I had been taking care of both of my parents for over 2 years. Since my father passed away last year, I have been taking care of my mom. She lives 30 to 1 1/2 hour away from me and for a long time, I have been going to her form 3 to 5 times a week. My mother has dementia and she has many health issues. She used to smoke 1 1/2 packs to 2 packs a day and now with the help of 3 to four aides, she smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day. She was in hospital many times in one year! Since she fractured her hip a month after my dad passed away, she cannot walk around and needed to be reminded to use her walker. To make long story short, I am taking in a way taking care of her 24/7. including taking care of her bills. My husband has been unemployed for 2 years and I have some health issues and I am in a sense working full time taking care of mom. I am not getting paid to do this and my family and I are financially strapped! I don't know what to do about this! My sister lives out of country and the original agreement was that we get equal share when mom pass away. I don't think its fair. Also I need to make some money in order to take care of mom! I told my sister that if things heading this way, my family and I can lose our home. She did not say anything nor did say anything to support me. I am so lost and scared and don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
Overall, if you expect or need financial compensation or supplementation to care for mom, you should be getting it, now, preferably.
Hoping for inheritance is like hoping for a bonus after you quit an underpaid job.
I would rather see some assets liquidated and used for care, respite or NH if needed. On the other hand, mom's need for care and your husbands unemployment are 2 unrelated situations, I wish you luck with be latter as that one is more likely to affect your financial status in the long term.
Forget inheritance, that is money that may or may not be there in the future. Speak to your sis about needing to leverage mom's assets to get her into a care facility, so you and your husband can earn income you need. 2 years of unemployment ....without an end in sight....is a long time, you may need to do some financial planning and downsizing. This financial situation is not mom's or sis's doing. My suggestion is you use mom's assets to care for her, and focus on regaining control of your household financial situation.
Say mom hangs in for 5 more years, can you wait without an income?
BTW, your sense on being overwhelmed and seeking fairness are very understandable....it's been a tough 2 years.
Best of luck to you,
L
are the abuses to the FAMILY CAREGIVER
who is doing the job, but not getting paid,
because of sibling rivalry.
We have entered the 2 and 1/2 yr. mark
of having made a report of financial exploitation
and neglect (catholic charities elder abuse)
of siblings and despite some circumstances
of siblings putting her in AL (when she needed more)
against her will.
She continues to do well,
has gained her weight back,
is in a stable environment,
enjoys most of her life that she had prior
to her diagnosis.
AND we still are unpaid family caregivers and have lost out savings,
after 7 years of taking care of we are NOW asking to get paid from the estate,
they (siblings) made her sell her two flat house and we (she 86/ALZ and us)
are now in an apartment for 1 and 1/2 years. They do give her an allowance (the court), but we need to pay our bills, too!
Why do family caregivers always get a bad rap?
Like were sucking down beers and spending the SS check!
GET REAL and all mothers sit and eat bon-bons, too!
Remember that fallacy?
You are so right about abuse of caregiver. I am going on 2.5 years, not been paid, while sissy POA claims financial exploitation by me. It took retaining an attorney to file for impartial third party appointment of conservator and guardian. What so many POA's forget is it is their responsibility to pay someone/anyone for services provided. The POA does not say except family! In fact most elders would want to be taken care of by family rather than go to a facility and would want to pay the caregiver.
This topic just drives me nuts and the people that think we should not be paid. It would be interesting to know if those people are 24/7 caregivers, otherwise employed, self-made millionaires, spouses that make good incomes, whatever. A survey would tell a much bigger story.
How would payment be structured on assets? This is an argument that I have heard it is responsibility of POA to make sure assets last the lifetime. That could be two days, two weeks, for many years. If payment is based on assets how do you determine how long the person is going to live? The person providing care should be compensated an amount that is customary for the care received.
This money would not change my life in the long run but it certainly could help the grandkids ( in their bank accounts) .....
So, if caring for your mother is such a hardship for you, it's time to get her in a nursing home or assisted living, whether she wants to go or not. That way you're not destroying your own life, and in the end there won't be any money for anyone. Or get her to agree to change her will to leave you a more equitable bequest.
I somewhat agree with the people who said your mother should pay you for your services now (my parents reimburse us for expenses but not our time). If you can get her to agree to this, fine, but carefully document EVERYTHING. Otherwise you will have your sib filing a complaint with the Court that you "stole" your mother's money while she was alive. Not only that, but if she gets to the point of needing nursing home care, the State will want to know where all of her money went for the past FIVE years before they'll allow her to receive Medicaid.
I point out to my parents regularly (whenever they complain about the care they get from their daughters in their own home) that if they were in a nursing home they would have to pay a MINIMUM of $7,000 per month for their care. If they hired Home Health Care people 24/7 (which are the hours we work) it would cost over $13,000 per month. And I know the care and attention we are giving is superior to anything they'd get in a facility.
If a parent's money is used for their care, I'm 100% supportive of that, but if it's used to spoil a sibling's child or children, I'm not supportive at all. My parent's care choices have been limited by this behavior; my parent's medical needs were put on hold because of this behavior. This happens more than many of us would like to admit.
In our case they are saying they are saving the (money by not paying us) for her to be eventually put in a better nursing home than a state provided one. She is 86 almost 87, if she did go in a nursing home are they prophesying, How long she will live? To how much money she needs???
SHE IS VERY HAPPY LIVING AT HOME.
it is not like the others wont get their share. although they are taking their mother never, it's like they are negotiating to give us an ultimatum of no pay V______or a nursing home. Can't there be a happy medium?
It is a problem when parents (who you are caring for) have golden children (your other siblings), but quite another when they had it down a generation.
Our next court date is Dec. 2 we thought we were getting paid.
The guardian promised me that their would be no problem...last January.
Still almost a year later nothing, after all, I am providing a service, that would cost more like $6500 a month when we are only asking to get paid for 7 hrs not the 24/7 that we provide.
We are going to have postpone for a hearing, and criminal investigation boy would we like to get the GAL AND THE GUARDIAN who has never been fair to us from the beginning.
They have treated us like scum of the earth for what?
GIVING A DAMN!
Many here on this site are 24/7/365 caregivers that are able to keep parents at home. If I was doing errands, taking her to church, sure I would do that willingly. But 24/7 is much much different.
You also said that money is for her care. Many of us are providing the type of care our folks would prefer, especially those with dementia. Believe me, you want to keep those with dementia at home if at all possible. That is definitely what is best for their health and welfare. If these family caregivers are not paid and there is sufficient assets to do this, who receives the benefit of free care? Other beneficiaries that often times do nothing to assist. There is story after story like that here at AC. Naturally these unpaid family caregivers are angry, they are in a position to potentially lose everything they have worked for and many times will become eligible for Medicaid, if they aren't already.
your bills do not get paid and often the 24/7 care came on gradually,
so in the beginning, it was only a moment here or there.
It was our money that ran out long ago, not the 86 year old's,
as the sibs waited until we filed a financial abuse and neglect charge with Senior Services for not paying for food or medicine for their parent while taking the SS check
paying the bills, but not reimbursing for food and medicine for four years.
Medicines like Exelon, Avair and Namenda were expensive when in the donut hole,
and cost us plenty, while they pocketed the extra SS check money.
I only found out recently, that before reporting them to senior abuse, we should have reported them to the police.
The 86 year old was pulled from that facility, when she really couldn't afford it.
"Cash and Counseling" was an option but (sibs) sold the house,
and the 86 year old doesn't qualify for it anymore.
When the nursing home ( costs $6500)
and there is a finite amount of money and
the elder (our 86 year old) who wants to stay in the home,
is (in our case) grateful to be in the home, why are our motives being checked?
The 86 year old is not my relation but my friends,
WHY DO I DO IT?
The 86 year old's life remains golden and undisturbed
despite some siblings who want to spend the $6,500 a month
(because that is how they would solve the problem)
we do not see it as a problem and the one
who has always taken care of the parents (my friend)
and now the one, is fulfilling the parents' wishes,
even with AD.
But you cannot go into a food store and say
because I love my parent, please give me some groceries, etc.
Some where along the line 24/7/365 care constitutes as an occupation
we certainly are not charging for the 24 hr. care that she needs,
we are only purposing to cover the 7 hrs. a day, that we cannot work,
and that is a single set of 7 hrs. because she needs 24/7 care.
The day care will only allow her to be there 6 hours a day, so we only send her two days a week, but I still have to work the 3 hours before daycare and 4 hours after daycare and would have to work part time on those days, to me that is the madness.
I compare elder care to motherhood, why should I pay most of my salary to a baby sitter
when I am perfectly able to take care of my own child, a decision most of us make during those early years, when we stay home with our children,
God Bless all of you that were able to make money
that wasn't equal to what you had to pay the baby sitter,
we all can make our own decisions,
we are not cookie cutter people
there is room for diversity,
we all have our own reasons,
as to why we make our decisions
and it doesn't have to mean,
that somebody is wrong and other people are right,
we are all INDIVIDUALS, and we all have to do what we feel is right,
which is why I am sure you stayed home with your Mom.
The sibs give the 86 year old 30 hours in a month.
We feel the stimulation (of visiting friends), support and AD diet given to our 86 year old is contributing to the betterment of life and she is doing well by all accounts.
NEXT question ?
I was told that my mother couldn't engage in a caregiver contract with me since she was already diagnosed with dementia. I will be meeting with someone this week to see what Medicaid in OR says about it all.
Good luck. Let us know what you find out.
There must be a way to get it done for you as well. Good luck tomorrow.