Both parents have had combination of strokes or heart issues. Our son says he has no desire to cause them unnecessary emotional or mental harm that could result in physiological harm, and he is okay if he never sees them again. They are highly opinionated against LGBTQ. But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.
Another reason is because they sometimes wander off. (And could stray from your home if you’re not there). Or could do what my mom would do before she moved there and set her TV dinner for 60 minutes instead of 6 minutes and 3 times the fire department had to come out. The disease progressed rapidly. For so many reasons including your son’s inability to feel comfortable in his own home, don’t have them live with you if you can avoid it. And if anyone should tell them about his lifestyle, it should be him when he is ready, if ever. He shouldn’t be unwelcomed in his own home and scoffed at by those that should love him unconditionally. I know it’s easier said than done, but I say find an assisted living a mile away from you and visit them everyday if you must, but let your son be allowed to come home.
That being said, please slow down. You have a lot to consider.
I admire you for being willing to accept your parents into your home. With a well thought plan, this can be very beneficial for ALL generations. I personally know of many families who have gone this route and it works. Are there snags along the way? Of course. Aren't there snags when two people marry and move in together? When children come along? But, with the desire to live peaceably, these snags become the strength of the relationships.
Your child will decide which path to take. Perhaps at this juncture, it is easier to say no, I won't be visiting, because it is difficult to be around family. As the comfort comes with settling into a new gender, so will the ability to be comfortable with those who knew the old gender. Acceptance needs to be shared on both sides of this.
The most important aspect of this, for me is, learn to accept each other. You can only do this by allowing every person to have their beliefs and know you may differ. That's the way we are made! This doesn't need to cause divisiveness. Love the person doesn't mean, everything about them. You love your parents, but you may not love everything about them. You love your child as well, but you may not have loved everything, especially if there was teen rebellion along the way!
I close in sharing a situation I am personally close to. Friends share a home with his 97 yr old mother and their grown son. Three generations. Yes, g-mother is "very conservative." A couple of years ago, a great-granddaughter (mom is not one under this roof) entered a relationship with a trans gender. It was a shock to many family members. But they all shared their feelings, loving each other through it. With time, all 4 generations have a good relationship. G-g-mother has visited the home of her g-g-daughter and is very happy to be with her and her mate. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings. They don't need to embrace others "lifestyle" as their own. They love and accept.
Please be kind to each other. Set your boundaries, but do so with love.
The g parents would definitely notice physical changes as drastic as what gender reassignment entails. He will not be able to 'tone it done' for the gparents.
You know your parents and if you think that they can't handle the conversation, then don't initiate it. When your son visits, If your parents ask questions, answer them. You don't need to get too far into the weeds with it, but answer them truthfully.
I agree with many others that your shouldn't be shutting your child out of your life because the trans *might* upset the parents. Given statistics, conditions and ages, you child is likely to be around a lot longer than the parents - maintain a GOOD relationship with this child and that means including them in your life NOW as well as in the future after the parents have passed on.
I also agree with the others in that caring for one person with many needs can be very difficult, challenging and sometimes disastrous - make that 2 people with many needs, my sympathy to you in advance!!!
Should you choose to still take them in, all the best to you, but this is YOUR child we are talking about. If said child were wildly liberal, would that be a problem with these ultra conservative parents? If said child took on a profession that was objectionable to the parents, would that be a problem? If said child were participating in all the protests, would that be a problem with the parents? If the child took up some other religion that was anathema to the parents' religion, would that be an issue? Honestly this is really no different. It isn't ANYONE'S business what someone else is doing in and with their life. They are a person, just like the rest of us and should be treated with respect no matter what .
Sure, the child's visible look may change, but if the parents don't ask, why stir the pot? There really isn't a NEED to tell them anything. If your child WANTS to tell them, so be it, that is your child's business. Again, I don't see the point in "announcing" it to them or anyone, really. One doesn't need to hide it, but one doesn't need to flaunt it either. It is what it is and doesn't need to be plastered everywhere. It is a personal issue.
BUT, that child should still be welcome in YOUR home, no matter what the parents think or say. IF they are told and/or figure it out and make a stink, you need to correct them - they are living in YOUR house under YOUR rules. They don't like it, they can stay in their room or MOVE. It is YOUR home, YOUR child, YOUR call.
For everyone who heard from their parents as a teenager - “While you are living under our roof you will follow our rules!” Wouldn’t it be great to flip that switch?!!
They may surprise you.
Parents are stringer than you think.
They might even have an idea about their Grandson already.
If they don't want to continue seeing their Grandson then that's their loss and your Grandson's.
Tell them as it's better coming from you then hearing about it from strangers.
If the parents don't have really bad dementia issues, you might try talking with them about your son. They could surprise you by saying they already knew something. They loved him before and he loved them, they may be ok with it and never say a word to hurt his feelings. Find a way to approach the subject just to see how it goes in regard to their own grandson. There is every chance that past comments they have made are not the way they feel about him.
I told my oldest he could visit our home as long as he and his friend were not showing intimate affection for each other they could visit. A few years ago at Christmas time we met my oldest and his friend for dinner, not one minute after they arrived they started with the honey this and that making our youngest who was 9 at the time wonder what was going on with the honey this and that. She'd forgotten all about it by the time we got home. Later I called my oldest and told him, he lost my confidence and respect for his behavior in front of such a small child with special needs. We still talk on the phone but I've told him I can no longer travel and if he came to visit again, he'd have to come to our house alone. He is an alcoholic and abuses several of the more exotic drugs, yes I love him but I have to look out for my youngest who is 26 years younger than he is. My wife and I will judge when she will be told about his lifestyle.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ four years ago, and I am declining. Many readers won't like my position, but my wife and I devoutly practice our faith. We all must do what is best for our family, We are responsible for our family, nobody else's. I wish you all the best.
As you implied, most holiday traditions are to gather family to remember or celebrate. A little word play, but at the root of conservative is conserve. One could argue that conserving family unity is conservative.
1. Moving your parents in with you will cause a lot of heartache and problems. If they are so strict and old school, your whole life will change to accommodate them. Plus, it is an error to move parents in, period.
2. How can you even think of moving your parents into your house and making your son stay away?? What are you thinking! Good way to hurt your child. Make him feel unwelcome! Nice move Mom. Unbelievable!