Parents don't like their ALF and want to move back into a condo. What to do?

You say this to your parents and then you carry it out.

1. "This is very poor decision making, and a very bad mistake."
2. "If you do this I will not enable you in ANY WAY. I will not accept your calls; I will not help you shop or make or keep appointments. I will leave you utterly and completely ALONE with your bad decision making, and turn off my phone to your calls. You will call 911 when you need me."
3. Privately I would discuss this with the admins at the facility.

This is really no time to engage in these ugly games.

I do not know if your parents are competent to make this decision. The mere fact your father is considering this likely means his competency has already taken a bit of a hit.
I cannot know if your mother is and always was the puppet whose strings are manipulated by this man.
I would not discuss this with him after the above.

As far as how social they wish to be that's up to them. My brother, before his move to ALF was very monk like and singular in his living. He joined few things, but did join some few eventually. That is up to them, and doesn't really need your input.

I'm assuming you're PoA for both parents?

If so, it's time to make sure the PoA is active (if you haven't already done this). You will probably need to get them tested for cognitive/memory impairment by their primary doctor (mostly work on your Dad since he's the nag). You get a letter on the clinic letterhead signed by his doctor that basically states he has sufficient incapacity to now need the help of his PoA to act for him. This will end any ability he may have to actually go through with moving (even if he no longer drives). Then, you start having most of his daily calls go to voicemail and only talk to him up until he starts going on about hating the AL and moving. You can attempt to "inform" him that you aren't going to help them move but I highly doubt it will have any impact. Hi neediness is most likely moderate dementia and loss of empathy for others, along with loss of reason and logic are hallmarks of this level if impairment.

Few elders are ever thrilled about transitioning into AL, no matter how nice of a place it is. He won't put the brakes on his imagined urgencies so you will be the only one to do this by having clear boundaries for yourself. You will no longer be able to convince him on anything with dementia so please stop trying as you will exhaust yourself.

Get on with your own personal life and talk to them a few times a week. Don't allow him to go on and on about moving out. Change the topic, distract him with something, take them to an activity at the AL and then leave before it's over, or just walk out if he doesn't stop. You won't be able to make him happy. His brain is broken. He may need meds for anxiety and depression if he isn't already on some.

You are right that they should be thankful for being in a great place that they can afford, but this won't matter. It is what it is.

Who does dad think is going to drive him around, a personal chauffeur, or would that be you as well?

The way to convince your father to stay put is to refuse to help him with one single thing. Refuse his phone calls too. Not to be mean, but to put your foot down. Parents have no idea what it's like for us to be only children and saddled with ALL of their nonsense! So we need to be firm and concise and truthful. State what you will NOT do, and then don't do it. A man losing his sight is in no position to live independently and cannot thrive w/o a LOT of help from you. Which you are not available to give hi. You do not support dangerous decisions.

2 months is nothing. Dad hasn't given himself enough time to adjust to AL, although having a 2 bedroom apartment in a nice building is the exact same thing as having a nice 2 bedroom condo, except in AL you get meals, entertainment and assistance. Dad can hole up in his 2 bdrm apt all day and be adjusted in no time. He just loves to complain bc when he rings for service, an aide is not there in 12.3 seconds.

Stand your ground and stop asking How High when dad says jump. When he realizes he's on his own with this lunacy, he'll have to back down.

You’ve jumped through more than enough hoops. Whatever happy was for your parents is over, no matter the living arrangement. You’ve done great at getting them somewhere safe and where their needs can be met. Enough! Make it very clear no more help or even listening of they move. Dad is being unreasonable, often a sign of dementia. Don’t participate in the madness

You do nothing, do not assist them in any way. Obviously, he is used to being in charge and getting his way, you can stop this by telling him that you will have nothing to do with them leaving the facility or finding a condo to buy and you will no longer be their crutch by doing everything for them.

He wants to be totally independent then that is what he has to do, be able to take care of himself 100% that includes calling Uber if he needs to go somewhere, you do not drive him.

If they do not want to acclimate to their new surroundings that is their problem not yours.

Set your boundaries and stick to them, your priority is you and your family.

Sending support your way.

They just barely got there. Many elders at first say " I dont like it". Keep in mind, things just get worse with age overall and the amount of help needed increases.

If they rented or bought a condo now, sooner or later they will need increasing help in the condo, plus help to drive around, and somehow need to get fed if they are no longer able to cook themselves etc. In general, over time if full time in home care is needed, the costs can easily become higher than AL!

If they have dementia, they may not be able to comprehend this reasoning. The reasoning above is really for you . If one conversation to try to explain it has failed, don't keep trying. That means they just cannot discuss and understand things reasonably any more. follow everyone's suggestions then.

You've done a great job. Keep doing it.

Which means that you leave them to their very fine resources and refuse to participate in dad's lunacy. He wants to dump both of them onto you, but you don't have to be their dumpster. Stop accepting their garbage. Even setting up a meeting for them with their social worker is too much. If you stopped doing everything for them, they'd have to adjust. Don't hover. Don't take every single call. Ignore the texts. Don't argue, don't take any abuse, and stop buying into dad's craziness. It's hard to do, but it's the only way to keep yourself sane.

Good luck with this. And as to your question about a way to convince your parents to stay put, the answer is no. From here on in, you won't convince dad of anything.

Just STOP. Stop listening to the complaints, stop helping, stop trying to convince them that they need to stay at the ALF, stop anything that gives them any impression that you are part of this. If your dad wants to move let him look at condos, make the arrangements, get the movers, pack/unpack, etc. It will never happen. I finally had to explain to my father that I was FINISHED doing everything in my power to make him happy because none of it ever actually made him happy. I told him I would make certain he always had food, and would make arrangements for him to get to doctors appointments. Other than that I was FINISHED. You've done all of that by getting them to an ALF so you job is done. Calmly explain that you can't support his efforts to move out of the ALF so if he wants something different it's up to him. Then don't get in contact for a week or so. Once you do start calling/visiting if he ever starts the conversation around to leaving the ALF just tell him that you have to leave now. No explanation, no excuses, no convincing, just STOP listening to him. His real problem isn't fixable. His real problem is that he and your mother are getting old and he can't accept that and you can't fix that. My dad finally moved into an ALF at 97 after many, many years of me proving the illusion that he was living independently in his own house. By the time he moved he was blind and deaf and very unsteady on his feet but he still thought he could live alone in a 3 story house. He didn't have dementia so I couldn't MAKE him do anything he didn't want to do, even with my POA. He took some real digging in on my part and NOT HELPING AT ALL to get him to see that living alone wasn't going to work. This isn't easy or pretty, but it is necessary.

They're staying put because there's really nothing that you or them can do about it. They have no home to return to. Your father is losing his eyesight and can't drive anymore. So they really can't move out unless someone else finds them a place and makes all the arrangements. That's not happening.

You don't have to listen to your father rant, rave, and complain. You don't have to jump when they make a demand. That's why they're in AL, so you don't have to run yourself ragged on wild goose chases and fussy nonsense.

You did the right thing putting them in AL and telling the administrator to set up a social work meeting because you can't handle your parents' incessant demands. You did everything right and now it's time to give yourself a break. You don't have to take every phone call or go running because one of your parents demands something.

Start screening your calls. Let some or all of their calls go to voicemail. Return the calls you want when you want to. Same with visiting them. It's on your schedule, not theirs. If they start up when you visit, that's when the visit ends and you go home.

They're not going anywhere because without a lot of outside help, they can't buy a new place, furnish it, and move in. So don't so much. They'll get used to AL life.

I am with Alva. You tell dear Dad he can do anything he wants but he handles it. You will have nothing to do with it. You helped them sell the condo and find a nice AL, you have done enough. Its on him to find a realtor, find a condo, give the AL 30days notice, find a mover and set Mom up with an aide. And he cannot depend on you 24/7 because you work. You can't take time off to take them where they need to go so he will need to find transportation.

You need to set boundaries. No phone calls at work. You will call about 7pm nitely to check up on them. The only calls you want are if they need something. If not an emergency, you will get them when your out and about. As soon as he talks about leaving, you walk out or hang up the phone. You don't have to answer all his calls. Put phone on Do not disturb. His calls and texts will come thru so u can see if he called. You need to realize that Dad is not in control here. He needs you more than you need him at this point. His life works around when others can do for him not when he wants it.

Living in the AL what worries does he have? Mom has 24/7 care. He has the freedom to go on excursions. Mom is safe at the AL. Gets 3 meals a day. Moms AL someone was always having a birthday party. Can go out to the common area and have someone to talk to. I enjoyed the entertainment at Moms AL.

Change is hard for the elderly. But Dad needs to realize this is how it needs to be at 87 yrs old. He needs to realize you have a life that comes before his needs. You will do what you can but you can't do it all.

The advice given here is good - it works. ITs not easy but it works to get what is necessary done.

One more reason you want to nip this in the bud - to get dad more cooperative with the AL staff. From your descriptions, it sounds like he is being difficult with them on many aspects. As some have mentioned on the Forum, this can lead the the AL asking them directly to move out, or forcing them out indirectly. Then you will be at square one if they get 30 days notice to leave and then have to find a new AL. It seems you realize that you cant mediate every quibble with the AL, and nor should you. Another thing they will need to learn is to live at reasonable peace with the AL staff. If dad tries to make the AL staff the baddies and recruit you to be on his side with everything, it will not be good....

Now this is funny Lol. Dad is probably bored out of his gourd at the AL, complaining and fussing is probably his way of having "fun"

He may have realized too late that it was a mistake to sell the condo.

Adjusting? maybe, after a few months, the mind may have a tendency to "accept" the situation and adapt as best it can.

Seeing activities in the response regarding the facilities, brings up a laugh LOL. At the facility, there was more drama in activities then other parts of the facility. Whether it was between the residents, and/or staff there was always something going on.

One staff member was sort of hard to get along with, since she tended to be bossy and "put down" a few of the residents. This maybe one reason why they have a hard time keeping help in this department.

SeriousinFl, say this sentence over and over until it feels comfortable to say to your parents "I can't possible do that". Oh how I wished I had done that with my own parents, it would have cut down on a lot of stress.


What happens is that our parents still view us as still being in our 30's and 40's with a ton of energy, instead of someone who is also a senior citizen or close to it. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card didn't faze them.


I wished I would have put a stop to all the "driving" as I really hated to use their vehicle "yes, it was my father's Oldsmobile", I felt like I was driving a dining room table down the highway. Eventually I started to get major panic attacks, so I don't want you to go through that.


It will take time for your folks to realize, if at all, they are currently in the right place. They are lucky to have a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment as most Assisted Living is so much smaller. My own Dad was so happy in his senior living facility, especially the food, and being able to call maintenance if there was a problem (instead of trying to fit it himself), plus being around people of his own age group.

I used to work in Elder Care.

I was called to take on 2 new clients one Monday morning. I had little to no 'insight' into what was happening--just that an elderly couple had chosen to return home with 24/7 care, of which I would have about 32-40 hrs of shifts.

Arriving at 7 am, I find the wife, wheelchair bound, screaming at her daughter. The condo (they had opted to not sell it, and had been living in a 2 bedroom ALF for a couple of years) was NOT set up for living in. It was storage unit, really.

The wife's health has taken a serious downturn, and she needed to be in more intense care--instead of moving her to a higher level of care and leaving the husband in the apt, or sizing HIM down to a studio, the kids decided to save some bucks and move them back 'home' with FT care.

The condo was hoarded with so much crap. The wheelchair could not fit down the hall to the master bedroom, and the master bathroom was unusable for the woman. The man was content to sit in his recliner and drink beer all day long and pee into his depends. He was able to toilet himself, he just chose not to.

Within the 2 hrs I stayed, I got punched in the face by the wife (she was mad at me for not being able to lift her, single handedly--weighing in at 300+ lbs--it was not possible). After she punched me, she fell to the floor and screamed and screamed. Her DH kept pinching my butt every time I walked past and asked me non stop to get him a beer.

The wife insisted on using the master bath. We finally wrangled her in there (3 of us CG's by now) and before we could get her depends & nightgown off, she exploded with diarrhea. I mean, it was everywhere.

In the 2 hrs I was there, she fell twice. She punched me. She pooped on me. Her DH groped me. The house was a mess and there was no food they could eat there--so my 'boss' told me to go grocery shopping. I refused and said the daughter should do that--she'd know what her folks could/would eat.

This is what a couple look like who won't go to (or stay in!) ALF.

I walked out and quit that company that day. IDK how they worked this all out. They were both requiring FT care, and the cost of that, in home, would have been prohibitive! The kids were upfront about being mad at the cost and that they weren't going to have any inheritance if they couldn't keep their parents in the same room at the ALF.

3 adult kids on board, and while I was there, 6 CG's and we couldn't handle them.

I know for a fact that this is not unusual. Nobody WANTS to go to ALF. And it is sad when they make things so difficult. But at some point, you simply cannot give mom & dad the life they want.

You need to meet with the admins and make a plan--and then you need to step back.

Your parents probably won't/can't be convinced of anything they don't want. Just let them rant and then give them a hug, tell them you love them and then leave.

I watched my MIL slowly go downhill living in her own home. A year it took for her to finally die. And right before she died (a week into her stay at an ALF) she commented to one of the kids that she hadn't really minded being in a NH. Here they had been turning their lives inside out for her and she thought she was in Al all along.

Your folks will adapt or they won't, but they will be cared for at a level that you cannot do on your own.

I gave you that horrible example of my experience so you won't go down that road.

How about this conversation...
"Mom, Dad it is really busy this time of year and I do not have the time to help you search for a condo. Maybe after the holidays and we are into the new year things will slow down for me so I have some extra time"
Now let the other shoe drop.....
"I have told you that I am real busy at work and I do not have a lot of time. I can give you 1 day a week to help you out running errands. If you move into a condo I am not going to be able to drop everything and help out. In the ALF where you are they have a van that will take you to the store, take you out on day trips, you have a hairdresser here and lots of activities. You won't get all that in a condo."

Are you POA? If so is it "active" are you making decision for them or has a doctor said they are not competent? If they are competent technically they make this decision on their own. But you do not have to help them. They must make ALL the arrangements you refuse to be involved.

Well, you've convinced me that you made the right decision!

Now for the bad news. You aren't going to convince your dad. You have a life long complaining, entitled, demanding person here and at his age he won't undergo a complete personality change. You have to let them know that your health doesn't allow you to accommodate the logistics of supporting their living outside a facility and unless they can accomplish a move and the aftermath on their own, they are staying put. (They don't have any other children or anyone in a position to help them with this, do they?)

He most definitely will not like it and will let you know in no uncertain terms. You can sympathize with his frustration but you don't have to discuss it at length. Don't get sucked into drawn out, emotional arguments. Look up the term "grey rock". You can block his calls if they get to be too much, or end the phone call when the conversation starts to get repetitive. Or leave if you're there visiting.

Nobody loves losing their independence and ability to come and go as they please. That doesn't give them the right to demand that someone else cater to their unrealistic desires. Difficult as it is, they have to accept "adequate" rather than "ideal". He has a right to his feelings about the situation, you can empathize with that, but you don't have the ability or the obligation to make it all better.

Do nothing. Literally. DON'T BE SUCKED IN. Ignore the calls and texts. Don't visit for a while. Maybe not until Christmas/Hanukkah. If you can have a pleasant phone conversation with your mother, do that once a day. If your father gets on and brings up the subject of moving, or your mother does, tell him/them that it's not possible and you will not discuss it. If they refuse to change the subject, hang up. Day after day after day, until the accept reality. They will adjust if you don't cater to them. You did everything necessary for them. Now let them live their SAFE new life that you worked so hard to give them, and turn your attention to your own children and grandchildren, and make the most of the holiday season with them.

“Let me know your new address. I’ll pop by for a visit after you’ve settled in.”

No arguing, no enabling.

Repeat as needed.

Tell him that he will need to convince you and the social worker that he can manage all the tasks of living on their own. He will need to locate condos to visit, arrange transportation to and from those places to view, arrange for home health care aides daily for your mom... It is a lot of tasks to manage for somebody with diminishing abilities. If he can get it all together and accomplish the move, let him. Make sure you let your dad know that he will have to do this move without your help.

There is no way to convince them because they know best. But you can not enable. Do not assist in any way. Treat the demands from your parents as you would a child, Ignore and divert the conversaion, leave if needed. Do not give in to the demands. A lot of times you need to use the Grey Rock Methods when your senior parents are trying to coherse their child. Look it up and practice the strategies. It truly works.

The only way to become entangled in the situation is if you allow it. Empowerment is essential in this situation

Straight answer? Too bad, so sad, Mom and Dad. Don't answer the calls. Don't do what they demand, and if you do something, you do it on your own time. Stand TALL.

Agree with Alva......If Dad wants to move out and hire full time caregivers for Mom then Dad does everything.

We had an only child in our neighborhood, a guy. His parents were dairy farmers in Iowa. He moved them down to an apartment and got them a golf cart so they could ride to the grocery store.

In their high 90's he moved them to the nicest AL around. Neither liked the AL. They mostly didn't like the food as they were used to a lot of butter and cream on everything being dairy farmers.

At this point they were both legally blind.

The couple (around 100 years old at this point) ending up renting an apartment and moving to an apartment.

I'd back way off and understand sometimes seniors are going to do what they are going to do.

Dear friends, thank you for all your advice suggestions, comments. Truly is a tough road, for my parents and for our entire family. Your encouragement means the world to me, we are like colleagues performing the same role. Caregiving is not a new phenomenon, children have been taking care of parents for eons,  in other countries, it is cultural.  Unfortunately we do not live in a society where kids have conditions or resources to take care of their parents with various chronic and age related ailments, dementia and Alzheimer's. And our generation is not far behind.

I took action, some of your advice is excellent. I am hoping for the best but not very optimistic. I looked up the gray rock method I actually started using some of the principles this method offers. I do feel tons of guilt over sticking to my guns, it's hard. I don't intend to give up though.

Tell Dad that you will not be able to assist with a move or anything afterwards , as you have your own health problems . Then tell him you will not discuss it anymore. Start ignoring the texts regarding moving out . Let phone calls go to message . Speak when it’s convenient for you , refuse to discuss it and say you have to hang up ( or leave ) .

I am in a similar situation. My mom is in an ALF. Hates it and wants to return to her apartment. I agree with the other posters who said “Do Nothing”. It’s very difficult to do, and the demands will keep coming. You need to stop all of it for your own sanity.

If you dad can do all of those things on his own … great! “have at it dad. Let me know what you find for your new condo. And how you hire the movers .. and hire the helper … all of it.” You are not their assistant. You are not obligated to jump at their every whim … just like you wouldn’t jump at the every whim of your children.

(Grandchildren are a different matter - they are the boss we are all too happy to jump up and serve, aren’t they?!).

Your dad thinks he’ll wear you down, clearly - or he would have moved on to a new plan already.

It has only been 2 months? That’s not enough time to have settled in.

One idea is that you decide how often you’re willing to take these calls. Is it 2 times a week you’ll come by and have a meal with them in their cafeteria? Or do an activity / attend whatever the weekly social is over there? If you are able to drag them out to an event or activity or meal … they may get to talking to somebody else (you can start the conversation - engaging another resident. The other residents are my parents place are all too happy to talk to me, the young person in the room. I pour on the positivity. “I love listening to live music” (or whatever comment is appropriate for whats going on). “I can’t tell you how nice it is to have somebody else have cooked the meal - and decided what to make.” It’s exhausting pouring all this out of myself, but it’s all I can do.

“isn’t the Christmas tree they’ve put up in the lobby beautiful? So much work putting up a big tree like that. And then taking it down and storing everything. We are pretty lucky somebody else makes that happen for us. Should I bring in one of my childhood ornaments we can sneak on a branch somewhere?”

whatever you decide regarding how often works for you to visit or talk … stick to it. None of this is your job. You can’t make miserable people happy … no matter what you do. Show up, spread some sunshine (NOT EASY) and leave until the next time.

Stay strong! You did the right thing. My Mom did the same thing, and I took her out. Big mistake on my part. She has been a big struggle ever since.

Your parents are getting the help they need.

First, let me say...you did the right thing by putting them in AL. However, many AL's are big con jobs. The salespeople make it sound like it's a cruise ship on land. There are calendars full of things to do, outings, good food, etc. Then after all the trouble and money of moving them in, the residents find that the activities get canceled, the food is bad, it's hard to get a ride to Walmart because the driver is out sick, etc, etc. IF you have the energy, find out if there is a Resident Council and/or a Family Council at the place. If so, have your dad attend. They do have the power to make the place a better place. If they have a Family Council...attend once or twice to see what's going on. If they don't have either Council, you and your dad have the legal power to start one and help make the AL place a better place. It could give him a sense of purpose to get involved.

My aunt refused to leave her home even after she got colon cancer and had to undertake special treatment which required daily care. After sitting for 10 years, she gained so much weight that she could no longer retain caregivers. So a son and his wife, both retired doctors, moved in with her. After a month or so, they could no longer do it either. So they told her she would have to move into a nursing home. She refused, so they walked out. After four days, she changed her mind and asked them to move her into a nursing home where she finally died two weeks later. I say "finally" because she was nearly 100 years old and had lost much of her vision and hearing. She had made the mistake of deciding to live longer instead of accepting death so everyone suffered for 10 years. My husband and I learned from this and agreed not to let the same thing happen to us. It is a selfish act to make your children go through this. So when my husband became ill, he chose death. He was 84.