I've posted a couple of times before. This is an update and a plea for help.
Mom is 76 and has had MS for 50+ years. She moved away from her family 35 years ago with a man who became her caregiver. They were very secretive about her health and needs, so we never had a clear picture of how she was doing.
Her partner passed away, and mom was brought back to the area where her family lives. We acquired the house next door to mine with the intention of making this a group family effort. My brother moved in with her, stair lifts were installed (it's a 2 story house). I pay her bills, manage appointments, etc. and my brother does the hands-on caregiving. I have severe COPD, and the accompanying limitations.
My brother works a part time job mid afternoon to about 10 PM. I have a corporate job that I, thankfully, work from my home office. I work about 60 hours a week.
Mom insists on using the stair lift on her own when she knows it's unsafe to do so. Initially, she was lying about using it, but we caught her at it several times. She won't stop. She has chronic UTIs, but frankly it's hard to tell the difference between that weird behavior and her status quo.
Many, many PT/OT people have been sent packing. Same as the visiting nurse she agreed to that her doctor set up. It was supposed to be M/W/F. The nurse came on Monday and it was fine. The nurse returned on Wednesday and mom went nuts on her and ordered her out of the house. We're getting used to constantly apologizing for her.
She really shouldn't be left alone when my brother goes to work. When it's warmer out, I can go sit with her (even though she resents it and is abusive the whole time), but I can't do that in the winter because of my lungs. She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her.
Lately, she has been saying that she wants to "get out from under my thumb". My "thumb" being that I remind her that it's not safe to use the stair lift when she's alone or asking her what she had for dinner. She said she would like to move to an apartment or assisted living so that she "wouldn't be a burden" to us. Of course, any time she has been in rehab or when her partner would take advantage of a respite opportunity, it's been total tears the whole time: "Get me out of here", "I hate it here", "I want to go home".
She has been hospitalized three times since she came back into our lives last June, and had a couple of weeks of rehab after each hospitalization. Hated the first two. Really liked the last place, which also has a residence facility next door. Talked to her about that place. She was gung ho.
I called them last week and explained the situation. The person I spoke to consulted with the rehab staff, looked at mom's record of her recent stay and said she would likely be "level 2 care" Assisted Living (there are 2 higher levels of care above this) and lo and behold they have ONE 1 bedroom apartment that will be available after carpeting is replaced tomorrow.
Now all of a sudden, mom is totally against it. She says she doesn't want to leave her house (which she tells us literally dozens of times a week how much she hates it and that she wants an apartment). Won't let anyone come to the house to help her. She is defiant. Talks non-stop about wanting to die.
We cannot go on like this. This is killing my brother, and it's killing me. She sabotages our every attempt to keep her safe and as healthy as she can be. She lies. She tries to pit me against my brother and vice versa (but we are wise to it, and have made her aware that there are no secrets between us).
To be completely honest, she has always been a miserable person. She has never been a loving, affectionate mom. She seems hell bent on self-destruction and it appears she wants to take us with her.
I refuse. My brother refuses. This has got to stop. What options do we have? My brother has no intention of abandoning her, but he can't continue like this. Please help.
Not POA, not guardian, not hostage and not indentured servant.
"My health will not permit me to do that" is sufficient.
I find myself getting bogged down in details such as "who will pack and move her things?". Well, I know it couldn't be me if for no other reason than my health. So then I think "A company could be hired to do it" which is followed by "Mom would hate someone else boxing up her things. She would be SO pissed off! At me!" And that is where I am tempted to leave it, and continue to struggle with the "OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO" aspect.
But I am trying really, really hard to take it further: "Well, mom will be mad no matter what is done, so..." And even further by trying to disengage from the whole process altogether by saying, "Someone else can manage this whole thing. I have done everything I can and no one can force me to do anything."
Well, I am HOPING no one can force me to do anything. Not really sure about that, but I am going to have to make it clear to everyone that I do NOT want to be involved in this process at all.
And frankly, bad brother and his wife created the current crisis. I think they should be held accountable. Plus, they live right next door to her so they could at the very least arrange packers/movers and let them in and lock up when they leave.
I've called mom's attorney and left a message for him or his assistant to call me. I really need to be prepared with what I'm going to say so I don't flounder. I need to make clear that I cannot be involved. And I think I need to make sure they have bad brother's phone number. Yes? Anything else?
Getting your mom's needs met does not equate meeting them yourself.
Your mother will be unhappy no matter what you or anyone else does.
Does it really make sense to destroy your health and livelihood to make your mom unhappy?
You have been trained in not "abandoning" your mother from your cradle, Tink.
And, important this: you are not abandoning her. You are right there. You are, however, ALSO ensuring that her needs are met by people with the resources and professional competences required to the job. Those people do not include you.
KEY STEP - compare and contrast
your mother's definition of "to abandon"
your definition of "to abandon"
the dictionary definition of "to abandon."
Hint: the dictionary definition is the one you should use to assess your actions.
I thank the Universe for my loving husband and his support through this mess. His mom was similar to mine, though more low-key about it. He loved her, but I know he felt a degree of relief when she died. She would call him at work (he was a Network Engineer) and leave him voicemail saying she needed him right away. Then he would try to call her back and she wouldn't answer. One of those times when he left work to come to her aid, all she needed was a can of green beans that she couldn't reach. She was in an Independent Living facility. I'm sure she could have found someone to help her. He came very close to losing his job over her.
Anyway, he stands behind me on this, whatever decisions I make. Again, I am so grateful for him.
Beyond my physical and mental health, my job is at risk here. I am an executive for a large multinational firm, and my job requires focus, attention to detail and long hours. It would be a very difficult job even without the added garnish of all this mom stuff. My boss is very understanding, but at the end of the day, if you can't do the job, you're of no use to the company. Add to that the fact that doing a good job is very important to me and you can imagine the job stress I'm dealing with.
I have to say, the thought of abandoning anyone is alien to me. The thought of totally abandoning my mother is something that I'm really struggling with. It would be somewhat easier if she were physically sound and mobile. This is going to be a very hard thing. I will see what her attorney has to say.
Who the h*ll is going to challenge a declaration of incompetence???
Still. Be that as it may.
This is a crisis, but ohmygod at last! - It is the crisis you needed. There will be no more mystery about it. Your mother is not someone who can be helped by family members. It's official.
Sit down now and write a letter to the court explaining why you will not consider becoming your mother's guardian and are ruling yourself out of the options completely. Actually, it's two sentences:
Not doing it.
Not doing it.
More seriously, it's two reasons:
1. Your mother's needs require professional input which you, as a family member, could not properly provide even if you had the training, which you do not.
2. You have a well documented record of having had your best efforts consistently rejected by your mother while she was still deemed competent. Her choice: A N Other.
This is GOOD. Yes, I know incredibly stressful, and I know your eyes must keep popping open every time you try to close them; but this is light at the end of the tunnel. Mother will be where she needs to be. You will never again have to take responsibility for her. You're nearly there, hold tight.
Do not show up. DO NOT SHOW UP. She has funds ( thanks to you) and her attorney can pay for movers. She can pay for care ( again, thanks to you) and when her funds run out, she can become a ward of the State.
Repeat this " I have a life threatening illness and can no longer assist or participate in my mother's care".
Please, Tinkster. Spare yourself this drama which will kill you. And not result in your mother being any happier.
I will spare you the long version. I am posting this at 5:30 AM because I can't stay asleep and I need to get it out.
Bad brother and his wife went to court last Friday and got an "Order of Detention for Mental Illness" for my mom. The sheriff's deputy showed up with an ambulance, and mom was taken first to the emergency room and then moved to a Geriatric Behavioral Center for assessment. Ten days from the order, there will be a hearing, supposedly. They have washed their hands of her. They phoned me to tell me this and told me what emergency room she was at. I called there to see what was going on, and have been calling to check on her daily at the Behavioral Center (let's call it the BC).
They have not called to check on her. Neither has good brother. No one but me. Someone has to.
Her doctor (psychiatrist) at the BC arranged a conference call with me today. I was pretty amazed to hear that mom has pulled out her entire bag of tricks in the short time she has been there. According to the doc, she thrives on chaos and is adept at creating it. Also, she was trying to pit the Residents (doctors-to-be) and the doctors against one another. He also referred to her as a chameleon. She has made suicidal statements daily. His diagnosis? Borderline Personality Disorder.
Well, I have thought that was true ever since I first heard of it back in college, but I never thought I would ever hear a professional declare it to be a fact. Unfortunately, there is no medication or "magic bullet" for this, and the doc basically told me that she is 78 years old and she will likely continue to be this way for the remainder of her life.
She was NOT declared incompetent and he didn't suggest guardianship, but the doctor strongly suggested having neuro-cognitive testing done once she is released. He said that declaring her incompetent while she is in the midst of a crisis might make the declaration of incompetence less likely to hold up in court, should it be challenged by anyone. I thought this was interesting. Regardless, I WILL NOT become her guardian. Ever. I will recommend to her attorney that a guardian/conservator is hired for her or something. It will NOT be me.
So apparently the plan is that the BC will "coordinate" her release to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, I'm sure that doesn't include moving her and all of her baggage, both literal and figurative. I CANNOT DO THIS for many reasons.
Here I sit, unable to sleep, stomach in knots, wondering how I will get through my work day (but thankful my employer allows me to work from home 100% of the time due to my health), and feeling as though I can actually feel my life slipping between my fingers.
Frankly, if my mom didn't have such advanced MS... If she were physically able to walk, drive, etc., I believe I would leave her to her own devices. I deeply resent that this has been dumped on me. I'm upset. I'm angry. And here's the worst of it: I wish she would just die and get it over with.
As she told the psychiatrist and staff at the BC, she has felt suicidal consistently since she was about 16 years old. She has always been unhappy and miserable. Always. And she has always hated and resented anyone who had the audacity to find happiness, joy and fulfillment in their own lives. Even if I were willing to be her caregiver, that would be ill-advised right now because I truly believe that I would do nothing to keep her from doing the deed.
Now try to imagine how knowing that about myself is making me feel right now.
Can I call her attorney and tell him I can't do any more for her? Can I be forced to assist her in the move? What in God's name do I do now?
" And I feel like I am supposed to DO SOMETHING in this situation. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to. I don't even know WHAT that "something" would be. History tells me that whatever I do or don't do, it will anger my mother and probably alienate one or more people in my family. "
Yup - and who "supposes" that you should or shouldn't do anything. It is up to you, tink. and I think you already gave the answer. You are not going to let this destroy your QOL any more. You need peace for the sake of your health. You have carried the burden for a long time at a great cost to yourself, and your mum is still screwing up, so let her, and detach more and more and more...If family chose to be alienated, so be it, not much you can do about it. (((((((hugs)))))))
Denali55 - I am glad it worked out for you. Tink's mum was in a good place and she voluntarily removed herself to another place that has it's drawbacks. You can lead a horse to water but...
I'd practice saying "hmmmm" in a neutral tone. Don't get involved.
Mother is bored. She is not as comfortable as she was in the last ALF, but there has been nothing much actually wrong. Nothing much going on, either.
Well, there is now!
There are people who, as the saying goes, could 'start a fight in an empty room.' And some of them these tensions going on like other people need oxygen.
So she's locked herself in her house, and that's got BB and wife sweating. I'm glad BB had the sense to message you, but he can't have known you would respond. And besides... I hope his 'the scales have fallen from my eyes' shtick is sincere... but I'm not completely confident that 'someone' didn't prompt him to ask you what to do, even obliquely.
Anyway, bizarrely, you're *not* on the doorstep five minutes later. That's no good! So let's try GB next...
As for what GB said mother said BB said... Blimey. An anecdote about nothing having happened, filtered through one warped sense of humour and two unreliable narrators?
I honestly wouldn't trouble APS with this one.
I would be hoarse by now from saying "I told you so." But the best cure for that, which you are doing anyway, is to look away. You've advised him. Mother is his - well, no. Mother is her *own* problem.
Leave it. Don't touch it. Carry on as though nothing's happened.
I'm sorry she is causing you to worry so much. I know the feeling. I developed an anxiety disorder, that I still struggle with daily, while I was caregiving to an overly dependent, can't help themselves, they need someone else, I don't see anyone else but me to help them, I don't see how to move on and let it go for fear of regret and their imminent danger, dysfunctional, dysfunctional, dysfunctional... parent of mine. Sigh.
I got very lucky, and a decent bro (even if he's not perfect, he'll provide basic care) took my dad in, and I have made it clear I will never take him back, but I will help do paperwork and oversight from a distance. I know that if my dad was dropped on my doorstep tomorrow that I have to do something else besides try to care for him. And it's so weird, because I want to "fix" the situation, but there is no fix. It is truly no-win -- you know you're right with that bit, so you have to save yourself only or go down with them... and really, they aren't going down. It's business as usual to them!! When you have a compassionate heart, and a sense of duty to your parents, it is the emotional trapping of a lifetime to detach when they are older and "in need." If they were younger, then you could justify it better (at least I personally could, sort of, I don't know... my father was always not able to care for himself).
Now, our parents are older, more inspiring of our compassion and concern for them. We think of how vulnerable they are ------ but nothing's really changed, has it...? These are the same parents they ALWAYS were -- now we've convinced ourselves they need our help... but they never did while we were growing up... so if they are not acutely ill, please allow yourself to let go, as best you can. It's a process, a daily practice.
Was your mom truly so different at one time than she is now? And she survived to how old? She'll be fine. You don't want this entanglement. It will only serve to hurt you and will not help her in any way. You know this, and you needed to share your situation, and I'm glad you did. It reminds me of what I need to do as well.
Please take care of yourself. :) (((((hugs)))))
I have no idea what the truth is related to the situation with my mom. I don't trust my brother and his wife, and I don't trust my mom.
I feel like I'm being drawn into this as if I am supposed to be able to figure it all out, ID the truth, and protect whoever needs to be protected. Is that the fate/destiny of the oldest child? Is that the fate/destiny of the only family member whose life isn't a shambles?
I'm posting this at 11:20 at night because I can't settle down enough to try to sleep. I've been so relieved lately that my VPAP machine and nighttime oxygen mix has allowed me to get fairly decent sleep so that I can function better. I have spent the last decade or so dreading bedtime because my sleep was so awful, and I woke up each day feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I look forward to sleep now, and though I still feel rough when I wake, I am able to shake it off and feel pretty decent throughout the day.
I feel like I'm being robbed of that.
So I apologize if I'm rambling here. I'm tired. I'm stressed. And I feel like I am supposed to DO SOMETHING in this situation. Maybe I'm NOT supposed to. I don't even know WHAT that "something" would be. History tells me that whatever I do or don't do, it will anger my mother and probably alienate one or more people in my family.
I need to keep repeating to myself: Attached detachment. I've done my best. I can't get back into this mess. This is a no-win situation. I am not willing to die for this.
I spoke with Good Brother today before he went to work to let him know what was going on. We have a pledge to always keep one another fully informed. He just called me a few moments ago. After he got out of work, he called mom. She told him that she was in the car with Bad Brother and his wife a week ago, and they saw a county sheriff's vehicle stuck in a rut by the side of the road. Bad Brother pulled over and started to get out of his vehicle, but then another car pulled over, a bit closer to the sheriff's car.
Bad Brother got back in the car, and mom says she said, "That was so nice that two people pulled over to help him". According to mom, Bad Brother said, "I wasn't going to help him. I was going to kill him." And he turned around and looked at her and said, "I could kill you, too."
Supposedly, this was what prompted mom to tell brother he was never to enter her house again. She says that he gave her his key.
Did this really happen? Heck if I know. The horrible thing is that I wouldn't be surprised. You all know how afraid I am of Bad Brother. As I've mentioned, he is an alcoholic with a scary temper, who served time in prison for 2nd degree felony domestic violence.
When mom made the decision to move our of the ALF and move next door to Bad Brother, I made clear to anyone and everyone who would listen to me what my concerns were, specifically the information about my brother's record related to violence. And when I resigned as her POA in December, I reiterated those concerns in my cover letters to her attorney and her financial adviser. So they are aware.
I have also called Adult Protective Services in the county where she resides. Twice. I spoke to them anonymously to ask questions about what I should do. Both times I was basically shushed and told that my fears don't matter. That if my mom wants to be there, she has every right to be. Also that unless SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, then there is nothing they can do.
Now I'm wondering if the call from brother and spouse today was a fishing expedition to see how much I knew about what was going on there.
I'm ready to just slip away in the night, change my name and move to another country or something. I am so freaking tired of being expected to figure everything out, fix everything and have all the answers. I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
Remaining a neutral observer is going to be hard; I encourage you to seek outside help, in counseling, therapy, whatever modality you are comfortable with, to assure yourself that you are doing the right thing and not putting yourself into harm's way.
Be well, and stand steadfast.
Just don't keep moving the boundaries as far as what you'll do. You've taken such good care of yourself lately, don't let mom's dysfunction become your problem again - let your brother find his own way (with a bit of guidance from you). Hugs to you!!
Sad but also good that bad bro now has open eyes regarding your mother. Sad that your mother is making such bad decisions - she is on a self destruct path. I refused to help my mother when it was obvious to me she was making a bad decision about moving. Eventually she was taken to a geri psych hospital and over the course of a year got evaluated and agreed to treatment, This would be the best thing for your mother.
You are doing well. ((((((hugs))))))
I received a Facebook message from bad brother this morning, essentially saying that things have gotten at least as bad there as they'd gotten when mom lived next door to me with good brother. They said that I was right. While there is some microscopic satisfaction with hearing them say that, the larger reality is that mom has used up all three of her kids and now has no one to turn to.
She wouldn't answer the door, and they reached out to me to ask me what they should do. While we were talking, brother's wife went over to see if mom would answer the door to take her morning meds (which she has refused for three days, most recently by refusing to let them in). Mom let brother's wife in this morning, and seemed to have no recollection of the difficulties she had created the past few days. And then mom said something about wanting to call Tammy/Tania -- the visiting nurse/social worker that she had kicked out recently.
All of mom's kids now know/believe/understand that she cannot live on her own, even if it's right next door to someone who is attempting to care for her.
As I explained to brother, unless mom is found to be incompetent, she has every right in the world to make her own decisions. Even if they are really, really bad ones. He's having trouble wrapping his brain around that, even more than I did. He thinks she is MAYBE thinking about moving again, possibly to assisted living (hence her desire to call Tammy/Tania). I suggested that brother and his wife not try to nudge her in that direction, as she'll bolt and change her mind again. That they should be neutral and just say, "If that's what you want".
Apparently mom made the mistake of trying to pit brother against his wife, telling a ton of lies and throwing out some serious accusations. Accusations that I know are false, mainly because they're the same ones she used to throw around about good brother and me.
In his Facebook message, my brother asked me to call him. I did, and we talked for over an hour. It became very clear, very quickly, that mom was doing and saying all the same things that she did when good brother and I were taking care of her.
At a certain point in the conversation, my brother said, "I can't believe how calm you are." I explained to him that while I love my mother, I've had to detach from her, and that she can no longer hurt me. He started to cry, and asked me how he can do that. I felt so bad for him. I suspect my brother's BPD came from my mom, and that he passed it down to his son (in and out of hospitals for BPD for years).
I need to tread carefully at this point, and am hoping for guidance from you all. I need to avoid getting sucked back into this situation, but I will be willing to talk to anyone from "the system" who wants my input. I will not be hands-on involved in any way. I won't move her. I won't call ALFs on her behalf. I won't do any of the things that I have done countless times before and were a waste of time and effort.
Where do I draw that line, and how do I frame it?
I came to this forum due to my uncle, but I too have issues with a mother who never loved me (tried to abort me twice) was emotionally/physically abusive towards me.
Years ago I stopped trying to be a "good" daughter in hopes that she would love me as she did my younger brother (her favorite) I finally "let go"
This was so free(ing) to me, I too took my life back and I've never looked back. I've told her favorite child that if something happens to her (so far she's healthy) he will have to make decisions as I wanted no part of it.
I have peace in my life and I'm not willing to give that up for ANYONE.
Again good for you! Have a wonderful vacation 😀
Nicole