How to tell my family it's time to stop the holiday celebrations?

I think the problem with my family get-together is after my Mom was unable to have it due to her health my sister took over. In this case it might as well be at Martha Stewart's. She answers the door dressed to the nines. Usually something glittery on. She looks like she stepped out of In Style magazine. The table settings are like something out of House and Garden magazine. When I walk in I immediately feel defeated. I know everyone else in the family feels the same cause we have discussed it. No offense to my sister, thats just who she is. The problem is the rest of us are just regular folk who aren't perfect and feel shabby in comparison.

I have been in charge of our family party for the past five years or so, but Mom has had the year from heck, medically speaking, and that has made it a year from heck financially speaking for me, because all of her bills, the house expenses (which are mounting as things that should have been fixed 10-20 yrs ago are now becoming a problem), and my own bills are all in my lap now that she's in the NH.

So am I doing a party this year? No. I told everyone very early this year, after Mom fell and cut her head open, triggering a downhill slide of medical issues that landed her in the NH - no family party this year. No one helps with the expense except to contribute a bit towards the rental of the hall we use for the party. I buy all the decor, the meats for the potluck, bring a couple extra dishes to fill in for missing items, supply all the stuff for the games, including prizes, etc. It's very expensive - but I did it because several of my relatives were not in a position to bring gifts for a gift exchange and I thought it was a nice way to give them something to open for themselves, when they were struggling to get their kids' gifts. We always had a good time...but I just can't swing it this year. There's no way. Plus it's becoming a real struggle for mom to be transported out of the nursing home, and her incontinence issues are a serious problem as well. So I simply told them no party.

I say just say no, if you can't do it or feel your parents can't handle it. Speak for them if you feel it's too much for them (or you) to deal with. I guess as I get older and have been a caregiver for a few years, I'm learning to say "no" more and more.

My mother finally announced that this was the last year that she is giving gifts to all the kids, grandkids and great grandkids, plus, boyfriends, girlfriends of grandkids, etc. It's just too much. And I'm talking nice gifts, not stocking stuffer type things. I've begged her for years to stop it, but she finally says this is the last year. Dad stays out of it.

We all meet at my parent's house and eat, take pictures, talk and have a great time. There's never any problem with that.

Our tradition has been to open gifts afterwards, but it's just too much. Not everyone wants to draw names and some have stopped the gift giving. My idea was to get something reasonable just for the young kids. It's fun to watch them open their gifts. We'll see next year if she makes good on her promise.

I don't care to visit my inlaws. I like my mother- and father-in-law but my husband is not close to his brothers and sisters at all. Anything he finds out on them it's learned via his mom. My husband clearly doesn't give a crap about them, but he'd never admit it outright, and they don't give a crap about us either. But we're going because it's probably his dad's last Christmas. After that, who knows... but it makes me resent what Christmas has become since it's shopping deadlines and rushing to see people who don't have any interest in us. And I guess to be honest, I have no interest in them either. If you don't feel close to someone after more than a decade, it's probably not going to happen.

I don't think it's not caring to need to change. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are lots of ways to recraft the family interaction besides totally cancelling forever.

To the people who don't have dementia and complain, remind them that there are an awful lot of people in the world right now who have lost their entire families to war, escaping war, terrorism, and other disasters. Quit griping about it being different than the way Grandmom always did it and be grateful for what we can do.

==Meet at a restaurant for a holiday breakfast or lunch if there are little kids. Supper if it's just grown ups. No clean up, there is a definite start and stop time, and nobody has to feel weird about having to leave. You can always schedule something else a couple hours later, so you have a reason to leave.

==As was said above, turn it into a service event. This one will absolutely grind the gears for the family who *have* to have gifts.

==Attend a religious service together and limit it to just that.

==Attend a movie together. Nobody has to talk to anybody else this way.

==Change the date. Yes, you can reschedule Christmas. When I realized this was possible I felt set free. There can be a structured family event on another date. It actually does not have to be exactly on Christmas Eve, Day, or whatever. My little family's time together is just as (if not more) important than the big grand gathering. There is no law or religious rule that says it can only be on the actual day of the holiday.

==Call in sick. You can only do this once. Maybe twice. This is the emergency disconnect if you are really feeling dread, nausea, anguish, and anger over the idea of going to the gathering. Your mental state is a precious thing. Take care of it.

==Schedule a Fun-To-You event after, as a reward for going ahead. If you have something to look forward to, it might not be so horrendous.

==Overlook stupid. Just rise above. Don't take the bait. Turn away, walk away, change the subject, pretend you just went deaf and blind. Whatever it takes to literally and figuratively not get pulled in.

==If you are holding the event, YOU get to make the rules. You can make it simple to conserve your effort. There is nothing wrong with just doing a small brunch, or just a coffee & dessert buffet. Get creative. This is not a competition. There's no photo shoot. Martha Stewart won't pop by. I promise.

==If mom/dad get agitated by a lot of commotion, then maybe the big party doesn't include them. For real. Just don't tell them information that will be upsetting. Plan smaller visits for them with a few people at a time. Go where they are, vs. bringing them to the party. They're included but in a way that is good for them.

==Just attend the family holiday party the nursing home/ALF/memory care facility throws.

==Reserve a room at a community center that has a play place for the wild children. The adults can sit and talk in one area and the kids can unleash the beast in another, and everybody is a lot happier.

There are as many other solutions out there as there are stars in the sky. Just don't be afraid to do differently. The world will not come to an end.

My family hangs on. Its kind of final when that move is made and no one wants to be the one to make it. I guess its like saying "we don't care enough anymore to make the effort" Its sad but I guess moving on is always a big step.

I worked in retail for 25 years. The last ten years I was a district manager for a large candy company (free standing stores and in malls). Christmas just kicked off a holiday seasonal hell that lasted until Easter. Even though I've been "retired" for the last 14 years I still don't enjoy Christmas much. Then there's years of the forced Christmas Day with my brothers and their families over at my parents house - the last three of those mom still insisted on having although it meant I did all the work - spending all day the 24th cleaning their bathroom/kitchen/living room, and preparing most of the food, getting dishes/glasses set etc. then Christmas morning I had to go over early to set everything up/out - which ruined my Christmas morning with my family at my house. When it was over - yep, I cleaned up. The kicker was that NO ONE really enjoyed the day except for my mom. She'd nearly drive my dad into a stroke insisting that each and every gift had to be opened one at a time. She even would have a fit if someone unwrapped too quickly! The year my parents moved into IL it was pretty clear it would be my dads last Christmas. I adored my father so I sucked it up and had Christmas at my house - and if I say so myself, it was fabulous! But we ALL knew this was the last one. No one had to say it. Now that daddy's gone we all do our own thing - and send each other cards, lol! For a few years mom got bounced back and forth between my other brother and me at Christmas but this year he's spending an afternoon with her prior to Christmas as their celebration and hubby, Rainman, and myself will be going to see her for an hour or so Christmas day - her condition both mentally and physically doesn't really allow for more. It happened naturally and it happened a little slowly but that's how our family celebration of Christmas came to an end. If you don't want to let yours die a natural death like I did - speak up. Start with the person you suspect dislikes it as much as you do, then go from there. You may be surprised to find more people would like to call it quits than you think.

We're doing Christmas here this year. My mother is upset because two of the newly-married grandchildren are spending Christmas with the spouse's parents. It is what I expected, but Mom can't grasp the idea they don't want to be with her. I tried to explain that the kids were starting their own traditions. She got upset and said that she WAS their tradition. She said that they liked the in-laws better than they liked her.

Well, of course the spouses do like them better. It is their mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. That trumps grandmother that they barely know. I don't tell her this, since it would probably make it worse. :-(

Blannie, what a wonderful idea to start a meetup! That would certainly be stepping out of my comfort zone! Through this meetup you are also helping the community. Good for you!

Cwillie I just have my 96-year old mom and me. The past few years of Christmas have felt very depressing and I can't wait for the holiday season to be over. This year I started a MeetUp group to make more women friends my age. I now have a group of seven other women friends, most of whom also have aging parents.

In the past couple of weeks, five or six of us over two sessions made homemade cards for service people (they to to the Red Cross to distribute). We also went to a local facility for folks with developmental disabilities and set up their Christmas trees. And we had our own holiday party last Saturday night, where we made ornaments that we all signed to commemorate the year. It's the first holidays for a number of years where I'll be happy to be alone on Christmas, because I had some "holiday celebrating" with new friends that felt very good. I plan to do more volunteer work each holiday season, so I feel needed and like my life has meaning. Sharing it with friends (because I have no family to speak of) is very satisfying.

Yes, its sad to be alone at Christmas too. Thats for sure cwillie.

Our family fell apart a little at a time. With the loss of my grandmother many years ago gatherings with the cousins and extended family were at an end, then we lost my father, then my brother. Now that mom can not host or attend a party it has dwindled down to the two of us this christmas. Yeah, those gatherings were sometimes a pain, but seeing nobody at all ain't so hot either.

Sandwich plus I love your response. It is a charade. I know this year no one will want to talk about the pink elephant in the room. Which is that my Mom is no longer with us. We'll all make nice and there will be the usual eyerolls behind each others backs.
Its gotten to the point where I'm afraid to make eye contact with anyone cause they will be rolling their eyes at something someone else said and then that person will see me looking back and get mad and yada, yada, yada.

Ridiculous.........God must just shake his head.

Jeanne, excellent ideas! I think the idea of reaching out to families in need is an excellent one.

You get off the roller coaster by standing up and walking away from the thing. Don't automatically say yes to events you know will be a trainwreck. Start by saying "not this year".

To do this you really have to learn to put other peoples' feelings to the back burner and not let fear of change keep everyone hostage. If they get mad, so be it. But if one person or part of the family makes a stand to change the way it's done, there are probably others who will support it. They just didn't want to be first to say it.

There are worse things in this world that mad or disappointed feelings. Everything in life changes over time, and there comes a point where it just can't be the way it was in 1985 anymore.

I staged a moderate level revolution one New Year's Day by using the really nice Chinet plates and fancy disposable flatware. The sun came up the next day. I know, in the bible when Great Great Granny laid the holiday table for the disciples, they did not use disposable table ware or store-bought instant stuffing. She grew the wheat, milled it into flour, and baked the bread for her stuffing. God bless her. I'm not GG-Granny.

Another cousin continued the coup by refusing to do the gift exchange anymore. It just was not in their budget - the end. I did a happy jig. We always gave nice stuff and got the Lifesavers book of candy in return. I was not sorry to see that tradition go one bit. I had more money to save or spend on my own family. It was just not fun sitting there watching 25 other people open their presents when I really just wanted a nap.

My husband & I work so much the very last thing I want to do is spend my limited holiday hours on the road back & forth to continue some charade that everything is exactly like it used to be. I don't want to be around that one part of the family with the undisciplined wild kids who scream, holler, climb on the cabinets, put their boogery fingers in the food, and cause general mayhem. I really want to stay home, cook my own ham, stay in my PJs, and do whatever the blessed heck I choose on my day off. Perhaps have a cup of cheer or three.

I'm in charge of the "Family Party" for my family this year and am not on good terms with my mother at all. It is really hard to plan and execute a party when under these circumstances, I would not even be GOING. But, for the rest of the family, I am throwing a lovely party, we are going to play Bingo, because it's mother's favorite game, the great grandkids who want to will perform something --I have a ton of work on my hands. I'm trying to be Zen about it--and I did send an email to everyone asking them to keep gifts for Mother (she's the only one who gets a gift, we long since quit trying to exchange names!) things that aren't kitschy or unusable. (Sigh) I did talk to my sisters who both agree...this is the last Christmas party. We've all got big families and we have imploded and now are regrouping into smaller units. We try to have something in the summer so we can meet at a park and the littles have something to DO and can run and play.
Mother has tried to extract a promise from us kids that we will keep this tradition alive (I hate that emotional blackmail). I told her that once she's gone, she wo't care what we're doing..and left it at that. Christmas is stressful enough without trying to herd cats to a party they don't want to go to!

I have a large family. We finally did the pick a name thing after a big family squabble based on one sister's greediness for presents. But it worked.......for a while. But since we don't see each on a regular basis and everyone has what they need we finally stopped that too. Instead we all bought Mom something and of course the small ones.

This will be the first Christmas without Mom. Frankly if I didn't think I'd look like a spoilsport I wouldn't even participate. But I know my Mom's final wish for us was that we would stay a family and love each other so for her I'll go and make the best of it.

help2day, I'm not sure this would work in your family, but if they have a need, an urge, an obbession to shop and buy presents, maybe you could convince them to adopt another family whose circumstances aren't so great this year. My sibs and I used to do this. We'd get info from a county agency with ages, sizes, and wants. We'd tell the agency, "Remember, we are a large family so give us a large family." Then everyone would pick some person to buy for. "We'll take the 8-year-old boy," "I'll buy for the Mom," etc. And we also provided food for a holiday meal -- ham or turkey etc. When we got together for our family event we packed everything in laundry baskets to give something else practical.

The lists were really thought-provoking. One year we got a single dad with 4 kids. One year it was a disabled man and his wife and their children. Know what was on Mom's wish list? Household cleaning products. When you realize that a bottle of Pine-Sol is going to make someone's day, it really does seem crazy to keep giving more STUFF to people who already have enough!

This year a grandson suggested welcome packages for refugees. We got lists of the essentials from the organization that will distribute them. We are getting together for breakfast to pack our purchases. Washclothes, toothpaste, shampoo, and bright crayons and a little toy.

One year a company I worked for collected new pajamas for toddlers through teens. It was fun to see what everyone brought in, and nice to imagine some child being cozy and not feeling left out of the fun of getting presents.

I applaud the urge to want to do something special for others this time of year. But I agree with you, help2day, that often it is not the adults in our own families that make the best recipients.

Could that be a clue about getting off the roller coaster? Redirect everyone who wants to buy gifts to buy them for non-family members?

Merry Christmas, Everyone and God Bless You...

Oh, how I only WISH I could stop these "celebrations" when, in fact, they are not. I only "host" a Christmas Eve get together with my side (very small -- 9 people) out of obligation and necessity at my home (I can't stand the smell in either one of my sister's or mother's houses so therefore my home is the only option). Mom's house is the stench of body odor and 1 cat; my sister has 3 cats and hoards, so there's no room for anyone to sit down. I have the only home that's doable. To those who say, go out for dinner at a local restaurant -- that would be a nightmare. As Rick said, the noise, confusion and logistics of getting a person who moves at the pace of a snail and a major fall risk out of the house for a "celebration" just isn't worth it. Also, with my Mom's profound hard of hearing issues (she has a hearing aid in each ear that really no longer is helping), the noise and confusion of a restaurant atmosphere is major agitation to her and to the rest of the family dealing with it.

I have tried and tried to get them to "pick a name" or just not exchange ANY gifts at all. My sister/niece live in the same house; my Mom and brother live in Mom's house. They are all hoarders and won't get rid of anything. Hence, I refuse to buy them more "things". Last year, Mom arrived at my house almost in tears because she was an hour "late" because she was looking for something (a gift card) that she misplaced (in her mound of bags and stuff) and it totally threw her for a loop. It took a hour to calm her down. "It's okay Mom; don't worry about it; we'll find it later."

One year, they did agree to the "pick a name" thing, but then my Mom/brother went out and bought everyone something anyway. One year my sister bought me a HUGE can of 3 difference types of popcorn. YUCK. More junk I didn't need. I beg them every year --- "PLEASE, PLEASE don't get me anything. I don't NEED anything. I am blessed. Let's just get together and enjoy the evening together." They just won't do it or ignore any changes in "tradition" whatsoever.

I've been trying to ween my adult kids off their NEED to have things. Christmas has become more and more and more commercial every. single. year. I live for January 1st so it's all over with for another year. It's so stressful for my Mom (with dementia). She stresses out trying to think of things to get "the kids" -- good God, they're now ADULTS Mom, they haven't been kids for 20 years! Then she buys them stuff, then loses it in the mass of piles in her house, then buys the same thing again. Then she stresses my brother out by making him go out and buy MORE stuff for her to give, so he ends up yelling at the poor hard of hearing thing. It's a vicious cycle.

When do we get off this roller coaster?

Are you sure this is how your mom feels? My mom would get so stressed out at Christmas that for the last 3 family Christmas' at moms house I would go over the day prior and then arrive early the day of to do all the work required for these family gatherings - my husband and son would arrive a little later but it pretty much ruined our own family Christmas mornings. But I still did it as as much as my mom would get all wound-up she would have been 100x worse if she didn't have what was her perception of a Norman Rockwell Christmas. To be honest no one enjoyed these family Christmas' except my mom - and we were all to intimidated by her temper to do anything but go along. Perhaps it would bother your mom even more to not see her daughter and granddaughter than it does to actually spend time with her? Clearly it bothers you to have them around - just be sure you aren't projecting your feelings on to your mother.

catsx10, I am in a similar situation, but my know-it-all, lying sister invited herself and her crew for Thanksgiving rather than Christmas. It was a disaster. Sister picked a fight with me at every bloody interaction - she stayed here 1.5 weeks. Mom's doc told us that Mom was going to have to tell her not to come back, which Mom cannot do, emotionally. I am POA and sister already accuses me of trying to alienate Mom from her (hasn't been true until now, but based on this last trip, I may have to do just that). She literally hates me for living with Mom, when I would be totally grateful if the situation were reversed. Mom also has lots of other medical issues, lack of appetite, constant nausea, etc. I just don't know the answer. Sister says she doesn't do a thing, that I am to blame, yet I am the only one trying to keep Mom's best interests first and foremost. Sister is already talking about coming back in March - I wish I could completely ban her at this point because of the stress she causes Mom. Sister does everything Rick Phelps said not to do and just will not listen. Daughter is in nursing school and thinks she knows everything, so now I'm dealing with two "experts" who actually know nothing in reality. If sister would stop picking fights and telling us how to live and do every little thing (not to mention moving every little item in the house to better suit her), we might have a chance, but she refuses to see what she is doing. I wish I had all the answers so I could keep Mom safe and secure from sister. This journey is hard enough without such blatant disregard for Mom.

Your main post and all of the comments have all helped me. Knowing I'm not alone REALLY helps. Although our situations are different. The holiday's seems to be stressful on those of us dealing with Dementia/Altz and other age related diseases/issues. The period between Thanksgiving and New Years are very stressful for me on top of being my 78 year old mother, who suffers from Dementia, full time caregiver. My brother and I just go through the motions. It's not a very pleasant time but my mother insists on decorating etc. Going through the motions, setting boundaries, detaching (with love) with necessary are things I had to do to take care of me. It's hard when you see other's and commercials "bragging" (if you will) over how wonderful the holiday's are.
All I can say is THANK GOODNESS THEY ARE ALMOST OVER! Once the holiday decorations are down and it's Jan 2, I feel a huge relief.

This line of discussion sounds familiar. The difference being that my brother, sister and I have never been close or even in contact. I am the sole caregiver for my mom, have had the "serious" talk with them about how the holidays or get togethers must change because of mom's dementia but they still force the issue. My brother insists on bringing his loud, obnoxious wife and daughter and then I and mom have to deal with the aftermath of her worsened dementia symptoms. Mom's neighbor could hear the talking and laughing (not mom's) through her apt. wall. Just yesterday my sister brought everyone also and then mom was so tired, confused and withdrawn. They do not want to listen!!! What's bad is that mom hides her dislike of them visiting while they are there but then complains to her neighbor and me. Or she tries to downplay their behavior to me. Just don't get it. She has lots of medical issues and lack of appetite and all they bring her is fast food or nothing at all.

We made a drastic change this year because of mom's memory loss. It had become too difficult for her and hubby to be with so many people, too much noise and commotion, there would have been 20 of us. Just too hard for the older folks. We had a nice breakfast with my two bratty, unrealistic, selfish, lying sisters. It was extremely stressful for me, but mom enjoyed it. Then everyone traveled 60 miles to my daughters house for the bigger celebration, all the cousins my grandkids. I was not the least bit happy about it! It was dictated by daughter, and narcissistic sister. Did not want to attend at all, then daughter also invited my ex because she said her family wouldn't see him otherwise. Well that was not the case, they spent the day with him today. Breakfast and other gathering was yesterday. I have never had such a stressful unpleasant Christmas. I would have rather been alone as I was last year because sister did not invite me. BAHHUMBUG! Never again. Last year I hoped that my family relationships would be on the mend for this year, but instead we are in the thick of it and I don't think the relationships will never be what they once were.

but the way it happened, limiting the number of people was far better for mom and hubby.

When my father was 65, he asked us not to all visit at once, so Christmas visits were staggered throughout the day. You can still have the big party at the church, but each sibling can spend an hour in turn with Mom and Dad at their house and then return to the hall. It would be a lot less stressful on them.

Please don't stop this opportunity for cousins to get together and have a sense of their larger family. It is very kind and thoughtful of you to be concerned for your parents, but the holiday gatherings are not only for them. I hope you can continue to have them, and also reduce the stress on your parents. You are already having them "off site" and that is good. Catered might be good, but that depends on how important sharing home-created food is to your crowd. Perhaps when you are with your parents and you could "help" mom prepare a contribution to the big event. Or convince her that she is "retired" from the holiday planning and that younger people need their turn at organizing and preparing.

No matter where it is held, figure out a way to limit the time your parents spend at it. If the meal comes first and then all the kids play games and the adults play cards or catch up with each other, maybe two or three adults take Mom and Dad home to watch a movie they bring with them, or simply to sit and chat. Or the hectic play and chatting comes first and you don't bring Mom and Dad until the meal is ready to be served.

I just know how very important the family reunion times were in my childhood and in providing me with associations with cousins. I see how important it is for my grandkids to get together with their cousins and to see their aunts and uncles. As the family grows beyond the capacity of anyone's house, changes need to be made. As the excitement and chaos becomes too much for the elders, something has to change. I just hope you can figure out changes that preserve the essence of the event -- the bonding with an extended family.

Don't expect perfection. Sometimes coming up with "good enough" solutions is the best we can hope for. And that really is good enough.

Stevensmom what I do with my mom about anything that would cause her stress is not to tell her until the event is ready to occur. I'm not sure how you'd do that at Christmas, but maybe say you're the only one who will be there or a couple of siblings or whatever. Have it offsite like Sandwich suggested and then as you're ready to go meet the "few" relatives, let your mom and dad know that a few more folks showed up. So she basically doesn't have time to get all worked up about it.

My mom has no short-term memory either and she's very open about it with me, but I can see that she's more nervous around others that she's not around very much. If someone calls her or she calls someone, she wants off the phone very quickly. I think it's because she can't remember what they said or what she asked. If I let her know ahead of time about going somewhere or doing something, she'll get all fussed up about it. So now I just show up to take her to the doc's office or to get her perm or whatever. So maybe some variation of that idea would work with your folks. Almost a "surprise" Christmas get-together.

The rest of the family can spend more time together, but bring your folks and take them back home after an hour or two and don't let them get too tired. When other family visit mom, I have to be pretty proactive about telling them she needs to rest.

hi steven'smom. I am 76 and I don't have Alz, but a gathering with that many people including children would drive me nuts if I was there for long. I think moving it to a commercial place or having it catered is a good idea. It may take a while, to make the adjustment, but life does change and we need to make adjustments. Maybe you can arrange it so your parents go for a shorter time. It all sounds too much for them to me.

Thanks sandwich42; we did make it through this one, some good moments and some bad moments. You put it just right "it's not fun anymore." We'll have some deciding to do before next Christmas. Now that's it's over we can hopefully relax for a while. Thanks for your input!

The hardest thing for me, which I'm hoping others can offer advice about, is how to help my mom not get so frustrated when she can't remember things. She has always been this way, and even when everyone around her is assuring her that it is OK, everything that needs to be done has been done and we are just here to celebrate together, it hurts us to see her being so upset. Her short term memory is shot, and I know that people who are upset can't think straight, but anything we say to her makes it worse. Should we just be quiet, or does anyone have ideas on what to do?