Should a sibling, who has not contributed any funds for our father's funeral, be allowed to have a say in mom's final arrangements?

You can’t change what’s already taken place and you most certainly can’t force a sister to pay. The sister who signed for the financial obligation of this will have to pay. It may well be that you don’t find this fair, but it doesn’t change the fact that no one can be forced to pay for anything they didn’t sign up for. The most important thing now is to learn from this before the next time. Do only a funeral that’s within whatever small budget your mother’s assets will allow when the time comes. A big, elaborate funeral and expensive casket aren’t needed, those things don’t change your memories. Funerals are a financial racket in my opinion, don’t do this again. I wish you peace

Sad that the 'final' days of someone's life can be the most stressful and difficult times--actually, NONE of you are truly responsible for the funeral. But that's my opinion.

During this pandemic and the alterations to the 'norm' we have had 7 friends and/or relatives pass. No funerals, no viewings, just a small graveside service and a plan to possibly get together later to have a reminiscence. A few of the people had opted for cremation, and the widows both opted to wait until the world stops freaking out and then they will have a service. One is actually going to be remarried by the time they have her deceased husband's service!

I'm not cheap, but the thought of spending $20K on a funeral just grinds my gears. My FIL's funeral was the result of 3 guilty kids feeling like they'd not done a very good job being kids--and went with the most expensive coffin, headstone and flowers. Dad was buried in the most expensive piece of furniture he ever owned. I bit my tongue and never said anything.

Tomorrow, my BF from high school is bringing my DH and me our 'colombariums'--the 'urns' our ashes will reside in. He is a master woodworker and is only charging me $200 for the set. I don't know if I will opt to put them in a niche in our cemetery or make them 'traveling trophies'. Each kid can 'host us' for 2 months a year.

I feel for you--don't make a huge deal out of this. Families will completely fracture over things like this and you have to ask yourself if is was worth it.

I'm sorry for your loss--don't lose a sister over this too.

You are approaching this all wrong.

Is there a reason why you and one sister think a funeral is worth going in to debt over? And when your fathers arrangements were made, did all of you agree to split the cost and then one sister never paid her share? Or did one of you go to the funeral home & take on a debt expecting that everyone would chip in?

If you’ve learned anything from your fathers final arrangement, it should be that funerals are racket & you shouldn’t plan something that the deceased cannot afford to pay for! Cremation is inexpensive & remains can be scattered or kept in urn in someone’s home. Instead of trying to seek revenge on the sister who didn’t help pay for your fathers funeral, you should be focusing on how to give your mom a proper send off that doesn’t require anyone to take on debt, or sibling to have to pay $10k for the funeral. Start planning ahead. You can cut costs by planning ahead & finding an urn, casket, headstone, etc online instead of buying them from the funeral home at a big mark up. See if mom can afford to start setting aside money each month to pay for a burial trust or cremation.

I don't believe that adult kids should have to pay for their parent's funeral. If your sister doesn't have the money to help pay for dad's past funeral and probably won't have the money to help pay for mom's funeral (even making payments) then why is she made out to be left out or feel bad about not being able to pay?

I think it is very sad to use money as a power-play and to make someone feel like they are not part of the family because they don't have the money...so what...she doesn't get a say in ANYTHING!!! Money is a sad reason to break up a family over.

However, if your YS agreed to help pay for dad's funeral and won't pay then no she should have no say in planning mom's funeral.

Can she help in small ways that have nothing to do with money?

Just remember how you 3 sisters handle dad and mom's funeral will be the stepping stone for your relationships for the rest of your 3 lives! Be caution how you handle all of this....I speak from experience!

It got buried but I will post it again up here—

The people who should be involved in the planning are the ones who are paying for the funeral. If you and your sister will be paying for your moms services, then the two of you get to call the shots. What you say goes. It’s your money. If your other sister isn’t going to help pay, then don’t include her in the planning. If she wants to volunteer her time to help set up or prepare a slide show, please allow her to do that. But decision making? Expenses? No you don't have to allow her to have a say in any of that.

Dap2020,
Just my 2 cents. If your financially unstable sister is making reasonable suggestions then maybe carefully consider them.
Not really sure what the status of your relationship was before Dad's passing, but you still have to live your life after the funeral is over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let money be a wedge to drive you and your sister apart.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. Only you know what you can live with.
Sometimes doing the right thing is often the hardest thing!
Good luck and God bless!

Can you re-negotiate with the funeral home over services not yet rendered? For example, can you scale back on the grave marker to save a few thousand? My Mom passed away a few years ago, and I bought her grave marker online a few months after her simple grave side service. It saved at least a few thousand dollars, and it’s a beautiful quality item; I just bought it in a new way/ Mom is proud of me for saving money- I am sure of that !!

With regard to funerals and siblings......I learned from experience.  I had to plan Dad's funeral since my Mom was in rehab for a fall down the stairs.  I handled everything from the funeral home, the church services, the military service, getting his uniform in pristine condition, everything he would have wanted.  My two sisters had to put in their two sense about everything, though they had been estranged from my parents for months prior.  I ordered the flowers which we had discussed beforehand, and took care of the bill, since one lived out of town.  The two of them showed up at the funeral, which was three years ago, and I (and my Mom) have not seen or heard from them since.  And, I was stuck with their florist bill which they never paid afterward.  So, the moral of the story is: do what you feel is right for your parents, for you. And don't go out of your way to do anything for anyone unless they are actively involved and offering to help.  That way there is nothing to fight about and no grudges to hold.  They have to live with their choices for the balance of their lives, and you can hold your head up and know that you did right by your parents.
Lessons Learned.

Dap2020,
I know you've received a lot of advice. I just wanted to share one more reason to consider the situation carefully.
When my father passed 2 years ago, fortunately he had most everything paid for.
My youngest brother was executor of his trust.
After the sale of my father's house the proceeds were to be split between my two brothers and myself. Unfortunately, my brother didn't share the fact that his business was in financial trouble and he owed back taxes. Needless to say what he didn't use for his business was seized by the government.
It would have been easy to cut ties with him at the time! I was furious!! But I didn't.
Fast forward to last October when my Uncle passed. My youngest brother did everything he could to help me deal with what I can only describe as a nightmare. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him!!
For me, I couldn't throw a childhood full of fond memories because of money.
Even though I was hurt and angry, I'm so glad that I put family over finances!
Food for thought!!
God bless!!

Dap2020, does your younger sister have a history of not contributing to group efforts while still reaping the benefits? Because while you said that there wasn’t a discussion about the siblings pitching in to pay for dads funeral, that arrangements were made between 2 siblings with the expectation that everyone would help pay the bill.....I’m wondering if you don’t have a sibling that is notoriously unable to help contribute financially? Even if they have the money to do so. Many of of us have one in our family. It’s my BIL (husbands brother). We took a 2500 mile road trip one summer to visit family. The plan was to take turns paying for gas. As soon as we hit the road, he asks if we can pay for the gas on the way there and they will pay for it on the way back because money was tight until payday at the end of the week. Ok no problem, we understood. But then his wife kept ordering the most expensive meal on the menu every time we stopped to eat. And they insisted on one check & put down enough cash to pay for their meals but not the tax and tip! (We put an end to that on the way home). When we got to our destination, every time the car needed gas, they decided to stay behind and forego our plans so WE had to pay for the gas even though it was their turn. Few years later, there is a discussion with my MIL about buying a $1k wooden swing set/playhouse from Costco for all the grandkids, to be kept in her backyard. Split four ways we each pay around $275. My BIL said he *might* be able to come up with $100. Whether or not he ever gave my MIL the $100, I don’t know. But I do know that he sat on the patio and watched my husband and SILs husband putting the swing set together for 4 hours and he wouldn’t help! Then when my FIL died and they decided to bury him in his home state over 2000 miles away, he and my SIL had their hearts set on a family RV road trip. But guess who said he couldn’t afford to split the cost of renting an RV & paying for the gas 3 ways? My BIL. My SIL arranged to borrow an RV from her in-laws but it needed new tires and my SIL suggested we pay for the new tires in exchange for being able to use the RV for a week. Guess who still couldn’t afford to pay his fair share for the gas and 2 tires? My BIL. It’s not that he couldn’t, it’s that he wouldn’t. We ended up flying because we weren’t gonna pay for his share of the RV and gas. My SIL took the RV and let him ride with her. He always has an excuse why he can’t be an equal contributor. One year we went with my parents & MIL and step-FIL to Disneyland. One night while we are there, my BIL who was in the area for work, meets up with us at an Italian restaurant where they serve family style meals. We decide each “family” will pick one entree and then split the bill. Guess who flat out said he wasn’t going to help pay when the bill came? I could go on but my point is......

My point is.....when you have a family member that never pays their fair share but gets to reap the benefits because everyone else paid, it gets OLD. so if your sister has a habit of this, I understand. And I stand by what I said—if she isn’t going to help pay, she should have no say when it comes to expenses. She should be allowed to help plan the service but when it comes to costs, I see no reason why you are obligated to let her have a say in it. If there will be a casket-you and other sister get to choose. If there is a reception following the service, those that are paying for it can choose the menu. If you want a bed of pink roses to cover the casket and non paying sister thinks mom would have wanted red then she can pay for red roses.