Stubborn parent; anyone else feel like pulling out some hair?
The Dr asked him if he wanted memory pills. He said no, I don’t have dementia. He keeps trying to argue this point with me. I read somewhere we aren’t supposed to convince them they have dementia but goal is to keep them safe. Not sure how to convince him he needs memory pills. I did say it will probably help you to keep your independence as long as possible. He said I don’t care I don’t trust the doctor, so I’m not going back. He keeps trying to convince me that the girl down at DMV said he seems fine to her so the Dr. is the one that’s wrong. Anyone else feel like pulling out some hair? I need to ask my husband to sit down with me and convince him to sign a power of attorney. The rest of the family throws it upon me, but he either argues or walks away. I guess I can explain it’s in his best interest or the state will appoint a guardian and may not abide by his wishes?
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In my opinion, taking on the responsibility of caregiving for someone without having the authority i.e. durable power of attorney is a bad idea. If your father will not sign a POA there will likely come a point where he will be in a situation and unable to give consent and he will be at the mercy of strangers.
The rest of your family has already walked away from him. Just because they throw you the ball does not mean you have to catch it. You and your husband need to sit down together and discuss the reality of you becoming your father's POA. It is a hard job and I have watched my husband, who is POA (medical and financial) for his dad and was for his mother before she died, want to pull his hair out.
If you find it difficult to make hard decisions - often there are no easy decisions when it comes to Alzheimer's and stubborn parents - you may want to reconsider accepting the responsibilities that come with being POA.
Pills for Memory I think is still up in the air. They may help in the early stages but do nothing in the latter. Yes, you need POA but you can't reason with him. He is in denial. For your own sanity, you have to let him do what he wants. Will need to keep an eye on him and when u feel he can't do it on his own anymore, call Adult Protection Services. Tell them there is a vulnerable Senior who has not allowed you to be his POA. They can step in and evaluate the situation.
You may have to wait until he is in the hospital. Let him go to rehab and ask for an evaluation while he is there. If its found he can no longer be on his own, have him transferred then. Either to an AL, which would be private pay, or to LTC where he can get on Medicaid. If possible, I would not take his care on.
I'd consult with an attorney about the options. It seems like when people really need the help, they are are very resistant, won't listen to sound advice and end up doing things that are not in their best interest. Is he at least listening to you about financial matters?
I know that is not helpful, but I understand your frustration.
Of course your Dad is going to accept a comment from anyone that he seems fine, over a doctor who is telling him there is a problem.
About 7 years ago I went to my doctor scared silly as I was doing odd things, like forgetting I was cooking. Forgetting entire conversation, not just what I had said. I was in my late 40's but we had a family friend who had very early ALZ and I was so afraid, I was losing my marbles. I burst into tears as I recounted my symptoms to the doctor. He reassured me that it was likely something treatable. He said that the ones he worries about are the patients who are convinced they are ok and the family is certain they are not. It sounds like you Dad is in the second camp. As is my Dad. Oh and it turned out I had B12 anemia.
My Dad passed his driving medical earlier this year. His metric for determining if his driving is OK? If other drivers are honking their horn at him.
Has your Dad been seen by a neurologist?
It sounds like you’re at a stage where you could say to him, no you don’t have dementia yet so let’s get some things in place. I agree about conveying regularly that it will be the state if not you. So do leverage the Alzheimer’s Association and local Agency on Aging for the various things you want to be looking at and talking to him about. I wouldn’t go in assuming he’s going to shoot you down, you just address one thing at a time. GOOD luck!
Explain that you can help with paying bills, etc., because you want to be helpful whenever needed.
i knew I could not tell my mother she had dementia, because to her everyone else was wrong, but not her.
Without my mother present, I told her Dr. all the odd things she said and did so he knew she was having trouble connecting the dots, like she would get angry whenever she was frustrated and accuse the bank or me of taking her money, etc., etc. Patients put on their best show when they visit the Dr., so the Dr. can’t see the struggles a dementia patient is having during a short visit
The Dr. then put her on an Antidepressant/Anti agitation pill. Or “Happy pill” as he called it. I let him know if I saw improvement and once she was on the right dosage, she was at last agreeable, appreciative and pleasant.
i am SO thankful that help was found for both her sanity and mine.
God bless you and guide you.
When folks have dementia they get to a point that reminds me of toddlers and being stubborn. Saying "no" is a way of asserting independence. Dad needs to feel like he has choices, so give him appropriate choices- what to drink with meals, when to have a bath/shower. which shirt to wear... never about care he needs to have.
In other posts you have made, it is clear that you have not dealt with dementia before and even though you are starting down that path now, you are CLUELESS as to what it means. Agreeing to be POA for someone is kind of like taking wedding vows - in sickness or health... YOU want to ditch this wonderful person because they are exhibiting behavior that is NORMAL for those with cognitive issues? Just like you recommend others to do. You can't understand it, PITCH IT OUT! You are really a piece of work. His deeds are "off the wall" because his brain no longer functions properly. This is why you read so many stories on this forum about all the odd things people are doing. They are NOT doing it to be bad or irk you, it is a dysfunction of the brain and THEY CAN'T HELP IT, no matter how you try to force them to comply (which is one of your suggested "methods" - if that doesn't work, you say, kick them to the curb.)
Go away from this forum for a while and EDUCATE yourself about all forms of dementia. If you can't hack what this entails, don't accept POA for anyone else. We have no crystal balls to know who or when cognitive issues might rear their ugly heads - no one needs you in their camp if you're going to throw them to the wolves!
In this case, I WOULD suggest you resign your POA and leave this person's care to someone else, otherwise you might take your own ridiculous, ill-advised advice and end up tying him to a tree out in the woods somewhere.
Lots of people with dementia don't think they have it. It's everybody ELSE in the Memory Care that's "stupid" and "crazy", just ask my mother and she'll tell you all about it. Over and over again until you DO rip your hair out.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community. 3 residents are allowed out to the front desk area, for some odd reason, unfortunately. One woman hounds me continuously......didn't anyone tell me that SHE doesn't have dementia and doesn't belong there? No.....only SHE has told me that, about 4 million times already. A doctor and his wife are also residents who are "leaving tomorrow" every single day, because they don't belong there either and are "checking out". So, can I please call them a cab for 9:30 am the next morning? Sure thing, no problem. I shake her hand every night and tell her it's been nice knowing her.
So yeah, it goes with the territory for dementia sufferers to not believe they have dementia.
And if there is such a thing as "memory pills" please do let me know what they're called because I know a lot of people who'd benefit greatly from them, including me, because then my hair would start growing back from where I've pulled it out!
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