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Our younger sister is POA and all we know is 'documents' were signed and executed. We don't know if they are the original documents we saw in draft form or if they would have changed.
I am my mom's HCPOA..but here is the rub. Her documents state that she can be in charge of her own healthcare decisions unless she is unable to do so or CHOOSES not to do so. Here is the deal. Mom goes to ER with Pnumonia secondary to her pulmonary fibrosis...she has been having so much trouble for days. And on Monday we are in ER and she is cyanotic and hypoxic an of course not making sense.. I do my job and sign the paperwork..give all the correct info about all the meds she is on for bipolar and everything else...they admit her..they treat begin to treat her for .pnemonia..give her steroids..antibiotics..ect..she is more comfortable...then SHE starts telling the doctors what she wants when she wants it... and I have no say even though what she is saying isn't accurate or correct and she doesn't even know the meds she is on...she flip flops about what she wants...I know she is in denial about her physical decline and hospice was already being explored before the hospitalization.. but now unless she falls unconscious...I can't help her in anyway with regard to her medical decisions...because her o2 sats are fine and she "appears" to have all her faculties..truth is she gets confused if you ask questions and she cant repeat back what you just told her. We are close and have had discussion after discussion in private and in front of her psychiatrist her legal and financial team..as well as they have shared with me that she has had conversations with them in private that match up with the conversations I have had with mom...not giving away any priviledged details.. just confirming with me that we are all on the same page and she has insisted I be at many of her meetings with her "legel and financial" team.. so that I know and am aware of the expenses and the costs of her care at home ect.
What do i do when she is seen as competant one minute to make her own health decisions and take in information and then...in 5 minutes it is obvious she is clueless?
I told her my hands were tied during this hospitalization since she took over making her own decisions...she says she wants to take it back...I don't know how to answer that...legally during this hospitalization..she really can't .give me back my HCPOA...according to the documents she signed...I am one of 3 of her children. I do everything for her or arrange for all to be done. I let my siblings know when something significant with her health occurs.. then they are all on the phone til she is fine and they disappear. I don't want to be her POA...but what good is being a HCPOA if I have all the responsibilities but no authority?
Boz, wonderful comments, especially about having a relationship with sibling after parent passes. My relationship with my brother and only sibling is ruined because of the way Mom has set up everything and his arrogance. We all were not that close to start with and now if I never heard from either of them I could be happy.
Parents need to think about what damage they do to their children when they play favorites. They should have a really good reason to exclude one child over the other, not some made up lie or silly story. Some people will say that it is the parents right to choose who they want and exclude who they want. True. But when you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. Those consequences can be far reaching.
Your original question asks if "siblings have a RIGHT to know what is in their Mother's legal documents regarding Power of Attorney?"
It depends on how the POA is written.
I had my Mom's POA (she is now deceased) and it clearly stated that I was not required to account to anyone for anything.
While I did keep my siblings (who never visited or phoned the last 6 yrs of her life) abreast of major expenditures via emails they seldom responded to - I did this beause I wanted to, not because i was required to. (Also, they had the ability to oversee the checking account from which I withdrew funds as i provided them with the paswords for online banking. To my knowledge they never did)
A person should give POA to someone they trust to act in their best interest - as this person has the legal authority to conduct their business, finances, etc., on their behalf. Thus legally speaking, asking the POA to keep you informed of their actions is akin to asking Mom to tell you when she writes a check or buys a car. She isn't required to do that - and neither is the POA - at least in my case.
Now that Mom has passed and I am Executor of her estate, I am legally obligated to inform the other heirs (my brothers) of all expenditures. This I do with a monthly accounting via an emailed spreadsheet.
I agree that when papers are signed the best thing is to just have a meeting and tell everyone. Equally I understand that some parents will NOT advise what is in their will as they may change it and or it does not equally divide things and do NOT want their children to treat them based on what they will or will not get when they die. I feel that it's up to the parents to share the documents and that no other child should share the info if the parents ask them not too. Having said that I also believe that if parents are treating children unequally and without good cause and you know it (as their child) AND if you are to be the POA or trustee you can and SHOULD express your concerns and consider refusing to be teh POA or trustee. If there is good cause fine but then they should put the reasons to paper so that when the time comes the POA or trustee can share the logic as written by the parent(S). If you are the POA then share with your parents that you want a relationship with your siblings when they are gone and how THEY handle these matters has long lasting impact. That you may need your siblings help to take care of them and if they resent how things are set up it probably will impact your ability to take care of them with family help. Once you are the POA is in effect (parent unable to handle their own affairs) then I believe sharing the POA document and open comunication if the best policy. After the inital sharing the follow ups could be by e-mail. Anything to keep everyone informed and provide documents to assure them everything is on the up and up from day one.
I feel that all three of us daughters should know what is in Mom's legal papers, in her accounts, account information and etc.... What if something unexpected happens to our sister who is POA and neither my older sister nor I know what to do?
I do believe all immediate family members should know what is in a parent's legal documents. However, I have yet to understand why my mother never told my step-dad about her living will or that she had given me durable and medical POA, and had stored her 1979 will in a lock box where she grew up until 5 years ago which I bet he has never seen. All of the above has made it tough on my relationship with my step-dad.
You are probably right, NoVoice. She probably has no idea that she has hurt you. Hurting you was not her intention at all. That should give you some comfort.
Mom has beginnings of dementia, short term memory isn't good, she still knows family and grandkids, but can't handle bills. Ever since she signed/executed the docs that gave my younger sister 'all powers' figured it wasn't my right to ask.
Mom has NO COMPREHENSION of how deeply she hurt my older sister and me by not giving us ANY legal role, at all. We feel we have been deemed 'unworthy' even though my older sister and I have always been responsible, dependable, did the 'right' things growing up. We've always done what we can to take care of Mom, when necessary, and called her regularly (weekly/every 2 wks).... Meanwhile our younger sister who is the one who declared bankruptcy and has asked for money from Mom several times and of course Mom gave it. Not loans - just outright handouts. But somehow my older sister and I are the 'bad ones'.
You can tell you all have different families than mine. I was always upfront and called everyone about what was going on with my parents when I took care of them. Now that my dad has passed away and my mom is the only one in the picture I have had everything ripped from me. My sisters took my mom down to the attorney and the bank and changed everything. This happened only a month or so after my dad's death. No one even told me. The next thing I knew I was being accused of stealing pot plants from mother and even more crazy bizarre things like that. My sister took control of everything and I stepped back. I just recently stepped back in to help because my mother told me my sister was abusing my mom's bank account. And it turned out to be true so I began the helping process with my mother and canceled the POA, the bank accounts, etc etc.......with my sister knowing what was going on. Now a month later I have been accused of stealing all of my mothers money and taking over. My sisters once again changed the bank account, changed the POA, etc etc.........There was never any money taken....in fact during that months time I bought groceries, prescriptions, and necessities with my own money for my mother. My mom just sits and "Plays" dumb and sides with all of their accusations. The only phone call I get from either sister is just accusations of more items being stolen....ie car keys, safety deposit box key, all the suff in the safety deposit box, house keys etc etc........In their hearts they know I have not done anything wrong and there is nothing missing.....I KNOW I have not done anything wrong all I have done is try and help my mother escape from the evil deceiving winches that my sisters have become but if my mother cannot help herself I dont see a way that I can help her. It is totally destroying me that they could accuse me of such things. They even called APS and fabricated some stories to them. I have all my ducks in a row now and have taped conversations, and signed documents with my mother stating she wanted me to help her and she trusted me. I have copies of disconnect notices when I stepped in where no one had paid her bills. I have a nurse saying she was not being taken care of very well. I have old bank statements showing where my sister used my mothers debit card and continuosly taking cash.........so it has started all over again......mother has sided with them and left me out in the cold with all the accusations and hurt. I stepped back. They have changed everything again and I know nothing of how everything is set up. I just know it is NOT me who is the one chosen to help. I would like to know because lies and deceipt are not how I am and one day I will have to step in again when they all have failed in her care.
It only makes sense to me that all close relatives have copies of documents such as POA and medical proxy. A primary purpose of such documents is to make the parents' wishes known and to appoint someone to carry those wishes out. Why would that be a secret? The more everyone knows what to expect, the better. As for a will, I guess that would be up to the parent to say who should see it.
I recently held a family meeting and went over these documents with our five children, so they know what to expect. Their father is in early stage dementia and is relatively healthy now, so discussions now are less traumatic than they might be at the end.
I just don't understand why any parent wouldn't prepare all children equally, even if responsibilities are divided up.
I am my mothers POA and I suppose if my sister asked me I would show her my mothers will. I don't know that I will show her much more than that because she has no interest in helping me with mother. My mom doesn't have a lot but she does have a few $$ in the bank - no property now as we just sold her place. It would really irritate me if my sister wanted to HELP me manage the money but not HELP me with everyday problems.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We are close and have had discussion after discussion in private and in front of her psychiatrist her legal and financial team..as well as they have shared with me that she has had conversations with them in private that match up with the conversations I have had with mom...not giving away any priviledged details.. just confirming with me that we are all on the same page and she has insisted I be at many of her meetings with her "legel and financial" team.. so that I know and am aware of the expenses and the costs of her care at home ect.
What do i do when she is seen as competant one minute to make her own health decisions and take in information and then...in 5 minutes it is obvious she is clueless?
I told her my hands were tied during this hospitalization since she took over making her own decisions...she says she wants to take it back...I don't know how to answer that...legally during this hospitalization..she really can't .give me back my HCPOA...according to the documents she signed...I am one of 3 of her children. I do everything for her or arrange for all to be done. I let my siblings know when something significant with her health occurs.. then they are all on the phone til she is fine and they disappear. I don't want to be her POA...but what good is being a HCPOA if I have all the responsibilities but no authority?
Parents need to think about what damage they do to their children when they play favorites. They should have a really good reason to exclude one child over the other, not some made up lie or silly story. Some people will say that it is the parents right to choose who they want and exclude who they want. True. But when you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. Those consequences can be far reaching.
It depends on how the POA is written.
I had my Mom's POA (she is now deceased) and it clearly stated that I was not required to account to anyone for anything.
While I did keep my siblings (who never visited or phoned the last 6 yrs of her life) abreast of major expenditures via emails they seldom responded to - I did this beause I wanted to, not because i was required to. (Also, they had the ability to oversee the checking account from which I withdrew funds as i provided them with the paswords for online banking. To my knowledge they never did)
A person should give POA to someone they trust to act in their best interest - as this person has the legal authority to conduct their business, finances, etc., on their behalf. Thus legally speaking, asking the POA to keep you informed of their actions is akin to asking Mom to tell you when she writes a check or buys a car. She isn't required to do that - and neither is the POA - at least in my case.
Now that Mom has passed and I am Executor of her estate, I am legally obligated to inform the other heirs (my brothers) of all expenditures. This I do with a monthly accounting via an emailed spreadsheet.
Good luck to you.
I feel that it's up to the parents to share the documents and that no other child should share the info if the parents ask them not too.
Having said that I also believe that if parents are treating children unequally and without good cause and you know it (as their child) AND if you are to be the POA or trustee you can and SHOULD express your concerns and consider refusing to be teh POA or trustee. If there is good cause fine but then they should put the reasons to paper so that when the time comes the POA or trustee can share the logic as written by the parent(S).
If you are the POA then share with your parents that you want a relationship with your siblings when they are gone and how THEY handle these matters has long lasting impact. That you may need your siblings help to take care of them and if they resent how things are set up it probably will impact your ability to take care of them with family help.
Once you are the POA is in effect (parent unable to handle their own affairs) then I believe sharing the POA document and open comunication if the best policy. After the inital sharing the follow ups could be by e-mail. Anything to keep everyone informed and provide documents to assure them everything is on the up and up from day one.
Mom has NO COMPREHENSION of how deeply she hurt my older sister and me by not giving us ANY legal role, at all. We feel we have been deemed 'unworthy' even though my older sister and I have always been responsible, dependable, did the 'right' things growing up. We've always done what we can to take care of Mom, when necessary, and called her regularly (weekly/every 2 wks).... Meanwhile our younger sister who is the one who declared bankruptcy and has asked for money from Mom several times and of course Mom gave it. Not loans - just outright handouts. But somehow my older sister and I are the 'bad ones'.
I recently held a family meeting and went over these documents with our five children, so they know what to expect. Their father is in early stage dementia and is relatively healthy now, so discussions now are less traumatic than they might be at the end.
I just don't understand why any parent wouldn't prepare all children equally, even if responsibilities are divided up.
It would really irritate me if my sister wanted to HELP me manage the money but not HELP me with everyday problems.