Please help. My mom will not bathe any more.
My mom's hygiene has went downhill over these past couple years. My mother will not take a shower or bathe. Says she's scared of falling. Well then take a bath or ask me for help I offer. It's not like she's 90 years old and unable to move around. She's 52 and works 40+ hours a week. She has the energy and strength to do so but she just chooses not too anymore. I guess you would call it her will power. All she does when she gets off work is come home sit in her chair and chain smoke cigarettes and plays on Facebook with her phone like she's a teenager in middle school or something. When it comes to hygiene she's just lazy and doesn't care anymore.We're going on day 20 maybe 22. I lost count. Now that's sad I have to keep count of when my mother bathes, but that's nothing. One time last year she went over 2 months with out taking one! it was like 65-70 days without bathing. She also stopped brushing, washing her hair. She just left it in a bun and stopped brushing, so now it's all matted together in a bun shape and doesn't need a hair tie that's how matted it is. It looks like a bird's nest it is disgusting. A little collection of everything that comes into contact with it and just sticks like linen, pieces of paper etc. She knows it's gross looking because when she goes out into public she makes sure she wears her work hat, so I know she's embarrassed but she won't wash it to try and fix the problem. She doesn't change her clothes. She wears her nasty, dirty work clothes day after day even when it's her day off. Last but not least she doesn't brush her teeth. I understand some people forget every now and then and that's understandable but she doesn't forget she just doesn't brush her teeth. Last time I remember seeing her brush was over a year ago. The brushing the teeth issue is the least of my concerns right now. I love her to death but this is a serious health issue and I can not take this anymore. This is affecting our relationship. Who do I contact to get help or go about getting these problems taken care of? Please somebody help me.
It's nice of you to try to help your mom but, as you can see, there's nothing you can do.
The suggestions here are good but won't matter if she's not going to act on them. You can't force a person to do something they don't want to do.
It is not your responsibility to help your mom with bathing but I can understand how disgusting it must be.
I hope you really want to get back with your ex and are not just leaving because you don't have a job and don't want to live with your mom anymore.
Good luck.
Sudden changes in hygiene or personal grooming/clothing - refusing to bathe, change, or care for one's appearance, are often a sign of some kind of sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse is not something a mother would necessarily tell her children about - and women of older generations are much more shame-bound and silent about it than younger women. I wouldn't be too quick to reject the notion, since so many women have experienced some form of sexual assault or sexual harassment.
It may not have even been a recent incident. My now 79-year old mother was very triggered about past workplace sexual harassment (going back to the '50s and '60s) by news reports over the last few years on the (edit: "alleged") sexually abusive behaviours of famous men - in particular, Ghomeshi (here in Canada), Cosby, Trump, and Weinstein. The #metoo movement has also brought up memories for many women.
Changes in hygiene and personal grooming/clothing are also a sign of depression.
Sometimes they go hand-in-hand.
My Father has also stopped showering (and never has been able to get down into a tub due to knee problems and surgery). He sometimes will shower if my mother or I keep telling him to do it all day... It is very frustrating!
He washes his hair and shaves at the sink, I'm not sure if he really dose anything beyond that on a regular basis???
I hope you can figure out some way to help your mom understand that she needs to care for her personal hygiene.
I get it about mom not liking medical care, but something is off if she is choosing to sleep on days off. I used to do the same thing. I was worn out, such low energy.
She needs to be evaluated by a doctor imo, do blood tests and also tell them about how much she's sleeping. I hope she'll see the wisdom in going in and talking to a doc about how tired she is. That's not normal. And she could get significant help, and possibly get on the track to feeling much, much better. She doesn't have any quality of life right now like this. :-(
I don't know how to address the attitude issue, but there are other ways to keep clean besides immersion bathing. No rinse products are used extensively, in my experience. And patience, attitude and support make a big difference, and those in turn depend on the compassion and approach of the staff.
There were some good suggestions a few years ago by Maggie Marshall, a former poster, and other posters on making the bathing experience very pleasurable by adding soft music, aromatherapy, treats before and after, etc.
Others have experienced that "I'm not going to bathe!" issue and found some creative ways to deal with it, slowly, one step at a time.
Try the first 3 hits of this link:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=Maggie Marshall, bathing experiences
More hits:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=bathing+as+a+pleasant+experience
I can understand your frustration. There might be something else going on with your mother that has been an underlying factor in her refusal to bathe. Others here have experienced that and could probably address the issue better than I can.
And the falling fear could certainly be a factor. There are shower benches that can be used. They extend over the bathtub; the person sits down on the bench, scoots over, holding onto the bench while lifting her/his legs, then takes an immersion or sponge bath, all while seated.
We got one of those benches for my mother. It was a challenge though to (a) keep her warm while getting washed) (now I would only wash one part at a time, allowing her to remain covered and warm, but I was still learning back then), and (b) those moments when the bath is over and before getting dressed.
That's why one part at a time while still almost fully clothed is safer and warmer.
Another thing I wish I knew at the time was the power of music, before and after, to make the experience less traumatic.
Perhaps you should buy a plastic shower chair and put it in her bathtub. That excuse about falling won't work anymore and she might get a little closer to admitting that she doesn't bathe because she doesn't want to.