For some context, My partner (M) and I (F) are both 25 and have been together for 5 years. He has been taking care of his mother for the last few years. She was homeless but he got her into hotels and would bring her everything she needed. Eventually he was able to find her a place and shared rent with her on it and would get her groceries and take care of her. In December 2021 she started having severe health problems and has spent the last 2.5 months in the hospital. She got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He had to make the hard decision of whether to be her caregiver. It was an incredibly hard situation but he decided that he can’t handle that right now. Understandably so, he is young and works 6 days a week. He has 3 other older siblings but none of them have a good relationship with his mother and don’t speak to her much at all. He is the only person she talks to, every day they talk on the phone and he does his best to go visit her but it is so hard for him mentally to see her in that state. Lately he is exhausted and sleeps when he doesn’t work. We’ve become distant. I’ve done my best to let him know I’m here to support him however he needs. And I’ve given him lots of space to process everything. But the last month has been so incredibly hard. He has good days and bad days and on the good days he’s so thankful for our relationship and my support. But on the bad days he says that it’s hard for him to worry about anything but his mom. He doesn’t have access to therapy because he doesn’t have insurance. So his mental health is not in a good place right now.
I guess what I’m asking is for support and advice from those who may have been in a similar situation. I am nervous for his mental health. I know he doesn’t want to break up but he just doesn’t have the capacity for a lot of things right now. What would you do in my situation? If you’d stay, How can I support him?
I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself 32 years younger, and that's said with all compassion and no condescension.
What I'd do with your BF is work out exactly HOW you jointly will help, and crucially, what your personal boundaries are. One reasonable boundary is that she can never live with you in the long-term, period.
How you may help is by helping her get into a Medicaid SNF or if there are assets perhaps an AL or MC option. If this is a long-term relationship, you do have the right,, right now, to say that you will not be the caregiver, or have him pay for the aides, or whatever your boundary is as you formulate it.
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If you were to leave him at this point in his life, he'd likely feel utter despair! If you love him, I think you need to find a way to help him THROUGH this terrible situation he's going through. Even without insurance, he should see a doctor about getting some anti-depressants. Many many doctors, when they know a patient does not have insurance, will agree to take a flat rate (reasonable) to see him and then discuss a course of treatment. He has a job and makes a salary; if he was helping his mother with rent which is no longer a necessity, he can use THAT money to help HIMSELF now by seeing a doctor. There also may be free or low cost therapy/counseling available to him via social services in his county. Or, he may be eligible for Medicaid health insurance; has he looked into that possibility? If not, he needs to b/c depression can lead to the loss of his job and even the loss of his life, God forbid. If he can get on some meds and/or get some counseling to help him, then he may be able to accept the situation mom finds herself in and come to terms with it. Then the two of you can move on with your relationship when he's not bogged down in the muck & the mire of HER situation. He, right now, can't see the forest through the trees; depression is standing in the way.
Wishing you the best of luck helping your b/f get the medical help he needs.
1. Only he can change his mindset. You can assist him in getting help, but unless he wants to change, he won't.
2. You are young and this is a time in your life when you should be growing financially, with stability, security, and if you desire your own family. You won't be able to do this with your partner in his current state.
3. His mother could live for years or even a decade, you need to think about how this could impact your life for a very long time if you decide to stay.
I was 29 when my mother was in an accident and needed full-time care. She is still alive and I am now 53. I know my partner wouldn't have stayed with me had I dropped everything to care for her or spent all my time focused on her, not because he didn't love me, but because we had our own life to live.
I would have a plan. Help him get the mental support he needs, but also be clear about what you want from a partner. If he can't provide that within your time frame, you need to either accept the situation or leave.
Since it seems you both have to work a lot, you both need to create a plan that allows each of you enough time to meet individual needs, your relationship needs, and then address his mom's needs. Keep talking and encouraging each other. Get help from a counsellor if need be.
Some churches offer grief counseling that is on a sliding fee scale or free. Sometimes there are grief support groups. He needs to do something. Maybe offer to go with him to the first one or two.
The other piece that needs addressing is that he should consider allowing her county to acquire guardianship of her so that she'll get placement into a facility where she will receive the care she needs. Eventually he won't be able to afford her monthly care. He needs to contact county social services and get an idea of what resources are available now and in the future. He can also contact his local area's Agency on Aging. May you both gain peace in your hearts on this journey.
Has your partner talked with the people where his mother is - they can at least refer him to places where he can get some support and make sure he understands the services they provide. Has he talked with his siblings -they may be willing to provide him with some support even if they won't deal with their mother. I also agree that if he could provide her with financial support, that he should have some money to get some counseling. He needs a lot of support to get his feelings understood and ways to deal with his concerns.
Sometime the heart just does not know what is best. When it comes to depression their is often very little friends and families can do. Even professional help may not lead to great success and it will take years even with medication. This should not be how you life out your younger years even if you stay together you will may very well come to resent your partner when your life is not how you picture it.
You need to look at this relationship again. Your BF certainly shouldn’t be worrying about his mother now, when she has a stable place to live and a state appointed guardian. Too much involvement in the past, with his mother at an age where she is the only one able to be in charge of her own life? Withdrawal symptoms now, perhaps? It’s so strange, it might even suggest a double life – 6 days at work and asleep the rest of the time makes that almost possible.
Whether or not he can afford therapy, he needs to sort himself out. You can’t do it for him, and you have been trying to do it for far too long. At age 25, you shouldn’t be shackling yourself to an unfixable problem. Whether or not he is ‘thankful for your support’, you need a man who stands on his own two feet.
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