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My mother is 85, im 40 and the only son she has ( im adopted). Since she has dimentia, the only thing she remember clearly is im the bad guy whos taking all her money, and her own finance. I live in her house at the moment. Helping managing the bills, food etc ( keep the household in order) however few days ago she cut my POA from the bank. I felt so hurt and useless now since i cant take of her and her needs. I cant talk to her because we end up fighting about the same thing. Money. A lot of her family members advise her to just let go enjoy live and let me manage everything for her. Yes she can live very comfortable..but she said NO! Im healthy and i can do everything myself. From somebody who doesnt know her bank, her pin number, dont know how much prices has gone up. Ive been taking care of her for the past 10 years..and now i feel so helpless at home, doing nothing..she doesnt even wanna talk to me since in her mind im the no 1 enemy. Im thinking of leaving her for good and never turn back. I had enough. Should i do it? She will have nobody and in my country there isnt any "medical assistant "to take care from the government like in the west. She wanna manage everything herself, thinks she still capable but shes not. Any advise is welcome. Thank you

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I've been a family caregiver for various relatives. There's no way I would ever serve in that capacity without POA! The person will always need things and the caregiver will also need things in order to take best care of the person. If the caregiver isn't in charge of the money, she cannot get those things without paying for them herself unless she asks the POA for money. The POA can refuse. The POA has no idea what the hands-on caregiver needs because they've usually never provided hands-on care.

Just based on your not being able to use your mother's funds to take care of her and her needs, I'd walk.

When I was taking care of my dad, Rude Aunt, age 88, criticized everything I did. She'd never taken care of anyone and had no idea what she was talking about. I suspected that she had some form of mental illness because she'd rant and argue and throw up obstacles to dad's care. She believed she should have been POA. If he'd changed his POA to her, I would have been out of these so fast that I'd have looked like a bolt of lightning! My advice to you is to go. Your mom will find someone else to be her slave.

Good luck! Become a lightning bolt!
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Thanks fawnby for sharing. I think leaving is the best and never look back..i have to put my mental health first.
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My advice to you would be to walk away. Usually when the stealing accusations and other assorted asinine dementia nonsense starts up, that's about the time to get the person put into residential care. There's no reasoning or arguing with a dementia senior, so don't. It will not help or change anything.

Also, let me give you a head's up about thinking the government takes care of everything in western countries. They certainly don't here in the U.S. and nothing is free.

You say your mother can afford a decent life, so she can have a live-in paid caregiver to do for her. You walk away.

She doesn't know her pin numbers or anything else, yet she was able to get herself down to the bank and remove you from her accounts? How was she able to do that if she doesn't know any of her own banking information?
Also, POA is not done in a bank. Those are legal documents done in a lawyer's office.

Your mother has villified you. You are now her scapegoat and verbal whipping post that she can lash out at and abuse. You will not be allowed to make any decisions for her. I don't know how it works where you live, but here POA is useless unless there's a formal medical diagnosis of incapacity either physical or mental which prevents the person from making their own decisions. so a POA's hands are tied unless there is. So you have two choices here.

Continue being an abused care slave to your mother. Or walk away and take your life back. I'm sure if your mother has money at some point either the family or your government will make themselves visible and take over her care needs. Money is after all the one language that everyone speaks fluently.

Your mother's life is not more important than yours. You don't have to live with her abuse.
Abuse is abuse whether it comes from a person with dementia or one without.


So walk away. Sometimes seniors have to learn the hard way and sometimes they just get more stubborn and don't learn at all. That's not your fault.

Get together with your family who encourages her to just have a good time and enjoy life. Then tell them you are walking away and will not be taking care of her anymore because her needs and abusive behavior is more than you or any one person can handle alone. Since you get no assistance with her, you have to just walk away. See what your family says. Then get your name off the POA and walk away. Let others step in to put out her fires and clean up her messes.
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Hi Burnt, my mother goes to the bank cuz she asked me drive her there..she ask me, whats her bank, how much money, what her pin etc..of course i told her everything. Its her money afterall. In asia, the POA form is issued by the bank for bank purposes. Regardless dementia or not..so few years ago she signed the POA and suddenly she wakes me up and said im cutting your POA power, i said OK if that is your wish. Take me to the bank..i said OK and thats it!
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If your mother has dementia it is difficult to imagine how she got your POA eliminated at a bank.
As you say you are in another country I cannot imagine what the rules and regulations are.
I can only tell you that for myself, after having done POA and Trustee for my brother, who was cooperative, organized and easy-going, I cannot imagine being able to deal with it when someone believes I am the "enemy".

There is only so much any human being can do to protect another when that other person doesn't want protection. I am afraid for myself I would be moving on after notifying all other family members and all authorities and medical groups involved that I cannot function for this person anymore.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 7, 2024
Exactly right, Alva. When you are the 'enemy' that's when it's time to move on and let others handle it.

My mother tries to pull the threat of 'cutting me out' and removing me as her POA.
As if POA is some great honor or prestigious award. I tell her go right ahead because that's fine with me because I've got enough on my plate. I remind her that she lives rent-free in a property that I own and that at any moment I can sell the place and her choices will be a Medicaid nursing home or a cardboard condo by the park because my sibling will not take her in.

She gets a resentful because she thinks I (not my sibling) should be taking care of her personally. I should give up my business, my marriage, and everything else to spend my days in service to her. I did that for a few years living with her and it almost destroyed me.

When she acts up, I make myself unavailable for a week or so. I don't take her calls and I don't visit. Her aides and my family know how to reach me.

She taken up a new hobby of villifying me to my sibling who just ends the call immediately. This is how you have to handle people like this.
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I'm the adult son of a mother that's 91, I'm 60. If I were in this situation and adopted and not genetically related to my mother I would pack my bags and be out the door in about 5 minutes. This situation is NOT going to get better. If you do decide to move out, then move out and go NO contact with her after that. If you have had enough, leave. Let the family members that are advising her take care of her from now on. If you leave, she will have someone to take care of her.
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Hai Jhall, thanks for the reply. I wish i could do that as easy said then done. But even so called family members like to say this and that but if i said ok..you take care of her, they will say..sorry cant..i wish someone could step up but so far..none.
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If your Mom has been diagnosed, she may not be able to revoke your POA because she is not competent to do so.

So in your country can you be forcedvto care for Mom? What happens to the elderly that don't have family?
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Hai jo, Thanks for your reply. No, i cant be forced to take care of my mom but its back to humanity reason. Elderly without family sorry to say if no money they will be left on their own cuz all the elderly center or old folks home cost a lot of money. The one from the government is very sad, poor and gloomy
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No matter what you decide, please stop trying to reason with your mother and don’t argue with her. Dementia means she’s lost the ability to make good decisions and reason out sound judgements. Trying to convince her will only frustrate you both. Speak to the bank manager and let them know of her dementia, she will need protection from her own bad decisions. There’s a post on the forum right now of a bank acting in a lady’s best interests. Hopefully your mom’s bank will do this as well. Above all, guard your own health and wellbeing. You’re no good to yourself or mom if you don’t do this. You matter too
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Thank you , im thinking about the same.
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Hi Jo, you got much good advice . I do want to stress the importance of learning about dementia, especially vascular. I didn't know much at all about it before, this forum.

When people think of dementia they think of people that forget how to do everyday tasks, the early stages of vascular is different. More of a inability to reason. Like my mother couldn't understand and pushed my father to drive, when he had no business being behind a wheel, but everyday tasks where completely normal.

There is no reasoning with them. Curious is your mom has high blood pressure, or cholesterol, that is know to be a huge contributing factor. My mom 88 had had high blood pressure, and on meds sence about age 50.

Another thing I see with mom is her anxiety is just out of control, she will do things she knows she shouldn't, but her anxiety is so high she just can't help herself. Like if someone is coming and she wants the house to look perfect, she will insist on moving something she shouldn't be lifting.

One other thing that suprised me, when I learned about vascular dementia, was the term shadowing. Look that up when you get a chance.

Learning more about this will hopefully help you alot.

Best of luck to you. We always here to lend an ear and give out are best advice we can
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Jo1212 Aug 7, 2024
Hi, Anxiety for your kind reply..yes my mom has high blood pressure, and statin medication for a long time. We havent diagnose her with dementia yet officially with the doctor cuz we just know, she forgot about lunch , what she ate etc..and i have to like give her a tiny memory booster like..you had chicken for lunch and she said ..ohh yeah i remember. But lately her emotion towards me becomes so discomforting it breaks my heart
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First I will say that you need to educate yourself more about the horrible disease of dementia, so you will quit trying to argue about anything with a woman with a broken brain. If she truly has dementia, then there is no reasoning with her, as logic doesn't live there anymore.
Has she been officially diagnosed with dementia?
Since she has other family members where you and your mother live, perhaps it is best that you move out, and let her try and manage on her own. If in fact she fails, she may be more open to you helping her. Otherwise other family members can step up to help care for her.
At 40 years old you should be out on your own anyway living and enjoying your own life. Your mother has had her life, now you have to start living and enjoying yours.
If your mother was able to go to the bank by herself to "cut your POA" there, I can't help but think that perhaps she isn't as bad off as you perceive she is.
Sometimes children have to let their parents fall and fall hard before they will allow any help from them, so I'm all for stepping away(moving out)and waiting to see where the chips may fall.
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Without Gov services, your options may be to hire a daytime helper. A local young or older woman, who earns your Mother's trust. A companion. Someone she can shop with now & later, who will supervise & ensure she doesn’t get lost.

You will be her Son. But also really the Manager (behind the curtain, arranging everything).

Just an idea.

Finding the right fit carer can be hard - some elders will resist, not let in the home, send them away etc. Also hiring someone needs to affordable to your situation.
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Oh I didn't see what country you are in? We may have assumed US in error.
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Jo1212 Aug 6, 2024
Im in Asia..where the government dont take care of the elderly..its up to family member..and its only me at the moment.
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Mom's view: I am independant.
I manage my money, pay bills, shop, cook, keep house etc.

Your view: ?
"Helping managing the bills, food etc (keep the household in order)"

Mom sees what SHE does. She does not see what YOU do, to keep everything in order. This can happen. This lack of understanding & insight.

I don't need help! (But they do)

Have a look for Anosognosia in the care topics. I'll try to add a link.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm
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Jo1212 Aug 6, 2024
OMG i never knew theres a term Anosognosia..read the article and its kind a harder to deal with the real dementia...thanks for the advise
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Has her doctor diagnosed her yet? If yes and is willing to sign probate documents, the it will be easy to get guardianship and conservatorship. If not then she will fight. You might just have to leave her and wait for a medical crisis. Once she is in a hospital then you need to tell the social worker of an unsafe discharge.
If you do leave, then leave a report to APS and send a letter to her PCP of the situation for her medical record. Make sure you put her DOB in her communication
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Beatty Aug 6, 2024
I agree. The options you list are similar to what I have been told.

Step In to Take Over : Go legal guardainship route.

Step Back : Stop helping so much.

Step Out : Stop helping. Report to Doctor, Social Worker, APS.
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Go away for a week and find someone to sit with her . She will realize how much you actually do for her . Tell her after you are gone for a week " I Cant do my Job Unless I have POA . " This Happens a Lot and is Not unusual . So Good for you for caring for her . Yes they get abusive and mean to the Person taking care of them .
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