I live with my parents. My mother has alzheimer's and my father is the primary care giver. He expects me to fill in twice a day so he can leave the house. The thing is he's been abusive to me all my life and isn't that great to me now. Plus I'm at a dead-end low-paying job where I'm treated badly there as well. I'm at my wits end and feel dead inside. I want my life back and feel like I have the right to take care of myself and pursue a better career, etc. I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?
I will only retract my statement about the $10, not the rest of it. If you were in fact paying your share of the expenses AND had already lived on your own before living with your parents, you wouldn't be taking all this abuse. You would already have stood up to your dad as self-respecting people usually do, secured living accommodations elsewhere, or both.
There's always three sides to a story: yours, his, and the truth. When we, while seeking support, don't present the whole picture it's only natural that others will evaluate, judge, assume, and jump to conclusions based on what you're telling them. All our opinions in this forum are well intended. Unfortunately, there are individuals who pretend they need support/help when in fact all they're looking for is commiserate with others who tell them what they want to hear. That I can't do.
I suggest you be more specific in the future, that way there won't be any further misunderstandings and you'll actually find effective strategies to help you cope with your situation.
-- ED
I am glad you don't consider yourself being abused at work. I am sure there are times when MOST people consider they have been treated badly at work in one way or another so in that way you are no different than others. But if you are unhappy with your job and want to achieve more, then you will have to work towards such an achievement. This is why I urge you to "go for it". This doesn't mean you won't do ANYTHING more to help out your dad with the care of your mom. You haven't said what the relationship between you and your mom has been like over the years but if it has been a good relationship, of course you will want to maintain that relationship. If not, and since you and your father haven't had a good relationship, you will need to figure out how much your concern and love for your parents requires you to do for them now. This is an "adult" decision and one that you will have to live with the rest of your life so good luck in making that CHOICE.
it tore my body up bad . all that pyhiscal work . its like walkin on threadmill for 10 hrs non stop .
job s are hard to find now days . i could have left that job long time ago but i didnt . i dont know why , lol .
you;ll know when its time to do something about it . THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING . can only do one thing and one day at a time . it doesnt happens over night .
i wish you well and your future .
youre prob the reason that the lord wants u to stay home and watch over ur parents . so be it . but plz remeber youre human also . do not let your father talk down at ya , when he does that , just walk away .
i had to deal with my husband this morning , my dauighter found half grown kitty and the guys was going to shoot it ! she saved his life and brought it home . i woke up in a good morning and find my husband growling like a @#@%@!@#.. i told him to hit the road ! im a grown woman almost 48 yrs old and i will not put up with that crap . i wake up in a good mood ya better make sure i stay in a good mood . well guess what im in a piss off mood . :-)
From your post, I understand the need to get away from an abusive situation and pursue a fulfilling life. Still, I'm puzzled. If you're abused at home and abused at work, what makes you think you'll be harm-free if you just pack your things -- as some here have suggested -- and move out? How long do you think you'll last on $10 an hour when apparently you've never been on your own? Do you really think you're ready to throw caution to the wind?
It's your parent's house, and you have to abide by their rules -- especially if you don't pay rent and are still somewhat dependent. In a nutshell, if you are in fact an able-bodied adult they're not obligated to house and care for you. That being the case try working out a schedule with your father, who's clearly under a lot of stress from watching the love of his life unravel before his eyes. Perhaps if you both agree on a specific time to substitute for him he won't be so prone to take it out on you. If he still continues to be abusive after having reached a compromise as to how best care for your mom, tell him he's going to have to make other arrangements if he wants to take a break and/or run errands. You might be risking him telling you to move out, but I doubt it because he needs you. Actually, you need each other. So work it out and refuse to be abused. At least you'll have a roof over your head while making sincere and realistic plans to leave the nest and land on your feet no matter where you go. Wish you the best.
-- ED
Carol
I am sorry you are in a deadend job where you are not treated well. Would you have to stay with that job if you still continued to live in your parents house and filled in for your dad twice a day? And now, sorry, but I have other questions. How long have you been working and still living with your parents? Have you been paying board and room? How old are your parents and how capable is your dad of looking after your mom now that she has Alzheimer's? Does your mother like your dad's care? How advanced is the Alzheimer's? How well is your dad? Can your parents afford to hire someone to provide a break for your dad or could you help your dad find home helpers whose wages are subsidized by the government? I am sure you know that "getting your life back" by moving out of your parent's home and pursuing a new career won't mean that you are free to leave your mother and father on their own to muddle through the situation facing them. They will still need help whether you live with them or not. I wish you good luck in finding a better job AND helping out your parents. Now, get going at working towards this and you will feel less trapped and dead.
Anyway, think about your mother's welfare and the logistics of caring for your mother. If you move out, you could still spell your father on YOUR schedule, say promise four days of 3-4 hours each. You could also do shopping errands on the way, offer to do yardwork outside while your father is with your mother.
Since he's leaving to do errands, etc, you won't have much contact with him and could probably be more a helpful visitor, a ray of light for your mother. Not someone always put upon and abused.
This threshold of I want "MY LIFE back!" is something every caregiver faces. And having the right to a happy fulfilling life? sure why not? But that's what all deadbeat siblings are saying while the single sibling caregiver is stuck with 24/7. (Guess which one develops "character"?)
Your father, abusive as you say he is, is nevertheless standing with his wife as primary caregiver. You've posted your original message days ago, so assume you didn't click the "notify me when others respond" button. Are you even reading these? Hello?
I would hope you could help find another way to get your father respite. Your father's life is upside down, the woman he married is declining and he is doing what he can. There is no easy answer here, good luck.
Carol