week and get paid and they would hire a caregiver. All of a sudden my sister disappeared and then the two days I was supposed to be off my sister show up at the door and said that mom said I can help her take the boys shopping for school and it would be chill. It was stressful because she wanted to be rude and judged me how I was caring for grandmother even though she stopped helping saying I need to clean more do all these extra things. I said I was tired because she was waking me up every hour but she said I should sacrifice the little free time I had to make her happy. The next day I thought it was supposed to be my free day but my mom said I need to help my sister take her boys shopping because she said I didn’t do much. She was nagging me all day and riling up the boys. I asked her to say that she needed me one more day so I can actually get a day for myself but she refused because I am a big girl and she is not going to make excuses for me. This sister would not show up only to judge and every time she did show up grandmother would treat me more like a slave and she had the courage to say that nobody wants to come over because me and my boyfriend send off a vibe of drama when it’s because they come over to yell at our faces to do more. We did not have time to pack everything because she came home from the hospital and they wanted us to come and move in to care for her before the agreed move in date so my mom stayed one weekend. We came back and then they fired the lawnmower guy and they kept texting and calling us with harassing messages that we need to mow when it was raining. We never agreed to that and they should have never fired the lawnmower guy. They would not leave it alone. My boyfriend could not mow because my grandmother would not leave him alone on his only day off because she had him grab this, rearrange this and move that not giving him space. They did not understand that we need peace and time to ourselves before we do these extra things and also that we are focusing on the caregiving and working. They had the balls to call us lazy when they are not working and get to just sit and chat and wake me up at six in the morning when they are visiting her because grandma wants a glass of water when they could get it if they can walk further to wake me up. They would talk poorly of me while I was standing there. My grandmother got mad when my sister was helping me mow because I never mowed in my life and she knows how to because my sister is white and she basically said only Mexicans belong in the garden. ‘My mom friend bullies me tremendously and told me I needed to water the plants every day in front of the sisters and cousins but not them when they are not helping or working.

my mom slowly started to turn into my grandmother. I finally left when my grandmother continuously tried to frame me for elder abuse. And they hired a caregiver so quickly and my sister got two fired because she wanted to do it because she wanted to get paid. My sister didn’t have to move in, do the extra work and my mom relieves her every weekend.

I prayed that daily for my mom especially as she declined more and more. "She was never going to recover from dementia so why make her suffer more?" was my plea to God. I included myself as well & that part I felt somewhat guilty about. It was TORTURE to see her over the 4 years she was in a NH.

So now I'm nearly in that same spot with my DH...he's still at home but he is suffering too and quite emotional...hard to see this once proud strong man crying like a child day and night.

BTW, not advocating euthanasia.

I don't know if this will help, but, FWIW.

I cherish the last couple of months of my mother's life. It was hard, I put her on hospice, at one point she didn't recognize me, but I also spent more time with her than I really had in my life. Her last words to me were to help her because she was in pain. I called hospice, they morphined her up and 2 days later she was gone. I made some good decisions, some mediocre decisions and some bad ones, but I don't regret much of it, in a way it was empowering because I was getting the crap beat of me in my job and it showed me I wasn't a moron, and I cherish that time, even the time she didn't recognize me.

My father is still around. He's pretty solid, healthy, but it has been a non-stop pity fest for 4 years. He's needy, mopy, and very frustrating because he fights everything you try to do for him. He's blind, can see a little, so he'll get frustrated that he can't read his bills, so I'll have them stopped, then he'll get mad that he doesn't know how much money he has or what his bills are. The after 6:00 PM calls are the worst because he gets himself frustrated trying to do something he can't do. Then he mopes some more.

And he won't ever stop hitting himself in the head with a baseball bat, metaphorically, because that's just what he's going to do.

And you know what? He's easy. He can still take care of himself. He has money, he's done beyond alright by me, and there are times where I sit there angrily talking to myself, out loud about what a pain in the a** he is. Usually it's about that time that I wander through here and post. :)

Meanwhile, some of you face far, far worse, and get nothing out of it but pain and suffering that can border on torture. I can't imagine having a live in parent with dementia that I had to bath, feed and clean up after who did some of the things I've read about. I have an aunt going through it with my uncle.

And I think some pretty negative things some times.

It's probably normal, doesn't mean you are a bad person, it's just a way to deal with things that are very hard to deal with. And this particular gig is maybe the hardest thing most people will ever do in their lives.

Anyways, FWIW!

kels31: Imho, perhaps you are missing your parents' "former selves" and those thoughts, if that is the case, are perfectly normal. Big virtual hugs sent.

I think you are saying that you are having a problem with the actual thought. The thought about ending the situation is rational. We all try to plan ahead for our lives and we can't do it when we are caregivers because you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Its a tough situation, but you seem glad to do it. So, the problem is not the situation, it is the thought. Having the thought makes you feel guilty. My suggestion would be to replace the thought. Start by just noticing when you have it and think, "Oh, there is that thought again. It is just a thought that repeats." Then, take a deep breath and allow it to pass. It will. There is always something else waiting to take its place. After you do that for a while, write down something you want to replace the thought with on a little card. Maybe something like, "I am grateful for this day" or whatever makes you feel better. I often think about how grateful I am that I am able to take care of my loved one, even when it gets hard. Eventually, the guilt will be replaced by gratitude, which is a much stronger emotion. You will still have the thought about wanting the situation to be over, but you will see the good in it and it will no longer be a problem. It will just be part of the process.

You are not alone. Your message could have been written by me except I’m retired. It’s tough being an only child and single taking care of parents. Yes, I dream of when they are gone and I am independent again.

I can answer for me. I do not ever want to get to that place and be a burden on anyone family or otherwise. I don't want expensive medical treatment to keep me alive at all costs financially and emotionally to the family. I want to be able to die peacefully, as quickly as possible, when I can no longer care for myself. I refrain from answering from a family members point of view because it is controversial, and many families want to keep their loved ones around as long as possible. I understand this, which is why I can only answer for myself. I do not feel terrible about wanting to die when I can no longer have a quality of life.
I also answer from the perspective of a 74 year old who is caring for a loved one who had a stroke on top of severe dementia. It is draining for me. I can only imagine how it is for a younger person who has their whole lives ahead of them. Take care and please don't feel terrible, our life spans are by nature limited.

I am watching my mom slowly slip away. The nurse says, within two weeks.

She is in hospice with end stage Parkinson’s disease.

I am at peace with the inevitable.

No one has lived a ‘perfect’ life. Everyone has regrets unless they have a mental illness that prevents clear thinking and rational behavior.

Everyone has hurt others at some point in time, whether it has been intentionally or not.

Do I forgive mom for any of our past circumstances? I am happy to say, absolutely!

Could I have said that years ago? Most certainly not.

I held onto hurt and pain. I suppose at the time it made me stronger to be angry.

Let’s be honest, anger can lead to making positive decisions in our lives if it’s channeled properly.

Did I hold onto the pain on purpose to harm others or myself? Absolutely not.

We feel what we feel when we need to process it. That is completely understandable.
It becomes an issue if we become stuck.

So, what’s the remedy for being stuck?

For me, it was seeking therapy when I was ready to do so and being open to accepting constructive criticism, learning coping skills and finding ways to grow. That’s when I found peace, even in the midst of turmoil.

I know in my heart that my mom did the very best that she was capable of.

I know overall that she was a good mother and truly had our best interest at heart.

Yes, she made mistakes along the way. Who doesn’t while we are on this journey called life? I made my share of mistakes too. We all do!

I don’t deny making mistakes. Some people do deny any wrongdoing and will always blame others.

Am I bitter about the certain things in the past? I used to be. Not anymore.

It doesn’t make a bit of difference to me because I decided long ago to let go of the past and focus on my current life, my behavior and attitude over anyone else’s behavior.

What’s the old saying? “Sweep your own porch first, before telling someone else to sweep theirs!”

I am only responsible for myself.

I don’t want to carry the burden of being responsible for others. If I had figured this out years ago, I could have saved myself years of misery!

It pains me to watch others riddled in agony over other people’s behavior and truly make themselves utterly miserable.

I accept people as they are but If they become a disruption in my life, I cease being around them, without a care in the world. They are responsible for their actions.

I feel in my heart that no one wants to be remembered only for the mistakes they have made.

I love my mom. I always have. I remember the good times. I discard the rest.

What’s over is over. If someone continues to harm others then people have valid reasons to set boundaries in place.

All I want is for my mom to have a peaceful death that is free from pain.

No one lives forever. It is difficult to wait for the actual point in time that death happens.

Mom has been on this planet for 95 years! She’s ready to check out anytime that God calls her home to reunite with my father.

She will be buried in our family plot.

She will live in my heart forever just as my father does.

You have the right to feel anything you feel. It doesn't make you a bad person. If your like me, then caregiving has caused great stress and a unhealthy lifestyle. You absolutely love your parents or you would not have done all you have up to this point. It's possible & likely your experience is burn out. It's just too much! Give yourself a break every chance you get! If your not at your best you can't take care of others. Maybe try to deflect those thoughts when they arise. Tell yourself not to think these thoughts because it only causes You more pain and stress. Many of us have dealt with burnout. I'm only child, taking care of my mom. Living with, 13 years this August, with her biggest decline over past 5 yrs. My mom has always been my best friend but when you take on caregiving, it's like the roles change, which is really weird! It's never easy, but I'm honestly grateful for whatever time she has left with me. They can't & don't live forever, so keep that in mind and find those small moments of humor when you can just love them and laugh with them. They need you and appreciate you. Take care & keep coming back!!

I feel that way about my mother more and more lately. My dad died 5 years ago and her life has deteriorated greatly since. You're not alone.

I'm not an only child, but being single and the most responsible has put me in this caregiver role and I despise it often- mainly due to burnout. I can say I’ve had similar feelings because the uncertainty of how much longer your caregiver role will last seems unbearable.

Oh sweetheart, how old are you? Forgive yourself for these thoughts, we all have thoughts like these sometimes. I’m in a similar situation, I’m not the only child but the youngest of 6 , all married with kids, and the one who lives and takes care of the parents financially and now that mom has dementia I found myself the sole caregiver and the financial provider with a full time demanding job, no kids, single, and 37 yrs and with so many sleepless nights because I have to keep an eye on mom. Talk about burnout. Can i drop all the responsibilities and get the hell out, hell yes, but my love for my parents and wanting to soak up all the memories while I have them on earth is what’s keeping me. Have you tried respite care? Sometimes taking few days away and off can help? Do you have friend you can go out with just to get away for few hours once or twice a week? Also don’t lose hope in marriage/kids life if that’s what you want. My best friend met her husband at hospice care, he is a nurse, while she visited and cared for her mom there. Best of luck to you hun and just know you are doing an awesome work and I know you are doing the best out there for your parents

Oh my gosh! I’m an only child as well. I’m also caring for my mom and aunt who are twins. You never hear much about only children as care takers!

Life has an end. Keeping ourselves living through sickness and aging at any cost is pointless. Do what we can. Leave the rest to nature.