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That you feel 'awful' upsetting everyone tells volumes.
It sounds like you have deep rooted self-esteem, self-worth issues and may benefit from therapy. I am not being flippant. I believe this will help you feel whole and a sense of self-esteem.
WHAT I WOULD DO:
* Tell all family members to STOP berating you and that they owe YOU an apology. If they continue, which they likely will (as you have a pattern of accepting 'putting up' with this behavior), tell them you are going to hang up (the phone) and then do it.
- Do not communicate with them until they apologize.
* Send a bill to family for whatever aspect(s) of floor are ruined.
* Tell them to stay in a hotel next time.
* Examine why I feel this way (meaning you). Do some self-reflection. Although I believe a therapist could be invaluable to you.
* I do believe what you are missing is "YOU" - feeling worthy.
Please do what you need to do to feel worthy and expect self-respect . . . which happens when you believe and demand it. Otherwise, people will walk all over you. Gena aka Touch Matters
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oh there is no easy answer when family dynamics are the instigator.
It is easy to say denial is the culprit but your brother might be feeling overwhelmed and is upset that you don’t have to deal what he and his wife are dealing with on a more regular basis. His response is to show he is more “compassionate and understanding” by making you feel less so. Believe it or not he needs you to acknowledge what he must be going through and that you love him for it. Find ways to support family in dealing with this. You did nothing wrong!!! The decline your Mom is experiencing will only worsen. Your brothers tensions will worsen and though you love them all and did nothing wrong, they will distant themselves from you because, “You don’t get it” in their minds.
What can you do? Offer love, support, and forgiveness and Just let go. This is life. It is so hard.
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lkdrymom Jun 2021
You may be on to something. I am wondering if the brother wanted the OP to see how bad mom was and what he deals with every day. He wanted her to suffer as he does. He wanted her nice house to be ruined as the place he lives in is.
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The family should have all (together) encouraged mother to wear absorbable briefs. You can buy them at any grocery store and are very comfortable. Mother is self neglecting. You did nothing wrong. Further, how dare they be angry with you for protecting your house.
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Maybe it's time for a family meeting with a continence nurse, or even geriatrician to explain how to deal with you mother's situation at home/travelling/visiting? Has she even been diagnosed? This is not a condition that is likely to resolve, it is very likely to worsen, so it would be good to have everyone on the same page, with expert advice and support huh.

Best wishes to you, and take care of yourself, be kind to yourself even when others are not.
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I am a solo caregiver who can only hope my abrasive brother will stay out of the picture. My heart goes out to you because your story resonates.

I agree with comments that these are all signs of your mother's considerable cognitive decline and family's dysfunction and inability to manage it.

My advice is to:
1. Recognize your mother's health is failing - physically and cognitively - and decide how you want to make peace with that.

2. Realize the road ahead for your father, bother and sister-in-law is tough. Very tough. You are far enough removed to: stand back, help out, or make problems.

Read all the advice and decide how important those two weeks were in the larger scope of things.

You were not in the wrong. I am sorry you were lied to about her physical and cognitive status, but they told you the collective truth they are desperately trying to create. I am sorry for damage to your home. I am sorry for your brother's harsh words. I am sorry you are disenfranchised from your family.
All that is true.
But, you are unlikely to hear an apology. Is the struggle to get one worth it?

I wish you peace in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Abrasive is an accurate word to use!
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Sometimes giving a choice works, wear a pull-up or think about going to assisted living, it is your choice
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Here’s the thing. The husband and son don’t wish for her to be in an assisted living facility. The brother felt that the daughter should have been understanding of the mom’s incontinence. He was very rude to his sister and told her that their mom changed her diaper when she was young! Oh gosh. that statement is a ridiculously foolish description of the situation. It’s a terribly sad situation.
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I've already posted my thoughts about mom's "sharp tackness", but it may get lost in the replies to replies...

Dementia is an umbrella that covers many different types of cognitive issues. Not all begin with memory loss. In particular, FTD is one where memory loss happens later in the progression. The reason I've focused on this one is because of the various things mentioned:
Incontinence
Hygeine
Apathy
Potentially the outbursts (both towards bro and you, through your daughter)

Source:
https://www.theaftd.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/January-2014.pdf
"Introduction
Loss of bladder and bowel control occurs in most dementias; however, in most cases, it occurs in advanced disease. This is not the case with people with behavior variant FTD (bvFTD). Bowel and bladder incontinence can occur early in the disease, especially when the person is under stress or in a highly stimulating environment. People with FTD may experience incontinence due to apathy with disinhibition, compulsive behavior, distractibility and a lack of insight. As the disease progresses, they may not know what to do with urges to evacuate. Moreover, because of the cognitive and behavior symptoms in bvFTD, persons may respond to the presence of urine or bowel movement (BM) in a socially inappropriate manner. This can increase stress for family and the risk of others in the environment being exposed to infectious illness, particularly nausea and diarrhea. As a general rule people with FTD do not benefit from bladder retraining programs or from feedback from people providing care. They may resist wearing protective garments and become irritable or resistant when caregivers try to clean them. They may give caregivers “the look,” a generally benign but frightening stare that keeps helpers at bay."

For the following, keep in mind that while many symptoms are shared among those with FTD, not all need to be exhibited. I just copy/pasted the list from this site.

Source:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21075-frontotemporal-dementia

"What are the symptoms of frontotemporal dementia (FTD)?
Early behavioral changes may include:

*Inappropriate social behavior and lack of social tact/manners. Examples include touching or kissing strangers, urinating in public, making rude or offensive comments, arguing, rashly overspending, and/or doing or saying things that others would find embarrassing or disgusting.

*Lack of empathy (interest in, or understanding of, what others feel), loss of interest in other people or activities, reduced affection, neglect of personal grooming and hygiene. People with FTD are not aware of the changes that are happening and do not know how hurtful they are to close family members.

*Changes in food preferences, overstuffing mouth with food, binge eating, eating food quickly, attempting to eat non-food items.

*Becoming very obsessive or developing rituals, repeating things, collecting/hoarding items."

My mother probably had vascular dementia, in which the symptoms are different, or at least happen in a different order. She did NOT exhibit all symptoms, but it was clear that she had short term memory loss, which "stepped down" at one point, leaving her in life about 40+ years ago. Very different from FTD.

I wish I could bold the sections that seem to fit. Please read it and give it some thought. You don't see her very often. This could be why your brother is on edge. Also, just because SIL is a nurse doesn't mean she would know this when she sees it! There are many docs and nurses who haven't dealt with any dementia. I really do think your mom may be headed down this path and it's no yellow brick road....
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
This is true. Some people truly don’t know that they don’t know! Good information!

This could possibly explain the behavior but it still doesn’t mean that she has to accept or tolerate it.

These situations are incredibly frustrating for everyone involved, aren’t they?
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The post below from disgustedtoo provides some really excellent insightful answers. I agree there are many docs and nurses who do not understand the various dementias and the many and various individual cognitive and behavioural expressions of them.

I hope Mum gets proper ongoing assessments as her needs progress. And also that you all as a family find the supports that you all need.

Best wishes and prayers to you all. Take care.
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